Something To Write About

It's been a while since I've written something here. In all honesty, I was avoiding it. I was afraid to write it. I was afraid that it will just bring me more stress than what I'm already feeling. But I was told that I should write it somewhere. That in some way, it will help. So I thought, if I'm going to write something, somewhere, it might as well be here.

There's no other way to say it, so here it is. I'm a gambling addict. And recently, I relapsed. And no, this is not the first time it happened. What I'm afraid of is that this might not be the last.

It's been years since I gambled. I lost nearly everything. My life savings, my then partner's life savings, my job, my friends, and almost my life. I didn't stop even after I was thrown out of the house that I was living in and had to go live in the streets for a week, begging friends for alms just to get by. Only after incurring a debt in the gambling house that I was frequenting, that I had the sense to stop. But it wasn't easy. I had to handcuff myself to my bed post just to fight the urge to go look for another place to gamble.

I was, for lack of better term, sober, for about two years. That was two years ago. The urge is always there but I was able to keep it at bay. I was able to keep it in check. It helps that I know where all the gambling houses are in my area so I know which streets to avoid. I do not want to test temptation. I might not be able to fight it. But as I said, that was two years ago.

Because two years ago, boyfie, together with one of his best friends, decided to go to a casino. He knew that I was a recovering gambler but we went nonetheless. I knew it was somewhere that I shouldn't be but my pride got the better of me. I needed to be a supportive boyfie. I wanted to show him that I trust him, that I believe that he will keep me safe and in check. After all, we did agree that this is just a one time thing. Or so we thought. We went to that casino, probably, three or four more times. Each time, we lost but we exchanged it for the fact that we had fun and that we were spending it together.

After those rendezvous, I started walking the same streets that I used to walk. I thought, if I can control my gambling with boyfie, then there's no harm. As long as I limit myself to a certain amount, it won't harm anyone. And besides, if I win, then everybody will be happy. Boyfie doesn't have to know.

A few hundreds quickly became a few thousands. After a week, I was already losing my entire paycheck. It was hell afterwards. Some of my plans with boyfie was cancelled due to lack of finances on my side, I ended up borrowing heavily again, and boyfie became suspicious. I lied about where the money went but I know he knows. And so we fought.

After that fight, I stopped. the next few months were great. I was able to do everything that I was supposed to do. Boyfie was happy, I was satisfied. But the urge is still there. Always lurking. The pull of false hope, that 'if I win' thinking is always in my mind. I had to cuff myself again to my bed. And for a while, it worked.

to be continued...