A Poem For The Ages

 

I miss the days when I was young. Inspired and ambitious. I wanted to change the world.

 

I miss the days when I was innocent and naïve. Unyielding, uncompromising. I stood for what I believe in.

 

I miss the days when I was stronger. Agile and functional. I went to all the places that I wanted to go.

 

I miss the days when I was a man. Able to stand for my own, accepting my responsibility with pride.

 

I miss the days when I was me. Shy and curious. Willing to learn and to try but to timid to move.

 

I miss the days when I was with him. When it was all smiles and laughter. It was one the days that I can say I was happy. Those days are rare.

 

I miss the time when I was able to make him smile. The sound of his laughter and the way his eyes disappears every single time. It was an achievement of the highest order.

 

I miss the days when we fought or argued. Feelings were hurt but the honesty and love was there. It was one of those rare days that I could say, I was at least honest with myself.

 

But most of all, I miss him. I miss his face, I miss his touch. I miss his kiss, I miss his hugs. I miss voice, I miss his mind. I miss his warmth, I miss his joy. I miss him so bad it hurts...

I Just Commited Murder

 

OK, just to clear it up, I actually, didn't kill anyone... yet.

 

Earlier today, I became a blood donor. I've always wanted to do it. That's why even though the schedule for our office blood drive was way off my office schedule, I made an effort to be there, just so I can give some of my blood away.

 

That's a good deed right? Well, I'm not entirely sure.

 

Before they took my blood, they asked a bunch of questions that I didn't answer with complete honesty. In short, I lied.  That's how bad I want to experience this 'blood donation' thing. And in the course of doing so, I may have killed someone, in the near future.

 

One of the things that they asked was about medication. I told them it's been months since I last took one, but in reality, it's just been a couple of weeks. And it's not just any over the counter meds, they were antibiotics with penicillin content. They told me that I can't donate my blood until it's been a month from the last medication I took, so I lied. That means, there's a slight possibility that my blood still has some left over penicillin in them, and if the worse is to happen, that blood will be given to someone that's allergic to penicillin, boom, instant death.

 

I also lied about having any medical procedure. I had a tooth extraction recently, hence the reason for the medication. And in one of the question, they specifically asked about it because the anesthetic medication would take at least thirty days to circulate out of my body. And the anesthesia that I requested for my dentist to use why high grade, meaning it is definitely still in my system. Boom, another instant death.

 

Knowing the potential risk of killing someone with my 'bad blood', I still proceeded with the donation, without the knowledge of the PRC (Philippine Red Cross) or my office. The idea of killing someone was just so mundane for me,, when compared to finally experiencing the thrill of donating your own blood.

 

Call me a psycho. Call me a killer. It just doesn't matter.

 

I'm such an evil person :)

Another Boring Day At The Office

 

Another boring day in the office. I was browsing 9gag.com when I came across this post:

 

The first point touched too many nerves for my liking but I kept reading, because no matter how I feel about this post, it has a ring of truth in it. However, as one commenter expressed, words are easy, action is tough.

 

Numbers two to four is easy. I don't give a fuck about what people think even before when I was in school. That's why I don't have friends growing up. But whatever suffering and pain I've experienced before, it's all gone now, which proves number 3. And I think it's common knowledge that we're in charge of our own happiness, so that's a no brainer.

 

I would love to make peace with my past. I just can't. I don't think it's possible in my current situation. Number three says that the pain I inflicted on others would have already passed, given ample time, so the knowledge behind it is that we should forgive ourselves for our sins, I should forgive myself. Tough luck. If I do that, then there's a possibility that I will do the same thing to someone else. I'd rather suffer.

 

It's hard not to compare my life with those that's enjoying the fruits of their labors today. I tried not to compare. I tried not to look. But it's really trying. Knowing what I know, it just makes the first point so darn tough! I guess, we can connect number five and six together. Comparing comes with thinking. Over thinking that is. And I'm prone to that. I have to keep my mind in check to stop it from wandering. Another uphill battle but winning is possible. The trick is not to think.

 

And the last point. Smile. Laughter is easy but smile isn't. We smile because we're happy. We smile because we're at peace. It's hard for someone as conflicted as I am. But soon, I will smile, too. It's promise that I made to myself.

P360 - Day 006

'Not So Serious'

I spent the entire day cooped up in my room, hugging the bear that boyfie gave me while savoring the last hours of my rest before going back to work. It's been a total waste of man hours yet for some reason, I feel that it's not a waste at all. That for one reason for another, I actually achieved something. What's that though, I do not know. What I do know is that today was a good day for not being serious.

P360 - Day 005

'Sundate'

It's always been one of my dreams to have a lazy Sunday with boyfie. Just lounging in a sofa, munching on sandwiches we made, while watching TV. Who would've known that one of those three would happen today?! We made sandwiches together!

Yay!

Now, if we could just find a place were we can lounge in safety and discreetly, that will be awesome!

Overdue (Re)Introduction

Hello hello hello!

 

I've been planning on introducing myself, yet again, but there's been a lot of things that's going on recently that I had to prioritize. That being said, even though this post almost didn't make it to this blog today, I promised myself that today is the day that I put this here.

 

What is 'this' exactly? 'This' is a post containing information about yours truly, conducted in an interview fashion (by myself as well, such a loser!) in order to bring some semblance of order to this blog. So without further ado, here is my stunning, provocative, extremely overrated, self interview!

 

Hi, please tell us your name, age, location, occupation, and to those who believes in astrology, your star sign.

 

I'm JeKi, not my real name of course. 32 years old, not too old, not too young. Lives in the 'garbage city' part of the metro. Works as a callboy at night in one of the disputed areas between Makati and Taguig. I'm a Sagittarian.

 

Why JeKi?

 

JeKi is a word play, combining my name and my boyfie's name. That's also the name of our dog.

 

Tell us more about your boyfie.

 

Boyfie's hot. Obviously. You know me, I won't settle for anything less. But seriously though, in more than two years that we've been together, he's been the rock that anchored my boat to make sure that it survives the storm that I'm currently in. But enough about him. This post should be about me. I'll let him answer questions about himself in a post dedicated to him.

 

That's nice and sweet. If he's your rock, what are you to him?

 

His ass? Lelz, I kid. I would like to believe that I'm his partner, in all sense of the word. But you better ask him when you get the chance to interview him.

 

Alright, tell us something about yourself that you haven't shared to anyone, including this blog, that you think is interesting and worthwhile.

 

This one is tough. I pride myself as an open book, so all that I can think of right now are things that I've already shared with someone. So let me just share that very few people knows about me - I've been studying how to play a violin. It's both hard and expensive but whenever I see JunCurryAhn, I can't help but be inspired.

 

Violin huh? I thought you are not a musically inclined person?

 

I am not musically inclined but violin players are so hot. I mean, violins are so powerful and flexible that it seems all encompassing, it's transforming.

 

Wow. Alright. You like violins and violin players. Besides those two, what other things do you like?

 

Movies, TV series, Online games, Books, Board games, geeky stuff.

 

Describe your normal day.

 

I wake up, prep up, go to boyfie's house, if it's a workday, we'll go together since our offices are just near each other, if it's a rest day, we'll just hangout. Then go home, either play online games or read a book. Sleep. Repeat.

 

And since this post is already too long, this is the last question for now. Why write? Why blog? What do you get from doing it?

 

I write because I need to write. Writing is an outlet for me. Thoughts that I can't express or say, I write. It helps me cope. It allows me to be the person that I need to be. And I do it here because my handwriting sucks. As my grade school teacher once said "I don't write, I create art"

 

 

There we have it. Finally finished with a 'short' reintroduction. Until next time.

P360 - Day 002

'Empty Conversations'

another day came and went.. 
full of empty conversations...
 
and as I lay my head to rest, 
I keep glancing, I keep hoping...
that maybe, somehow, someway...
a conversation will begin... 

one of substance, one of heart and soul... 

for my day was filled with empty conversations...

Sensing Senses

It's no secret that those who loves movies also loves TV series. OK, not all. But I'm certainly one of those whose in the 'love' category. That's why whenever I have spare time, I scan torrent sites for new series that I can binge watch on a weekend. And I found one very exciting new series that I finished watching last weekend. All 12 episodes in one day. I know, noob. But hey, that's all they have on their first season!

 

I like stories where the protagonist is actually bad. Not "good bad", but "bad bad" (Frank Underwood) yet they're like unicorns so I had to settle with the "good bad" characters - House, Backstrom, the Winchesters, Patrick Jane, to name a few. And now, we can add a whole bunch of people, eight to be exact, to this "good bad" people. They are the Sensates (Sense8 is a series from Netflix)

 

According to Wikipedia, the plot revolves around eight strangers from different parts of the world who suddenly become mentally and emotionally linked. The show aims to explore subjects that its writers felt science fiction shows, at least ostensibly, tend to ignore or skim through such as politics, identity, sexuality, gender and religion.

 

I really didn't care for any of that because the first episode threw me on a loop because there's so much happening that I wasn't able to understand anything (I watched it while playing online games so my attention was split in half) but everything changed when I saw this guy.

 

 

He's Brian J. Smith and plays Will Gorski, a Chicago police officer and one of the Sensates, and is currently the object of my sexual desire. I mean, who wouldn't right? Just look at how he's biting his lips, rawr!

 

Then there's this guy. He reminds me of someone I know. I'm not into beards and hairy icky stuff but this guy just blew my mind. I guess, he's the exception to my rules. He's hot!

 

  

He's Alfonso Herrera, he plays Hernando, Lito's (another Sensate) lover. Yup, he's gay in this series and there's some NSFW actions that just blew me away. He's on screen chemistry with Lito is just pure magic. If there's one reason to watch this series, it's the Lito x Hernando love team! I'm already a fan!

 

 

 

Ahem. Alright. You got me. This is not a review. I just wanted to share this gorgeous guys here (as if this blog is not gay enough LOL!) I'll have the full write up about the series next week :D

 

 

But seriously, download and watch the series. It's entertaining.

Of Views And Perspectives

Not too long ago, I met a guy named Trip. We we're both bloggers and in a committed relationship and we both wrote about our sexual exploits, the parallelism ended there. We have different approach when it comes to writing and life in general. He often points out that though our blog contents were the same, his is leaning more towards morality and guidance while mine tends to just be that, pure, raw, lust. To be honest, I never really saw the moral in his posts. But hey, that's his opinion so that's that.

 

As time goes by, I started calling him "Master Trip" just for the heck of it. Other bloggers joined in and he started calling me his "Apprentice". Though I didn't plan on anything more than a mere empty jest, I got to admit, I actually liked the idea of being an apprentice. And so begins our mentor / mentee relationship.

 

He thought me how to become cynical. He would disagree, of course. He doesn't like being tagged as someone who teaches cynicism but that's the truth. He also taught me that everything is relative, and as such, truth is relative. My truth may be different from his truth, and so on. Kind of mind bending shit but it works. He made sure that I remain critical about everything and anything. And that every story has more than one version. You may have heard the saying that there's three version? Your version, Their version, and The Truth. Trip has a different approach. There's actually nine - Yours, What you think theirs is, Theirs, What they think yours is, What we want people to know, What they want people to know, What people perceive, What people believe, and What people would like you to believe. He taught me all of this things without actually teaching them to me. He just showed me the way. And for that, I looked at him as my life coach.

 

He also share his views on relationships and his version of what cheating is. Views that I share and agree to up to this day. It's a very long story. Maybe I'll save that for another time. I have a different side of the story that I wanted to share today.

 

As my life coach, he became the person that I go to for everything that happened to my life. relationship issues, work problems, family feuds, everything. We will just sit in his couch, drinking beer, him listening and me talking. It's always been like that. I've learned a lot. He was not selfish with his experience and knowledge. Though looking back, and I just realized this a few days ago, that there was one topic that he never shared with me. His own problems.

 

Today, I'm wondering why. Recently I've been given the chance to be a mentor myself. And I started sharing my own problems with the kids that I'm trying to guide. In my mind, this is needed to appear more human and gain more trust. But it also opens myself to pain and sadness. I wonder, is that the reason why Trip never crossed that line with me...

 

We haven't talked for a long time. There was an incident that shattered our bond. I plan to reach out to him soon. ask him why he never shared his problems and struggles with me. because right now, I'm confused and I needed some answers. and he's the only one who can answer them.

And So It Goes...

Ever wonder why some people always want to be around other people? I blame advertising and marketing for that. That made sure that when we here the word "alone" we would automatically assume that "loneliness" follows. One would disagree. After all, I'm a self proclaimed loner.

 

"I'm alone but I'm not lonely. I'm alone because I choose to be. I'm a loner."

 

Pretty cool line don't you think? Sounds like something a rock star or a cowboy would say. I've been saying that to a lot of people who misconstrued my lonesomeness to being lonely. I know lonely. I'm not lonely.

 

My brother and I were raised as sheltered kids. We're not allowed to go outside and play.  I did have fun with my little brother. After all, we only had each other to play with. I don't even remember making friends while in school. My mom always said that the neighborhood kids are bad people and we should not associate ourselves with them. If the neighborhood kids were bad, what more were these kids that live farther away, right? So I decided to keep to myself.

 

I met my first friend when I was 12 years old. A real boy I can play with that had the same interests that I do. Or so I thought. He's much more like my little brother. They both like music and art, I'm more into logic and puzzles. They're both into fun and games, I'm more into serious and adult stuff. I thought if I acted like an adult, I'll be treated more seriously and with respect. All I got was jeers and people not wanting to be my friend because I'm too serious. As my aunts and uncles put it, "the adult little boy".

 

I embraced being alone. I learned to love it, cherish it, accept it. I've decided that from that day onward, I will be alone but never lonely. I was 15.

 

Then I grew up. I hate growing up. Argh! Why do I have to grow up!?

 

I've met a lot of people. Some great, some, not so great. People with different personalities and different views in life. Some of them were loners too! And so begins a life, my life, with friends or as I would like to call it "the journey to not being alone".

 

And like how I embraced my lonesomeness, I welcome the warmth of companionship with open arms. I allowed myself to actually care for other people. I even loved, and continuous to love, some of them. As the song goes, I was just minding my own world without knowing what life and love is all about, and then they came, they took me out of my shelf, they brought the world to me, and without knowing, there I was so in love with them.

 

Oh if only the real world is like that. But it's not. Relationship ends. Hearts are broken. Pain. Suffering. Despair. Loneliness.

 

In all my years of being alone and then having someone to have dinner with, the most lonely, saddest part of my day, is eating alone. It's never the same...

"is it's so much easier to say you're antisocial, or claim that you just don't like people, or pretend that you just don't care anymore, than to admit how lonely and damaged you truly feel."

 

So we found ways to fill the gap. I turned to blogging and other social media platform. Sometimes I wished that the internet were available during my younger days. But then again, I would have written some really bad shit so I guess it's better this way.

 

 

 

P.S.

Here's a funny thought. All I ever wanted to write about today is why I decided to stop being part of the forum Pinoy Exchange. I guess I'll just write about that tomorrow :)

Of Angst and Anger

Angst

noun \ˈäŋ(k)st, ˈaŋ(k)st\

:  a feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity

- Merriam-Webster

 

I first encountered this word when I was about to alight the MRT. Some teenage girls were blocking my way so I said "excuse me" in my usual authoritative voice. They parted and let me through. When I had my back on them, one of them said to another, in a voice loud enough to be overheard: "ang daming angst lang".

 

Kids and their new word. Probably heard or read it somewhere. I smiled to myself as I walk away. I didn't know the meaning of the word but I can still remember the feeling I felt as I associated the word with anger. During those days, I can remember that I was always full of anger. I had no idea why but I'm basically angry about anything and everything. But upon hearing that word, it made me realize that I need to keep my temper in check and not to let it be evident in the way I speak. I tried and failed. Not more than a month passed after the MRT incident, as I was about to get off the elevator at work, a coworker said to me "wag ka masyado ma-angst". I was dumbfounded.

 

Yes, I could have said "excuse me" in a much more nicer way. I could have kept my mouth shut as someone tries to get past the line. Or I could speak out about anything and everything but without the angst in them (I'm using the word Angst here even though what I really mean is Anger because during the time, I really thought they are one and the same)

 

Ever since that fateful second incident, I was able to keep myself in check. I was able to learn how to control my voice and to keep my mouth shut. I was able to speak only after thinking it through. And I was able to communicate my disgust without the "angst". That's until 2 days ago.

 

 

Angry

adjective an·gry \ˈaŋ-grē\

 

: filled with anger : having a strong feeling of being upset or annoyed

: showing anger

: seeming to show anger : threatening or menacing

 

- Merriam-Webter

 

 

In the past couple of days, I've seen and heard myself becoming angry at the slightest provocation. Gone were the days of diplomacy and words of caution. The silvertongue that I've been using is now a thing of the past. Thinking about it makes me angry. Either I'm turning to The Hulk without the Gamma radiation or I'm just one sad individual who's lashing out to the world again, like in my teenage years. Ugh, how I hate myself.

 

As I write this, I'm trying to think back to the day that I lost my diplomatic touch. But as of right now, I really don't know. I really can't remember. I mean, it could be when boyfie stopped me from ranting whenever I'm with him, keeping my emotions bottled up. Or it could be when I got the rejection notice from a company I was trying to join and started plotting how I can get back at them. Or it could be the sad stories of people close to me and the inevitable feeling of being unable to help them. Or it could be the little things that I tend to ignore, piling up until they're too heavy to carry. It could be any one of these or none of these at all. I really don't know. I wish I can say that I don't really care. But this time, I do care. Maybe that's the reason behind the anger. Caring.

 

I've allowed myself to care for people. Something that I've tried to avoid for a very long time. I've even learned not to care for the fate of my own family. I don't even care for myself. Because having someone to care for, to love, who cares for you and loves you in return, it affects you, it changes you. It makes you want to protect them, even angry at yourself for not being able to. Anger that can make you lash out from time to time. Because caring, loving, it gives you a reason to lower down your defenses, show your true self, and even share a part of you with them. That's very dangerous. It's very risky. It's also very worth it.

 

 

Irony Much?

Writing is hard. This is the fifth draft that I made tonight. I deleted the first four because I hate the fact that they contain nothing but blah, blah, blah, me, me, me.

 

When I write, or at least try to write, I follow the "Forrester Way" of writing that I got from the movie Finding Forrester.

 

                "No thinking - that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart.

                You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is... to write, not to think!"

- William Forrester -

 

And so I hack and peck the keyboard, typing continuously, letting the information flow. Then come back, read the draft from top to bottom, and relentlessly correct and edit each part. Tiring work but it's very effective.

 

Today, I will stray from that path and just say what I want to write about. Instead of writing stories and try to relate it in some convoluted way to what point I'm trying to get across, as if to appear mysterious and knowledgeable, I will say it plain and simple. I want to write why I am not a happy person.

 

I am not happy because I choose not to be happy. Like everything in this world, being happy is also a choice. I just choose not to be. Don't I think I deserve to be happy? I have to admit, there are those days that I thought I should be... that I could. Only to realize that I mustn't. Someone like me doesn't deserve to be happy. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to be miserable. I deserve to die.

 

But of course, nobody wants to be around all that negativity. Couple that with my need for human interaction from time to time, I've learned to put on a mask. A façade, if you will. I became someone else. Someone optimistic and with a sense of humor. Someone who laughs and has a smiling eyes. Someone who I taught people would like. Pathetic little me.

 

Now don't get me wrong. I do not write these things to get self pity. Take your pity and give it to someone else worth it. I do not need pity. I do not want it. But I do need some answers...

 

Writing these words made me wonder. Why, after more than 20 years of putting on the mask, did I decide to "out" myself? Why did I leave myself vulnerable and allowed people to glean the person behind the mask? I do not know the answers. First, I thought it was because I was being careless. Then I thought my mask is full of cranks and chinks that people are seeing through it already so there's no use to hide behind it. I really don't know. All I know is that lately, I've open up myself to this blog and to a few people. Very uncharacteristic of me. I shared too much information about myself in the last month than I shared in the last two years. What's happening to me?

The Dark Ages

Iba talaga nagagawa ng sobrang free time, lalo na sa work. Nakatungaga sa harapan ng computer, nagpapatay ng oras. Sobrang sayang sa talento ang trabaho ko ngayon pero magaan at maluwag ang mga Gawain. Kaya kahit wala pa sa kalahati ng sinasahod ko dati ang kinikita ko buwanan, pwede na. Ang importante lang naman sa akin, may hanapbuhay akong matatawag at may pera akong naiuuwi sa bahay. Nakaktawag. Parang wala akong pangarap sa buhay kung titingnan ang buhay ko ngayon. Marahil dahil naranasan ko na halos lahat ng gusto ko maranasan. Halos lahat. May iilan pa siguro akong gusto maranas bago ako pumanaw. Pero yung mga yun ay mga pawang luho na lamang. Kaya siguro hindi ko na din sila iniisip masyado.

 

Gusto ko umakyat ulit ng bundok. Medyo matagal tagal na din ng huli akong nakaakyat. Hindi na masyado kaya ng katawan ko ngayon. Marami ng iniinda. Gusto ko tumakbo ulit sa marathon. Pero kagaya ng una, hindi na din kaya. Gusto ko maranasan ang sky diving. Masyadong mahal at sobrang luho na sya sa buhay kaya hindi ko na lang iniisip. Gusto ko din subukan ang gun range at archery range. Pero kagaya ng sky diving, sobrang luho ang tingin ko sa kanila kaya tama ng manatili silang pangarap.

 

Naalala ko bigla yung panahon na kaya ko gawin lahat ng gusto ko. May sobra sobra akong pera at lakas ng katawan para gawin ang gusto ko. Sa sobrang tiwala ko sa sarili at sa katigasan ng ulo ko, pinagpilitan kong gawin ang mga gusto kong gawin kesa sa mga kailangan kong gawin. Nalulong ako sa sugal at sa panglalalake. Hangang sa naubos lahat. Hangang sa nawalang lahat. Nasa isip ko noon, madali lang kumita ng pera at dapat habang bata, magpakasaya ako. Hindi ko naisip na dapat pala, habang bata, dapat mag impok ako. Para pagtanda, doon ako mageenjoy. Dahil pagtanda, doon ako maraming oras. Sabi nga nila, nasa huli ang pagsisisi.

 

Pagsisisi. Ah, yan siguro ang dahilan kung bakit hangang ngayon hindi ko mapatawad sarili ko sa mga kasalanan nagawa ko sa ibang tao. Yung mga kasalanan ko kasi sa sarili ko hindi ko na iniisip. Pero yung sakit na nagawa ko sa iba, yun siguro ang hinding hindi ko kayang bigyan patawad ang sarili ko. Biruin mo, tumagal ang relasyon ko noon sa ka-live in ko ng mahigit tatlong taon na umaasa lang ako sa kanya. Sya ang bumubuhay sa aming dalawa. Alam kong nahihirapan na sya, alam kong nasasaktan na sya, pero wala akong ginawa. Ilang beses nya ko binigyan ng pagkakataon para bumangon pero binalewala ko lang lahat. Nagpalipat lipat akong trabaho kasi gusto ko "big time" ako ulit agad-agad. Pero ang pinakamasakit na ginawa ko sa kanya, alam kong hindi ko na sya mahal pero pinatagal ko ang relasyon namin. Masyado na kasi akong naging kumportable na kasama sya sa buhay na hindi ko na inisip ang sarili nyang kaligayahan. Iniisip ko na lang noon, maligaya naman sya sa akin kaya ayos na yun. Alam kong niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko pero parang mas mabuti na yun kesa iwan sya at lalong mawalan ako ng tutulong sa akin.

 

Bukod sa kanya, ilang kaibigan din ang niloko ko. Isa sa kanila ang kaibigan kong blogger na taga Saudi. Naikwento ko sa kanya ang problema namin sa pera ng kinakasama ko noon. Nagpasya syang tumulong dahil mukha naman daw akong mabuting tao. Kahit masakit sa loob ko, tinangap ko ang paunang tulong nya. Pero ng maubos ko yun sa sugal, kung ano anong dahilan ang inimbento ko para lang makahu ng pera sa kanya. Halos buwan buwan nagpapadala sya ng pera sa akin. At tuwing magpapadala sya, pinapatalo ko lang sa sugal. Puro ako pangako sa sarili ko at sa kanya na babayaran ko sya, na may inaantay lang akong "deal" na matapos at magkakapera ako ng malaki. Alam ko naman na pangloloko yun pero tinuloy tuloy ko lang. Nasa isip ko noon, kung mananalo ako ng malaki sa sugal, tapos lahat ng problema ko. Kaso, hindi nangyari. Huli na ng matangap ko na talagang walang nananalo sa sugal. Umabot sa mahigit tatlong daang libo ang nakuha ko sa kanya na sana'y pampagawa nya ng bahay ng magulang nya. Napakawala kong kwentang tao. At kung tatanungin mo ngayon kung nakakabawas ba ako kahit paunti unti sa mga utang ko sa kanya? Syempre 'hindi' ang sagot ko. Hindi lang dahil ayaw na nya ko makausap at makita. Hindi ko din naman sya kayang bayaran sa ngayon kahit paunti unti. Dahil sa ngayon, yung ibang taong pinagkunan ko ng malaking halaga noon ang inuuna ko bayaran. Yan ay kung may natitira sa sinasahod ko pagkatapos ko gumastos ng parang walang utang.

 

Gusto ko bang magbago? Syempre gusto. Pero naniniwala kasi ako na walang taong tunay na nagbabago. Maari tayong magkunwari na nagbago, mag adjust, mag adopt, sa kung ano mang sitwasyon natin sa buhay, kagaya ng ginagawa ko araw-araw. Pero sa paglubog ng araw at sa pagharap natin sa salamin, alam natin na ang mukhang nakikita natin ay isang hayop, isang halimaw, na aksaya lang sa espasyo sa mundo at dapat ng mamatay. Siguro, kapag namatay ako, baka sakali, mabawasan ang galit ng mga taong nasaktan ko sa akin.

Choices

I always thought of myself as someone who knows what he needs to know. I guess that's the reason why I love that quote from the movie Scent of A Woman, immortalized by the great Al Pacino...

"Now I have come to the cross-roads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew, but I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard." - Lt. Col. Frank Slade

I don't know if I've written anything related to this quote before. I don't really care. Because right now, today, not yesterday, is what's important. Because today, I can finally write something again. Something that I thought I could never write again.

Choices. That's all it is. Everyday, we face choices that would either lead to our happiness or detriment. Choices that could harm others or keep them safe. Choices that once made, can never be undone. Choices. Life or death. Sickness or health. Choices.

People keep on saying that life is complicated. I disagree. It is not. Because at the end of the day, it all boils down into making choices. It's not even about making the right choice. There's really no right or wrong. There's only legal and illegal. All we have to do is choose.

I've made my choice a long time ago. A choice that led me to the path where I am right now. The path of suffering and pain. A path made of continuous peril. All because I chose to live "in the moment". I chose to do what I want and not what I needed.

 

While still in school, getting all As, I could have chosen the path of excellence. I could have chosen the right path - to stay in school and get my degree. The choice was in my hand. Literally and figuratively. I held the tuition fee money right there. But I decided to do what I wanted instead of what I need. I decided to live in the moment and be happy. Knowing full well that being happy then means suffering in the future. I already knew that but I just closed my eyes, said "fuck it" and soldier on.

 

For four years, I kept making the same decision over and over again. I could have stopped anytime and enroll but I didn't. Not that I couldn't but I just simply don't want to. Was it fear of ridicule or of something else? I don't think so. I was young and carefree without a fear in the world. All I know is that by the time they discover what I did, I'll be dead. I'll be gone. And the consequences of my action will be avoided.

 

But Life has something else for me. I was given jobs after jobs. Good, honest, well paying jobs. But I couldn't keep them. Whether it's because I decided to drown myself with bad vices or I just decided that I do not deserve such comfort. Honestly, I can't remember why I did it but I do know that I made a conscious decision that will put my job in jeopardy. And the people I worked with gave me countless attempts to redemption. I could have done it. I could have straighten up and become successful as they are now. Maybe it won't hurt that much when I see their success in FB. But I just laughed inside and continued what I was doing wrong. What a waste of talent and oxygen. I should have died when I was young.

 

As if giving me jobs to pick myself up out of the ditch that I dug myself in is not enough, I was also given friends that will help and support me. Great friends that to this day, are baffled at how I could have screwed up something so solid. That, and how I managed to deplete their bank accounts by continuously asking them for financial aid. I comforted myself that by naming them as beneficiary to my life insurance, I could somehow repay them. But I know better. I'm screwing them over for trusting me. I'm destroying the only thing that I have left. Reputation and trust. Well, at least the façade that I created that people adored. What a shame.

 

I was also not lacking in the love department. I have loved and been loved. They say that was the greatest achievement of all. You know what's  the worst achievement? It's not taking the love and shitting on it while destroying their names and reputation. It's not making the person you love cry. Nor is it making promises after promises while knowing full well that you won't be able to keep them. The worst achievement is not dying in spite knowing that you'll just hurt everyone you love with every breath you take.

 

I hate myself. I loathe the person I see in the mirror everyday. I want to kill the beast before it could hurt other people. Because for people like me, who've made their own bed of nails, there's no more redemption. I've given up hope.

 

Then I met this kid. He's a good kid. He thinks he knows everything. Which makes me laugh sometimes. I see a young me. Innocent and full of hope. But he's in the crossroads too. I could nudge him to the right path or could just sit and wait for him to follow on my footsteps. Because who am I to stop people from making the same mistakes I did? Who am I to say anything? I am no one. I am nothing.

 

"...Now here's Charlie. He's come to the cross-roads. He has chosen a path. It's the right path. It's a path made of principle that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey." - Lt. Col. Frank Slade

 

 

Kiddo, I know you'll read this. You don't see it yet but your going the same way I am. I might look like a good future, but trust me, it's not. I'm not.

 

 

"If I wanted you to be like me, I would be urging you to make a stupid, stubborn decision that blows up your life and leaves you lonely and miserable." - Gregory House, MD

 

"Life is pain! I wake up every morning, I'm in pain! I go to work in pain! Do you know how many times I wanted to just give up?! How many times I thought about ending it?!" - Gregory House, MD

 

Bukas, Blonde Na Ako!

 

  

habang naglalamyerda sa fezbuko ang lolo mo, nawindang ang beauty ko sa nasightsung ko! Jiritaton to the highest level! Wit talaga akiz makapaniwala pero pero pero trulili daw itetch!

 

 

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ang tarush ni ate! holding hands kyeme kyeme in public with the ever poging boy of my dreams! punyenta! asan ang hustisya! hahahaha oo nga bitter ocampo na ang lolo nyo. Kasi naman teh, tingnan mo naman si kuya, sya nakahawak kay ateng. SYA! Kakaloka! hahaha

spluk ni chichay, ang pokpokitang kasama ko sa parlor, nung nasight nya ang picturet, "Kuya ang wafu nga nya pero pero pero sure akiz na jutay ang tweety bird nyan hihihi" "Oo nga, baka may baktol si kuya o di kaya may tinatagong lihim na si ateng lang ang nakakaalam. Kapag tumingin yan sa akin titingnan ko talaga ang fez at eyes nya baka nanghihingi ng saklolo hihihi" "Oh di kaya kuya, baka alive alive yan tapos dinukot nya si ateng para pagexperimentuhan kung paano maeksorsis ang pagkabuhok mais nya hahaha" "Nyahahaha plangak! Pasok sa banga! Sight mo ang mga mata ni ateng, parang hindi mapakali! Parang naghahanap ng magbabakasaling tumulong sa kanya." "May tama ka kuya! Tapos kapag may tumulong, jujombagin nya kasi keri na maeksorsis basta ba ganyan ka-hot ang whattemen hihihi"

Kung makalait ang pokpokita wagas, palibhasa ingeterang froglet sya. Knowsline naman kasi namin na wit kami makaka fish ng kagaya ni kuya kahit na magplanking kami sa EDSA. Para sayo ateng, we're happy for you! Kapag nagsawa ka, wag kakalimutan, nanditech lang kami hihihi

 



Conversation Conversion

 

Hi. It's been a while. How are you?

 

Haller! Kebs lang ang peg. Witchikels nasightsung ang fabulosang nyolikula ni fafa Paul pero keribels lang teh.

 

Huh?

 

Ay, bobo ka teh? Di marunong umintindi ng tagalog?

 

Uhm, yeah... OK. So how's your lovelife?

 

Boom! Lovelife agad ang tanong? May poot at pagiimbot? Wit ng itanong ang ganyang mga bagelya wirishima naman may pangyayari! Kakaimbei ka teh.

 

Alright, no lovelife, how about sex life?

 

Wit lang may ganap waley na lablayf? Assuming lang? Nagmamaasim?

 

No, no. I mean, I was just asking...

 

No, no mo puke mong green! hauff to. Oo nga, akez na ang katuyot tuyotan to the highest bitak bitak level kasi walang dilig pero pero pero, I hab a lablayf haller!!!

 

So, you have someone but you don't engage in coitus with him?

 

Aray ko, nosebleed ka teh. anong koytus koytus pinagsasabi mo? baka gusto mong koytusan kita dyan.

 

Coitus is sex

 

Weh di spluk mo ganun. Sex. Sex. Kangkangan. Iyutan. Diligan. Sex. Sex. Sey eyt. Sex.

 

Sex.

 

Ayan. Ganern. Pero waley sex teh. At bago mo pa itanong kung may love making kami ni labidabs, waley din. Kaya lagi akong imbernadette sebrano. Namputchang lablayf to, walang perks!

 

Ah so you call him that? Labidabs?

 

Yesterday! May tama ka!

 

Alright, moving on. What are you doing here?

 

Ayan tayo eh, may poot na naman. Kulang ka sa sex teh. Divekels pweds na anditech akiz kasi miss kita?

 

No.

 

Tarush! Plang! Pak! Ikaw na ang kabanal banalan. Anywei, gokungwei, nanditey akiz kasi may I announce ang lolo mo ng pagbubukas ng parlor kez. Yiz! Dizizit pancit! Ang pangarap na parlor kez, nanditey na! Ohdavah! Ang tarush lang?!

 

You have a parlor?

 

Ay, teh, pogi ka nga bobo ka naman, bingi pa. Kakaspluk ko lang teh. may parlor akeiz. Linis linis din ng tutule pag may time.

 

What made you decide to open a parlor?

 

Ganitey yan teh, makinig kasi wit ko na itey uulitin. I remember yesterday, the world was still young, uso pa nun ang Cerelac at United American Tiki Tiki. Panahon itey ng pagdadalaga ng mga boyband, at ang internet ay prepaid pa na 56kbps ang bilis. Ganitembang ang panahon, makulimlim, kumikidlat. Ng biglang kumulog, umulan, at nagbukas ang parlor ni Wanda, ang aking propesora sa kagandahan. Kakalungkot kasi wit na bukas ang parlor ni kuya. Kaya naisip kez na bakit sya lang? bakit hindi din akiz? Keri ko ba magspread ng kagandahan? Feelingera akiz kaya yiz ang sagot ko dyan. Kaya, heto akiz, standing in front of a boy, asking him to... to... huy! Bumalik ka dito! Di pa ko tapos magkwento!

Not Your Ordinary Tuesday

When I got to the gym last Tuesday, there wasn't much people. Which is actually good because I can do the workouts that I can never do when someone is already hogging a station. As I was changing in the locker, Red and Blue came in. They're already in their gym clothes so they just placed their valuables in the locker and went out. After them, came in White. He immediately stripped down to his underwear, without a care to the world, and changed to his gym clothes. He then quickly went out as if he's after the cute couple. I followed suit shortly.

 

White is a young professional, who likes wearing white. Hence, the name. He has a very athletic built and an exotic Asian face. What sets him apart is his glow. Yes, he glows. With skin as smooth as silk, and as flawless as porcelain, I'm sure if I get to touch and feel it, it would be like those of a baby - supple, soft, tender. He's the kind of guy that we seldom refer to as a "head turner".

 

Red is model, I think. I 'm not sure about his nationality but I think he's American. With stormy grey eyes and a shock of sandy blonde hair, he's definitely an eye candy.
He always sport a red top with  arm holes that goes to his waist. That's why the oglers can very well see his lean cut body, and his pinkish nipple. I heard some people refer to him as a Greek god.

Blue is Red's boyfriend. I think he's a model too. He has this pinkish to red lips and a five o'clock shadow that compliments his steely black eyes and puts emphasis on his squared jaw. If Red is a Greek god for some, for me, Blue is Apollo incarnate. One could even make a case that he's Narcissus or Adonis, because of his chiseled body and towering height. Yes, he's that hot. And like you guessed, he likes wearing blue tops.

 

I went to the dumbbell section and sat on a corner, trying to focus on what I'm supposed to be doing. Red and Blue joined me in the section but sat to the other side of the room, as if they already know what kind of distraction they could bring to a powerless human, like me. As soon as they are seated, four more people joined us. They sat in the middle of the section. They are like the sharks in the ocean that separates Blue and Red  from me. We're all lined in front of this giant mirror so we can all see that we're doing the exercise correctly, or so it would seem. From where I was sitting, it was very evident that the four "sharks" are just there to look at the couple. Yes, they're working out but only with minimal effort so that they won't be distracted from the show. Who can blame them? I won't.

 

As I was going through my dumbbell routine, Red stood in front of the mirror, lifted his shirt as if to check his abs. Time seem to stopped. The sharks stopped what they were doing and just looked at Red's abs in the mirror. The silence made Red conscious so he turned his back from the four and went back to his routine. I almost chuckled at the reaction Red got. Then, as if it was a competition, Blue lifted his shirt too. The ocean parted. The world stopped. And the sharks, who were contended to just see Red's abs reflection in the mirror, looked at Blue's directly. Oblivious. Obnoxious. I wanted to bash their heads with a dumbbell. How dare they look at him? He's mine! Well, at least, in my head.

 

Red seems to notice the commotion Blue's abs is causing so he tapped his shoulders to stop. And he did. But Red is pure evil and I hate him. When Blue turned to face him, he lifted Blue's shirt and touched his abs in front of us. He touched his abs! In front of us! He dare! I wanted to revolt, I wanted to kick is tight bubble shape ass! When I heard Blue chuckle at what Red was doing, it was enough for me. Even though I'm not yet done with my exercise, I left the section before I kill someone.

 

I transferred to the cable section so I salvage what time I have left for a proper exercise. But it seems Fate is playing his dice yet again. Blue and Red transferred to the abs section that's just near my area. Oh my! What temptation this couple is bringing! So instead of looking in their general direction, I focused on what's in front of me. There's White, sweating like a sex machine, running on the treadmill, looking towards... son of a biscuit! of course, he's looking at Red and Blue as they lift their legs in the air, showing everyone what powerful legs they have. Legs that you can sit on for hours and they won't complain. Legs that can help their thrust to be deep and powerful... Argh! Enough!

 

I decided then to finish up with the cable before anything more temptation comes my way. I turned my back from them but that brings White to my sight. How the hell does he manage to look so fresh even though he's full of sweat? And those skin of  his, they're just perfect. Ah, I'm getting distracted again. And so I lifted, I pulled, I pushed, and as I was about to finish, Blue stood, put his hands in his shorts, and repositioned his stick. I dropped the weights with a bang but that didn't catch his attention. There's already a commotion in the treadmill area. Someone seems to have lost his focus and fell from the machine. It was White.

 

I hate Tuesdays.

A Tragic Comedy

Ever since I read Shakespeare I've come to accept that my life, and those of the people around me, are but a play of tragic comedy unfolding in epic proportions. It could be the fire that burned an entire village just to be found out later on that it was all caused by some kids playing with matches because their parents took away their toys.

Today, I will share my story. I was much impressed and inspired by Sepsep and Maktub that I've decided to share something for the first time. Their stories was of realism and reflectiveness. Of truth and pointedness. Things I've ran away from -- and now I come to realize that nobody knew me at all. Not my parents, not my partner, no one. Except perhaps, myself. I've hidden myself behind brick walls because I hated the person I've become. The filthy memories and the beast that I see in the mirror everyday is someone I do not want people to know. But today is the day I let them out. Even for just a few moments just so I can write about them here.

I came from a decent family. My parents came from well off families that they've learn to live an easy life. Too easy in fact that at the time of this writing, everything that was passed down to them was already squandered and we are left wanting. Even as a child, I've come to live with the fact that this will be my life. A life of wanting and needy. I promised myself growing up that I will not be like them. That I will strive hard to make sure that I will live a life completely different from them. But alas, the fruit didn't fall far from the tree.

I was a loner growing up. Not by choice but because my parents were afraid that if we go outside, we will mingle with "dirty" kids. I grew up having reservations with people because of this but it didn't take away my sympathy towards them. I want to help those "dirty" people to be "cleansed". How? I know not, only that I wanted to help. This will prove later on as my reason for agreeing with Hitler's Eugenics.

I wasn't able to finish college. This is the first time that I said it and will never utter it again. Whenever someone asks or whenever I seek employment, I always pretend that I was able to finish school. I can pull it off because of sheer confidence and articulate speech. But in reality, I'm nothing but a fraud. I spent all my the money my parents gave me for tuition buy whatever gadgetry my "friends" have so I can be "like" them. Though my friends never asked or pressured me into being like them, it was a self actualization that I forced myself to do the things that I did. No one is to blame but myself.

I almost didn't finish high school. I was a straight A student all my life until I reached the third year of my high school years. I never figured out why I started skipping classes. All I knew is that one day, I got tired of my lessons and started going to the arcade center. Luckily for me , even without studying, I was still able to pass my exams so I got to graduate though with almost failing marks.

During the time I was skipping classes, there was some financial problems at home. So, with my devious mind, I started to plan a heist in one of the malls I frequented when I was supposed to be at school. I was able to steal more than fifty thousand worth of call cards from one of the stores that the guard on duty lost his job. Everything worked according to plan. The only problem was I got greedy and tried it again a couple of months after my first heist. But this time around, the guards were alerted and I got caught. I had to give the cops about half of what I stole in order for them to release me but I had to stay inside a jail cell overnight. Oh, since nobody knows this and just in case I do have a police record, I tell people that I did spent the night in jail because I was protesting against the government. Little did they know the real story behind it.

......

This post is getting too long for my comfort so I will just continue it some other time. Though I haven't gotten yet to the part where I whored out my body for some cash and the time that I slept with a different person every day, I think I've shed some light to the monster that I am.

I am not looking for pity or attention. I am not looking for redemption. For the things that I did can never be forgiven by the people I've hurt nor by myself. I write because I want to write. I want to share something that I can not share. Not to lighten the load but to show a glimpse of who and what I am even under the guise of the anonymity of the internet.