M's the Word

It started like any other day, then whammed! I got hit with a one-two combination from my mom.

My mom has this special powers of making my life stressful. Whenever I go home, I had to endure her non stop talk about everything single problem in our family, our neighbors' family, the village people's family, and whoever the family of the person that's on TV. And if you happen to drop by our house by any chance, you could probably hear her saying something like...

"... anong ginagawa mo sa buhay mo? Kumustahin mo nga kapatid mo. Alam mo ba na bayaran na ng bills bukas? Bakit hindi mo kausapin ung kapitbahay natin? Alamin mo bakit namatay ung halaman nila. Tapos tawagan mo kapatid mo at kausapin mo. Bakit nga ba wala ka pang asawa? ano nga ba ginagawa mo sa buhay mo? Papasok ka din ba sa politika? Aba maganda yan, tumakbo kang kapitan para tumigil na sa kakatapon ng basura sa kanto natin ang mga kapitbahay natin na pasaway..."

and it will just continue on until I shut the door of my room and lock myself in.

But today is a different day. It seems like her superpowers is drawing it's strength from the super moon outside and I was the pariah that will receive all her jabs...

"... malapit na pala birthday mo. Ilan taon ka na? 32 ka na this year? Aba matanda ka na bakit hindi ka pa nagaasawa? Yung kapitbahay natin may anak na magandang dalaga. Tanda mo ba yun? Kaklase mo ata yun nung kindergarten. Kausapin mo. Dalan mo ng prutas. Bukas magluluto ako ng meryenda aayain ko dito para magusap kayo. Tiyak ko magkakagustuhan kayo agad. Kung ayaw mo naman sa kanya, yung may tindahan sa dulo, ung anak nun laging pagala-gala dyan pag gabi. Tutal mukhang wala ka naman ginagawa sa bahay samahan mo mag gala. O ano mag aasawa ka na? Gusto ko na ng apo. Aba ang tanda mo na! Nyahaha..."

I froze. I didn't know what to say. I would like to respond but that might invite her to prolong the conversation.

Instead, I gave her a quaterturn and walked away.

Yup, that's my mom alright. She carries the world on her shoulders and I love her for it. She's the best. OK, maybe she's not the coolest, or the richest, or the smartest, but she's mine, and that's all that matters. I love you mom!

Busted

I really thought the day would never come... wait, who am I kidding, I always knew this day will come. It was just a matter of time.

Apparently, my boyfriend, my partner in life, knew about this blog's existence for quite sometime. He just didn't say anything about it. Not until today anyway.

He was hurt. Still hurting. I can't say I blame him for hating me. I did write some things here that, well, let's just say borders social conventions of what a relationship should be.

Today's the fourth time that our relationship suffer such a crushing blow in it's two years of existence. I would enumerate them all but I do not have the energy to do so... Let's just say twice it was my fault, twice was his. Today's mine though. And I hate myself more than the usual.

I could have denied it. I could have lied. But I made a promise that I would never lie to him. Yes, an arguement can be made that keeping a secret is lying by omission. Good thing he would disagree with that.

He has his secrets and I respect his privacy. I was an open book to him from day one. I never pretended, I never held back. But there were just those things that I can't talk about without writing... hiding behind the anonymity of the world wide web. Sharing my thoughts to others like myself.

The thing is, I never intended to hurt him. I never intended to hide things. Things just happened. I know, it's a lame excuse. I should know, I'm very good with excuses. Used them my entire life.

He will read this. He will probably hate me even more. Talking to faceless people instead of him... sharing my thoughts to people other than him...

Ah, I'm babbling. I was stupid and I knew it. I hate myself. I love him and I want to spend my life with him.  I know he wanted the same thing too. I just keep on making it difficult for him... what a shame.

The O Experience

There are those people who prefer to go out on Saturday night and those who doesn't. There are those who hit the bars and party out and there are those who doesn't...

I don't. He does.

I've been to this bar before. About 5 times. All of which was born out of necessity. OK,  didn't have to but I did... because that's what the people I want to see happy want to do. Peer pressure? Nope. Just plain old stupidity.

Don't get wrong. I have nothing against people who prefer to go there and exchange sweat with other people while their eardrums shatter from whatever blaring noise they called music. They enjoy it and I just don't.

I prefer quite and tranquility. I would rather stay home, cook, watch some movie and cuddle. No takers? I would rather just stay in bed, clutching my favorite pillow while romancing the stars with whomever the author of the current book that I'm reading prefers to call his protagonist. Boring? Maybe for you. I'm having an awesome time.

There's just something about crowded joints that I do not understand. How can so many people fit inside such a small space and enjoy? Why would they even want to do it in the first place? How can they savor the company they keep if they could barely hear themselves? Is this what our world call fun? What the hell is going on?!

Sheez. I'm ranting again. He doesn't like it when I do that so I'll just stop. My head hurts and and ears is ringing. Hopefully, their not yet busted.