What A Wonderful World

there's been a lot of negativity with me lately. Anger and hate seems to be bubbling up and just waiting to burst...

I see trees of green, red roses to 

I see them bloom for me and you

everywhere I look, corruption, traffic, anger, disappointment... there seems to be no hope for us, for me...

And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

left or right, forward or back, there seems to be no progress, just stagnant and unyielding stubbornness all around...

I see skies of blue and clouds of white

The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night

people look up to the sky, hoping that someone is listening, watching even, that will help them get through the night... hoping that tomorrow will bring a better day, a better plight...

And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

people litter the streets, scavenging for left overs, a way to fill their empty stomach... a kid cowering underneath the underpass to stay dry and warm...

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by

hopelessness abounds, the grief and fear seems to know no end...

I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

a family of four, living in a wooden cart, trying to fight off the rain with nothing but a used  cardboard box and a broken umbrella... makes you wonder what were the parents thinking bringing children to this world when they themselves have nothing...

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know

and then you will hear them laugh together... though they have nothing, they have each other... they seem to be... happy...

And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Random Ramblings

I've been trying to write something here for the past two days but it's just not coming together. The idea, the emotion, the fluidity of everything seems to be off balance recently.

I tried to push myself to write by blankly staring at my monitor for hours trying to have some grasp on what I should write about. Alas, still nothing. That's why I decided to write just what I'm feeling right now...

First, I'm a bit pissed off that I wasn't able to watch the premier of Rurouni Kenshin last week. For some reason, SM Malls decided to screen the movie a week earlier than what's intended (as per WB the opening day should be the 24th). This just fueled my already disgusted, overtly discriminating look at those who's managing this monopoly. I would send them to the gas chambers without any hesitation or equivocation what so ever. I hate them, period.

Secondly, I'm conflicted on what choice I should make. I'm a bum for about 3 weeks now and there's another 2 weeks that I would have to endure before I start with my new company. However, I got a call from a company that offers better pay that will start a week earlier. I would love to stick with my signed commitment with the company I signed the contracts with but I would also love to start a new job a soon as possible because the financial issues at home is becoming graver by the minute.

Lastly, I'm a little sad because for some reason, I lost the ability to think and write independently. For some reason, I am now bound by some chains that dictates every keystroke that I make. I might need to retreat from this space for a while as to collect myself again. Somewhere between the past 3 months, I lost myself.

Anyway, here's another waste of time and space in the world wide web. What a sad fucker I am. Pity me boo-hoo.

The Tarantino Phenomena

I was about to write a blog about the movie Reservoir Dogs by Quentin Tarantino and how it made me understand the true genius that Mr. Tarantino really is. But then I realized that nobody really cares so I just stopped typing.

I'll just say this though - If you haven't seen it, go watch it. There's a reason why it's called a cult hit, a classic, and classified by Empire Magazine as the greatest independent film of all time - a review I most certainly agree with.

Oh, and it will make you ask the question, why does other waiters deserve a tip when waiters in Mcdonald's and other fast food joint can't have any?

Wondering About Wandering

disclaimer - this is another sad story. if you are not in the mood for another self-pity-slash-drama-queen-slash-poor-me kind of story, change blog now. but if you are, I promise that this story is more heart and soul than anything I've ever written.

I was channeling surfing when I happened to see ANC's Mukha. The episode tonight, as it turns out, is about a has been actor that's now living in the streets. I do not know him nor I have seen any of his works but he does look familiar. As it turns out, he used to be someone before. Someone who was given great talent and tremendous amount of opportunity that he squandered away when he got involved with drugs. Oh how the mighty has fallen!

Nalungkot ako sa napanuod ko. Hindi dahil naawa ako sa kanya dahil palaboy na sya ngayon, kung hindi dahil sa nasa salamin ng istorya ng buhay nya ang buhay ko. Parang nakita ko na kung anong mangyayari sa akin in the future.

Gusto kong maniwala na kagaya nya, talented din ako. Hindi sa pag arte pero sa dunong at pananalita. Kagaya nya, napansin ng tao kung ano ang kaya kong gawin kaya kung ano anong suporta at opportunity ang binigay sa akin. Pero kagaya din nya, hindi ko pinahalagahan ang mga bagay bagay. Hindi namin parehas ginalang ang oras at panahon. Parehas namin inakala na kung anong meron kami nung panahon na yon ay patuloy lang na dadaloy. How wrong we were.

I used to be big. I was on my way to the top. I was living the good life. I have a car, a condo, a loving boyfriend, my family was taken cared of, and I was doing what I wanted to do and was earning as much as I needed to. Yet I let it all slipped through my hands because of my naivety and stupidity. 

Kagaya ng subject sa episode na pinapanuod ko, nalulong din ako sa masamang bisyo. Sya sa illegal drugs, ako naman sa sugal...

(I never thought how much painful it is to write about this thing. I haven't uttered or shared it with anyone. I always kept it in my heart as a reminder of the things I squandered and the hearts that I broke.)

Dahil sa sugal, napabayaan ko ang trabaho ko hangang sa dumating ang panahon na natangal ako. Nagsimula kaming mag away ng ka live in partner ko tungkol sa pera dahil naubos ko ang savings namin. Nalubog ako sa utang at nung hindi na ako makautang sa pangalan ko, ginamit ko naman ang pangalan nya. Naubos ang kung ano mang pag ibig at respeto ang meron sya para sa akin. Pero nung nabawi ang kotse namin dahil hindi na kami makapagbayad sa bangko ng utang dahil sya lang ang nagtatrabaho sa aming dalawa, dun na nya na pagtanto na palayasin ako sa condo na aming tinitirhan.

Wala akong bahay, wala akong trabaho, wala akong pera. Hindi ako makauwi sa pamilya ko sa sobrang hiya. Dumating sa punto na kung saan saan ako natutulog mailipas lang ang gabi. Kung sino sinong kaibigan ang nilapitan ko sa araw araw para lang makakain. Hangang isang araw, wala ng gustong tumulong, wala ng gustong kumalinga. Dahil pati mga kaibigan ko, niloko ko. Napakawalang kwenta kong tao.

Just like the guy being featured on the show, I also knew what was wrong with me. I knew why everything happened and how it can be best avoided. Sabi ko nga, matalino ako. Kaya alam ko kung ano ang mga nagawa kong mali at ano ang mga dapat kong gawin. Ang problema, wala akong ginagawa. 

With all my talents and intelligence hindi ko alam bakit wala akong ginawa para baguhin at ayusin ang buhay ko. Pinabayaan ko na lang lahat. Para akong audience na walang magawa kung hindi panuorin na lang ang palabas at hayaang tumakbo ang istorya kung saan man ito patungo. Hindi ko alam bakit. Ive been asking myself that question for the past 10 years.

Today, I still live with my parents. I have a new boyfriend now. I'm slowly getting back on my feet. Yet for the love of everything that's good, I can't seem to keep a job. I just got fired from my previous company and now I'm living like a bum. I will be joining a new company next month but that means that I will be relying heavily on my current boyfriend to help me financially. Why did I get fire you might ask. Well, let's just say, history does repeat itself.

The FB Conundrum

I like books and movies. They're the absolute two must haves for me. And knowing what other people watch and read says more to me about who that person is compared to say, what they listen to or who their friends are.

I think I've made an impression to the people around me that I'm into this two things. I would also like to think that this fact is known to those who know me.That's why I am now in a spot where I am caught between pride and prejudice for I can't begin to fathom why of all people, was I not tagged to the the "book" and "movie" lists by my friends in FB.

(oh wait, I just figured out why. but more about that later)

I could ask the people why I wasn't tagged. Or better yet, I could just answer it as if I was tagged and tag those people who were feeling "left out" just like me. But of course, I won't do that. Too much pride. Fear of being ridiculed. And it's as if I brandished to the world my own coffin of social awkwardness and pity.

Too much prejudice. The thought of asking these people about the books they posted just to see if they did in fact read it so I can separate the fake from the genuine. Or perhaps, these so called "meme" of a list is nothing but another stunt for people to showcase their lack of respect for their own privacy. Whatever the reason may be and no matter how much I despise them, I still envy them. I still want to be accepted - albeit it's superficial.

And so, after all the long and winded excuse, explanation, extrapolation, and excessive use of words, here is the list that I so long desire to share with the world yet I won't but to leave it confined here, in my own small space in the world wide web.

The rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen films you've seen that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes.

1. Good Will Hunting

2. Armageddon

3. Mrs. Doubtfire

4. Bata Bata Paano Ka Ginawa

5. Man Of The Year

6. V For Vendetta

7. The Dark Knight

8. The Lord of the Rings - The Two Towers

9. Pacific Rim

10. Rurouni Kenshin

11. The Great Dictator

12. Scent of a Woman

13. The American President

14. The Talented Mr. Ripley

15. Pi

There you have it. The list of movies that stayed with me even after watching them. And as to the reason that I figured out why I wasn't tagged by the people who I thought knew that I love movies? Two reasons. First, I haven't made much impact on their lives for them to remember who and what I am. Second, they already knew how pathetic my choices would be compared to theirs.

A Tragic Comedy

Ever since I read Shakespeare I've come to accept that my life, and those of the people around me, are but a play of tragic comedy unfolding in epic proportions. It could be the fire that burned an entire village just to be found out later on that it was all caused by some kids playing with matches because their parents took away their toys.

Today, I will share my story. I was much impressed and inspired by Sepsep and Maktub that I've decided to share something for the first time. Their stories was of realism and reflectiveness. Of truth and pointedness. Things I've ran away from -- and now I come to realize that nobody knew me at all. Not my parents, not my partner, no one. Except perhaps, myself. I've hidden myself behind brick walls because I hated the person I've become. The filthy memories and the beast that I see in the mirror everyday is someone I do not want people to know. But today is the day I let them out. Even for just a few moments just so I can write about them here.

I came from a decent family. My parents came from well off families that they've learn to live an easy life. Too easy in fact that at the time of this writing, everything that was passed down to them was already squandered and we are left wanting. Even as a child, I've come to live with the fact that this will be my life. A life of wanting and needy. I promised myself growing up that I will not be like them. That I will strive hard to make sure that I will live a life completely different from them. But alas, the fruit didn't fall far from the tree.

I was a loner growing up. Not by choice but because my parents were afraid that if we go outside, we will mingle with "dirty" kids. I grew up having reservations with people because of this but it didn't take away my sympathy towards them. I want to help those "dirty" people to be "cleansed". How? I know not, only that I wanted to help. This will prove later on as my reason for agreeing with Hitler's Eugenics.

I wasn't able to finish college. This is the first time that I said it and will never utter it again. Whenever someone asks or whenever I seek employment, I always pretend that I was able to finish school. I can pull it off because of sheer confidence and articulate speech. But in reality, I'm nothing but a fraud. I spent all my the money my parents gave me for tuition buy whatever gadgetry my "friends" have so I can be "like" them. Though my friends never asked or pressured me into being like them, it was a self actualization that I forced myself to do the things that I did. No one is to blame but myself.

I almost didn't finish high school. I was a straight A student all my life until I reached the third year of my high school years. I never figured out why I started skipping classes. All I knew is that one day, I got tired of my lessons and started going to the arcade center. Luckily for me , even without studying, I was still able to pass my exams so I got to graduate though with almost failing marks.

During the time I was skipping classes, there was some financial problems at home. So, with my devious mind, I started to plan a heist in one of the malls I frequented when I was supposed to be at school. I was able to steal more than fifty thousand worth of call cards from one of the stores that the guard on duty lost his job. Everything worked according to plan. The only problem was I got greedy and tried it again a couple of months after my first heist. But this time around, the guards were alerted and I got caught. I had to give the cops about half of what I stole in order for them to release me but I had to stay inside a jail cell overnight. Oh, since nobody knows this and just in case I do have a police record, I tell people that I did spent the night in jail because I was protesting against the government. Little did they know the real story behind it.

......

This post is getting too long for my comfort so I will just continue it some other time. Though I haven't gotten yet to the part where I whored out my body for some cash and the time that I slept with a different person every day, I think I've shed some light to the monster that I am.

I am not looking for pity or attention. I am not looking for redemption. For the things that I did can never be forgiven by the people I've hurt nor by myself. I write because I want to write. I want to share something that I can not share. Not to lighten the load but to show a glimpse of who and what I am even under the guise of the anonymity of the internet.