disclaimer - this is another sad story. if you are not in the mood for another self-pity-slash-drama-queen-slash-poor-me kind of story, change blog now. but if you are, I promise that this story is more heart and soul than anything I've ever written.
I was channeling surfing when I happened to see ANC's Mukha. The episode tonight, as it turns out, is about a has been actor that's now living in the streets. I do not know him nor I have seen any of his works but he does look familiar. As it turns out, he used to be someone before. Someone who was given great talent and tremendous amount of opportunity that he squandered away when he got involved with drugs. Oh how the mighty has fallen!
Nalungkot ako sa napanuod ko. Hindi dahil naawa ako sa kanya dahil palaboy na sya ngayon, kung hindi dahil sa nasa salamin ng istorya ng buhay nya ang buhay ko. Parang nakita ko na kung anong mangyayari sa akin in the future.
Gusto kong maniwala na kagaya nya, talented din ako. Hindi sa pag arte pero sa dunong at pananalita. Kagaya nya, napansin ng tao kung ano ang kaya kong gawin kaya kung ano anong suporta at opportunity ang binigay sa akin. Pero kagaya din nya, hindi ko pinahalagahan ang mga bagay bagay. Hindi namin parehas ginalang ang oras at panahon. Parehas namin inakala na kung anong meron kami nung panahon na yon ay patuloy lang na dadaloy. How wrong we were.
I used to be big. I was on my way to the top. I was living the good life. I have a car, a condo, a loving boyfriend, my family was taken cared of, and I was doing what I wanted to do and was earning as much as I needed to. Yet I let it all slipped through my hands because of my naivety and stupidity.
Kagaya ng subject sa episode na pinapanuod ko, nalulong din ako sa masamang bisyo. Sya sa illegal drugs, ako naman sa sugal...
(I never thought how much painful it is to write about this thing. I haven't uttered or shared it with anyone. I always kept it in my heart as a reminder of the things I squandered and the hearts that I broke.)
Dahil sa sugal, napabayaan ko ang trabaho ko hangang sa dumating ang panahon na natangal ako. Nagsimula kaming mag away ng ka live in partner ko tungkol sa pera dahil naubos ko ang savings namin. Nalubog ako sa utang at nung hindi na ako makautang sa pangalan ko, ginamit ko naman ang pangalan nya. Naubos ang kung ano mang pag ibig at respeto ang meron sya para sa akin. Pero nung nabawi ang kotse namin dahil hindi na kami makapagbayad sa bangko ng utang dahil sya lang ang nagtatrabaho sa aming dalawa, dun na nya na pagtanto na palayasin ako sa condo na aming tinitirhan.
Wala akong bahay, wala akong trabaho, wala akong pera. Hindi ako makauwi sa pamilya ko sa sobrang hiya. Dumating sa punto na kung saan saan ako natutulog mailipas lang ang gabi. Kung sino sinong kaibigan ang nilapitan ko sa araw araw para lang makakain. Hangang isang araw, wala ng gustong tumulong, wala ng gustong kumalinga. Dahil pati mga kaibigan ko, niloko ko. Napakawalang kwenta kong tao.
Just like the guy being featured on the show, I also knew what was wrong with me. I knew why everything happened and how it can be best avoided. Sabi ko nga, matalino ako. Kaya alam ko kung ano ang mga nagawa kong mali at ano ang mga dapat kong gawin. Ang problema, wala akong ginagawa.
With all my talents and intelligence hindi ko alam bakit wala akong ginawa para baguhin at ayusin ang buhay ko. Pinabayaan ko na lang lahat. Para akong audience na walang magawa kung hindi panuorin na lang ang palabas at hayaang tumakbo ang istorya kung saan man ito patungo. Hindi ko alam bakit. Ive been asking myself that question for the past 10 years.
Today, I still live with my parents. I have a new boyfriend now. I'm slowly getting back on my feet. Yet for the love of everything that's good, I can't seem to keep a job. I just got fired from my previous company and now I'm living like a bum. I will be joining a new company next month but that means that I will be relying heavily on my current boyfriend to help me financially. Why did I get fire you might ask. Well, let's just say, history does repeat itself.
omg.
ReplyDeletethis is shocking and heartbreaking.
pero maganda na alam natin ang mga pagkakamali natin para maitama ang mga ito.
I'm sure may natutunan ka naman and hopefully, this time wag sayangin ang second chances. :)
I don't know kung tamang term ang "may natutunan" since feeling ko alam ko na to begin with ang consequences ng mga actions ko before ko pa sila gawin but it didn't stop me from doing them. Second chance? Wala na po yun nagamit at nawaldas ko na ng buong buo. Kung magbibilang tayo, siguro nasa pang 56th chance ko na ito. Ganyan ka daming opportunities ang binigay sa akin para makabangon pero paulit ulit akong lumalagpak sa putikan dahil na din sa sarili kong kagustuhan T.T
ReplyDeleteI think change requires 'paninindigan'. If you really want to make yourself better, then you should also work hard na mapanindigan ito. Not everybody is given multiple chances to pull life back together. Wag nating sayangin ang oras :)
ReplyDeleteHey ♔ıǝɹɯɐı♔ thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment.
ReplyDeleteI agree that any change requires commitment for it to work. we can appear to change but without commitment, we will revert back to who we really are in a few years, months, days, or even hours.
I would like to think that I do want to change. Am I committed? I sure hope so. But one thing remains the same...
"people don't change" - Dr. Gregory House
Nung isang araw ko pa ito nabasa. Ngayon lang ako nakabalik at binasa ko ulit.
ReplyDeleteGusto ko itong mga kwento mo ng naging buhay mo noon. Kapupulutan ng aral. Meron pa ba? Anyway, I hope you're okay now Jeki.
Ayun nagcomment din :) Ikaw lang inaantay ko bago ako gumawa ng bagong post eh lol.
DeleteMarami akong ganitong kwento kaso mahirap ilabas kasi malalim ang pagkakatago.
on a side note, interesting ang mga gusto mong kwento.
Bakit ako? Di ko maintindihan. *hahaha*
DeleteIlabas lang yan ng ilabas. *hehe* Maximize mo ang anonymity na meron ka. Ito ba yung continuation nung 'A Tragic Comedy'? Or is this a separate entry? I'm still waiting sa susunod na stories na binitin mo dun eh. lol
Gustong-gusto ko ang mga kwento about personal experiences na walang halong pretensions. Stories na honest, open, and written with the use of both the mind and the heart. You can tell it kasi once nagbasa ka na. Ganito yung mga tipo ng storya ni sinusulat ni Seth ng Cubao-Ilalim, kaya favorite ko siya. :)
this is more like a snippet of part 3 pero pwede na din part 2 haha ang gulo lang.
DeleteI'll post the continuation ng story ko siguro by Monday. Medyo hirap magsulat kasi walang "push"
I've read this and your previous post. I'm not going to proffer morals. You know yourself more than I do, but thank you for showing us guts, even if that means bleeding from the inside.
ReplyDeleteJason thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment.
Deleteas for proffering morals, proffer all you want. It's always nice to hear/read what other people have in mind.
guts and blood. nice description. never thought I have those. thanks :)