A Year To Remember

February 10, 2013

I sent him a message. He replied. No pleasantries, just pure business. Digits were exchanged, meet up in a few minutes...

I showered, made sure I'm presentable. Went to his place and enjoyed the moment. After savoring it again, we cleaned ourselves. A few small talk, then I left.

Hit and run. That's the first thing that came to mind. I smiled to myself. I actually enjoyed this last one..

Message sent. I initiated the conversation. He replied. Good. Keeping the lines open for future use.

3 days passed.

I went to his place once more. This is unusual for me. I try to keep it to once per person to make sure no emotional attachment is seeded. But I did enjoyed it and another serving doesn't seem to be a bad choice. This time, pleasantries were exchanged. More small talk were made. I got scared so I left.

February 17, 2013

7 days since we first saw each other, we saw each other again. This time, while waiting for an elevator. It would seem that we are working in the same building albeit different floors. Those who believed in magic or a higher power would call this fate or destiny. I call it chance. A chance for me to enjoy a different kind of desert in one of the vacant floors of the building. Risky and exciting. Another trait I am not associated with. What is happening to me?

1 day passed.

Message received. He initiated the conversation this time. An out of town invitation. Puerto Galera. A place I've never been to and had no plans of visiting in my life time. The stigma of the place is just not for me. I replied that I will go with him. Contradiction. Now that's something I am familiar with.

February 23, 2013

The fated day. We went to Galera. I was scared. I don't like crowded places and the noise but I'm committed. I will do this. I will endure.

It was almost midnight. Inside a bar filled with noise that passes for music nowadays. People drunk as fuck swaying like hippies trying to dance to the tunes in their own heads. Me, seated in the bar area together with him. Booze filled veins and heart pumping like crazy, I confessed. I tore the wall that I made. I blurted out what I was feeling and thinking all along. I uttered those three words people throw away so carelessly nowadays. Fear conquered by alcohol.

He was in tears. He claims he have the same feelings even before. We kissed. We hugged. Cheers from his friends for we found what we were not looking for in a hopeless place. We found each other.

My Little Foray To The Vast Unknown

The year was 1995. I just finished my elementary years and is about to enter a high school freshman. Everything is going as planned. Stay low, stay safe, stay unknown. I was not afraid of what bullies or what people has to say. I couldn't care less what they think of me. What I was really afraid of was rejection and failure. I got too much pride going for me that I dare not risk anything at all. But everything changed when I woke up one fateful afternoon...

I could still hear the splash of water... I could still feel the heat of the body trying to fight off the cold June afternoon... I was less than 12 feet away... peeping through a hole in the ceiling of our common restroom... watching a friend lather himself with soap... my hands moving as if it was his touching every inch of his skin...trying to reach that one spot.. that one thing that will bring god knows what to my being...

SNAP!

I stood up. This is not right. I shouldn't do this. What pushed me to do such act? Guilt. I was ashamed. I ran away trying to fight the urge to look one more time. I have to stop.

That evening,  I learned what heaven was like. For the first time, I touched myself. No, not touched. I masturbated. I released that pent up urge for the very first time since I took my first breath of air. And it was such a feeling that I just can't stop. I have to do it... again... and again... and again...

 I started high school and as if everything was forgotten. Too busy trying to prove that I was the best. The competition was steep. I have to fight to survive. The folly of human needs left me as fast as it encumbered me. Religion came. Everything stopped.

6 months. That's how long I lasted. I just had to peek through the hole and satisfy my curiosity as to what "fun" the person inside the bathroom was partaking. This time, I didn't run away. I watched. I groped. I played. I craved. I came. Almost at the same time as the guy I was watching.

And so it continued to happen and I continued to watch. It was like a dance between to distant souls separated by that mere 12 feet of air. Moving together, as one, to the rhythm of the water... as it burst... as it drips.. as it drops.

It may be the effect of the "love bug" that's been affecting people lately that we've seen people posting different stories about love that made me write this but I enjoyed reminiscing the past.

The Ultimate Flashback

I used to blog. Used to. Yes. To be quite truthful, this would have been my fifth attempt to write a decent blog.

I've tried writing about movies under the name JMFreak. I wrote about call center career guide as jmfreak1028. I was Dark Knight as I told countless stories of my sexcapades. I wrote about my love and relationship as TL. And now, here I am, writing yet again, with blog that doesn't seem to have any direction. Full of randomness. Disorganize thoughts would be putting it mildly.

Of all the mentioned attempts that I had, only two remain available for people to peruse. This one were you are right now, and the one before this. Yes, it's the story of my broken love. The blog that contain my very soul...

I would have deleted it. Just like all the rest before it. Yet I can't bring myself to do so. And no, it's not the glory nor the limelight of days past that stops me from doing it. Everybody knows that it didn't even reached its prime. Yet the pain and the reminder of what it brings puts a smile on my face whenever I visit that old home of mine. It's as if talking to myself and seeing how much I've not changed. Not one bit.

To those who are curious enough to visit the old place and read up about who and what I am, you can visit it by clicking here.

I will thrive. I will move. I will fight. I will die... but I will love. I will laugh. I will live.

Posteraction #2 - The List

After reading Simon's post about certain facts and fun trivia about his partner and himself, I promised myself that I will be doing the same thing when I find the time. Since I'm just staring blankly in my monitor while waiting for the next batch of workload to come in, I decided to start writing down a list that I wanted to share to people about myself and the one I'm in love with.

Here are Ten (10) things about us:

1. We are both 31 years old though born on different years. Go figure.

2. We are still hiding inside the closet so home visits are a big no no.

3. We don't shy away from doing "decent" PDAs (i.e. holding hands)

4. We make it a point that we see each other every single day. No matter what.

5. We were both single for 3 years prior to being together.

6. We are both into origami.

7. We both wear glasses. Well, more like I wear glasses and my partner uses contact lens.

8. We are both attached to our iPads. We like playing online games. Samurai Siege and Spartan Wars.

9. We're part of the BPO industry. Graveyard shifts has been our lives for a long time now.

10. We are both top.

Top Ten (10) Things that I want to share about my partner and myself:

My partner...

... is a little bit on the vain side of things when it comes to hygiene.

... favors Italian food but loves cooking Pinoy foods.
... uses acid soap and facial moisturizer everyday and taught me to do the same.

... doesn't use shampoo but has the best smelling, silkiest, healthiest hair I've seen.

... prefers plucking facial hairs than shaving.

... has an awesome voice and an amazing singer :)

... is a kind soul. Always willing to help even to those we just pass by in the streets.

... gets easily irritated when the weather's hot.

... is not showy when it comes to emotions.

... looks younger than real age.

I am...

... scared of squid's tentacles or any thing that has tentacles for that matter.

... naturally gifted with a lean frame. I ate like 5 cups of rice a day and still has a waistline of 30.

... known as someone who doesn't have a fashion sense. I wear what's on top of the drawer.

... tone deaf but that doesn't stop me from trying to sing or trying to learn to play the violin (epic failure)

... a book lover. Their smell and how they feel in my hands is just heaven.

... pro vegetables. we should protect them from those bad people trying to eat them out of existence!

... hypertensive so I can't eat fatty foods. I also like to use the same excuse to avoid eating spicy foods.

... into spas and massages. That's like my kryptonite.

... a kid at heart but an old soul in mind and body. I believe in the old ways except for blood sacrifices.

...a top but is a willing bottom for the one I love. (TMI!!!)

Well, there you go. You now know the things worth knowing about us. Why don't you share your side of the story too? Let's know one another and be the best that we can be  

Ciao. :D

Oscar Fever

If it's not yet obvious, I like movies. I can relate, and most of the time, see myself in almost all of the films that interests me. That's why when it's February I get all excited with all the movies that I can get my hands on. Why? Because when award season kicks off in the US, the film companies usually give "Screener" copies of the movie to potential jurors to drum up some votes for the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards. And you know what that means right? Torrent!!! Wohoo! Pirate mode on baby!

As early as the second week of January, I was able to download the movies slated for the Oscar season. I got the Tom Hanks films Saving Mr. Banks and Captain Phillips that got snub by the Academy (boo!). Then there's the front runners Gravity, 12 years a slave, American Hustle, and the dark horse The Dallas Buyers Club. I was also able to score the underrated The Wolf of Wall Street, Her, Philomena, and Nebraska.

With the exception of Gravity that I saw in the big screen, I will be watching all of the said films at the luxury of my own room. I would have preferred to catch them in the cinemas but budgets are tight so I must contend myself with what's available.

Of the motion pictures mentioned above, Gravity, Saving Mr. Banks, and the Wolf of Wall Street are the only movies that I was able to watch as of yet. Office workload is still heavy so I just have to find time during my off days to watch these beauties. I just hope I'll be able to see them before they are screened in our local cinemas.

I'll keep you guys posted on how these films rate soon. Ciao.

A Short Post About Puke And Death

We watched Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones yesterday. It was a so so film. I got bored halfway through it. The other half I spent inside the restroom puking my guts out. It was filmed "documentary" style so the camera wobbles and shakes all the time. It was hard to keep focus on one single point. I do have to give it to the actors. They were all natural, as if they're really just enjoying themselves while the producers and the director robbed the masses of their hard earned cash. Note to self: Never watch a movie trying to milk and already dried up cow.

PA: TMO rating is 1 star.

 

On other news, I was really surprised and disappointed to hear that Phillip Seymour Hoffman passed away. Yeah, it's drug related they say. And yes, we shouldn't celebrate someone who lived off drugs. But he is an actor of a very high caliber. Though I never liked him in most of his film, he is one actor that I know I can banked when it comes to choosing a great script and story. I will miss his acting chops. RIP PSH.

Chain Blog #1 - 11 Questions

After blog lurking, I found out that I got tagged by Sef with this 11 Questions post. I enjoyed reading his answers so I do suggest that you visit his blog and read it. I'm sure you'll enjoy it.

For my part, as I was asked the following questions, I will try to answer it to the best of my abilities. This is the first time I got tagged for something so excuse me for taking things too seriously.

11 Questions (paraphrased)

1. Which is worst, unrequited love or unrequited lust? 

Unrequited love will always be the worst because you can only have it with that one person. The lust part, well, I have so many unrequited lust issues but I handled it quite well. I'm good in handling things. Pun intended.

2. Nahuli mo na ba nagsesex ang parents mo? How?

Unfortunately, yes and no. Yes because they're already making out and no because they saw me before they could proceed to do the deed. How? I woke up in the middle of the night while their in the heat of the moment in the living room. Tears.

3. After mo tumae sa inodoro na may flush, pinapanuod mo ba? Bakit?

For some unknown reason, I do watch it. Gross, I know. But I can't seem to stop staring. I guess for lack of better explanation, let's just say I want to be sure there's no "MacArthur"happening.

4. Magbigay ng limang gulay na wala sa bahay kubo. Explain. Then simplify your answer.

I don't eat veggies so I don't care about what's inside Bahay Kubo. If there's no greek god waiting to frolic with me inside, isang malaking Malaysia Pakistan ka sa akin.

5. What is the worst thing you did for love?

Hmm this one is a toughie. I guess it depends on what's worse for you. Me, intentionally trying to break up a couple so I can get the person I thought I was in love with or  giving my life savings away to the person I thought would be my partner for life.

6. What is the most unusual thing you did for lust?

What might be unusual for you might not be unusual for me. For example, rimming is something I usually go for. I am not an exhibitionist but I did engage in some "foreplay" while riding the MRT. TMI already? hehehe.

7. Nautot ka na ba habang nagsesex? Ano sinabi ng partner mo?

Yes. And they, yes they because it happened multiple times, didn't say anything. Either they didn't notice it because I do try to be discreet, or they just doesn't want to ruin the moment.

8. May nakahuli na ba sayo habang nagjajakol? Bakit ka nagpahuli?

If I remember correctly, my mom was the first person to catch me in the act. That was when I was 11 or 12 so I really can't remember how or why it happened.

9. What is the worst thing or said to your ex or partner to intentionally hurt him/her?

There's nothing worse than a broken promise. Expectations are high and then boom! You left them hanging. I hate myself...

10. Nakatikim ka na ba ng kupal?

Not yet. I don't know if I would try it but it does sound interesting... eewwness!

11. Kanino ka naniniwala sa Vhong issue?

 I learned not to trust what the media says.

Whew! That was something. Now, time to come up with my own set of 11Qs

1. Globe, Smart, or Sun? Why?

2. What's the most dirtiest word you can think of right now?

3. Spit or Swallow? Length or Girth?

4. Have you tasted or tried tasting your own cum? Why or why not?

5. If you have one superpower, what will that be and how will you use it to bring world peace?

6. Favorite movie of all time? Worst? Defend your answer.

7. You have one day left to live, how will you spend it?

8. Pick one: you will have the voice of Regine yet the body and looks of Bentong or the body and flexibility of Beyonce but the voice and height of Dagul? why?

9. If you have a partner now, what is it that you wish he/she physically/materially have that they currently don't have? What do they have that you don't want them to have anymore?

9a. If you don't have any partner, what is it that you have that you want to replace with something else?

10. Bare or with condom? Why?

11. If I'm someone you just met outside, with what you just read, will you have sex with me? Why or why not?

I don't know that many people in the blogosphere to tag anyone. So if you happen  to chance and read this, let's make it fun. Answer the questions in the comment section.

Cheerio!

Posteraction #1 - The Box

I've read some posts about relationships and how they are seen through the eyes of a lot of people - both from inside and outside of the relationship. Of course we could benefit from what people has to say about certain things, especially when it comes to our relationships, because of one specific thing... that we are blinded by our emotions. May it be love, hate, anger, happiness, fear, concern, or whatever guise our emotions take. This is the very same reason why the term "Love is Blind" and "Love Makes You Stupid" came from. Because for some reason, we let go of logic and we embrace what is known as "Hope".

I am no expert when it comes to relationships nor do I know more than the next guy about people and their behaviors or how they think and react. I do not hold a degree or a title to call myself a doctor. What I do have though, is experience. And with that let me share with you what I have learned through those years...

First, I want to set the parameter as to what is a real relationship (i.e commitment, partnership) for me. It is where both people invest not just time and money, but also their emotions. Trust, uhm it comes later. So no, it's not part of the initial ingredients for me. And under that same margin, I can say that I've had two relationships. The first one lasted more than three years of us living together. The second one, well, we're still trying to make things work.

Next is to define what is NOT a real relationship for me. Beside missing one of the three ingredients mentioned above, the most important part of the definition is the word "BOTH". Yes, both. you can't call something a relationship when an emotion, or the time, or even the financial matters, are one sided. I call it "Dreams". Because this kind of "relationship" is what we call in Science class as "Parasitism" or in religious terms "Faith". And I am not saying either of them is bad. Whatever suits your coat I always say. All I'm saying is that for me, that is not a real relationship. Trust me, I know, I've been part of it more times that I care to admit.

My History 101. I've had 3 girlfriends. All them when I was a teenager. Yes, something did happen. I even had a scare once because of a delay. But that's a story for another day. Besides them, I've been with more people that my digits can count. I think I stopped counting when they reached 90. Yeah, I know, I'm such a slut blah blah blah. Back to my story. Of all those people that I've "been" with, I fell in love, played, fucked around, got hurt, hurt others back, fuck around some more, fell head over heels, and of course, fuck around some more. I've been called both a parasite and a sugar daddy. I was tagged both as a player and a husband material. None of them matter of course because in the end, it all comes down to the word "BOTH". If it's just one way, then it will just burn away and die. Me, I tried and failed more times that I could remember. I've been scarred beyond recognition. Hurt to the point of numbness. And yet, here I am again, inside another tumultuous relationship, fighting to keep the fire going. Yes, I am hoping. 

Alright I have to stop myself. I got carried away and talked about myself instead of the topic. This is a long post so to end it, I'll leave with this personal quote:

"Relationships works not because of magic or love. It works because of our efforts. Hence the word 'works'."

The Man Behind The Blog (Know The Author) P.2

I've been thinking a lot lately of how my posts and things I wanted to post are about movies and their reviews. I don't want my blog to be just about the movies I watched. Nope, no sir. I want this to be something more like of a diary where I can share a part of my soul, show my inner demons, and hide behind the anonymity that the internet provides.

Below is an excerpt of what's been running through mu head in the last 24 hours. Be warned, some or all of the following things that will be mentioned may not be for general audience.

Here it goes...

I hate myself. More so, I hate what I've become. Every day that passes by, I always say to myself that today is the day that I will be better. That for once in my life, I will be able to say that finally, I did something. Alas, that will not be the case. For the force of my will is not enough to egg me on to improve. I'm stuck in a rut and I am not doing anything to pull myself out.

Don't get me wrong, this is not self pity. I am not saying things to put myself down or to garner any attention from people. I hate attention in general. I just think it's overrated. But who doesn't like some accolades from time to time.

OK. Stop. This is getting depressing. I don't like to be depressed anymore than usual. It seems like writing out the vultures that circling my horrid mind is not something that I should be doing. So yeah, I will stop here about what's inside my deep dark mind before...

But I will say this. I admit I do have a problem. A problem that I must face. And addiction that I need to stop. Do I need help? You can bet your ass that I do. Self restraint is no longer effective so the next step is intervention. I just hope that works. Because I don't know what I will do next if this one fail too.

And there you go folks. An excerpt of what's inside my head. Some will say it's a call for help, other for attention, some might even venture a guess that this are all made up. Well, I guess we will never know until all the cards are revealed :)