And So I Write.... Again.

I'm sad today. I don't know why. I have an idea why but I really don't know the reason behind the general feeling of sadness I currently feel. I want to hide inside my room and cuddle some pillows. I just want to stay in bed all day or until this feeling of anxiety and depression goes away. Until then, I shall write. I heard/read somewhere that writing down your thoughts could help in alleviating some of the stress and tension one feels. Here's to giving it a try.

 

I want to do a lot of things and I hate myself for ruining every opportunities accorded to me. I hate myself for allowing pride and selfishness to destroy my hopes and dreams. I hate myself for letting everyone I know down, for letting myself down. I do not know how else to put it. I do not know how else to say it. I fucking hate myself.

 

Apparently, I don't know much. I thought I did. Or more like, I hope I did. No, that's wrong. I knew that I didn't know much. I was just confident enough that I can bullshit my way through things. Such is my gift and my curse. The power of the tongue. Be that as it may, I am getting tired of this shit. I'm getting tired period. I just want some peace and quiet. I just can't afford it. Because I was, and still am, eternally stupid.

 

I'm getting tired of people in general. In my line of work, we call it burning out. Usually, a trip to the beach, or a night out with friends should do the trick of rekindling the flames. But who am I kidding. I don't do fun. I don't do friends. I pretend. A lot. And then pretend some more. Because pretending is the only way that I know how to make people happy. Because if I didn't pretend, I'll be like a black hole/dementor that sucks away happiness from people just by being around them. The thought just made me smile. I'm an evil person.

 

I feel shackled. I feel tied down. I feel caged, unable to fly. I want to go. I want to travel. I want to see the world. But I've created the very circumstance that prevents me from doing so. I've shackled, tied down, and caged myself. Because I was stupid enough to believe in luck...

 

I will stop here. Obviously writing is not helping me in my current situation. The more I write, the more hate I feel towards myself.

 

 

I'll just go back to watching porn.

Of Clouds, and Dreams, and Everything in Between



clouds over Cebu City, Philippines 031515



When I was a kid I dreamed of travelling far and wide. Not exactly to see the world as it is but to explore the wonders it can provide. I can still remember those days that I get wide eyed whenever I thought I discovered something new, like a new species of mushroom or flies.

Clouds. They drift where the wind blows. Carrying and absorbing moisture over time. Getting heavier and darker with every single drop of water they take with them. And when the weight becomes too heavy, they seem to break and release whatever they've been keeping inside. And then, they drift again, like an endless cycle.

How time flies. It's been more than a decade and I'm still working in the same industry that I thought would only be my stepping stone to achieving my dream of being a professional traveler. Alas, the dream faded and was replaced by jadedness and cynicism. Now, the only time I travel is when I'm online. The only time I discover new things is when I come across a disgruntled customer who seems intent in creating new ways to insult and degrade people.

We are all clouds. Drifting through this world where time and chance blows. Absorbing experiences and challenges as we pass by the ocean called Life. And when it becomes too much, we break down and cry. Showering rain and thunder to those nearby.

It's not all bad. I've met people. People that changed and crafted the person that I would become, and some more. I've known love. A feeling that can't seem to be extinguished by anything, yet can disappear as fast as they come. A force so powerful that when left unchecked, it could wreck havoc, it could destroy, even kill. Yet, when properly nourished, it can bring life and happiness and hope. Yes, hope.

We are all clouds. Sheltering the people we love against the heat of the Sun. Begging time and chance to let us stay in one place at a time so we can be of much use to those who need us. To offer protection and guidance. Or to simply offer a cool shade to those whose underneath us.

And so I hoped. Hoped against hope. That soon, we will no longer need to contend ourselves with exploring each other's personality as if it's new found land. Or with discovering each other likes and dislikes as if learning of another world's culture. Because in due time, together we will explore the world. Together, we will discover the intricacies of societies, both forgotten and new. Yes, together.

We are all clouds.