Writing is hard. This is the fifth draft that I made tonight. I deleted the first four because I hate the fact that they contain nothing but blah, blah, blah, me, me, me.
When I write, or at least try to write, I follow the "Forrester Way" of writing that I got from the movie Finding Forrester.
"No thinking - that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart.
You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is... to write, not to think!"
- William Forrester -
And so I hack and peck the keyboard, typing continuously, letting the information flow. Then come back, read the draft from top to bottom, and relentlessly correct and edit each part. Tiring work but it's very effective.
Today, I will stray from that path and just say what I want to write about. Instead of writing stories and try to relate it in some convoluted way to what point I'm trying to get across, as if to appear mysterious and knowledgeable, I will say it plain and simple. I want to write why I am not a happy person.
I am not happy because I choose not to be happy. Like everything in this world, being happy is also a choice. I just choose not to be. Don't I think I deserve to be happy? I have to admit, there are those days that I thought I should be... that I could. Only to realize that I mustn't. Someone like me doesn't deserve to be happy. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to be miserable. I deserve to die.
But of course, nobody wants to be around all that negativity. Couple that with my need for human interaction from time to time, I've learned to put on a mask. A façade, if you will. I became someone else. Someone optimistic and with a sense of humor. Someone who laughs and has a smiling eyes. Someone who I taught people would like. Pathetic little me.
Now don't get me wrong. I do not write these things to get self pity. Take your pity and give it to someone else worth it. I do not need pity. I do not want it. But I do need some answers...
Writing these words made me wonder. Why, after more than 20 years of putting on the mask, did I decide to "out" myself? Why did I leave myself vulnerable and allowed people to glean the person behind the mask? I do not know the answers. First, I thought it was because I was being careless. Then I thought my mask is full of cranks and chinks that people are seeing through it already so there's no use to hide behind it. I really don't know. All I know is that lately, I've open up myself to this blog and to a few people. Very uncharacteristic of me. I shared too much information about myself in the last month than I shared in the last two years. What's happening to me?
Well, sometimes we do things we thought we are not capable of doing. Your instinct and habits are telling you the usual thing to do—to put on a mask and don't let anyone in—but your inner consciousness is telling you otherwise, because that is what you really need now, and not by hiding yourself again.
ReplyDeleteThe things we do that surprises us are usually what we really want deep down inside.
hat we want may not be what we need but we're oftentimes confused that what we want is what we need.
Deletewe may not even know what we want, just what we need. or vice versa.
and in our effort to get what we want/need, we may be getting what we want/need, or worse, do the exact opposite of what we're trying to achieve.