Of Introduction and Assimilation

I'm trying to kick start this blog one more time. I'm hoping that this post and the the new layout I have will help motivate me to post more now that my work is becoming less stressful. In a few weeks time, I should be able to have more free time. Well at least that's the plan.

What do I do anyway? Whenever someone asks this question, I always do a quick observation of who I'm talking to, what I will be able to achieve by giving such information, and the mutual benefits that comes with it. Too much thinking for a simple question, I know. I'm just that haywire up there in my shell but I digress. I work for one of the financial institutions in the United States but based in the Philippines. "Call Center"... "BPO"... "Outsourcing"... these are just a few of the terms that might have crossed your mind after reading the previous statement. On paper, we are not a BPO or Call/Contact Center or Outsourced company. We are a separate entity under a different class. But that's just on paper. Experience wise, it works exactly like a normal call center would. I should know. I've been in the BPO industry for the last 13 years.

The company that I'm working for falls under the other side of the fence of Outsourcing. We are called Offshore branch or to sound more classy, International Satellite Office. Our jobs were not outsourced to a different firm or company but rather the US based company decided to put up an office here and hire the locals to help them up. Sounds like the next step towards getting out of the stereotype of being in the call center industry but it's not. Graveyard shift is still the norm. People are still hooked up to coffee machines to keep them awake. And the accent... yes that accent. I can imagine people already cringing but I digress yet again. Back to the topic that is my job. My work deals with the stock market. My position and job description goes with the lines that I am licensed to trade in all the US stock market. I deal with people's money and investment as far as shares, dividends, mutual funds, and interests are concerned. We deal with people's life savings and the risk of losing all of it in a matter of seconds. It sounds thrilling and exciting but it's not. It's tiring and stressful. Just the way I like it. Because at the end of the day, it is just like every call center there is - we pick up the phones to talk to customers and answer their questions.

For more than 13 years I've been doing this job. And to be honest, I don't think I can do anything else. That's why even when I say I'm tired of receiving calls, this is the only kind of job I can do now. All of my other skills are now lost. This industry have absorbed me as part of it's machinery. Outside of it, I am but scrap metal. But all hope is not lost. This coming November 23, 2020, I will hang my headset for good.

Boos, Blahs, and Nahs

I've been undergoing some personal stuff and was unable to prioritize things. I'm disappointed with myself yet again. Nothing new there. Oh well.

Alright, enough with the self pity and drama. Time to keep things upbeat. It's Monday after all. Let's start this one with an update and/or a "correction" for lack of better term.

Update #1 Kami Pa Din Po!

Rereading my last two posts made me realize that it was too dark and unclear about the state of my relationship with my babe. The truth is that we're still together. I love my babe so much. Though I have to admit this is not the first time I felt this way. I've love a number of people before. But today, right now, I am in love with just one person and that's what's important.

Update #2 Movies and Reviews

I love movies. I like the way they provide a way for me to escape reality. However, that is not to say that I am a movie geek. I don't know anything about sub plots and what not. I could care less about cinematography nor about choreography. For me a good movie is something that provide me what all movie should, a break from reality and enjoyment. It's that simple. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that to those unfortunate people that will wander here in my own little space, they have to make do with a layman's look at what the movies are all about.

Update #3 This Very Blog

I've made a decision to keep this blog active. It will be my escape from work and my way of releasing some pressure and stress. It will be all over the place but at last it will be something that I can call my own. Hopefully, there will be no transference of stress from the writer to the readers.

Update #4 Bublews

I want to give this pay for writing website a try. I hope I can count on some people for help on this one. Kewlness.

"Unspoken" Emotions

I haven't shared the letter I mentioned in the previous post with anyone other than this blog. Hiding behind the anonymity that the internet provided, I felt somewhat OK with sharing what I was feeling inside. The turmoil I was fighting. As I'm sure of what I written down, I already know how my babe would have reacted knowing what I was feeling...

He would have been angry. And his anger would have been justified. Why would I share what I was feeling inside to other people but not to him directly. 

He would have been confused. Confused as to why I would have chosen to hide what I was feeling from him for a long time while pretending that everything was alright.

He would have been disappointed. For the fact that I do not trust him enough that he could have understood my situation.

He would have been hurt that I would choose to run away by myself instead of facing the problems hand and hand with him.

My babe is not a saint. He do have his shortcomings. But these words would have been exactly how he would have said and felt if he knew about the contents of the previous post. And he would have said some lines that I only heard in the movies...

"...it's my choice what to do with my life and I chose to be with you... if I end up hurting and damaged, at least it was my choice and not anyone else. So don't make my choices for me... because if you really love me like you say you do, you wouldn't do that at all..."

I would have countered and maneuvered my way out with more words. I'm good with words. But I wouldn't do that. I would rather just stay silent and stare at my feet. I would choose to hurt myself that see the person I love the most in tears...

"Unwritten" Letter

Hey Babe,

I love you. I miss you so much.

We've been together for a little more than a year now. But I can still remember vividly the first time I laid my eyes on you. The first words we uttered to each other. The first kiss... the first hug... we were not "official" then. Both of us were thinking that it would just be another one time thing. But things changed so fast and now look at where we are now... I'm still so in love with you.

I'm writing today because I know that I may never have the chance to say the things I'm about to say here in person. You and I both know that I have a hard time verbalizing what's happening inside my head and my heart. So please bear with me a little longer as I grasp for words to interpret and convey what I want you to know. Here it goes...

I hate myself. I fantasize killing myself many times over. I look at myself as no longer a person or an individual but rather just a creature. A thing that's below the maggot in this plane of existence. That's why I do not care for myself. That's why I don't buy anything for myself or bother with self vanity. I couldn't care less what people have to say about who I am because no one can look at me lower that how I have placed myself in the ladder. Because in reality I just don't hate myself, I loathe me...

And then you came into my life. You made me realize that even as someone as badly damaged and broken like me can be loved. You made me feel special. With you by my side, I started to feel human again. That I am capable of feelings other than hate or lust. That I can be happy. You made me smile again. You helped me to believe once more.

I don't know how you did it. Everything is still surreal  for me. You. Me. Us. Together. I'm smiling like a lunatic while writing these very lines. Because I love you. Not because you made me feel like I could change and that I can be a better person but because I just love you. With all my heart. With all my soul. I do love you...

That is why I have to break up with you. That's why I have to stay away from you. You deserve someone better. Someone who will make you smile and not hurt you. Someone who will care for you in return for all your efforts. Someone who can make your dreams come true. And that's not me. As much I want to be, I will never be the man that you deserve.  I love you so much that I would rather hurt myself that hurt you. And this, here, now, this is killing me. But this needed to be said and done. You deserve better.

I love you more and more and with every passing minute of my miserable existence, I will think of you. I miss you so much already my heart aches...

I love you babe. Good bye.