I've been thinking a lot lately of how my posts and things I wanted to post are about movies and their reviews. I don't want my blog to be just about the movies I watched. Nope, no sir. I want this to be something more like of a diary where I can share a part of my soul, show my inner demons, and hide behind the anonymity that the internet provides.
Below is an excerpt of what's been running through mu head in the last 24 hours. Be warned, some or all of the following things that will be mentioned may not be for general audience.
Here it goes...
I hate myself. More so, I hate what I've become. Every day that passes by, I always say to myself that today is the day that I will be better. That for once in my life, I will be able to say that finally, I did something. Alas, that will not be the case. For the force of my will is not enough to egg me on to improve. I'm stuck in a rut and I am not doing anything to pull myself out.
Don't get me wrong, this is not self pity. I am not saying things to put myself down or to garner any attention from people. I hate attention in general. I just think it's overrated. But who doesn't like some accolades from time to time.
OK. Stop. This is getting depressing. I don't like to be depressed anymore than usual. It seems like writing out the vultures that circling my horrid mind is not something that I should be doing. So yeah, I will stop here about what's inside my deep dark mind before...
But I will say this. I admit I do have a problem. A problem that I must face. And addiction that I need to stop. Do I need help? You can bet your ass that I do. Self restraint is no longer effective so the next step is intervention. I just hope that works. Because I don't know what I will do next if this one fail too.
And there you go folks. An excerpt of what's inside my head. Some will say it's a call for help, other for attention, some might even venture a guess that this are all made up. Well, I guess we will never know until all the cards are revealed :)
I think all of us have those kind of feelings and thoughts from time to time. So don't be too hard on yourself Jeki. :)
ReplyDeletethanks for the pep talk boss sef :D
ReplyDeleteHm, di naman to midlife crisis...
ReplyDeleteUsually when one claims of an "addiction", it's more of "guilty pleasure".
So now, Sir Jeki, I wonder what's your fetish and how come it's bothersome to you when it's clearly, your source of pleasure?
Why all the guilt?
Just the curious cat in me.