A Tragic Comedy

Ever since I read Shakespeare I've come to accept that my life, and those of the people around me, are but a play of tragic comedy unfolding in epic proportions. It could be the fire that burned an entire village just to be found out later on that it was all caused by some kids playing with matches because their parents took away their toys.

Today, I will share my story. I was much impressed and inspired by Sepsep and Maktub that I've decided to share something for the first time. Their stories was of realism and reflectiveness. Of truth and pointedness. Things I've ran away from -- and now I come to realize that nobody knew me at all. Not my parents, not my partner, no one. Except perhaps, myself. I've hidden myself behind brick walls because I hated the person I've become. The filthy memories and the beast that I see in the mirror everyday is someone I do not want people to know. But today is the day I let them out. Even for just a few moments just so I can write about them here.

I came from a decent family. My parents came from well off families that they've learn to live an easy life. Too easy in fact that at the time of this writing, everything that was passed down to them was already squandered and we are left wanting. Even as a child, I've come to live with the fact that this will be my life. A life of wanting and needy. I promised myself growing up that I will not be like them. That I will strive hard to make sure that I will live a life completely different from them. But alas, the fruit didn't fall far from the tree.

I was a loner growing up. Not by choice but because my parents were afraid that if we go outside, we will mingle with "dirty" kids. I grew up having reservations with people because of this but it didn't take away my sympathy towards them. I want to help those "dirty" people to be "cleansed". How? I know not, only that I wanted to help. This will prove later on as my reason for agreeing with Hitler's Eugenics.

I wasn't able to finish college. This is the first time that I said it and will never utter it again. Whenever someone asks or whenever I seek employment, I always pretend that I was able to finish school. I can pull it off because of sheer confidence and articulate speech. But in reality, I'm nothing but a fraud. I spent all my the money my parents gave me for tuition buy whatever gadgetry my "friends" have so I can be "like" them. Though my friends never asked or pressured me into being like them, it was a self actualization that I forced myself to do the things that I did. No one is to blame but myself.

I almost didn't finish high school. I was a straight A student all my life until I reached the third year of my high school years. I never figured out why I started skipping classes. All I knew is that one day, I got tired of my lessons and started going to the arcade center. Luckily for me , even without studying, I was still able to pass my exams so I got to graduate though with almost failing marks.

During the time I was skipping classes, there was some financial problems at home. So, with my devious mind, I started to plan a heist in one of the malls I frequented when I was supposed to be at school. I was able to steal more than fifty thousand worth of call cards from one of the stores that the guard on duty lost his job. Everything worked according to plan. The only problem was I got greedy and tried it again a couple of months after my first heist. But this time around, the guards were alerted and I got caught. I had to give the cops about half of what I stole in order for them to release me but I had to stay inside a jail cell overnight. Oh, since nobody knows this and just in case I do have a police record, I tell people that I did spent the night in jail because I was protesting against the government. Little did they know the real story behind it.

......

This post is getting too long for my comfort so I will just continue it some other time. Though I haven't gotten yet to the part where I whored out my body for some cash and the time that I slept with a different person every day, I think I've shed some light to the monster that I am.

I am not looking for pity or attention. I am not looking for redemption. For the things that I did can never be forgiven by the people I've hurt nor by myself. I write because I want to write. I want to share something that I can not share. Not to lighten the load but to show a glimpse of who and what I am even under the guise of the anonymity of the internet.