A Poem For The Ages

 

I miss the days when I was young. Inspired and ambitious. I wanted to change the world.

 

I miss the days when I was innocent and naïve. Unyielding, uncompromising. I stood for what I believe in.

 

I miss the days when I was stronger. Agile and functional. I went to all the places that I wanted to go.

 

I miss the days when I was a man. Able to stand for my own, accepting my responsibility with pride.

 

I miss the days when I was me. Shy and curious. Willing to learn and to try but to timid to move.

 

I miss the days when I was with him. When it was all smiles and laughter. It was one the days that I can say I was happy. Those days are rare.

 

I miss the time when I was able to make him smile. The sound of his laughter and the way his eyes disappears every single time. It was an achievement of the highest order.

 

I miss the days when we fought or argued. Feelings were hurt but the honesty and love was there. It was one of those rare days that I could say, I was at least honest with myself.

 

But most of all, I miss him. I miss his face, I miss his touch. I miss his kiss, I miss his hugs. I miss voice, I miss his mind. I miss his warmth, I miss his joy. I miss him so bad it hurts...

KMN

I haven't written anything for a while. I mean to write but I just can't put pen to paper the way I used to be. And it's because I didn't want to write to begin with. I was under the impression that if I didn't write, then it'll just be inside me, and soon, it'll die a natural death. But the longer it goes, the more it corrupts everything in me. And I'm afraid that if I didn't do anything about it now, I won't be able to recognize myself the next morning.

 

I made a mistake of trusting myself.

 

I've been in this world for more than three decades and I've seen a lot of things growing up. I even experienced most of those things. That's why I was pretty confident that I know everything there is to expect, and in hindsight, I did know. It's just that even though I knew what would happened, I still took the risk. I still gambled. And it resulted in something that I thought is no longer possible.

 

I hate myself more than I could possibly hate myself for.

 

Who would have thought that someone as cynical, pathetic, pragmatic, pessimistic, and downright wasted as I am, that I could hope for something better for myself. I actually believed that there's a rainbow after this shitty storm that's currently drenching my life. I actually believed. I actually hoped. I actually saw redemption.

 

Then I fell... hard.

 

It's nobody else's fault but myself. I allowed myself to feel something that I shouldn't in the first place. I opened myself up and brought down my walls. I showed my true self. And in return, I actually thought that I was doing the right thing. And no, I didn't do all of that because I already felt what I felt. No. I did that because I thought it was the right thing to do. Apparently, I was wrong. Because in doing so, I felt something.

 

Goodbye is never easy.

 

I had to pull myself up. I had to turn my back away. I had to do something, anything, to avoid anymore pain. I could endure hurting myself, both physically, emotionally, and mentally, but I could never forgive myself for hurting the people that I care about. And so I have to leave. I had to say my goodbyes. Because staying will only mean hurting them. Yes, I know, leaving could hurt them, too. But the pain is lesser compared to my staying. Because I know myself. I'm an evil person. And I will not stop to get what I want as long as I am around. So I have to leave. I have to go.

 

Redemption is not what I'm after.

 

It might sounded as a good deed, me leaving. Maybe good for the people involved but definitely not for myself. Because this here, leaving, it's killing me. Slowly, painfully. And something inside me dies in every passing second. When the clock strikes twelve, there will be nothing inside me anymore. Nothing to redeem. Nothing to live.

 

 

 

I fell hard.

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Now it's time to get up.

Then And Now

 

I half expected that something will change... that something can change. I was wrong. Or maybe, and this is me being hopeful, I just running out of patient and something will really change, it's just that it hasn't happened yet.

 

I failed miserably in my effort to revitalize my life. Add to that my effort in making this blog exciting was an epic fail. There's no one else to blame but myself. I made a choice, a poor choice, that led to my life being caught in a vicious cycle of despair-anger-hope-crash-despair, that there seems to be no end in sight. Which gave me an idea on how to post on this blog, moving forward. 

 

'Ganito Ako Noon, Heto Ako Ngayon'

 

It will be a look on how I was before and how I am now, bearing in mind that the situation is the same as before. It'll be like, when I gambled before I felt no remorse, nor guilt, because it was a conscious decision that I made. That was before. Today, when I gambled, I felt shame and hate. I still made the decision to gamble but the proudness is no longer there. There, something like that. A point of comparison on a younger self, and a way to see if there was a lesson learned, or maturity of any kind. A form of self assessment, with hopes that in time, I will be able to say to myself, 'hah! look, I did that! A form of redemption, a path to self reclamation, a beginning of change of how I change my fate ends.'

Lesson Well Learned

 

I reached out to my mentor last week. I still haven't heard back from him. I hope he's fine.

 

I've been bothered by a question that I wanted to ask him. I wanted to know why, in all the times that we were together, talking, sharing, learning, that he never shared or showed his own personal problems, not even once, to me. I only realized this quite recently, which means, that in those years that past when he was teaching me, I never once cared for him. I was a little shit of a git that only cared for myself.

 

I wanted to ask him why he never did share, not including his sexual innuendos and adventures, his own humanity. I was left wondering why? Was it because he thought that I will lose some of my respect for him if I see him as a normal person? Did he feel that by sharing his own problems, that it will take away the spotlight from my own issues? Or was it as simple as he didn't trust me enough to share his own burdens?

 

I wanted to know. I needed to know. Because right now, being as stubborn as I am, I went and tried to become a mentor myself. And thinking that not sharing my own problems to those who look up to me, is taking away something from that mentor-mentee relationship. But my problem is, it's not working. Not one bit.

 

So I guess, I got the answer for myself. That as a mentor, it's my job to help those who needed guidance. It's not part of my job description to share my own follies to them, because gods know that they are already stressed enough with what they are carrying. As the adult and the person with the most experience, I should have kept my own issues to myself. Doing so, would highlight the issues that needed to be addressed. Not my issues, but theirs. Because as a mentor, as a guide, as a muse, it is these kids' future that's more important. Not ours, and definitely, not mine.

So What?

I was about to post the continuation of my sad story but decided against it. Though I already typed close to 200 words, I scrapped everything and went with this post instead. Because after everything is said and done, I can't changed the fact that I failed. That I relapsed into my gambling ways. That I've lost my entire paycheck in one sitting. That I've ruined my weekend getaway with boyfie. That, I now have no means to pay my bills or even buy food. Those are the facts and they are indisputable. But then again, so what?

 

So what if I failed?  So what if I lost?

 

At least I tried.

 

Now what?

 

Now it's time to move on.

 

The Sun still shines right? I'm still breathing. I can still fight.

 

I might have lost this battle. But I will win this war.

Overdue (Re)Introduction

Hello hello hello!

 

I've been planning on introducing myself, yet again, but there's been a lot of things that's going on recently that I had to prioritize. That being said, even though this post almost didn't make it to this blog today, I promised myself that today is the day that I put this here.

 

What is 'this' exactly? 'This' is a post containing information about yours truly, conducted in an interview fashion (by myself as well, such a loser!) in order to bring some semblance of order to this blog. So without further ado, here is my stunning, provocative, extremely overrated, self interview!

 

Hi, please tell us your name, age, location, occupation, and to those who believes in astrology, your star sign.

 

I'm JeKi, not my real name of course. 32 years old, not too old, not too young. Lives in the 'garbage city' part of the metro. Works as a callboy at night in one of the disputed areas between Makati and Taguig. I'm a Sagittarian.

 

Why JeKi?

 

JeKi is a word play, combining my name and my boyfie's name. That's also the name of our dog.

 

Tell us more about your boyfie.

 

Boyfie's hot. Obviously. You know me, I won't settle for anything less. But seriously though, in more than two years that we've been together, he's been the rock that anchored my boat to make sure that it survives the storm that I'm currently in. But enough about him. This post should be about me. I'll let him answer questions about himself in a post dedicated to him.

 

That's nice and sweet. If he's your rock, what are you to him?

 

His ass? Lelz, I kid. I would like to believe that I'm his partner, in all sense of the word. But you better ask him when you get the chance to interview him.

 

Alright, tell us something about yourself that you haven't shared to anyone, including this blog, that you think is interesting and worthwhile.

 

This one is tough. I pride myself as an open book, so all that I can think of right now are things that I've already shared with someone. So let me just share that very few people knows about me - I've been studying how to play a violin. It's both hard and expensive but whenever I see JunCurryAhn, I can't help but be inspired.

 

Violin huh? I thought you are not a musically inclined person?

 

I am not musically inclined but violin players are so hot. I mean, violins are so powerful and flexible that it seems all encompassing, it's transforming.

 

Wow. Alright. You like violins and violin players. Besides those two, what other things do you like?

 

Movies, TV series, Online games, Books, Board games, geeky stuff.

 

Describe your normal day.

 

I wake up, prep up, go to boyfie's house, if it's a workday, we'll go together since our offices are just near each other, if it's a rest day, we'll just hangout. Then go home, either play online games or read a book. Sleep. Repeat.

 

And since this post is already too long, this is the last question for now. Why write? Why blog? What do you get from doing it?

 

I write because I need to write. Writing is an outlet for me. Thoughts that I can't express or say, I write. It helps me cope. It allows me to be the person that I need to be. And I do it here because my handwriting sucks. As my grade school teacher once said "I don't write, I create art"

 

 

There we have it. Finally finished with a 'short' reintroduction. Until next time.

P360 - Day 003

'Unpublished, Unwritten'

"...there are words we mean to say, but we can not say, so we write them. but once written, we realize, they are not for public consumption, they are, your inner most thoughts, they are your soul, your heart. but what's written can never be undone, it can never be really erased. because even if we erase, edit, write over, or even delete what we've written, the paper will always remember. it will always hold its history silently, but it knows, because it is your soul that it held within its breaches. it is your heart that it felt. beating. bleeding. alive."

Trial and Effort

Ever since I started the "revival" of sort for this blog, I've been filled with ideas on what I wanted to post and share. There's some projects that I've been meaning to start for a few years now and I think this will be the best time to do so. Also, I've decided to have a "post of the day" on certain days of the week to have a certain "regularity". Not only will it be good to have a goal, but it's therapeutic as well.

 

Unfortunately, as much as I want to start it today, I will have to delay it for one more day. I've been bugged by a certain feeling, a certain emotion, that I just can't shrug. It's been bothering me for a couple of weeks now and I think writing it here, will somehow lessen the burden, if not completely remove it. So please, pardon the break on the happy lines, even for just today.

 

First of, I'm disappointed. For years, I've trained myself to be careful, to not to trust easy, and more importantly, to never expect anything. Expectation begets disappointments. And yet here I am, sitting in my desk, bored as fuck, thinking about nothing but how much disappointed I am at myself for trusting, for believing, for hoping, for expecting... I should have known better. That's why this line from one of Adele's song really gets in my nerve:

 

 

"...who would have known how, bittersweet this would taste..."

 

 

I do. I would have known. I should have known. I've been there way to many times. I'm so stupid to let my guard down.

 

And so I got hurt. Still hurting. Nursing my bruised ego like a little Chihuahua licking it's wound. And hurt, leads to anger. Anger that is both misplaced and unjust. Because I'm angry at those people that hurt me. I shouldn't be. I should be angry at myself. It was my fault to let them in. They just did what a normal, sane, individual does - hurt people. They're human and that's what they do. I just should have known better.

 

I know how can this be resolved. I know what I need so I can move on. But I don't want to do it. I'm scared. I'm afraid. I'm petrified. They had no idea that they hurt my feelings. How could they? I didn't tell them. I didn't share with them what irks me. They didn't know me. Because I didn't let them know me. But I did trust them. What a fool I've been. Trusting people who doesn't even want to know who I am.

 

 

I'm such an asshole.

 

 

 

"Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it."
--Judy Blume

Father's Day Blues

I don't have any kids or any people that I consider as my children so I'm definitely not a dad. I'm not a priest either so nobody calls me 'father'. But what I lack in certain aspects, I more than make up for in my appearance. Because even though I am not a literal 'daddy', I do look like one.

I guess it was inevitable. I am almost thirty three years old anyway. Most of my batch mates in college are now parents. All of my childhood friends are married, except for the one who's currently in a cruise as a waiter. He's a little 'special' so he doesn't count. Add to that that I am not good with kids. Probably because I do not like them.

Yes, I do not like kids. Don't get me wrong, I do get swooned just like any regular guy when I see a baby smile or hear them laugh. It's a feeling that I can't even compare to anything yet. However, I do not like to hear crying babies in a public area, or at home, or anywhere in particular. I do not like unruly kids. That's probably the reason why kids doesn't like me back. I don't care. As long as they stay away from me, I'm happy. But I digress.

Anyway, back to the topic. Yes, I am not a dad and probably will never be one. But I do look like a dad already. I have a 'dad bod' as people nowadays would like to call it. I also wear wire rimmed glasses that probably adds to the 'fatherly look'. That's why when someone asks my age, I always answer with a disclaimer - 'I'm 32 but I know I look like 42' and then smile at them.

Here's a funny story. This happened back in 2008 (I guess even then, I do look like an old guy!) I was at Krispy Kreme on a lazy Sunday, enjoying my hot cup of tea, while reading the morning papers, when suddenly, this crew gal came from nowhere, approached me, and said, "sir, happy father's day po!" and proceeded with giving me a free donut. I was surprised but just smiled and took the free desert (yes, I'm evil, I know). 

The following year, I went out for lunch with my childhood buddies at El Polo Loco in MegaMall. When we arrived, I barked my usual orders to my friends to secure a seat for us and to grab some utensils, then I went to the cashier to place our order. Yup, you guess that right! She told me I'll be getting half a chicken for free since it's father's day, and then greeted me with her smile. I smiled back and asked her how did she know. She told me that I was with my kids. MY KIDS! Fine, I'm the oldest in the group but I'm just two years their senior. I was aghast but of course, I took the free chicken. Payment for my bruised ego. LOL.

So there you have it. And to all the dads out there, who deserve to have a free donut or free half a chicken, thank  you, thank you, thank you!

Of Crossroads And Other Paths

"...Now I have come to the crossroads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard..."

- Lt. Col. Frank Slade, Scent of A Woman

 

 

I've been going through a lot lately. Don't ask me what about because I myself doesn't know what or why. All I know is that lately, I'm always tired, drained of energy, and some days, downright depressed. I've lost my appetite for both food and life. All I want to do is to lock myself in my room, day and night, waste away playing online games, until the day I die.

 

I've lost my motivation, my push, my will to live.

 

I'm merely existing. Almost flitting.

 

It could be depression. I don't know and I don't care. I just thought writing it here could somehow help. Or maybe this is just a call for attention that I think I deserve. Maybe.

 

I've been doing some thinking lately. Which is bad considering that I overthink everything. I oftentimes allow my mind to wander way far ahead. That's why I stopped thinking about many things for a long time. But having all this time that I have now that I have locked myself away from everyone, I can't help but think.

 

For the good part, I wanted to reinvent this blog. I have an idea of making it more light and fun. Though it will run contrary to what I feel usually, at least it won't be so heavy. I will try to inject humor to the tragedy that I will share. Again, someone that is not me. But it would be redundant if I write as who I really am in real life, someone who is boring, heavy to be with, full of drama individual. What's the use of having an online persona right? It's just it won't be me. It won't be me.

 

For the bad part, I've been thinking of breaking up with the love of my life, my current partner, my boyfriend, my one. I love him so much and it pains me to see him suffering because of me. Would he be hurt if I leave him, yes, he will be. At least I hope he will be. And then he'll move on. Compare that to being stuck with me through all this years, sucking up all his positive vibes and replacing it with my negative aura. Imagine living with a dementor as your partner. You'll be insane as all the prisoners in Azkaban. I don't want him to be insane. I want him to be happy. And I don't think I can do that anymore.

 

I'm on a crossroad of some sort. I know what path I must take. Will I take it? I don't know.  It seems to be too damn hard.

Of Views And Perspectives

Not too long ago, I met a guy named Trip. We we're both bloggers and in a committed relationship and we both wrote about our sexual exploits, the parallelism ended there. We have different approach when it comes to writing and life in general. He often points out that though our blog contents were the same, his is leaning more towards morality and guidance while mine tends to just be that, pure, raw, lust. To be honest, I never really saw the moral in his posts. But hey, that's his opinion so that's that.

 

As time goes by, I started calling him "Master Trip" just for the heck of it. Other bloggers joined in and he started calling me his "Apprentice". Though I didn't plan on anything more than a mere empty jest, I got to admit, I actually liked the idea of being an apprentice. And so begins our mentor / mentee relationship.

 

He thought me how to become cynical. He would disagree, of course. He doesn't like being tagged as someone who teaches cynicism but that's the truth. He also taught me that everything is relative, and as such, truth is relative. My truth may be different from his truth, and so on. Kind of mind bending shit but it works. He made sure that I remain critical about everything and anything. And that every story has more than one version. You may have heard the saying that there's three version? Your version, Their version, and The Truth. Trip has a different approach. There's actually nine - Yours, What you think theirs is, Theirs, What they think yours is, What we want people to know, What they want people to know, What people perceive, What people believe, and What people would like you to believe. He taught me all of this things without actually teaching them to me. He just showed me the way. And for that, I looked at him as my life coach.

 

He also share his views on relationships and his version of what cheating is. Views that I share and agree to up to this day. It's a very long story. Maybe I'll save that for another time. I have a different side of the story that I wanted to share today.

 

As my life coach, he became the person that I go to for everything that happened to my life. relationship issues, work problems, family feuds, everything. We will just sit in his couch, drinking beer, him listening and me talking. It's always been like that. I've learned a lot. He was not selfish with his experience and knowledge. Though looking back, and I just realized this a few days ago, that there was one topic that he never shared with me. His own problems.

 

Today, I'm wondering why. Recently I've been given the chance to be a mentor myself. And I started sharing my own problems with the kids that I'm trying to guide. In my mind, this is needed to appear more human and gain more trust. But it also opens myself to pain and sadness. I wonder, is that the reason why Trip never crossed that line with me...

 

We haven't talked for a long time. There was an incident that shattered our bond. I plan to reach out to him soon. ask him why he never shared his problems and struggles with me. because right now, I'm confused and I needed some answers. and he's the only one who can answer them.

Random Ramblings #4

I never wanted to fall in love again. I've been hurt too many times that I've decided that I will be growing old alone but never lonely. I will be a mentor for the young and the new. I will share with them both the scars and wrinkles of smiles of the past. So they may learn and live their lives according to what they want, making informed decisions as they grow old.

 

Funny how life turns out differently than what we want and plan. I'm in love with a great guy. He's more than I deserve. I love him more each day. Also, I've met great kids that I thought I could share my vast experience with, but they ended up teaching me instead. They showed me what it means to be happy. They taught me how to live life to the fullest.

 

But in life, there's always complications. There's always problems that can't be solve with brute force. Experience taught me that. I guess, that's something I can share with the kids someday. For now, I will just have to shoulder it on my own. I'm sure I'll come up with something that can ease, if not solve, the issues at hand. I'm good that way.

 

I do not know why I'm writing this. I just wanted to write. I know I'm a little frustrated right now. I know I'm feeling left out. I know I'm not at my best. But writing, here, now, it makes me feel good somehow. And so I write, even when there's nothing to write.

 

Just because I wanted to.

And So We Try

I'm taking a break, probably a sabbatical, from sharing sad stories of my past. I was told I was bringing everyone down. Before, when I write sad stories, people were happy because then can find life lessons in them. Now, it's just sad. And so I will stop.

 

I've been churning out posts day after day, quite recently. I do not know where the motivation came from but it's certainly helping in managing my anger issues. Writing relaxes me. It soothes my mind. And so I will write.

 

I wanted to write something funny. But from I've been told again and again, forcing yourself to be funny doesn't result to humor. For some reason, the people you're trying to impress with your sense of humor could tell that your jokes are forced. So try as I may, I'm not a funny guy. And so I won't force it.

 

I would like to believe that I'm good in writing something inspiring, albeit serious, articles. It doesn't attract much readership like the funny ones but to those that do read them, I hope that I can touch their lives with some of mine and in return, I could be touched by theirs through their comments and suggestions. An exchange of ideas and experience that transcend the boundaries of space and time. And so it shall.

 

I want to say that I aspire to live, not to exist. That I aspire to make a difference, not be a bystander. Or that I aspire to be someone, not no one. Maybe should say I aspire to achieve, not to fail. Or like everyone, I can say I aspire to be great. there's all good and noble aspirations. But in reality, all I aspire is to be a better version of myself. And so I hope.

 

I've experienced existing instead of living. I've experienced living too. Living is better. I've tried to make a difference, or so I hope I did. I've been a bystander too, but that didn't end well for me. I was someone before and now I'm no one. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. My achievements in this life were because of my not-so-few enormous failures. I just kept getting up. And when I do not want to get up anymore, someone comes along to pick me up. Thinking about them makes me teary eyed. All those hopes and chances and opportunities that they helped with and gave me. And so I'm thankful.

 

I've written so many times how I hate myself for who I am and what I've done. I've been ask countless times why I can't forgive myself and try to move on. I wish that I can. I wish that I could. But that's neither here nor there. Because right now, what's important, for me at least, is that even though I can't find a way to forgive myself or find absolution for my past sins, is that I learn from my mistakes and try not to repeat the horrible things I did before. Because my doing so, though we can't change who we are, we can influence those who came after us, how to really live and aspire.

 

And so we should try. Try to aspire to live. To live to make a difference. A difference that inspires. An inspiration to give it a try.

 

Because sometimes, trying, makes all the difference.

The Dark Ages

Iba talaga nagagawa ng sobrang free time, lalo na sa work. Nakatungaga sa harapan ng computer, nagpapatay ng oras. Sobrang sayang sa talento ang trabaho ko ngayon pero magaan at maluwag ang mga Gawain. Kaya kahit wala pa sa kalahati ng sinasahod ko dati ang kinikita ko buwanan, pwede na. Ang importante lang naman sa akin, may hanapbuhay akong matatawag at may pera akong naiuuwi sa bahay. Nakaktawag. Parang wala akong pangarap sa buhay kung titingnan ang buhay ko ngayon. Marahil dahil naranasan ko na halos lahat ng gusto ko maranasan. Halos lahat. May iilan pa siguro akong gusto maranas bago ako pumanaw. Pero yung mga yun ay mga pawang luho na lamang. Kaya siguro hindi ko na din sila iniisip masyado.

 

Gusto ko umakyat ulit ng bundok. Medyo matagal tagal na din ng huli akong nakaakyat. Hindi na masyado kaya ng katawan ko ngayon. Marami ng iniinda. Gusto ko tumakbo ulit sa marathon. Pero kagaya ng una, hindi na din kaya. Gusto ko maranasan ang sky diving. Masyadong mahal at sobrang luho na sya sa buhay kaya hindi ko na lang iniisip. Gusto ko din subukan ang gun range at archery range. Pero kagaya ng sky diving, sobrang luho ang tingin ko sa kanila kaya tama ng manatili silang pangarap.

 

Naalala ko bigla yung panahon na kaya ko gawin lahat ng gusto ko. May sobra sobra akong pera at lakas ng katawan para gawin ang gusto ko. Sa sobrang tiwala ko sa sarili at sa katigasan ng ulo ko, pinagpilitan kong gawin ang mga gusto kong gawin kesa sa mga kailangan kong gawin. Nalulong ako sa sugal at sa panglalalake. Hangang sa naubos lahat. Hangang sa nawalang lahat. Nasa isip ko noon, madali lang kumita ng pera at dapat habang bata, magpakasaya ako. Hindi ko naisip na dapat pala, habang bata, dapat mag impok ako. Para pagtanda, doon ako mageenjoy. Dahil pagtanda, doon ako maraming oras. Sabi nga nila, nasa huli ang pagsisisi.

 

Pagsisisi. Ah, yan siguro ang dahilan kung bakit hangang ngayon hindi ko mapatawad sarili ko sa mga kasalanan nagawa ko sa ibang tao. Yung mga kasalanan ko kasi sa sarili ko hindi ko na iniisip. Pero yung sakit na nagawa ko sa iba, yun siguro ang hinding hindi ko kayang bigyan patawad ang sarili ko. Biruin mo, tumagal ang relasyon ko noon sa ka-live in ko ng mahigit tatlong taon na umaasa lang ako sa kanya. Sya ang bumubuhay sa aming dalawa. Alam kong nahihirapan na sya, alam kong nasasaktan na sya, pero wala akong ginawa. Ilang beses nya ko binigyan ng pagkakataon para bumangon pero binalewala ko lang lahat. Nagpalipat lipat akong trabaho kasi gusto ko "big time" ako ulit agad-agad. Pero ang pinakamasakit na ginawa ko sa kanya, alam kong hindi ko na sya mahal pero pinatagal ko ang relasyon namin. Masyado na kasi akong naging kumportable na kasama sya sa buhay na hindi ko na inisip ang sarili nyang kaligayahan. Iniisip ko na lang noon, maligaya naman sya sa akin kaya ayos na yun. Alam kong niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko pero parang mas mabuti na yun kesa iwan sya at lalong mawalan ako ng tutulong sa akin.

 

Bukod sa kanya, ilang kaibigan din ang niloko ko. Isa sa kanila ang kaibigan kong blogger na taga Saudi. Naikwento ko sa kanya ang problema namin sa pera ng kinakasama ko noon. Nagpasya syang tumulong dahil mukha naman daw akong mabuting tao. Kahit masakit sa loob ko, tinangap ko ang paunang tulong nya. Pero ng maubos ko yun sa sugal, kung ano anong dahilan ang inimbento ko para lang makahu ng pera sa kanya. Halos buwan buwan nagpapadala sya ng pera sa akin. At tuwing magpapadala sya, pinapatalo ko lang sa sugal. Puro ako pangako sa sarili ko at sa kanya na babayaran ko sya, na may inaantay lang akong "deal" na matapos at magkakapera ako ng malaki. Alam ko naman na pangloloko yun pero tinuloy tuloy ko lang. Nasa isip ko noon, kung mananalo ako ng malaki sa sugal, tapos lahat ng problema ko. Kaso, hindi nangyari. Huli na ng matangap ko na talagang walang nananalo sa sugal. Umabot sa mahigit tatlong daang libo ang nakuha ko sa kanya na sana'y pampagawa nya ng bahay ng magulang nya. Napakawala kong kwentang tao. At kung tatanungin mo ngayon kung nakakabawas ba ako kahit paunti unti sa mga utang ko sa kanya? Syempre 'hindi' ang sagot ko. Hindi lang dahil ayaw na nya ko makausap at makita. Hindi ko din naman sya kayang bayaran sa ngayon kahit paunti unti. Dahil sa ngayon, yung ibang taong pinagkunan ko ng malaking halaga noon ang inuuna ko bayaran. Yan ay kung may natitira sa sinasahod ko pagkatapos ko gumastos ng parang walang utang.

 

Gusto ko bang magbago? Syempre gusto. Pero naniniwala kasi ako na walang taong tunay na nagbabago. Maari tayong magkunwari na nagbago, mag adjust, mag adopt, sa kung ano mang sitwasyon natin sa buhay, kagaya ng ginagawa ko araw-araw. Pero sa paglubog ng araw at sa pagharap natin sa salamin, alam natin na ang mukhang nakikita natin ay isang hayop, isang halimaw, na aksaya lang sa espasyo sa mundo at dapat ng mamatay. Siguro, kapag namatay ako, baka sakali, mabawasan ang galit ng mga taong nasaktan ko sa akin.

Of Dreams and Reality

A new born baby, touching a man's face for the first time, and knowing that that man is his father.

 

A kid, sitting alone in the corner, looking longingly out the window, watching the other kids play.

 

A young boy, playing by himself, while all the others are laughing and running, because no one wants to play with him.

 

A student, passing a project with just his name on it, his classmates jeering and pointing, saying crude words of selfishness and disgust.

 

A young man behind bars, determined not to show his fears to the big angry man that took his shoes away.

 

Fear. Loneliness. Dread. Anger. Grief.

 

A picture of a brain, glowing. A voice, saying a radioactive 7 isotope was the key to reveal our oldest memories.

 

 

I woke up drenched in sweat.

 

What a weird dream.

Choices

I always thought of myself as someone who knows what he needs to know. I guess that's the reason why I love that quote from the movie Scent of A Woman, immortalized by the great Al Pacino...

"Now I have come to the cross-roads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew, but I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard." - Lt. Col. Frank Slade

I don't know if I've written anything related to this quote before. I don't really care. Because right now, today, not yesterday, is what's important. Because today, I can finally write something again. Something that I thought I could never write again.

Choices. That's all it is. Everyday, we face choices that would either lead to our happiness or detriment. Choices that could harm others or keep them safe. Choices that once made, can never be undone. Choices. Life or death. Sickness or health. Choices.

People keep on saying that life is complicated. I disagree. It is not. Because at the end of the day, it all boils down into making choices. It's not even about making the right choice. There's really no right or wrong. There's only legal and illegal. All we have to do is choose.

I've made my choice a long time ago. A choice that led me to the path where I am right now. The path of suffering and pain. A path made of continuous peril. All because I chose to live "in the moment". I chose to do what I want and not what I needed.

 

While still in school, getting all As, I could have chosen the path of excellence. I could have chosen the right path - to stay in school and get my degree. The choice was in my hand. Literally and figuratively. I held the tuition fee money right there. But I decided to do what I wanted instead of what I need. I decided to live in the moment and be happy. Knowing full well that being happy then means suffering in the future. I already knew that but I just closed my eyes, said "fuck it" and soldier on.

 

For four years, I kept making the same decision over and over again. I could have stopped anytime and enroll but I didn't. Not that I couldn't but I just simply don't want to. Was it fear of ridicule or of something else? I don't think so. I was young and carefree without a fear in the world. All I know is that by the time they discover what I did, I'll be dead. I'll be gone. And the consequences of my action will be avoided.

 

But Life has something else for me. I was given jobs after jobs. Good, honest, well paying jobs. But I couldn't keep them. Whether it's because I decided to drown myself with bad vices or I just decided that I do not deserve such comfort. Honestly, I can't remember why I did it but I do know that I made a conscious decision that will put my job in jeopardy. And the people I worked with gave me countless attempts to redemption. I could have done it. I could have straighten up and become successful as they are now. Maybe it won't hurt that much when I see their success in FB. But I just laughed inside and continued what I was doing wrong. What a waste of talent and oxygen. I should have died when I was young.

 

As if giving me jobs to pick myself up out of the ditch that I dug myself in is not enough, I was also given friends that will help and support me. Great friends that to this day, are baffled at how I could have screwed up something so solid. That, and how I managed to deplete their bank accounts by continuously asking them for financial aid. I comforted myself that by naming them as beneficiary to my life insurance, I could somehow repay them. But I know better. I'm screwing them over for trusting me. I'm destroying the only thing that I have left. Reputation and trust. Well, at least the façade that I created that people adored. What a shame.

 

I was also not lacking in the love department. I have loved and been loved. They say that was the greatest achievement of all. You know what's  the worst achievement? It's not taking the love and shitting on it while destroying their names and reputation. It's not making the person you love cry. Nor is it making promises after promises while knowing full well that you won't be able to keep them. The worst achievement is not dying in spite knowing that you'll just hurt everyone you love with every breath you take.

 

I hate myself. I loathe the person I see in the mirror everyday. I want to kill the beast before it could hurt other people. Because for people like me, who've made their own bed of nails, there's no more redemption. I've given up hope.

 

Then I met this kid. He's a good kid. He thinks he knows everything. Which makes me laugh sometimes. I see a young me. Innocent and full of hope. But he's in the crossroads too. I could nudge him to the right path or could just sit and wait for him to follow on my footsteps. Because who am I to stop people from making the same mistakes I did? Who am I to say anything? I am no one. I am nothing.

 

"...Now here's Charlie. He's come to the cross-roads. He has chosen a path. It's the right path. It's a path made of principle that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey." - Lt. Col. Frank Slade

 

 

Kiddo, I know you'll read this. You don't see it yet but your going the same way I am. I might look like a good future, but trust me, it's not. I'm not.

 

 

"If I wanted you to be like me, I would be urging you to make a stupid, stubborn decision that blows up your life and leaves you lonely and miserable." - Gregory House, MD

 

"Life is pain! I wake up every morning, I'm in pain! I go to work in pain! Do you know how many times I wanted to just give up?! How many times I thought about ending it?!" - Gregory House, MD

 

Conversation Conversion

 

Hi. It's been a while. How are you?

 

Haller! Kebs lang ang peg. Witchikels nasightsung ang fabulosang nyolikula ni fafa Paul pero keribels lang teh.

 

Huh?

 

Ay, bobo ka teh? Di marunong umintindi ng tagalog?

 

Uhm, yeah... OK. So how's your lovelife?

 

Boom! Lovelife agad ang tanong? May poot at pagiimbot? Wit ng itanong ang ganyang mga bagelya wirishima naman may pangyayari! Kakaimbei ka teh.

 

Alright, no lovelife, how about sex life?

 

Wit lang may ganap waley na lablayf? Assuming lang? Nagmamaasim?

 

No, no. I mean, I was just asking...

 

No, no mo puke mong green! hauff to. Oo nga, akez na ang katuyot tuyotan to the highest bitak bitak level kasi walang dilig pero pero pero, I hab a lablayf haller!!!

 

So, you have someone but you don't engage in coitus with him?

 

Aray ko, nosebleed ka teh. anong koytus koytus pinagsasabi mo? baka gusto mong koytusan kita dyan.

 

Coitus is sex

 

Weh di spluk mo ganun. Sex. Sex. Kangkangan. Iyutan. Diligan. Sex. Sex. Sey eyt. Sex.

 

Sex.

 

Ayan. Ganern. Pero waley sex teh. At bago mo pa itanong kung may love making kami ni labidabs, waley din. Kaya lagi akong imbernadette sebrano. Namputchang lablayf to, walang perks!

 

Ah so you call him that? Labidabs?

 

Yesterday! May tama ka!

 

Alright, moving on. What are you doing here?

 

Ayan tayo eh, may poot na naman. Kulang ka sa sex teh. Divekels pweds na anditech akiz kasi miss kita?

 

No.

 

Tarush! Plang! Pak! Ikaw na ang kabanal banalan. Anywei, gokungwei, nanditey akiz kasi may I announce ang lolo mo ng pagbubukas ng parlor kez. Yiz! Dizizit pancit! Ang pangarap na parlor kez, nanditey na! Ohdavah! Ang tarush lang?!

 

You have a parlor?

 

Ay, teh, pogi ka nga bobo ka naman, bingi pa. Kakaspluk ko lang teh. may parlor akeiz. Linis linis din ng tutule pag may time.

 

What made you decide to open a parlor?

 

Ganitey yan teh, makinig kasi wit ko na itey uulitin. I remember yesterday, the world was still young, uso pa nun ang Cerelac at United American Tiki Tiki. Panahon itey ng pagdadalaga ng mga boyband, at ang internet ay prepaid pa na 56kbps ang bilis. Ganitembang ang panahon, makulimlim, kumikidlat. Ng biglang kumulog, umulan, at nagbukas ang parlor ni Wanda, ang aking propesora sa kagandahan. Kakalungkot kasi wit na bukas ang parlor ni kuya. Kaya naisip kez na bakit sya lang? bakit hindi din akiz? Keri ko ba magspread ng kagandahan? Feelingera akiz kaya yiz ang sagot ko dyan. Kaya, heto akiz, standing in front of a boy, asking him to... to... huy! Bumalik ka dito! Di pa ko tapos magkwento!

Wondering About Wandering

disclaimer - this is another sad story. if you are not in the mood for another self-pity-slash-drama-queen-slash-poor-me kind of story, change blog now. but if you are, I promise that this story is more heart and soul than anything I've ever written.

I was channeling surfing when I happened to see ANC's Mukha. The episode tonight, as it turns out, is about a has been actor that's now living in the streets. I do not know him nor I have seen any of his works but he does look familiar. As it turns out, he used to be someone before. Someone who was given great talent and tremendous amount of opportunity that he squandered away when he got involved with drugs. Oh how the mighty has fallen!

Nalungkot ako sa napanuod ko. Hindi dahil naawa ako sa kanya dahil palaboy na sya ngayon, kung hindi dahil sa nasa salamin ng istorya ng buhay nya ang buhay ko. Parang nakita ko na kung anong mangyayari sa akin in the future.

Gusto kong maniwala na kagaya nya, talented din ako. Hindi sa pag arte pero sa dunong at pananalita. Kagaya nya, napansin ng tao kung ano ang kaya kong gawin kaya kung ano anong suporta at opportunity ang binigay sa akin. Pero kagaya din nya, hindi ko pinahalagahan ang mga bagay bagay. Hindi namin parehas ginalang ang oras at panahon. Parehas namin inakala na kung anong meron kami nung panahon na yon ay patuloy lang na dadaloy. How wrong we were.

I used to be big. I was on my way to the top. I was living the good life. I have a car, a condo, a loving boyfriend, my family was taken cared of, and I was doing what I wanted to do and was earning as much as I needed to. Yet I let it all slipped through my hands because of my naivety and stupidity. 

Kagaya ng subject sa episode na pinapanuod ko, nalulong din ako sa masamang bisyo. Sya sa illegal drugs, ako naman sa sugal...

(I never thought how much painful it is to write about this thing. I haven't uttered or shared it with anyone. I always kept it in my heart as a reminder of the things I squandered and the hearts that I broke.)

Dahil sa sugal, napabayaan ko ang trabaho ko hangang sa dumating ang panahon na natangal ako. Nagsimula kaming mag away ng ka live in partner ko tungkol sa pera dahil naubos ko ang savings namin. Nalubog ako sa utang at nung hindi na ako makautang sa pangalan ko, ginamit ko naman ang pangalan nya. Naubos ang kung ano mang pag ibig at respeto ang meron sya para sa akin. Pero nung nabawi ang kotse namin dahil hindi na kami makapagbayad sa bangko ng utang dahil sya lang ang nagtatrabaho sa aming dalawa, dun na nya na pagtanto na palayasin ako sa condo na aming tinitirhan.

Wala akong bahay, wala akong trabaho, wala akong pera. Hindi ako makauwi sa pamilya ko sa sobrang hiya. Dumating sa punto na kung saan saan ako natutulog mailipas lang ang gabi. Kung sino sinong kaibigan ang nilapitan ko sa araw araw para lang makakain. Hangang isang araw, wala ng gustong tumulong, wala ng gustong kumalinga. Dahil pati mga kaibigan ko, niloko ko. Napakawalang kwenta kong tao.

Just like the guy being featured on the show, I also knew what was wrong with me. I knew why everything happened and how it can be best avoided. Sabi ko nga, matalino ako. Kaya alam ko kung ano ang mga nagawa kong mali at ano ang mga dapat kong gawin. Ang problema, wala akong ginagawa. 

With all my talents and intelligence hindi ko alam bakit wala akong ginawa para baguhin at ayusin ang buhay ko. Pinabayaan ko na lang lahat. Para akong audience na walang magawa kung hindi panuorin na lang ang palabas at hayaang tumakbo ang istorya kung saan man ito patungo. Hindi ko alam bakit. Ive been asking myself that question for the past 10 years.

Today, I still live with my parents. I have a new boyfriend now. I'm slowly getting back on my feet. Yet for the love of everything that's good, I can't seem to keep a job. I just got fired from my previous company and now I'm living like a bum. I will be joining a new company next month but that means that I will be relying heavily on my current boyfriend to help me financially. Why did I get fire you might ask. Well, let's just say, history does repeat itself.

It's Been A While

I visit this blog almost everyday yet for all the time that I have, I can't seem to put pen to paper, so to speak. So today, being a weekend and I'm stuck in the office, I finally have the motivation to write something and share my thoughts again - it's just I don't know how and where to begin, which just reminded me of something I heard in one of those countless movies I've seen...

"...always begin your story at the beginning"

and so I shall.

I wanted to write about all those movies I've seen in the past few months. There's been some great ones and those that I really don't know why I watched it in the first place. I just didn't get around to writing any "reviews" about them. Not for lack of trying though. I just lack inspiration.

When the news broke out about the pork barrel scams and scums, I was sure that I have enough mojo to write something here. Surely my political views that's verging to racism is something I've always wanted to share. Alas, no post was made.

When I gave in to that one vanity that I have, I was sure as hell that I would write about it. Yet nothing. All those time I sat in front of my computer ended in a staring match between my blinking cursor and I. 

When Glenda passed by and people where going gaga over how strong it was compared to all those past weather disasters, I was sure I would write something to correct them and point out that it was nothing compared to what I have seen. Yet it was another staring competition that I can't seem to win.

When I got a new laptop, I said to myself, surely, this time, at the luxury of my own room, I would be able to write something. But those dastardly addicting FB games got in the way. GoT Ascent anyone? Sheez.

And now we circle back to this. Another lame post for a lame blog from  a lame blogger. What a pity.

But hey, I have a boyfriend but we haven't had sex for more than 5 months, now that's indeed been a while.

Pabling

I usually write in English. It's the written language that I am more comfortable in expressing myself but for the purpose of this entry, I will write in the vernacular to impress the needed emotion and the gravity of the message.

Marami na akong nakarelasyon. Bata pa lang ako, marami na akong napaiyak na tao. Nagsimula lahat sa una kong "gelpren" nung elementary ako. Highschool sya, grade six ako. Sya ang first kiss ko. Kabata-bata ko nung lumandi ako. Pero ano nga bang alam natin noon di ba? Basta ang alam ko, masaya ako kasi meron ako na wala ang mga kaklase ko. Tumagal ang relasyon namin ng mga tatlong lingo. Ang tagal na nun para sa isang bata kaya halos isang buong araw akong hindi nakakain. Tandang tanda ko pa yun. Bata pa lang ako drama king na ako.

Simula noon, nagpapalit palit na ako ng gelpren. Maraming babae na umiyak, nagalit, at nasaktan. Sino ba naman kasi ang matutuwa kapag nalaman mo na ang boyfriend mo pa lang tutoy pa ay pinagsabaysabay kayong tatlo na magbabarkada. Pogi ko din noh? 

 Highschool ako noon ng magsimula akong makipaglaspagan sa mga babae. Isa sa umaga, isa sa tangali, isa sa gabi. Hayok na hayok lang ako sa laman. Ang sarap kasi. Kakaiba ang feeling. At syempre, dahil panahon pa ni mahoma at kopong kopong, walang kapo-kapote ito. Bira ng bira, tira ng tira, sarap na sarap. Kapal ng mukha, lakas ng loob. Boom!

Tumigil ang lahat nung tumungtong ako ng kolehiyo. Paano ba naman, delay ng dalawang lingo si gelpren! Katakot ampupu. Ang alam ko ako ang hari ng sablay eh bakit ganun bakit parang nasapol ngayon? Hindi ko alam gagawin ko nun kasi hindi pa ko handa maging tatay. Sarili ko nga hindi ko maayos magdadala pa ako ng bata sa mundong ibabaw? Anakampusangalangwalangkilay! Ayaw, ayaw, ayaw.

Nadala ako dahil dun. Kaya sa buong taon ko sa kolehiyo, birhen ako ulit. Wala munang babae. Wala munang putahe. Aral muna. Good boy muna ako. Sarap buhay. Galing galing. Dami ko naipon. Walang magastos na gelpren na kailangan regaluhan at dalin sa motmot.

Nakapagtapos naman ako ng wala pang panganay. Pero dahil malaya na ako, naisip ko ng bumalik sa buhay pabling. Pero pero pero dahil nagpaka alive alive ako, kinalawang na ata kukote ko. Isa na akong naglalakad na torpe. Depress-depress-an ako. Araw araw inom. Hangang sa natsambahan ng isang barkada ko. Sarap ng inuman, parehong nalasing, may gumapang, may nagpagapang.

Dahil sa nangyari, nagbago ang pananaw ko sa buhay. Napaisip ako ng matindi at dahil bawal ako nagiisip, may kung anong butete na gumalaw sa utak ko. Bakit nga ba hindi ko pasukin ang mundo na hindi ko pinasok noon? Wala naman mawawala kung susubukan. Marami na akong matutunan, mageenjoy pa ako. Kaya ako'y tumalon, tumakbo, kumadirit, nag split, sabay kindat sa mundong aking ginagalawan ngayon. At dahil totoo ang kasabihang "History Repeats Itself" ako'y bumalik sa buhay pabling. Sa buhay "tres" - isang tao sa umaga, isa sa hapon, at isa sa gabi.

Suma total, naka tatlong gelpren ako pero hindi ko na mabilang kung ilan ang naging pampalipas oras at init lang. Sa kabilang dako ng bahaghari naman, nasa pang apat na ako na boypren. Hindi ko na din mabilang kung ilan ang nakahati ko sa magdamag. Sama mo na din sa umaga, tangahali, at hapon. Nakakapagod pero marami akong natutunan. Marami akong nalaman. Kaya ko na siguro sabihin na alam ko na kung anong dapat at hindi dapat gawin para maging "successful" ang relasyon ko. Yun nga lang, panahon lang ang magpapatunay.