A Poem For The Ages

 

I miss the days when I was young. Inspired and ambitious. I wanted to change the world.

 

I miss the days when I was innocent and naïve. Unyielding, uncompromising. I stood for what I believe in.

 

I miss the days when I was stronger. Agile and functional. I went to all the places that I wanted to go.

 

I miss the days when I was a man. Able to stand for my own, accepting my responsibility with pride.

 

I miss the days when I was me. Shy and curious. Willing to learn and to try but to timid to move.

 

I miss the days when I was with him. When it was all smiles and laughter. It was one the days that I can say I was happy. Those days are rare.

 

I miss the time when I was able to make him smile. The sound of his laughter and the way his eyes disappears every single time. It was an achievement of the highest order.

 

I miss the days when we fought or argued. Feelings were hurt but the honesty and love was there. It was one of those rare days that I could say, I was at least honest with myself.

 

But most of all, I miss him. I miss his face, I miss his touch. I miss his kiss, I miss his hugs. I miss voice, I miss his mind. I miss his warmth, I miss his joy. I miss him so bad it hurts...

KMN

I haven't written anything for a while. I mean to write but I just can't put pen to paper the way I used to be. And it's because I didn't want to write to begin with. I was under the impression that if I didn't write, then it'll just be inside me, and soon, it'll die a natural death. But the longer it goes, the more it corrupts everything in me. And I'm afraid that if I didn't do anything about it now, I won't be able to recognize myself the next morning.

 

I made a mistake of trusting myself.

 

I've been in this world for more than three decades and I've seen a lot of things growing up. I even experienced most of those things. That's why I was pretty confident that I know everything there is to expect, and in hindsight, I did know. It's just that even though I knew what would happened, I still took the risk. I still gambled. And it resulted in something that I thought is no longer possible.

 

I hate myself more than I could possibly hate myself for.

 

Who would have thought that someone as cynical, pathetic, pragmatic, pessimistic, and downright wasted as I am, that I could hope for something better for myself. I actually believed that there's a rainbow after this shitty storm that's currently drenching my life. I actually believed. I actually hoped. I actually saw redemption.

 

Then I fell... hard.

 

It's nobody else's fault but myself. I allowed myself to feel something that I shouldn't in the first place. I opened myself up and brought down my walls. I showed my true self. And in return, I actually thought that I was doing the right thing. And no, I didn't do all of that because I already felt what I felt. No. I did that because I thought it was the right thing to do. Apparently, I was wrong. Because in doing so, I felt something.

 

Goodbye is never easy.

 

I had to pull myself up. I had to turn my back away. I had to do something, anything, to avoid anymore pain. I could endure hurting myself, both physically, emotionally, and mentally, but I could never forgive myself for hurting the people that I care about. And so I have to leave. I had to say my goodbyes. Because staying will only mean hurting them. Yes, I know, leaving could hurt them, too. But the pain is lesser compared to my staying. Because I know myself. I'm an evil person. And I will not stop to get what I want as long as I am around. So I have to leave. I have to go.

 

Redemption is not what I'm after.

 

It might sounded as a good deed, me leaving. Maybe good for the people involved but definitely not for myself. Because this here, leaving, it's killing me. Slowly, painfully. And something inside me dies in every passing second. When the clock strikes twelve, there will be nothing inside me anymore. Nothing to redeem. Nothing to live.

 

 

 

I fell hard.

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Now it's time to get up.

P360 - Day 005

'Sundate'

It's always been one of my dreams to have a lazy Sunday with boyfie. Just lounging in a sofa, munching on sandwiches we made, while watching TV. Who would've known that one of those three would happen today?! We made sandwiches together!

Yay!

Now, if we could just find a place were we can lounge in safety and discreetly, that will be awesome!

P360 - Day 004

'Love WIns'

Earlier today, it was a momentous event for our brothers and sisters in the United States of America. The Supreme Court of their land declared that banning same sex marriage is illegal and unconstitutional, thereby saying that anyone, straight, gay, lesbian, anyone can be married. Because marriage is not about procreation, it's about love.

There's a case filed in our very own Supreme Court asking it to declare our country's Family Code, the very same code that declares marriage is only between a man and a woman, for the interest of procreation, as illegal and unconstitutional. If this happens, then it will open up the field for sweeping changes in favor of the LGBT community that until now, is asking our government to pass a law that criminalize discrimination against us. Currently, there's no law that protects us. Just morals and common respect.

The fight is far from over, but we are making strides.  Ultimately, everyone knows, love always win.

Trial and Effort

Ever since I started the "revival" of sort for this blog, I've been filled with ideas on what I wanted to post and share. There's some projects that I've been meaning to start for a few years now and I think this will be the best time to do so. Also, I've decided to have a "post of the day" on certain days of the week to have a certain "regularity". Not only will it be good to have a goal, but it's therapeutic as well.

 

Unfortunately, as much as I want to start it today, I will have to delay it for one more day. I've been bugged by a certain feeling, a certain emotion, that I just can't shrug. It's been bothering me for a couple of weeks now and I think writing it here, will somehow lessen the burden, if not completely remove it. So please, pardon the break on the happy lines, even for just today.

 

First of, I'm disappointed. For years, I've trained myself to be careful, to not to trust easy, and more importantly, to never expect anything. Expectation begets disappointments. And yet here I am, sitting in my desk, bored as fuck, thinking about nothing but how much disappointed I am at myself for trusting, for believing, for hoping, for expecting... I should have known better. That's why this line from one of Adele's song really gets in my nerve:

 

 

"...who would have known how, bittersweet this would taste..."

 

 

I do. I would have known. I should have known. I've been there way to many times. I'm so stupid to let my guard down.

 

And so I got hurt. Still hurting. Nursing my bruised ego like a little Chihuahua licking it's wound. And hurt, leads to anger. Anger that is both misplaced and unjust. Because I'm angry at those people that hurt me. I shouldn't be. I should be angry at myself. It was my fault to let them in. They just did what a normal, sane, individual does - hurt people. They're human and that's what they do. I just should have known better.

 

I know how can this be resolved. I know what I need so I can move on. But I don't want to do it. I'm scared. I'm afraid. I'm petrified. They had no idea that they hurt my feelings. How could they? I didn't tell them. I didn't share with them what irks me. They didn't know me. Because I didn't let them know me. But I did trust them. What a fool I've been. Trusting people who doesn't even want to know who I am.

 

 

I'm such an asshole.

 

 

 

"Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it."
--Judy Blume

Of Crossroads And Other Paths

"...Now I have come to the crossroads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard..."

- Lt. Col. Frank Slade, Scent of A Woman

 

 

I've been going through a lot lately. Don't ask me what about because I myself doesn't know what or why. All I know is that lately, I'm always tired, drained of energy, and some days, downright depressed. I've lost my appetite for both food and life. All I want to do is to lock myself in my room, day and night, waste away playing online games, until the day I die.

 

I've lost my motivation, my push, my will to live.

 

I'm merely existing. Almost flitting.

 

It could be depression. I don't know and I don't care. I just thought writing it here could somehow help. Or maybe this is just a call for attention that I think I deserve. Maybe.

 

I've been doing some thinking lately. Which is bad considering that I overthink everything. I oftentimes allow my mind to wander way far ahead. That's why I stopped thinking about many things for a long time. But having all this time that I have now that I have locked myself away from everyone, I can't help but think.

 

For the good part, I wanted to reinvent this blog. I have an idea of making it more light and fun. Though it will run contrary to what I feel usually, at least it won't be so heavy. I will try to inject humor to the tragedy that I will share. Again, someone that is not me. But it would be redundant if I write as who I really am in real life, someone who is boring, heavy to be with, full of drama individual. What's the use of having an online persona right? It's just it won't be me. It won't be me.

 

For the bad part, I've been thinking of breaking up with the love of my life, my current partner, my boyfriend, my one. I love him so much and it pains me to see him suffering because of me. Would he be hurt if I leave him, yes, he will be. At least I hope he will be. And then he'll move on. Compare that to being stuck with me through all this years, sucking up all his positive vibes and replacing it with my negative aura. Imagine living with a dementor as your partner. You'll be insane as all the prisoners in Azkaban. I don't want him to be insane. I want him to be happy. And I don't think I can do that anymore.

 

I'm on a crossroad of some sort. I know what path I must take. Will I take it? I don't know.  It seems to be too damn hard.

Hence, I write

I have issues. There are those that seems cute at times, and there are those that really needs help. I think I've listed them all down somewhere but to be honest, I'm sure there are a lot more issues and quirks in me that I myself do not know.

 

Hence, I try to avoid people. For one, I do not think that they will like me. I don't like me. I think it's just fair that I should not like them, too.  Another thing is I've been hurt countless times. Who isn't right? So I have this feeling of justice and righteousness to stray from people. It's called self preservation.

 

There are more reasons that I can think of that I will not write here. There's no use. Because in the end, no matter how much I hate them, I always go back to reality: "I'm human and I need my fellow humans."

 

I've tried being friendly. It doesn't suit me. I'm a boring guy. I don't make people laugh. And people who can't make people laugh are boring people. At least to most people. Because for me, funny people are entertaining, yes, but while they're making you laugh. What interest me more are those people that can make me think. People that can make me use my imagination. Someone that can make me say "why didn't I think of that?"

 

I've tried limiting my human interaction to a bare minimum. Talk when spoken to. Smile when needed. Shake hands when offered. Keep your head down. But being a talkative shit like me, I can't contain myself sometimes. Especially when I hear people say the wrong stuff. I'm such a know it all. Another thing why people hate being around me.

 

Hence, I stayed away from physical contact whenever I can. Thanks to the world wide web, I can quench my desire for human interaction to blogs, forums, and chats. The development of social media was a great milestone for people like me. I can see all their pictures and videos without languishing from all their tales, fishing for self approval (as if I am not like that hahaha). But be that as it may, I still end up longing for physical human contact. I'm gay that way.

 

Which finally brings me to my point (boy, these days, my introductions are too long!).

 

I mentioned before that besides blogging, I've joined a forum called Pinoy Exchange or PEX for short. There's a thread for the LGBT community that I just learned about quite recently. There's tons of information there that I gobbled up. I even saw a group in my area of employment that seems friendly enough. Though I'm happy enough to engage these people online, their increasing desires to do a group meet up captured my attention. For all their plans and desires, they can't seem to make one happen. It irritates me to no end. I mean, how hard could that be? So I set forth and make one happen. Much to my surprise, it was indeed hard. But after seeing their faces for the first time, all the effort and hard work were rewarded. Not that they are cute or anything. But they are a diverse group of people. And diversity always means information. I love information.

 

The meet ups became habitual. People from other groups mimicked what we did and were successful. I'm happy for them. But the fun of doing something that seems undoable faded. And the information the forum provided dried up. What's left are relationships that were founded during the meet ups. Friendships. Trust. People.

 

I got scared. I'm getting too attached. Pain from previous encounters hunts my dreams. Needless to say, I left without saying another word. Better to sever the thread that binds myself to these people before they can hurt me. It's painful and hateful. It's selfish and unfair. But my fear is real and the potential pain is just too much risk for me to continue.

 

So I stepped back. But those that I met and grew fond of, created a mobile group where we can all chat away from PEX. As usual, I'm part of it. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I no longer wish to be part of their family. Better that I just fade away without people noticing. That way, no goodbyes are needed. (reading this part made me realize that I think too highly of myself. As if the people in the group would actually care if I leave.)

 

I thought I made it in time. I thought I was able to cut the chains before I was in too deep. But I was wrong. I'm already drowning without knowing it. Because the pain that I was afraid of, it's real and it's here.

 

 

 

"it's nice to be needed until you are not. then you are cast aside, left in the corner, gathering dust."

- Toy Story 3

I'm Rare, I'm First, I'm Fucked

Ever heard of the Fermi Paradox? If you haven't, click here because you should!

 

I will not discuss what the Fermi Paradox is. The article in the link here is very well written and should be sufficient enough for anyone to understand what it is.

 

Now on with the program.

 

 

When I was a kid I used to think that I'm a unique and special individual. My parents and teachers said so. We have our own individuality and there's a special place in our society that only I can fill. What a noble notion. If only it were true. Like the great Tyler Durden said: "...You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else." - Now that's the truth. The sooner we accept that, the sooner we will find satisfaction to our existence.

 

Growing up as the first child, I have this notion that I will be the first to everything that my parents can offer. Apparently, that was wrong too. I was born to parents that are generous to a fault - giving everything away without thinking of themselves or  little ole me. But that was neither here nor there. When I got a little brother, they dole on him too much for my liking that I, like every little first born jerks, got jealous and hated my parents for it. Of course I'd blame my parents. Why I would blame myself or my little brother? Who can blame that poor innocent soul? Just one look in his eyes and you know he won't do anything bad. Yeah, I'm good that way.

 

Fast forward to today. Now that I'm old and understood people more, I've learned that I will be first to some, last for most. It will all be depending on their needs and wants, as well as, how good they are in prioritizing. Meaning, you're their number one because you're in front of them. That's a very good way to bullshit people. I know. I do that, too. Makes them feel important. Valued. Does that make me an asshole or a good person? I have no idea, and at this point, I just don't care.

 

Being in a relationship with someone, somewhat give you this feeling of being special, rare even, and that you're the number one priority. Until you realize that you are not special or rare or even the number one priority. It sucks big time. Yes, tantrums and fighting can help you cope with the idea that you should be at the top of the tier but after everything is said and done, we have to realize that this is an inevitable truth. Because our partners' lives should not just revolve around us. They can't just live for us. They are breathing, living, individual, that will soon hit the dirt like each one of us. They should be allowed to be with their chosen friends at the time that they feel that they should be, instead of being forced to accompany you to your friends. You can say that since it's important to you, that it should be important to him too. Well shit, how about what's important to him? Shouldn't that be important to you, too? So what if you bought tickets to a concert to surprise him? It's your fault that you asked him to not plan anything for that day while knowing full well that he will. So yeah, You're fucked.

Of Views And Perspectives

Not too long ago, I met a guy named Trip. We we're both bloggers and in a committed relationship and we both wrote about our sexual exploits, the parallelism ended there. We have different approach when it comes to writing and life in general. He often points out that though our blog contents were the same, his is leaning more towards morality and guidance while mine tends to just be that, pure, raw, lust. To be honest, I never really saw the moral in his posts. But hey, that's his opinion so that's that.

 

As time goes by, I started calling him "Master Trip" just for the heck of it. Other bloggers joined in and he started calling me his "Apprentice". Though I didn't plan on anything more than a mere empty jest, I got to admit, I actually liked the idea of being an apprentice. And so begins our mentor / mentee relationship.

 

He thought me how to become cynical. He would disagree, of course. He doesn't like being tagged as someone who teaches cynicism but that's the truth. He also taught me that everything is relative, and as such, truth is relative. My truth may be different from his truth, and so on. Kind of mind bending shit but it works. He made sure that I remain critical about everything and anything. And that every story has more than one version. You may have heard the saying that there's three version? Your version, Their version, and The Truth. Trip has a different approach. There's actually nine - Yours, What you think theirs is, Theirs, What they think yours is, What we want people to know, What they want people to know, What people perceive, What people believe, and What people would like you to believe. He taught me all of this things without actually teaching them to me. He just showed me the way. And for that, I looked at him as my life coach.

 

He also share his views on relationships and his version of what cheating is. Views that I share and agree to up to this day. It's a very long story. Maybe I'll save that for another time. I have a different side of the story that I wanted to share today.

 

As my life coach, he became the person that I go to for everything that happened to my life. relationship issues, work problems, family feuds, everything. We will just sit in his couch, drinking beer, him listening and me talking. It's always been like that. I've learned a lot. He was not selfish with his experience and knowledge. Though looking back, and I just realized this a few days ago, that there was one topic that he never shared with me. His own problems.

 

Today, I'm wondering why. Recently I've been given the chance to be a mentor myself. And I started sharing my own problems with the kids that I'm trying to guide. In my mind, this is needed to appear more human and gain more trust. But it also opens myself to pain and sadness. I wonder, is that the reason why Trip never crossed that line with me...

 

We haven't talked for a long time. There was an incident that shattered our bond. I plan to reach out to him soon. ask him why he never shared his problems and struggles with me. because right now, I'm confused and I needed some answers. and he's the only one who can answer them.

And So I Write.... Again.

I'm sad today. I don't know why. I have an idea why but I really don't know the reason behind the general feeling of sadness I currently feel. I want to hide inside my room and cuddle some pillows. I just want to stay in bed all day or until this feeling of anxiety and depression goes away. Until then, I shall write. I heard/read somewhere that writing down your thoughts could help in alleviating some of the stress and tension one feels. Here's to giving it a try.

 

I want to do a lot of things and I hate myself for ruining every opportunities accorded to me. I hate myself for allowing pride and selfishness to destroy my hopes and dreams. I hate myself for letting everyone I know down, for letting myself down. I do not know how else to put it. I do not know how else to say it. I fucking hate myself.

 

Apparently, I don't know much. I thought I did. Or more like, I hope I did. No, that's wrong. I knew that I didn't know much. I was just confident enough that I can bullshit my way through things. Such is my gift and my curse. The power of the tongue. Be that as it may, I am getting tired of this shit. I'm getting tired period. I just want some peace and quiet. I just can't afford it. Because I was, and still am, eternally stupid.

 

I'm getting tired of people in general. In my line of work, we call it burning out. Usually, a trip to the beach, or a night out with friends should do the trick of rekindling the flames. But who am I kidding. I don't do fun. I don't do friends. I pretend. A lot. And then pretend some more. Because pretending is the only way that I know how to make people happy. Because if I didn't pretend, I'll be like a black hole/dementor that sucks away happiness from people just by being around them. The thought just made me smile. I'm an evil person.

 

I feel shackled. I feel tied down. I feel caged, unable to fly. I want to go. I want to travel. I want to see the world. But I've created the very circumstance that prevents me from doing so. I've shackled, tied down, and caged myself. Because I was stupid enough to believe in luck...

 

I will stop here. Obviously writing is not helping me in my current situation. The more I write, the more hate I feel towards myself.

 

 

I'll just go back to watching porn.

Random Ramblings #4

I never wanted to fall in love again. I've been hurt too many times that I've decided that I will be growing old alone but never lonely. I will be a mentor for the young and the new. I will share with them both the scars and wrinkles of smiles of the past. So they may learn and live their lives according to what they want, making informed decisions as they grow old.

 

Funny how life turns out differently than what we want and plan. I'm in love with a great guy. He's more than I deserve. I love him more each day. Also, I've met great kids that I thought I could share my vast experience with, but they ended up teaching me instead. They showed me what it means to be happy. They taught me how to live life to the fullest.

 

But in life, there's always complications. There's always problems that can't be solve with brute force. Experience taught me that. I guess, that's something I can share with the kids someday. For now, I will just have to shoulder it on my own. I'm sure I'll come up with something that can ease, if not solve, the issues at hand. I'm good that way.

 

I do not know why I'm writing this. I just wanted to write. I know I'm a little frustrated right now. I know I'm feeling left out. I know I'm not at my best. But writing, here, now, it makes me feel good somehow. And so I write, even when there's nothing to write.

 

Just because I wanted to.

And So It Goes...

Ever wonder why some people always want to be around other people? I blame advertising and marketing for that. That made sure that when we here the word "alone" we would automatically assume that "loneliness" follows. One would disagree. After all, I'm a self proclaimed loner.

 

"I'm alone but I'm not lonely. I'm alone because I choose to be. I'm a loner."

 

Pretty cool line don't you think? Sounds like something a rock star or a cowboy would say. I've been saying that to a lot of people who misconstrued my lonesomeness to being lonely. I know lonely. I'm not lonely.

 

My brother and I were raised as sheltered kids. We're not allowed to go outside and play.  I did have fun with my little brother. After all, we only had each other to play with. I don't even remember making friends while in school. My mom always said that the neighborhood kids are bad people and we should not associate ourselves with them. If the neighborhood kids were bad, what more were these kids that live farther away, right? So I decided to keep to myself.

 

I met my first friend when I was 12 years old. A real boy I can play with that had the same interests that I do. Or so I thought. He's much more like my little brother. They both like music and art, I'm more into logic and puzzles. They're both into fun and games, I'm more into serious and adult stuff. I thought if I acted like an adult, I'll be treated more seriously and with respect. All I got was jeers and people not wanting to be my friend because I'm too serious. As my aunts and uncles put it, "the adult little boy".

 

I embraced being alone. I learned to love it, cherish it, accept it. I've decided that from that day onward, I will be alone but never lonely. I was 15.

 

Then I grew up. I hate growing up. Argh! Why do I have to grow up!?

 

I've met a lot of people. Some great, some, not so great. People with different personalities and different views in life. Some of them were loners too! And so begins a life, my life, with friends or as I would like to call it "the journey to not being alone".

 

And like how I embraced my lonesomeness, I welcome the warmth of companionship with open arms. I allowed myself to actually care for other people. I even loved, and continuous to love, some of them. As the song goes, I was just minding my own world without knowing what life and love is all about, and then they came, they took me out of my shelf, they brought the world to me, and without knowing, there I was so in love with them.

 

Oh if only the real world is like that. But it's not. Relationship ends. Hearts are broken. Pain. Suffering. Despair. Loneliness.

 

In all my years of being alone and then having someone to have dinner with, the most lonely, saddest part of my day, is eating alone. It's never the same...

"is it's so much easier to say you're antisocial, or claim that you just don't like people, or pretend that you just don't care anymore, than to admit how lonely and damaged you truly feel."

 

So we found ways to fill the gap. I turned to blogging and other social media platform. Sometimes I wished that the internet were available during my younger days. But then again, I would have written some really bad shit so I guess it's better this way.

 

 

 

P.S.

Here's a funny thought. All I ever wanted to write about today is why I decided to stop being part of the forum Pinoy Exchange. I guess I'll just write about that tomorrow :)

Almost

I went to his house today, like I did everyday for the past two years, so we can spend a little time together as we go to the office. It's usually marked with the usual pleasantries and temperature check on how things are and what's going on with each other's life. It's a great way to start each day.

Today was a little different. Today, we almost broke up. Almost.

There was an incident earlier. And it's not to say that it never happened before. I guess, it's my fault that I've decided to not get used to it by now. And no, it's not that big of a deal, but there's just something about tonight that I decided to not let things go. That's my fault too, I guess.

We took a cab together, but we didn't utter a single word to each other. When we arrived to our destination, he asked if I wanted to eat dinner. I agreed. Only to find out that I was the only one that's going to eat.

In all my years of experience and in all my relationships, the thirty minutes that we sat there, not talking to each other, as I finish my food, was the longest, most saddest time in the history of my relationships. It was simply too much.

We walked towards his office building in silence. No one seems to give in. No one seems to be the first one to say something.

When we reached the door, no words, just a kiss, he then walked towards the elevator. He didn't look back. He just kept on walking, and when the elevator arrived, he went in without glancing back...

Is this it? Is this how it all end? I got to say, it's pretty romantic. Like the one in the movies. No goodbyes, no tears, no drama, just a kiss. And that was all.

And So We Try

I'm taking a break, probably a sabbatical, from sharing sad stories of my past. I was told I was bringing everyone down. Before, when I write sad stories, people were happy because then can find life lessons in them. Now, it's just sad. And so I will stop.

 

I've been churning out posts day after day, quite recently. I do not know where the motivation came from but it's certainly helping in managing my anger issues. Writing relaxes me. It soothes my mind. And so I will write.

 

I wanted to write something funny. But from I've been told again and again, forcing yourself to be funny doesn't result to humor. For some reason, the people you're trying to impress with your sense of humor could tell that your jokes are forced. So try as I may, I'm not a funny guy. And so I won't force it.

 

I would like to believe that I'm good in writing something inspiring, albeit serious, articles. It doesn't attract much readership like the funny ones but to those that do read them, I hope that I can touch their lives with some of mine and in return, I could be touched by theirs through their comments and suggestions. An exchange of ideas and experience that transcend the boundaries of space and time. And so it shall.

 

I want to say that I aspire to live, not to exist. That I aspire to make a difference, not be a bystander. Or that I aspire to be someone, not no one. Maybe should say I aspire to achieve, not to fail. Or like everyone, I can say I aspire to be great. there's all good and noble aspirations. But in reality, all I aspire is to be a better version of myself. And so I hope.

 

I've experienced existing instead of living. I've experienced living too. Living is better. I've tried to make a difference, or so I hope I did. I've been a bystander too, but that didn't end well for me. I was someone before and now I'm no one. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. My achievements in this life were because of my not-so-few enormous failures. I just kept getting up. And when I do not want to get up anymore, someone comes along to pick me up. Thinking about them makes me teary eyed. All those hopes and chances and opportunities that they helped with and gave me. And so I'm thankful.

 

I've written so many times how I hate myself for who I am and what I've done. I've been ask countless times why I can't forgive myself and try to move on. I wish that I can. I wish that I could. But that's neither here nor there. Because right now, what's important, for me at least, is that even though I can't find a way to forgive myself or find absolution for my past sins, is that I learn from my mistakes and try not to repeat the horrible things I did before. Because my doing so, though we can't change who we are, we can influence those who came after us, how to really live and aspire.

 

And so we should try. Try to aspire to live. To live to make a difference. A difference that inspires. An inspiration to give it a try.

 

Because sometimes, trying, makes all the difference.

Of Angst and Anger

Angst

noun \ˈäŋ(k)st, ˈaŋ(k)st\

:  a feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity

- Merriam-Webster

 

I first encountered this word when I was about to alight the MRT. Some teenage girls were blocking my way so I said "excuse me" in my usual authoritative voice. They parted and let me through. When I had my back on them, one of them said to another, in a voice loud enough to be overheard: "ang daming angst lang".

 

Kids and their new word. Probably heard or read it somewhere. I smiled to myself as I walk away. I didn't know the meaning of the word but I can still remember the feeling I felt as I associated the word with anger. During those days, I can remember that I was always full of anger. I had no idea why but I'm basically angry about anything and everything. But upon hearing that word, it made me realize that I need to keep my temper in check and not to let it be evident in the way I speak. I tried and failed. Not more than a month passed after the MRT incident, as I was about to get off the elevator at work, a coworker said to me "wag ka masyado ma-angst". I was dumbfounded.

 

Yes, I could have said "excuse me" in a much more nicer way. I could have kept my mouth shut as someone tries to get past the line. Or I could speak out about anything and everything but without the angst in them (I'm using the word Angst here even though what I really mean is Anger because during the time, I really thought they are one and the same)

 

Ever since that fateful second incident, I was able to keep myself in check. I was able to learn how to control my voice and to keep my mouth shut. I was able to speak only after thinking it through. And I was able to communicate my disgust without the "angst". That's until 2 days ago.

 

 

Angry

adjective an·gry \ˈaŋ-grē\

 

: filled with anger : having a strong feeling of being upset or annoyed

: showing anger

: seeming to show anger : threatening or menacing

 

- Merriam-Webter

 

 

In the past couple of days, I've seen and heard myself becoming angry at the slightest provocation. Gone were the days of diplomacy and words of caution. The silvertongue that I've been using is now a thing of the past. Thinking about it makes me angry. Either I'm turning to The Hulk without the Gamma radiation or I'm just one sad individual who's lashing out to the world again, like in my teenage years. Ugh, how I hate myself.

 

As I write this, I'm trying to think back to the day that I lost my diplomatic touch. But as of right now, I really don't know. I really can't remember. I mean, it could be when boyfie stopped me from ranting whenever I'm with him, keeping my emotions bottled up. Or it could be when I got the rejection notice from a company I was trying to join and started plotting how I can get back at them. Or it could be the sad stories of people close to me and the inevitable feeling of being unable to help them. Or it could be the little things that I tend to ignore, piling up until they're too heavy to carry. It could be any one of these or none of these at all. I really don't know. I wish I can say that I don't really care. But this time, I do care. Maybe that's the reason behind the anger. Caring.

 

I've allowed myself to care for people. Something that I've tried to avoid for a very long time. I've even learned not to care for the fate of my own family. I don't even care for myself. Because having someone to care for, to love, who cares for you and loves you in return, it affects you, it changes you. It makes you want to protect them, even angry at yourself for not being able to. Anger that can make you lash out from time to time. Because caring, loving, it gives you a reason to lower down your defenses, show your true self, and even share a part of you with them. That's very dangerous. It's very risky. It's also very worth it.

 

 

Irony Much?

Writing is hard. This is the fifth draft that I made tonight. I deleted the first four because I hate the fact that they contain nothing but blah, blah, blah, me, me, me.

 

When I write, or at least try to write, I follow the "Forrester Way" of writing that I got from the movie Finding Forrester.

 

                "No thinking - that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart.

                You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is... to write, not to think!"

- William Forrester -

 

And so I hack and peck the keyboard, typing continuously, letting the information flow. Then come back, read the draft from top to bottom, and relentlessly correct and edit each part. Tiring work but it's very effective.

 

Today, I will stray from that path and just say what I want to write about. Instead of writing stories and try to relate it in some convoluted way to what point I'm trying to get across, as if to appear mysterious and knowledgeable, I will say it plain and simple. I want to write why I am not a happy person.

 

I am not happy because I choose not to be happy. Like everything in this world, being happy is also a choice. I just choose not to be. Don't I think I deserve to be happy? I have to admit, there are those days that I thought I should be... that I could. Only to realize that I mustn't. Someone like me doesn't deserve to be happy. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to be miserable. I deserve to die.

 

But of course, nobody wants to be around all that negativity. Couple that with my need for human interaction from time to time, I've learned to put on a mask. A façade, if you will. I became someone else. Someone optimistic and with a sense of humor. Someone who laughs and has a smiling eyes. Someone who I taught people would like. Pathetic little me.

 

Now don't get me wrong. I do not write these things to get self pity. Take your pity and give it to someone else worth it. I do not need pity. I do not want it. But I do need some answers...

 

Writing these words made me wonder. Why, after more than 20 years of putting on the mask, did I decide to "out" myself? Why did I leave myself vulnerable and allowed people to glean the person behind the mask? I do not know the answers. First, I thought it was because I was being careless. Then I thought my mask is full of cranks and chinks that people are seeing through it already so there's no use to hide behind it. I really don't know. All I know is that lately, I've open up myself to this blog and to a few people. Very uncharacteristic of me. I shared too much information about myself in the last month than I shared in the last two years. What's happening to me?

Random Ramblings #3

As much as we want to be connected with others, we have to realize that there will always be a part of us and a part of them that will never connect, that will never interact. We each have our reasons, we each have our own standards. We call them doors that can't be opened, rooms that can't be entered, areas not to be explored. We call them secrets and taboos.

 

I came to understand that we will all love more than one person in our lives. Most of them will be the platonic kind and few will be the romantic kind. Some will even dare say that you will only really love one person. Your one true love. Wouldn't that be nice. But experience thought me that there will be a few "the one" and a lot more people that we will give all the love we have. It's not because we have so much love to give or we think that this person is "the one". We give them all our love because we hope against hope that maybe, just maybe, the person we are loving is the person that will love us back the way we think we deserved to be loved.

 

Ha, love. What a very powerful feeling. But even love is not enough to open all the doors that we have locked away from people. Even love is not enough to give them access to all the off limit areas that we have. Sure, we might unlock some doors, open some areas, and even dig through some old memories we tried to buried a long time ago. But we can never be truly honest, truly open, because we ourselves, can't to ourselves.

 

I wish I knew why. I really wish I knew how. But I don't know the answer. I'm just rambling because I don't want to talk about something I really want to talk about. It's paradoxical oxymoronic comment but I don't know how else to put it. I don't know how else to say it.

 

I do not want to share my problems and angst to anyone because that's my burden to bare and besides, everyone else's carrying their own burdens. Why should I pile on to theirs? I would rather take what they have and help them carry it. Superman complex, that maybe but I guess it's something else for me. There's power in information. Power that I would like to hold someday.

 

And as for the thing that I want to talk about but doesn't want to talk about, here's something that's close to what I have in mind... 

 

"there comes a point when you have to realize that you'll never be good enough for some people. the question is, is that your problem or theirs?"

26 and Counting...

We've been having some problems recently...

I look into your eyes, so far away
There's trouble on your mind
You're losing faith
 Hey now, let me hold you
It'll be okay
Coz I will love you
Till they take my heart away

we've been through some tough times before...

Remember when you called
And said goodbye
You thought we'd lost it all
And so did I
Even if I'd lost you
It'll be the same
Coz I will love you
Till they take my heart away

but whatever happened in the past...

Believe
I'm here to stay
I will love you
Till they take my heart away

and whatever the future holds, I'm confident...

Now we're stronger than before
We've made it through
I never felt more sure
Because of you
Hey now, are you listening?
Can you hear me say
Coz I will love you
Till they take my heart away

because whatever happens...

I will love you
Till they take my heart away...





I wanted to write something else... something about my past... something that shows who I was... but it seems that I can't. The past was sad and painful. It was gloomy. My present is much happier. Much clearer. I prefer that now. Shit, it seems there's hope for pessimists after all.

Random Ramblings #2

Are you happy?

 

I think I am.

 

Do you still see a future for us?

 

I think I do.

 

Do you think we can move forward?

 

I think we can.

 

Do you still love me?

 

I think so. Yes, I think I do.

 

 

When we try to convince ourselves of what we think we should be feeling, and we did get ourselves convinced, how sure are we that we really are feeling that way? How sure are we of anything?

 

I've read Simon's and Maktub's recent posts. Full of emotions. Full of reality. At least, for them. Does wanting that same kind of reality makes me a romantic or an idealist? Sentimental? Can I be all three? I don't think so. I can't be both.

 

Sentimental and romantic. Both words I heard people used to describe me. And those same words were used to point what I lack. How ironic.

 

I'm in a dilemma. I'm in a crossroad. I'm afraid. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm petrified. I can't move. I can't think. All I can do is write...

 

Write of the past. Write of the present. Write of the future. Write all the ideas that I can find and as far as the imagination can fly. For with written words, we can feel secure. We can feel safe. We can feel... love.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel.

 

because right now, I feel alone.

Of Clouds, and Dreams, and Everything in Between



clouds over Cebu City, Philippines 031515



When I was a kid I dreamed of travelling far and wide. Not exactly to see the world as it is but to explore the wonders it can provide. I can still remember those days that I get wide eyed whenever I thought I discovered something new, like a new species of mushroom or flies.

Clouds. They drift where the wind blows. Carrying and absorbing moisture over time. Getting heavier and darker with every single drop of water they take with them. And when the weight becomes too heavy, they seem to break and release whatever they've been keeping inside. And then, they drift again, like an endless cycle.

How time flies. It's been more than a decade and I'm still working in the same industry that I thought would only be my stepping stone to achieving my dream of being a professional traveler. Alas, the dream faded and was replaced by jadedness and cynicism. Now, the only time I travel is when I'm online. The only time I discover new things is when I come across a disgruntled customer who seems intent in creating new ways to insult and degrade people.

We are all clouds. Drifting through this world where time and chance blows. Absorbing experiences and challenges as we pass by the ocean called Life. And when it becomes too much, we break down and cry. Showering rain and thunder to those nearby.

It's not all bad. I've met people. People that changed and crafted the person that I would become, and some more. I've known love. A feeling that can't seem to be extinguished by anything, yet can disappear as fast as they come. A force so powerful that when left unchecked, it could wreck havoc, it could destroy, even kill. Yet, when properly nourished, it can bring life and happiness and hope. Yes, hope.

We are all clouds. Sheltering the people we love against the heat of the Sun. Begging time and chance to let us stay in one place at a time so we can be of much use to those who need us. To offer protection and guidance. Or to simply offer a cool shade to those whose underneath us.

And so I hoped. Hoped against hope. That soon, we will no longer need to contend ourselves with exploring each other's personality as if it's new found land. Or with discovering each other likes and dislikes as if learning of another world's culture. Because in due time, together we will explore the world. Together, we will discover the intricacies of societies, both forgotten and new. Yes, together.

We are all clouds.