P360 - Day 006

'Not So Serious'

I spent the entire day cooped up in my room, hugging the bear that boyfie gave me while savoring the last hours of my rest before going back to work. It's been a total waste of man hours yet for some reason, I feel that it's not a waste at all. That for one reason for another, I actually achieved something. What's that though, I do not know. What I do know is that today was a good day for not being serious.

P360 - Day 005

'Sundate'

It's always been one of my dreams to have a lazy Sunday with boyfie. Just lounging in a sofa, munching on sandwiches we made, while watching TV. Who would've known that one of those three would happen today?! We made sandwiches together!

Yay!

Now, if we could just find a place were we can lounge in safety and discreetly, that will be awesome!

Overdue (Re)Introduction

Hello hello hello!

 

I've been planning on introducing myself, yet again, but there's been a lot of things that's going on recently that I had to prioritize. That being said, even though this post almost didn't make it to this blog today, I promised myself that today is the day that I put this here.

 

What is 'this' exactly? 'This' is a post containing information about yours truly, conducted in an interview fashion (by myself as well, such a loser!) in order to bring some semblance of order to this blog. So without further ado, here is my stunning, provocative, extremely overrated, self interview!

 

Hi, please tell us your name, age, location, occupation, and to those who believes in astrology, your star sign.

 

I'm JeKi, not my real name of course. 32 years old, not too old, not too young. Lives in the 'garbage city' part of the metro. Works as a callboy at night in one of the disputed areas between Makati and Taguig. I'm a Sagittarian.

 

Why JeKi?

 

JeKi is a word play, combining my name and my boyfie's name. That's also the name of our dog.

 

Tell us more about your boyfie.

 

Boyfie's hot. Obviously. You know me, I won't settle for anything less. But seriously though, in more than two years that we've been together, he's been the rock that anchored my boat to make sure that it survives the storm that I'm currently in. But enough about him. This post should be about me. I'll let him answer questions about himself in a post dedicated to him.

 

That's nice and sweet. If he's your rock, what are you to him?

 

His ass? Lelz, I kid. I would like to believe that I'm his partner, in all sense of the word. But you better ask him when you get the chance to interview him.

 

Alright, tell us something about yourself that you haven't shared to anyone, including this blog, that you think is interesting and worthwhile.

 

This one is tough. I pride myself as an open book, so all that I can think of right now are things that I've already shared with someone. So let me just share that very few people knows about me - I've been studying how to play a violin. It's both hard and expensive but whenever I see JunCurryAhn, I can't help but be inspired.

 

Violin huh? I thought you are not a musically inclined person?

 

I am not musically inclined but violin players are so hot. I mean, violins are so powerful and flexible that it seems all encompassing, it's transforming.

 

Wow. Alright. You like violins and violin players. Besides those two, what other things do you like?

 

Movies, TV series, Online games, Books, Board games, geeky stuff.

 

Describe your normal day.

 

I wake up, prep up, go to boyfie's house, if it's a workday, we'll go together since our offices are just near each other, if it's a rest day, we'll just hangout. Then go home, either play online games or read a book. Sleep. Repeat.

 

And since this post is already too long, this is the last question for now. Why write? Why blog? What do you get from doing it?

 

I write because I need to write. Writing is an outlet for me. Thoughts that I can't express or say, I write. It helps me cope. It allows me to be the person that I need to be. And I do it here because my handwriting sucks. As my grade school teacher once said "I don't write, I create art"

 

 

There we have it. Finally finished with a 'short' reintroduction. Until next time.

Of Crossroads And Other Paths

"...Now I have come to the crossroads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard..."

- Lt. Col. Frank Slade, Scent of A Woman

 

 

I've been going through a lot lately. Don't ask me what about because I myself doesn't know what or why. All I know is that lately, I'm always tired, drained of energy, and some days, downright depressed. I've lost my appetite for both food and life. All I want to do is to lock myself in my room, day and night, waste away playing online games, until the day I die.

 

I've lost my motivation, my push, my will to live.

 

I'm merely existing. Almost flitting.

 

It could be depression. I don't know and I don't care. I just thought writing it here could somehow help. Or maybe this is just a call for attention that I think I deserve. Maybe.

 

I've been doing some thinking lately. Which is bad considering that I overthink everything. I oftentimes allow my mind to wander way far ahead. That's why I stopped thinking about many things for a long time. But having all this time that I have now that I have locked myself away from everyone, I can't help but think.

 

For the good part, I wanted to reinvent this blog. I have an idea of making it more light and fun. Though it will run contrary to what I feel usually, at least it won't be so heavy. I will try to inject humor to the tragedy that I will share. Again, someone that is not me. But it would be redundant if I write as who I really am in real life, someone who is boring, heavy to be with, full of drama individual. What's the use of having an online persona right? It's just it won't be me. It won't be me.

 

For the bad part, I've been thinking of breaking up with the love of my life, my current partner, my boyfriend, my one. I love him so much and it pains me to see him suffering because of me. Would he be hurt if I leave him, yes, he will be. At least I hope he will be. And then he'll move on. Compare that to being stuck with me through all this years, sucking up all his positive vibes and replacing it with my negative aura. Imagine living with a dementor as your partner. You'll be insane as all the prisoners in Azkaban. I don't want him to be insane. I want him to be happy. And I don't think I can do that anymore.

 

I'm on a crossroad of some sort. I know what path I must take. Will I take it? I don't know.  It seems to be too damn hard.

Almost

I went to his house today, like I did everyday for the past two years, so we can spend a little time together as we go to the office. It's usually marked with the usual pleasantries and temperature check on how things are and what's going on with each other's life. It's a great way to start each day.

Today was a little different. Today, we almost broke up. Almost.

There was an incident earlier. And it's not to say that it never happened before. I guess, it's my fault that I've decided to not get used to it by now. And no, it's not that big of a deal, but there's just something about tonight that I decided to not let things go. That's my fault too, I guess.

We took a cab together, but we didn't utter a single word to each other. When we arrived to our destination, he asked if I wanted to eat dinner. I agreed. Only to find out that I was the only one that's going to eat.

In all my years of experience and in all my relationships, the thirty minutes that we sat there, not talking to each other, as I finish my food, was the longest, most saddest time in the history of my relationships. It was simply too much.

We walked towards his office building in silence. No one seems to give in. No one seems to be the first one to say something.

When we reached the door, no words, just a kiss, he then walked towards the elevator. He didn't look back. He just kept on walking, and when the elevator arrived, he went in without glancing back...

Is this it? Is this how it all end? I got to say, it's pretty romantic. Like the one in the movies. No goodbyes, no tears, no drama, just a kiss. And that was all.

26 and Counting...

We've been having some problems recently...

I look into your eyes, so far away
There's trouble on your mind
You're losing faith
 Hey now, let me hold you
It'll be okay
Coz I will love you
Till they take my heart away

we've been through some tough times before...

Remember when you called
And said goodbye
You thought we'd lost it all
And so did I
Even if I'd lost you
It'll be the same
Coz I will love you
Till they take my heart away

but whatever happened in the past...

Believe
I'm here to stay
I will love you
Till they take my heart away

and whatever the future holds, I'm confident...

Now we're stronger than before
We've made it through
I never felt more sure
Because of you
Hey now, are you listening?
Can you hear me say
Coz I will love you
Till they take my heart away

because whatever happens...

I will love you
Till they take my heart away...





I wanted to write something else... something about my past... something that shows who I was... but it seems that I can't. The past was sad and painful. It was gloomy. My present is much happier. Much clearer. I prefer that now. Shit, it seems there's hope for pessimists after all.

Samaritan's Dilemma

 

"The Samaritan's dilemma is a dilemma in the act of charity. It hinges on the idea that when presented with charity, in some location such as a soup kitchen, a person will act in one of two ways: using the charity to improve their situation, or coming to rely on charity as a means of survival."

 

 

I grew up with a father that helps other people first before his family. I never understood the reasoning behind it. Probably because I never asked him why. I just relegated myself into thinking that perhaps, he thinks that we are more than capable than those that he helps. Though it was never the case, it got me through most nights.

 

As I grow older, I've adapted a philosophy I came across in a book. "I help not because I have plenty, but because I know what it felt to have none". It just hit me like a boulder. I never knew such words can reflect what I'm feeling inside. I never knew words can express what I had experienced and what I feel whenever I came across someone I think is in need of help. Until now, writing about these words, I can't help but feel a sense of awe. Such powerful words.

 

With the advent of social media, we came across a slew of articles that shows people helping other people almost on a daily basis. Whatever motivation they have for helping, whether they share it to the world for fame or for more humanitarian reasons, the important thing is that they helped. I helped a few times but I never mentioned it to a group or post it online until today. Because I encountered something that's new to me. My own version of the Samaritan's Dilemma or SD.

 

People that I came across with that I helped in some form or another doesn't fall under the "official" clause of the SD. They weren't asking for help but they clearly need it. These people weren't looking for charity from me. They were just trying to get on by themselves. Either too ashamed to ask for help or are had reached their limit of rejections for the day. In any case, I was just glad that I was able to help. however, earlier today, while having lunch with my partner after going the groceries, I saw an old lady, sitting by herself in the food court, munching on some bread sticks for lunch. By the looks of her, she had her entire belongings with her. She was not asking for alms or talking to anyone. She was just there. Sitting. Alone. Trying to pass whatever food she have for lunch with the help of a couple of glass of water. Her disposition tugged at my heart. I wanted to approach her. To ask her if she needed help. But I didn't. I held back.

 

Her demeanor, though showing weakness, doesn't translate to what people classify as "street people". Her clothes weren't torn nor dirty. The things inside her bag were properly tucked. I pointed her to my partner to get an opinion on the matter.

 

maybe she's just waiting for someone?

 

maybe. or maybe, she just doesn't want to appear to be a bother so as not to catch the guards attention.

 

do you think we should approach her?

 

I don't know. I don't want her to think that we look down at her.

 

I agree. She might think that we think too highly of ourselves to think that she needs help.

 

yeah, you're probably right. But look at her, she obviously needed help.

 

what do you want to do?

 

I'm thinking of buying something from Jollibee for her. Probably engage her in a conversation. Find her story.

 

yeah you can do that. But what if she doesn't want to be bothered? How can you be sure that she does need your help?

 

I, uhm... I don't know...

 

 

We went our way without approaching her. Looking back, I should have just approached her. Not to offer any help but just to start a conversation.

 

Huh. I guess it's not a dilemma after all.

 

 

 

 

Of Clouds, and Dreams, and Everything in Between



clouds over Cebu City, Philippines 031515



When I was a kid I dreamed of travelling far and wide. Not exactly to see the world as it is but to explore the wonders it can provide. I can still remember those days that I get wide eyed whenever I thought I discovered something new, like a new species of mushroom or flies.

Clouds. They drift where the wind blows. Carrying and absorbing moisture over time. Getting heavier and darker with every single drop of water they take with them. And when the weight becomes too heavy, they seem to break and release whatever they've been keeping inside. And then, they drift again, like an endless cycle.

How time flies. It's been more than a decade and I'm still working in the same industry that I thought would only be my stepping stone to achieving my dream of being a professional traveler. Alas, the dream faded and was replaced by jadedness and cynicism. Now, the only time I travel is when I'm online. The only time I discover new things is when I come across a disgruntled customer who seems intent in creating new ways to insult and degrade people.

We are all clouds. Drifting through this world where time and chance blows. Absorbing experiences and challenges as we pass by the ocean called Life. And when it becomes too much, we break down and cry. Showering rain and thunder to those nearby.

It's not all bad. I've met people. People that changed and crafted the person that I would become, and some more. I've known love. A feeling that can't seem to be extinguished by anything, yet can disappear as fast as they come. A force so powerful that when left unchecked, it could wreck havoc, it could destroy, even kill. Yet, when properly nourished, it can bring life and happiness and hope. Yes, hope.

We are all clouds. Sheltering the people we love against the heat of the Sun. Begging time and chance to let us stay in one place at a time so we can be of much use to those who need us. To offer protection and guidance. Or to simply offer a cool shade to those whose underneath us.

And so I hoped. Hoped against hope. That soon, we will no longer need to contend ourselves with exploring each other's personality as if it's new found land. Or with discovering each other likes and dislikes as if learning of another world's culture. Because in due time, together we will explore the world. Together, we will discover the intricacies of societies, both forgotten and new. Yes, together.

We are all clouds.

Busted

I really thought the day would never come... wait, who am I kidding, I always knew this day will come. It was just a matter of time.

Apparently, my boyfriend, my partner in life, knew about this blog's existence for quite sometime. He just didn't say anything about it. Not until today anyway.

He was hurt. Still hurting. I can't say I blame him for hating me. I did write some things here that, well, let's just say borders social conventions of what a relationship should be.

Today's the fourth time that our relationship suffer such a crushing blow in it's two years of existence. I would enumerate them all but I do not have the energy to do so... Let's just say twice it was my fault, twice was his. Today's mine though. And I hate myself more than the usual.

I could have denied it. I could have lied. But I made a promise that I would never lie to him. Yes, an arguement can be made that keeping a secret is lying by omission. Good thing he would disagree with that.

He has his secrets and I respect his privacy. I was an open book to him from day one. I never pretended, I never held back. But there were just those things that I can't talk about without writing... hiding behind the anonymity of the world wide web. Sharing my thoughts to others like myself.

The thing is, I never intended to hurt him. I never intended to hide things. Things just happened. I know, it's a lame excuse. I should know, I'm very good with excuses. Used them my entire life.

He will read this. He will probably hate me even more. Talking to faceless people instead of him... sharing my thoughts to people other than him...

Ah, I'm babbling. I was stupid and I knew it. I hate myself. I love him and I want to spend my life with him.  I know he wanted the same thing too. I just keep on making it difficult for him... what a shame.

In The Name Of Love

When it comes to love, we do crazy things. I've done my share and asked the same from a lot of people. Today was no different. I did something that I never thought I could do. Have a full leg wax.

Im pretty attached to my hairy legs. I personally find them sexy. Same goes for those of my boyfriend. Imagine my shock when he said he wanted to get them waxed off. Like every good boyfriend, I did my best to dissuade him but to no avail. That is why we  both ended here, at the Lay Bare waxing salon, shouting in pain while trying to laugh it off.

Lesson learned: if you love someone, we do things from as big as saying sorry even when it's not our fault up to the small things like being bottom even when you're a top. Just don't forget that there are certain quarters and beliefs that we can't compromise. Because if we do, we are no longer lovers. Just a robot trying to do his master's bidding. Nobody wants to end like that

"Unspoken" Emotions

I haven't shared the letter I mentioned in the previous post with anyone other than this blog. Hiding behind the anonymity that the internet provided, I felt somewhat OK with sharing what I was feeling inside. The turmoil I was fighting. As I'm sure of what I written down, I already know how my babe would have reacted knowing what I was feeling...

He would have been angry. And his anger would have been justified. Why would I share what I was feeling inside to other people but not to him directly. 

He would have been confused. Confused as to why I would have chosen to hide what I was feeling from him for a long time while pretending that everything was alright.

He would have been disappointed. For the fact that I do not trust him enough that he could have understood my situation.

He would have been hurt that I would choose to run away by myself instead of facing the problems hand and hand with him.

My babe is not a saint. He do have his shortcomings. But these words would have been exactly how he would have said and felt if he knew about the contents of the previous post. And he would have said some lines that I only heard in the movies...

"...it's my choice what to do with my life and I chose to be with you... if I end up hurting and damaged, at least it was my choice and not anyone else. So don't make my choices for me... because if you really love me like you say you do, you wouldn't do that at all..."

I would have countered and maneuvered my way out with more words. I'm good with words. But I wouldn't do that. I would rather just stay silent and stare at my feet. I would choose to hurt myself that see the person I love the most in tears...

"Unwritten" Letter

Hey Babe,

I love you. I miss you so much.

We've been together for a little more than a year now. But I can still remember vividly the first time I laid my eyes on you. The first words we uttered to each other. The first kiss... the first hug... we were not "official" then. Both of us were thinking that it would just be another one time thing. But things changed so fast and now look at where we are now... I'm still so in love with you.

I'm writing today because I know that I may never have the chance to say the things I'm about to say here in person. You and I both know that I have a hard time verbalizing what's happening inside my head and my heart. So please bear with me a little longer as I grasp for words to interpret and convey what I want you to know. Here it goes...

I hate myself. I fantasize killing myself many times over. I look at myself as no longer a person or an individual but rather just a creature. A thing that's below the maggot in this plane of existence. That's why I do not care for myself. That's why I don't buy anything for myself or bother with self vanity. I couldn't care less what people have to say about who I am because no one can look at me lower that how I have placed myself in the ladder. Because in reality I just don't hate myself, I loathe me...

And then you came into my life. You made me realize that even as someone as badly damaged and broken like me can be loved. You made me feel special. With you by my side, I started to feel human again. That I am capable of feelings other than hate or lust. That I can be happy. You made me smile again. You helped me to believe once more.

I don't know how you did it. Everything is still surreal  for me. You. Me. Us. Together. I'm smiling like a lunatic while writing these very lines. Because I love you. Not because you made me feel like I could change and that I can be a better person but because I just love you. With all my heart. With all my soul. I do love you...

That is why I have to break up with you. That's why I have to stay away from you. You deserve someone better. Someone who will make you smile and not hurt you. Someone who will care for you in return for all your efforts. Someone who can make your dreams come true. And that's not me. As much I want to be, I will never be the man that you deserve.  I love you so much that I would rather hurt myself that hurt you. And this, here, now, this is killing me. But this needed to be said and done. You deserve better.

I love you more and more and with every passing minute of my miserable existence, I will think of you. I miss you so much already my heart aches...

I love you babe. Good bye.

A Year To Remember

February 10, 2013

I sent him a message. He replied. No pleasantries, just pure business. Digits were exchanged, meet up in a few minutes...

I showered, made sure I'm presentable. Went to his place and enjoyed the moment. After savoring it again, we cleaned ourselves. A few small talk, then I left.

Hit and run. That's the first thing that came to mind. I smiled to myself. I actually enjoyed this last one..

Message sent. I initiated the conversation. He replied. Good. Keeping the lines open for future use.

3 days passed.

I went to his place once more. This is unusual for me. I try to keep it to once per person to make sure no emotional attachment is seeded. But I did enjoyed it and another serving doesn't seem to be a bad choice. This time, pleasantries were exchanged. More small talk were made. I got scared so I left.

February 17, 2013

7 days since we first saw each other, we saw each other again. This time, while waiting for an elevator. It would seem that we are working in the same building albeit different floors. Those who believed in magic or a higher power would call this fate or destiny. I call it chance. A chance for me to enjoy a different kind of desert in one of the vacant floors of the building. Risky and exciting. Another trait I am not associated with. What is happening to me?

1 day passed.

Message received. He initiated the conversation this time. An out of town invitation. Puerto Galera. A place I've never been to and had no plans of visiting in my life time. The stigma of the place is just not for me. I replied that I will go with him. Contradiction. Now that's something I am familiar with.

February 23, 2013

The fated day. We went to Galera. I was scared. I don't like crowded places and the noise but I'm committed. I will do this. I will endure.

It was almost midnight. Inside a bar filled with noise that passes for music nowadays. People drunk as fuck swaying like hippies trying to dance to the tunes in their own heads. Me, seated in the bar area together with him. Booze filled veins and heart pumping like crazy, I confessed. I tore the wall that I made. I blurted out what I was feeling and thinking all along. I uttered those three words people throw away so carelessly nowadays. Fear conquered by alcohol.

He was in tears. He claims he have the same feelings even before. We kissed. We hugged. Cheers from his friends for we found what we were not looking for in a hopeless place. We found each other.