KMN

I haven't written anything for a while. I mean to write but I just can't put pen to paper the way I used to be. And it's because I didn't want to write to begin with. I was under the impression that if I didn't write, then it'll just be inside me, and soon, it'll die a natural death. But the longer it goes, the more it corrupts everything in me. And I'm afraid that if I didn't do anything about it now, I won't be able to recognize myself the next morning.

 

I made a mistake of trusting myself.

 

I've been in this world for more than three decades and I've seen a lot of things growing up. I even experienced most of those things. That's why I was pretty confident that I know everything there is to expect, and in hindsight, I did know. It's just that even though I knew what would happened, I still took the risk. I still gambled. And it resulted in something that I thought is no longer possible.

 

I hate myself more than I could possibly hate myself for.

 

Who would have thought that someone as cynical, pathetic, pragmatic, pessimistic, and downright wasted as I am, that I could hope for something better for myself. I actually believed that there's a rainbow after this shitty storm that's currently drenching my life. I actually believed. I actually hoped. I actually saw redemption.

 

Then I fell... hard.

 

It's nobody else's fault but myself. I allowed myself to feel something that I shouldn't in the first place. I opened myself up and brought down my walls. I showed my true self. And in return, I actually thought that I was doing the right thing. And no, I didn't do all of that because I already felt what I felt. No. I did that because I thought it was the right thing to do. Apparently, I was wrong. Because in doing so, I felt something.

 

Goodbye is never easy.

 

I had to pull myself up. I had to turn my back away. I had to do something, anything, to avoid anymore pain. I could endure hurting myself, both physically, emotionally, and mentally, but I could never forgive myself for hurting the people that I care about. And so I have to leave. I had to say my goodbyes. Because staying will only mean hurting them. Yes, I know, leaving could hurt them, too. But the pain is lesser compared to my staying. Because I know myself. I'm an evil person. And I will not stop to get what I want as long as I am around. So I have to leave. I have to go.

 

Redemption is not what I'm after.

 

It might sounded as a good deed, me leaving. Maybe good for the people involved but definitely not for myself. Because this here, leaving, it's killing me. Slowly, painfully. And something inside me dies in every passing second. When the clock strikes twelve, there will be nothing inside me anymore. Nothing to redeem. Nothing to live.

 

 

 

I fell hard.

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Now it's time to get up.

Then And Now

 

I half expected that something will change... that something can change. I was wrong. Or maybe, and this is me being hopeful, I just running out of patient and something will really change, it's just that it hasn't happened yet.

 

I failed miserably in my effort to revitalize my life. Add to that my effort in making this blog exciting was an epic fail. There's no one else to blame but myself. I made a choice, a poor choice, that led to my life being caught in a vicious cycle of despair-anger-hope-crash-despair, that there seems to be no end in sight. Which gave me an idea on how to post on this blog, moving forward. 

 

'Ganito Ako Noon, Heto Ako Ngayon'

 

It will be a look on how I was before and how I am now, bearing in mind that the situation is the same as before. It'll be like, when I gambled before I felt no remorse, nor guilt, because it was a conscious decision that I made. That was before. Today, when I gambled, I felt shame and hate. I still made the decision to gamble but the proudness is no longer there. There, something like that. A point of comparison on a younger self, and a way to see if there was a lesson learned, or maturity of any kind. A form of self assessment, with hopes that in time, I will be able to say to myself, 'hah! look, I did that! A form of redemption, a path to self reclamation, a beginning of change of how I change my fate ends.'

Lesson Well Learned

 

I reached out to my mentor last week. I still haven't heard back from him. I hope he's fine.

 

I've been bothered by a question that I wanted to ask him. I wanted to know why, in all the times that we were together, talking, sharing, learning, that he never shared or showed his own personal problems, not even once, to me. I only realized this quite recently, which means, that in those years that past when he was teaching me, I never once cared for him. I was a little shit of a git that only cared for myself.

 

I wanted to ask him why he never did share, not including his sexual innuendos and adventures, his own humanity. I was left wondering why? Was it because he thought that I will lose some of my respect for him if I see him as a normal person? Did he feel that by sharing his own problems, that it will take away the spotlight from my own issues? Or was it as simple as he didn't trust me enough to share his own burdens?

 

I wanted to know. I needed to know. Because right now, being as stubborn as I am, I went and tried to become a mentor myself. And thinking that not sharing my own problems to those who look up to me, is taking away something from that mentor-mentee relationship. But my problem is, it's not working. Not one bit.

 

So I guess, I got the answer for myself. That as a mentor, it's my job to help those who needed guidance. It's not part of my job description to share my own follies to them, because gods know that they are already stressed enough with what they are carrying. As the adult and the person with the most experience, I should have kept my own issues to myself. Doing so, would highlight the issues that needed to be addressed. Not my issues, but theirs. Because as a mentor, as a guide, as a muse, it is these kids' future that's more important. Not ours, and definitely, not mine.

Another Boring Day At The Office

 

Another boring day in the office. I was browsing 9gag.com when I came across this post:

 

The first point touched too many nerves for my liking but I kept reading, because no matter how I feel about this post, it has a ring of truth in it. However, as one commenter expressed, words are easy, action is tough.

 

Numbers two to four is easy. I don't give a fuck about what people think even before when I was in school. That's why I don't have friends growing up. But whatever suffering and pain I've experienced before, it's all gone now, which proves number 3. And I think it's common knowledge that we're in charge of our own happiness, so that's a no brainer.

 

I would love to make peace with my past. I just can't. I don't think it's possible in my current situation. Number three says that the pain I inflicted on others would have already passed, given ample time, so the knowledge behind it is that we should forgive ourselves for our sins, I should forgive myself. Tough luck. If I do that, then there's a possibility that I will do the same thing to someone else. I'd rather suffer.

 

It's hard not to compare my life with those that's enjoying the fruits of their labors today. I tried not to compare. I tried not to look. But it's really trying. Knowing what I know, it just makes the first point so darn tough! I guess, we can connect number five and six together. Comparing comes with thinking. Over thinking that is. And I'm prone to that. I have to keep my mind in check to stop it from wandering. Another uphill battle but winning is possible. The trick is not to think.

 

And the last point. Smile. Laughter is easy but smile isn't. We smile because we're happy. We smile because we're at peace. It's hard for someone as conflicted as I am. But soon, I will smile, too. It's promise that I made to myself.

P360 - Day 005

'Sundate'

It's always been one of my dreams to have a lazy Sunday with boyfie. Just lounging in a sofa, munching on sandwiches we made, while watching TV. Who would've known that one of those three would happen today?! We made sandwiches together!

Yay!

Now, if we could just find a place were we can lounge in safety and discreetly, that will be awesome!

P360 - Day 004

'Love WIns'

Earlier today, it was a momentous event for our brothers and sisters in the United States of America. The Supreme Court of their land declared that banning same sex marriage is illegal and unconstitutional, thereby saying that anyone, straight, gay, lesbian, anyone can be married. Because marriage is not about procreation, it's about love.

There's a case filed in our very own Supreme Court asking it to declare our country's Family Code, the very same code that declares marriage is only between a man and a woman, for the interest of procreation, as illegal and unconstitutional. If this happens, then it will open up the field for sweeping changes in favor of the LGBT community that until now, is asking our government to pass a law that criminalize discrimination against us. Currently, there's no law that protects us. Just morals and common respect.

The fight is far from over, but we are making strides.  Ultimately, everyone knows, love always win.

Overdue (Re)Introduction

Hello hello hello!

 

I've been planning on introducing myself, yet again, but there's been a lot of things that's going on recently that I had to prioritize. That being said, even though this post almost didn't make it to this blog today, I promised myself that today is the day that I put this here.

 

What is 'this' exactly? 'This' is a post containing information about yours truly, conducted in an interview fashion (by myself as well, such a loser!) in order to bring some semblance of order to this blog. So without further ado, here is my stunning, provocative, extremely overrated, self interview!

 

Hi, please tell us your name, age, location, occupation, and to those who believes in astrology, your star sign.

 

I'm JeKi, not my real name of course. 32 years old, not too old, not too young. Lives in the 'garbage city' part of the metro. Works as a callboy at night in one of the disputed areas between Makati and Taguig. I'm a Sagittarian.

 

Why JeKi?

 

JeKi is a word play, combining my name and my boyfie's name. That's also the name of our dog.

 

Tell us more about your boyfie.

 

Boyfie's hot. Obviously. You know me, I won't settle for anything less. But seriously though, in more than two years that we've been together, he's been the rock that anchored my boat to make sure that it survives the storm that I'm currently in. But enough about him. This post should be about me. I'll let him answer questions about himself in a post dedicated to him.

 

That's nice and sweet. If he's your rock, what are you to him?

 

His ass? Lelz, I kid. I would like to believe that I'm his partner, in all sense of the word. But you better ask him when you get the chance to interview him.

 

Alright, tell us something about yourself that you haven't shared to anyone, including this blog, that you think is interesting and worthwhile.

 

This one is tough. I pride myself as an open book, so all that I can think of right now are things that I've already shared with someone. So let me just share that very few people knows about me - I've been studying how to play a violin. It's both hard and expensive but whenever I see JunCurryAhn, I can't help but be inspired.

 

Violin huh? I thought you are not a musically inclined person?

 

I am not musically inclined but violin players are so hot. I mean, violins are so powerful and flexible that it seems all encompassing, it's transforming.

 

Wow. Alright. You like violins and violin players. Besides those two, what other things do you like?

 

Movies, TV series, Online games, Books, Board games, geeky stuff.

 

Describe your normal day.

 

I wake up, prep up, go to boyfie's house, if it's a workday, we'll go together since our offices are just near each other, if it's a rest day, we'll just hangout. Then go home, either play online games or read a book. Sleep. Repeat.

 

And since this post is already too long, this is the last question for now. Why write? Why blog? What do you get from doing it?

 

I write because I need to write. Writing is an outlet for me. Thoughts that I can't express or say, I write. It helps me cope. It allows me to be the person that I need to be. And I do it here because my handwriting sucks. As my grade school teacher once said "I don't write, I create art"

 

 

There we have it. Finally finished with a 'short' reintroduction. Until next time.

Chocolate Rabbit

As I turn over a new leaf on this blog, I would like to start with reintroducing myself one post at a time. Actually, I had a plan on how to do the introduction with just one post but I'm too high to do it.

 

 

Yup, I'm high.

 

 

I'm high but not from drugs. Nope. I don't do that. I grew up with relatives that destroyed their lives doing drugs so even when I haven't tried it, I can state for a fact that it can't do any good to anyone. Just look at my family. Anyway, I am high. I ate too many chocolates.

 

I like chocolates. But I try not to eat them as often as I can. Sugar rush is a serious thing. Makes me hyper and horny. Yup, you got that right. Horny. Some people say spicy food is their aphrodisiac, well mine's chocolate.

 

I remember one time, after not having chocolates for more than a month, I ate a piece right after lunch. I locked myself in my room, and jerked myself to exhaustion. I think I did it like five times in less than 3 hours. I'm a horny rabbit. LOL.

 

There was this one time, while in the office, the client gave away sweets and chocolates. I ate one and after an hour, I excused myself from the meeting because I can no longer focus to the material being discussed. I rushed to the nearest restroom to release my pent up urge. Only then was I able to finish the discussion. So yeah, chocolates are bad. The good kind of bad.

 

So, you might be wondering, now that I had too much chocolate to consume while in the office, did I do it? The answer is a big NOPE. Because there is such a thing as too much. And too much sugar is bad for your boner. Trust me, I know. I'm feeling it right now. LOL.

 

Now, time to go ransack the fridge for more chocolates harharhar

Beginning Of A New Ending

It's past midnight and I'm preparing for work. Everyone in the house is still up, watching "Here Comes The Bride" on TV. I've seen the movie so I didn't give it much attention and just walked right past it on my way out of the house.

 

On my way to work, sitting inside a bus as it hurtled along EDSA, a lady argued with the conductor about the fare. Apparently, they were overpricing their tickets and those who are caught unaware paid more. Good thing she knows how much she should be paying and stood her ground. She got some of her money back.

 

Now I'm in the office, waiting for something to happen. There's no point in asking for more responsibilities. I tried. There's none. So I just sit idle while waiting for people to call. Wasting away like all the other days that I've been here. What a waste of talent.

 

I pulled up my blog. A comment from Sepsep. It's always nice to see someone comment on your work, especially someone like him. If you know him and had the privilege of reading his work, you'll know what I'm talking about.

 

And then my eye wandered to the very top of this blog. The banner and the title that I decided to use was shouting at me. Daring me. Glaring at me.

The Beginning Of A New Ending

the day I changed how my fate ends...

 

When I started this blog, I had a purpose. I had an idea. A new beginning. A new ending. A new me. Funny thing is, that I've been drudging on like a drone, feeling hurt, downright depressing, and someone of a downer... someone I've always been, a complete contrast to what I was trying to achieve here. I've lost my focus. I've taken my eye off the prize.

 

I'm suddenly reminded how the characters in the movie I mentioned above got their second chances and what they made use of it. I'm reminded of the lady in the bus that stood her ground and fight for what is rightfully hers. And I'm reminded of how Sepsep keep on telling me about redemption and such. That this blog can be better. That I could be better.

 

This blog should not be a reminder of the past but a beacon of light.

 

It is time to change the course of things. Though it had a rough and bumpy start, it's time to create a new ending. Fate has given me another chance. I intend to take it.

Of Crossroads And Other Paths

"...Now I have come to the crossroads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard..."

- Lt. Col. Frank Slade, Scent of A Woman

 

 

I've been going through a lot lately. Don't ask me what about because I myself doesn't know what or why. All I know is that lately, I'm always tired, drained of energy, and some days, downright depressed. I've lost my appetite for both food and life. All I want to do is to lock myself in my room, day and night, waste away playing online games, until the day I die.

 

I've lost my motivation, my push, my will to live.

 

I'm merely existing. Almost flitting.

 

It could be depression. I don't know and I don't care. I just thought writing it here could somehow help. Or maybe this is just a call for attention that I think I deserve. Maybe.

 

I've been doing some thinking lately. Which is bad considering that I overthink everything. I oftentimes allow my mind to wander way far ahead. That's why I stopped thinking about many things for a long time. But having all this time that I have now that I have locked myself away from everyone, I can't help but think.

 

For the good part, I wanted to reinvent this blog. I have an idea of making it more light and fun. Though it will run contrary to what I feel usually, at least it won't be so heavy. I will try to inject humor to the tragedy that I will share. Again, someone that is not me. But it would be redundant if I write as who I really am in real life, someone who is boring, heavy to be with, full of drama individual. What's the use of having an online persona right? It's just it won't be me. It won't be me.

 

For the bad part, I've been thinking of breaking up with the love of my life, my current partner, my boyfriend, my one. I love him so much and it pains me to see him suffering because of me. Would he be hurt if I leave him, yes, he will be. At least I hope he will be. And then he'll move on. Compare that to being stuck with me through all this years, sucking up all his positive vibes and replacing it with my negative aura. Imagine living with a dementor as your partner. You'll be insane as all the prisoners in Azkaban. I don't want him to be insane. I want him to be happy. And I don't think I can do that anymore.

 

I'm on a crossroad of some sort. I know what path I must take. Will I take it? I don't know.  It seems to be too damn hard.

And So I Write.... Again.

I'm sad today. I don't know why. I have an idea why but I really don't know the reason behind the general feeling of sadness I currently feel. I want to hide inside my room and cuddle some pillows. I just want to stay in bed all day or until this feeling of anxiety and depression goes away. Until then, I shall write. I heard/read somewhere that writing down your thoughts could help in alleviating some of the stress and tension one feels. Here's to giving it a try.

 

I want to do a lot of things and I hate myself for ruining every opportunities accorded to me. I hate myself for allowing pride and selfishness to destroy my hopes and dreams. I hate myself for letting everyone I know down, for letting myself down. I do not know how else to put it. I do not know how else to say it. I fucking hate myself.

 

Apparently, I don't know much. I thought I did. Or more like, I hope I did. No, that's wrong. I knew that I didn't know much. I was just confident enough that I can bullshit my way through things. Such is my gift and my curse. The power of the tongue. Be that as it may, I am getting tired of this shit. I'm getting tired period. I just want some peace and quiet. I just can't afford it. Because I was, and still am, eternally stupid.

 

I'm getting tired of people in general. In my line of work, we call it burning out. Usually, a trip to the beach, or a night out with friends should do the trick of rekindling the flames. But who am I kidding. I don't do fun. I don't do friends. I pretend. A lot. And then pretend some more. Because pretending is the only way that I know how to make people happy. Because if I didn't pretend, I'll be like a black hole/dementor that sucks away happiness from people just by being around them. The thought just made me smile. I'm an evil person.

 

I feel shackled. I feel tied down. I feel caged, unable to fly. I want to go. I want to travel. I want to see the world. But I've created the very circumstance that prevents me from doing so. I've shackled, tied down, and caged myself. Because I was stupid enough to believe in luck...

 

I will stop here. Obviously writing is not helping me in my current situation. The more I write, the more hate I feel towards myself.

 

 

I'll just go back to watching porn.

Random Ramblings #4

I never wanted to fall in love again. I've been hurt too many times that I've decided that I will be growing old alone but never lonely. I will be a mentor for the young and the new. I will share with them both the scars and wrinkles of smiles of the past. So they may learn and live their lives according to what they want, making informed decisions as they grow old.

 

Funny how life turns out differently than what we want and plan. I'm in love with a great guy. He's more than I deserve. I love him more each day. Also, I've met great kids that I thought I could share my vast experience with, but they ended up teaching me instead. They showed me what it means to be happy. They taught me how to live life to the fullest.

 

But in life, there's always complications. There's always problems that can't be solve with brute force. Experience taught me that. I guess, that's something I can share with the kids someday. For now, I will just have to shoulder it on my own. I'm sure I'll come up with something that can ease, if not solve, the issues at hand. I'm good that way.

 

I do not know why I'm writing this. I just wanted to write. I know I'm a little frustrated right now. I know I'm feeling left out. I know I'm not at my best. But writing, here, now, it makes me feel good somehow. And so I write, even when there's nothing to write.

 

Just because I wanted to.

Of Dreams and Reality

A new born baby, touching a man's face for the first time, and knowing that that man is his father.

 

A kid, sitting alone in the corner, looking longingly out the window, watching the other kids play.

 

A young boy, playing by himself, while all the others are laughing and running, because no one wants to play with him.

 

A student, passing a project with just his name on it, his classmates jeering and pointing, saying crude words of selfishness and disgust.

 

A young man behind bars, determined not to show his fears to the big angry man that took his shoes away.

 

Fear. Loneliness. Dread. Anger. Grief.

 

A picture of a brain, glowing. A voice, saying a radioactive 7 isotope was the key to reveal our oldest memories.

 

 

I woke up drenched in sweat.

 

What a weird dream.

Conversation Conversion

 

Hi. It's been a while. How are you?

 

Haller! Kebs lang ang peg. Witchikels nasightsung ang fabulosang nyolikula ni fafa Paul pero keribels lang teh.

 

Huh?

 

Ay, bobo ka teh? Di marunong umintindi ng tagalog?

 

Uhm, yeah... OK. So how's your lovelife?

 

Boom! Lovelife agad ang tanong? May poot at pagiimbot? Wit ng itanong ang ganyang mga bagelya wirishima naman may pangyayari! Kakaimbei ka teh.

 

Alright, no lovelife, how about sex life?

 

Wit lang may ganap waley na lablayf? Assuming lang? Nagmamaasim?

 

No, no. I mean, I was just asking...

 

No, no mo puke mong green! hauff to. Oo nga, akez na ang katuyot tuyotan to the highest bitak bitak level kasi walang dilig pero pero pero, I hab a lablayf haller!!!

 

So, you have someone but you don't engage in coitus with him?

 

Aray ko, nosebleed ka teh. anong koytus koytus pinagsasabi mo? baka gusto mong koytusan kita dyan.

 

Coitus is sex

 

Weh di spluk mo ganun. Sex. Sex. Kangkangan. Iyutan. Diligan. Sex. Sex. Sey eyt. Sex.

 

Sex.

 

Ayan. Ganern. Pero waley sex teh. At bago mo pa itanong kung may love making kami ni labidabs, waley din. Kaya lagi akong imbernadette sebrano. Namputchang lablayf to, walang perks!

 

Ah so you call him that? Labidabs?

 

Yesterday! May tama ka!

 

Alright, moving on. What are you doing here?

 

Ayan tayo eh, may poot na naman. Kulang ka sa sex teh. Divekels pweds na anditech akiz kasi miss kita?

 

No.

 

Tarush! Plang! Pak! Ikaw na ang kabanal banalan. Anywei, gokungwei, nanditey akiz kasi may I announce ang lolo mo ng pagbubukas ng parlor kez. Yiz! Dizizit pancit! Ang pangarap na parlor kez, nanditey na! Ohdavah! Ang tarush lang?!

 

You have a parlor?

 

Ay, teh, pogi ka nga bobo ka naman, bingi pa. Kakaspluk ko lang teh. may parlor akeiz. Linis linis din ng tutule pag may time.

 

What made you decide to open a parlor?

 

Ganitey yan teh, makinig kasi wit ko na itey uulitin. I remember yesterday, the world was still young, uso pa nun ang Cerelac at United American Tiki Tiki. Panahon itey ng pagdadalaga ng mga boyband, at ang internet ay prepaid pa na 56kbps ang bilis. Ganitembang ang panahon, makulimlim, kumikidlat. Ng biglang kumulog, umulan, at nagbukas ang parlor ni Wanda, ang aking propesora sa kagandahan. Kakalungkot kasi wit na bukas ang parlor ni kuya. Kaya naisip kez na bakit sya lang? bakit hindi din akiz? Keri ko ba magspread ng kagandahan? Feelingera akiz kaya yiz ang sagot ko dyan. Kaya, heto akiz, standing in front of a boy, asking him to... to... huy! Bumalik ka dito! Di pa ko tapos magkwento!

Random Ramblings #2

Are you happy?

 

I think I am.

 

Do you still see a future for us?

 

I think I do.

 

Do you think we can move forward?

 

I think we can.

 

Do you still love me?

 

I think so. Yes, I think I do.

 

 

When we try to convince ourselves of what we think we should be feeling, and we did get ourselves convinced, how sure are we that we really are feeling that way? How sure are we of anything?

 

I've read Simon's and Maktub's recent posts. Full of emotions. Full of reality. At least, for them. Does wanting that same kind of reality makes me a romantic or an idealist? Sentimental? Can I be all three? I don't think so. I can't be both.

 

Sentimental and romantic. Both words I heard people used to describe me. And those same words were used to point what I lack. How ironic.

 

I'm in a dilemma. I'm in a crossroad. I'm afraid. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm petrified. I can't move. I can't think. All I can do is write...

 

Write of the past. Write of the present. Write of the future. Write all the ideas that I can find and as far as the imagination can fly. For with written words, we can feel secure. We can feel safe. We can feel... love.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel.

 

because right now, I feel alone.

In The Name Of Love

When it comes to love, we do crazy things. I've done my share and asked the same from a lot of people. Today was no different. I did something that I never thought I could do. Have a full leg wax.

Im pretty attached to my hairy legs. I personally find them sexy. Same goes for those of my boyfriend. Imagine my shock when he said he wanted to get them waxed off. Like every good boyfriend, I did my best to dissuade him but to no avail. That is why we  both ended here, at the Lay Bare waxing salon, shouting in pain while trying to laugh it off.

Lesson learned: if you love someone, we do things from as big as saying sorry even when it's not our fault up to the small things like being bottom even when you're a top. Just don't forget that there are certain quarters and beliefs that we can't compromise. Because if we do, we are no longer lovers. Just a robot trying to do his master's bidding. Nobody wants to end like that

Pabling

I usually write in English. It's the written language that I am more comfortable in expressing myself but for the purpose of this entry, I will write in the vernacular to impress the needed emotion and the gravity of the message.

Marami na akong nakarelasyon. Bata pa lang ako, marami na akong napaiyak na tao. Nagsimula lahat sa una kong "gelpren" nung elementary ako. Highschool sya, grade six ako. Sya ang first kiss ko. Kabata-bata ko nung lumandi ako. Pero ano nga bang alam natin noon di ba? Basta ang alam ko, masaya ako kasi meron ako na wala ang mga kaklase ko. Tumagal ang relasyon namin ng mga tatlong lingo. Ang tagal na nun para sa isang bata kaya halos isang buong araw akong hindi nakakain. Tandang tanda ko pa yun. Bata pa lang ako drama king na ako.

Simula noon, nagpapalit palit na ako ng gelpren. Maraming babae na umiyak, nagalit, at nasaktan. Sino ba naman kasi ang matutuwa kapag nalaman mo na ang boyfriend mo pa lang tutoy pa ay pinagsabaysabay kayong tatlo na magbabarkada. Pogi ko din noh? 

 Highschool ako noon ng magsimula akong makipaglaspagan sa mga babae. Isa sa umaga, isa sa tangali, isa sa gabi. Hayok na hayok lang ako sa laman. Ang sarap kasi. Kakaiba ang feeling. At syempre, dahil panahon pa ni mahoma at kopong kopong, walang kapo-kapote ito. Bira ng bira, tira ng tira, sarap na sarap. Kapal ng mukha, lakas ng loob. Boom!

Tumigil ang lahat nung tumungtong ako ng kolehiyo. Paano ba naman, delay ng dalawang lingo si gelpren! Katakot ampupu. Ang alam ko ako ang hari ng sablay eh bakit ganun bakit parang nasapol ngayon? Hindi ko alam gagawin ko nun kasi hindi pa ko handa maging tatay. Sarili ko nga hindi ko maayos magdadala pa ako ng bata sa mundong ibabaw? Anakampusangalangwalangkilay! Ayaw, ayaw, ayaw.

Nadala ako dahil dun. Kaya sa buong taon ko sa kolehiyo, birhen ako ulit. Wala munang babae. Wala munang putahe. Aral muna. Good boy muna ako. Sarap buhay. Galing galing. Dami ko naipon. Walang magastos na gelpren na kailangan regaluhan at dalin sa motmot.

Nakapagtapos naman ako ng wala pang panganay. Pero dahil malaya na ako, naisip ko ng bumalik sa buhay pabling. Pero pero pero dahil nagpaka alive alive ako, kinalawang na ata kukote ko. Isa na akong naglalakad na torpe. Depress-depress-an ako. Araw araw inom. Hangang sa natsambahan ng isang barkada ko. Sarap ng inuman, parehong nalasing, may gumapang, may nagpagapang.

Dahil sa nangyari, nagbago ang pananaw ko sa buhay. Napaisip ako ng matindi at dahil bawal ako nagiisip, may kung anong butete na gumalaw sa utak ko. Bakit nga ba hindi ko pasukin ang mundo na hindi ko pinasok noon? Wala naman mawawala kung susubukan. Marami na akong matutunan, mageenjoy pa ako. Kaya ako'y tumalon, tumakbo, kumadirit, nag split, sabay kindat sa mundong aking ginagalawan ngayon. At dahil totoo ang kasabihang "History Repeats Itself" ako'y bumalik sa buhay pabling. Sa buhay "tres" - isang tao sa umaga, isa sa hapon, at isa sa gabi.

Suma total, naka tatlong gelpren ako pero hindi ko na mabilang kung ilan ang naging pampalipas oras at init lang. Sa kabilang dako ng bahaghari naman, nasa pang apat na ako na boypren. Hindi ko na din mabilang kung ilan ang nakahati ko sa magdamag. Sama mo na din sa umaga, tangahali, at hapon. Nakakapagod pero marami akong natutunan. Marami akong nalaman. Kaya ko na siguro sabihin na alam ko na kung anong dapat at hindi dapat gawin para maging "successful" ang relasyon ko. Yun nga lang, panahon lang ang magpapatunay.

I Lost 30LBS In A Month!

Last April 1, after 20 years of avoiding hospitals and doctors, I yielded and had myself checked up (iba talaga nagagawa ng pagmamahal haist!). There's this nagging pain in my lower right abdominal area that I was enduring for several months. In the behest of my beloved, I went to the hospital. They took my vital signs. 5 ft 9 inches... 165 lbs... 130/90 BP... add to that the results of the ultrasound, blood chem, X-rays, and every other poke of needles that they did seems to point that I'm in the prime of my life! It's just pain where no one seems to figure out the source of.  So the doctors decided to do a something drastic. They went and stick a think, hard, long, cylindrical object up my ass. Not that I mind but I usually reserve my tush for my one and only hihihi (and harot!) 

After an hour of enema, half an hour of preparation and orientation, and five hours under sedation, I woke up with a tingling sensation in my behind that felt like the 69 Cosmo bachelors spent they're morning there. Again, not that I mind hihihi...

Another 27 thousand years passed, and the result is finally here! I just have to wait for my doctor to show up and read them to me. And so he did.

The results were inconclusive but finally, a ray of hope, a sign from above, a signal from my behind, a symptom that could be the very reason why I am in pain! At last, my thirst for knowledge was sated!

Then everything was shattered.  Autoimmune he called it. Genetic condition he described it. But all I heard was that I will no longer be able eat ice cream for the rest of my life! Oh Zeus! Kill me now!

Because of my said condition, I have to limit the amount of food I consume. Maximum of two cups of rice a day! That's a day! I currently hold the record in our local Mang Inasal for the most number of rice a person ate in one sitting with just 2 sticks of barbeque as my viand! I should avoid eating red meat, which is for someone who detest veggies is like a death sentence. I have to minimize my dairy intake and ice cream is a no no lest I risk of a stomach flu to last a week! And the biggest food "no-uh" are spicy and oily foods (goodbye lechon, goodbye sisig!) Argh!!!

A new diet a new me. Or so they say. I lost 30 lbs (currently at 135lbs) waistline is now back to 31 from 34, and my partner is now saying that a sign that my long lost abs will come to show again (nambola pa!) But I do feel better with the help of medication (lifetime na ito!) and the support of my ever loving soulmate. 

Aja! See you guys in the beach!

Of Introduction and Assimilation

I'm trying to kick start this blog one more time. I'm hoping that this post and the the new layout I have will help motivate me to post more now that my work is becoming less stressful. In a few weeks time, I should be able to have more free time. Well at least that's the plan.

What do I do anyway? Whenever someone asks this question, I always do a quick observation of who I'm talking to, what I will be able to achieve by giving such information, and the mutual benefits that comes with it. Too much thinking for a simple question, I know. I'm just that haywire up there in my shell but I digress. I work for one of the financial institutions in the United States but based in the Philippines. "Call Center"... "BPO"... "Outsourcing"... these are just a few of the terms that might have crossed your mind after reading the previous statement. On paper, we are not a BPO or Call/Contact Center or Outsourced company. We are a separate entity under a different class. But that's just on paper. Experience wise, it works exactly like a normal call center would. I should know. I've been in the BPO industry for the last 13 years.

The company that I'm working for falls under the other side of the fence of Outsourcing. We are called Offshore branch or to sound more classy, International Satellite Office. Our jobs were not outsourced to a different firm or company but rather the US based company decided to put up an office here and hire the locals to help them up. Sounds like the next step towards getting out of the stereotype of being in the call center industry but it's not. Graveyard shift is still the norm. People are still hooked up to coffee machines to keep them awake. And the accent... yes that accent. I can imagine people already cringing but I digress yet again. Back to the topic that is my job. My work deals with the stock market. My position and job description goes with the lines that I am licensed to trade in all the US stock market. I deal with people's money and investment as far as shares, dividends, mutual funds, and interests are concerned. We deal with people's life savings and the risk of losing all of it in a matter of seconds. It sounds thrilling and exciting but it's not. It's tiring and stressful. Just the way I like it. Because at the end of the day, it is just like every call center there is - we pick up the phones to talk to customers and answer their questions.

For more than 13 years I've been doing this job. And to be honest, I don't think I can do anything else. That's why even when I say I'm tired of receiving calls, this is the only kind of job I can do now. All of my other skills are now lost. This industry have absorbed me as part of it's machinery. Outside of it, I am but scrap metal. But all hope is not lost. This coming November 23, 2020, I will hang my headset for good.

The Ultimate Flashback

I used to blog. Used to. Yes. To be quite truthful, this would have been my fifth attempt to write a decent blog.

I've tried writing about movies under the name JMFreak. I wrote about call center career guide as jmfreak1028. I was Dark Knight as I told countless stories of my sexcapades. I wrote about my love and relationship as TL. And now, here I am, writing yet again, with blog that doesn't seem to have any direction. Full of randomness. Disorganize thoughts would be putting it mildly.

Of all the mentioned attempts that I had, only two remain available for people to peruse. This one were you are right now, and the one before this. Yes, it's the story of my broken love. The blog that contain my very soul...

I would have deleted it. Just like all the rest before it. Yet I can't bring myself to do so. And no, it's not the glory nor the limelight of days past that stops me from doing it. Everybody knows that it didn't even reached its prime. Yet the pain and the reminder of what it brings puts a smile on my face whenever I visit that old home of mine. It's as if talking to myself and seeing how much I've not changed. Not one bit.

To those who are curious enough to visit the old place and read up about who and what I am, you can visit it by clicking here.

I will thrive. I will move. I will fight. I will die... but I will love. I will laugh. I will live.