"Unwritten" Letter

Hey Babe,

I love you. I miss you so much.

We've been together for a little more than a year now. But I can still remember vividly the first time I laid my eyes on you. The first words we uttered to each other. The first kiss... the first hug... we were not "official" then. Both of us were thinking that it would just be another one time thing. But things changed so fast and now look at where we are now... I'm still so in love with you.

I'm writing today because I know that I may never have the chance to say the things I'm about to say here in person. You and I both know that I have a hard time verbalizing what's happening inside my head and my heart. So please bear with me a little longer as I grasp for words to interpret and convey what I want you to know. Here it goes...

I hate myself. I fantasize killing myself many times over. I look at myself as no longer a person or an individual but rather just a creature. A thing that's below the maggot in this plane of existence. That's why I do not care for myself. That's why I don't buy anything for myself or bother with self vanity. I couldn't care less what people have to say about who I am because no one can look at me lower that how I have placed myself in the ladder. Because in reality I just don't hate myself, I loathe me...

And then you came into my life. You made me realize that even as someone as badly damaged and broken like me can be loved. You made me feel special. With you by my side, I started to feel human again. That I am capable of feelings other than hate or lust. That I can be happy. You made me smile again. You helped me to believe once more.

I don't know how you did it. Everything is still surreal  for me. You. Me. Us. Together. I'm smiling like a lunatic while writing these very lines. Because I love you. Not because you made me feel like I could change and that I can be a better person but because I just love you. With all my heart. With all my soul. I do love you...

That is why I have to break up with you. That's why I have to stay away from you. You deserve someone better. Someone who will make you smile and not hurt you. Someone who will care for you in return for all your efforts. Someone who can make your dreams come true. And that's not me. As much I want to be, I will never be the man that you deserve.  I love you so much that I would rather hurt myself that hurt you. And this, here, now, this is killing me. But this needed to be said and done. You deserve better.

I love you more and more and with every passing minute of my miserable existence, I will think of you. I miss you so much already my heart aches...

I love you babe. Good bye.