KMN

I haven't written anything for a while. I mean to write but I just can't put pen to paper the way I used to be. And it's because I didn't want to write to begin with. I was under the impression that if I didn't write, then it'll just be inside me, and soon, it'll die a natural death. But the longer it goes, the more it corrupts everything in me. And I'm afraid that if I didn't do anything about it now, I won't be able to recognize myself the next morning.

 

I made a mistake of trusting myself.

 

I've been in this world for more than three decades and I've seen a lot of things growing up. I even experienced most of those things. That's why I was pretty confident that I know everything there is to expect, and in hindsight, I did know. It's just that even though I knew what would happened, I still took the risk. I still gambled. And it resulted in something that I thought is no longer possible.

 

I hate myself more than I could possibly hate myself for.

 

Who would have thought that someone as cynical, pathetic, pragmatic, pessimistic, and downright wasted as I am, that I could hope for something better for myself. I actually believed that there's a rainbow after this shitty storm that's currently drenching my life. I actually believed. I actually hoped. I actually saw redemption.

 

Then I fell... hard.

 

It's nobody else's fault but myself. I allowed myself to feel something that I shouldn't in the first place. I opened myself up and brought down my walls. I showed my true self. And in return, I actually thought that I was doing the right thing. And no, I didn't do all of that because I already felt what I felt. No. I did that because I thought it was the right thing to do. Apparently, I was wrong. Because in doing so, I felt something.

 

Goodbye is never easy.

 

I had to pull myself up. I had to turn my back away. I had to do something, anything, to avoid anymore pain. I could endure hurting myself, both physically, emotionally, and mentally, but I could never forgive myself for hurting the people that I care about. And so I have to leave. I had to say my goodbyes. Because staying will only mean hurting them. Yes, I know, leaving could hurt them, too. But the pain is lesser compared to my staying. Because I know myself. I'm an evil person. And I will not stop to get what I want as long as I am around. So I have to leave. I have to go.

 

Redemption is not what I'm after.

 

It might sounded as a good deed, me leaving. Maybe good for the people involved but definitely not for myself. Because this here, leaving, it's killing me. Slowly, painfully. And something inside me dies in every passing second. When the clock strikes twelve, there will be nothing inside me anymore. Nothing to redeem. Nothing to live.

 

 

 

I fell hard.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

Now it's time to get up.

Irony Much?

Writing is hard. This is the fifth draft that I made tonight. I deleted the first four because I hate the fact that they contain nothing but blah, blah, blah, me, me, me.

 

When I write, or at least try to write, I follow the "Forrester Way" of writing that I got from the movie Finding Forrester.

 

                "No thinking - that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart.

                You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is... to write, not to think!"

- William Forrester -

 

And so I hack and peck the keyboard, typing continuously, letting the information flow. Then come back, read the draft from top to bottom, and relentlessly correct and edit each part. Tiring work but it's very effective.

 

Today, I will stray from that path and just say what I want to write about. Instead of writing stories and try to relate it in some convoluted way to what point I'm trying to get across, as if to appear mysterious and knowledgeable, I will say it plain and simple. I want to write why I am not a happy person.

 

I am not happy because I choose not to be happy. Like everything in this world, being happy is also a choice. I just choose not to be. Don't I think I deserve to be happy? I have to admit, there are those days that I thought I should be... that I could. Only to realize that I mustn't. Someone like me doesn't deserve to be happy. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to be miserable. I deserve to die.

 

But of course, nobody wants to be around all that negativity. Couple that with my need for human interaction from time to time, I've learned to put on a mask. A façade, if you will. I became someone else. Someone optimistic and with a sense of humor. Someone who laughs and has a smiling eyes. Someone who I taught people would like. Pathetic little me.

 

Now don't get me wrong. I do not write these things to get self pity. Take your pity and give it to someone else worth it. I do not need pity. I do not want it. But I do need some answers...

 

Writing these words made me wonder. Why, after more than 20 years of putting on the mask, did I decide to "out" myself? Why did I leave myself vulnerable and allowed people to glean the person behind the mask? I do not know the answers. First, I thought it was because I was being careless. Then I thought my mask is full of cranks and chinks that people are seeing through it already so there's no use to hide behind it. I really don't know. All I know is that lately, I've open up myself to this blog and to a few people. Very uncharacteristic of me. I shared too much information about myself in the last month than I shared in the last two years. What's happening to me?

Bukas, Blonde Na Ako!

 

  

habang naglalamyerda sa fezbuko ang lolo mo, nawindang ang beauty ko sa nasightsung ko! Jiritaton to the highest level! Wit talaga akiz makapaniwala pero pero pero trulili daw itetch!

 

 

•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  

 

ang tarush ni ate! holding hands kyeme kyeme in public with the ever poging boy of my dreams! punyenta! asan ang hustisya! hahahaha oo nga bitter ocampo na ang lolo nyo. Kasi naman teh, tingnan mo naman si kuya, sya nakahawak kay ateng. SYA! Kakaloka! hahaha

spluk ni chichay, ang pokpokitang kasama ko sa parlor, nung nasight nya ang picturet, "Kuya ang wafu nga nya pero pero pero sure akiz na jutay ang tweety bird nyan hihihi" "Oo nga, baka may baktol si kuya o di kaya may tinatagong lihim na si ateng lang ang nakakaalam. Kapag tumingin yan sa akin titingnan ko talaga ang fez at eyes nya baka nanghihingi ng saklolo hihihi" "Oh di kaya kuya, baka alive alive yan tapos dinukot nya si ateng para pagexperimentuhan kung paano maeksorsis ang pagkabuhok mais nya hahaha" "Nyahahaha plangak! Pasok sa banga! Sight mo ang mga mata ni ateng, parang hindi mapakali! Parang naghahanap ng magbabakasaling tumulong sa kanya." "May tama ka kuya! Tapos kapag may tumulong, jujombagin nya kasi keri na maeksorsis basta ba ganyan ka-hot ang whattemen hihihi"

Kung makalait ang pokpokita wagas, palibhasa ingeterang froglet sya. Knowsline naman kasi namin na wit kami makaka fish ng kagaya ni kuya kahit na magplanking kami sa EDSA. Para sayo ateng, we're happy for you! Kapag nagsawa ka, wag kakalimutan, nanditech lang kami hihihi

 



Not Your Ordinary Tuesday

When I got to the gym last Tuesday, there wasn't much people. Which is actually good because I can do the workouts that I can never do when someone is already hogging a station. As I was changing in the locker, Red and Blue came in. They're already in their gym clothes so they just placed their valuables in the locker and went out. After them, came in White. He immediately stripped down to his underwear, without a care to the world, and changed to his gym clothes. He then quickly went out as if he's after the cute couple. I followed suit shortly.

 

White is a young professional, who likes wearing white. Hence, the name. He has a very athletic built and an exotic Asian face. What sets him apart is his glow. Yes, he glows. With skin as smooth as silk, and as flawless as porcelain, I'm sure if I get to touch and feel it, it would be like those of a baby - supple, soft, tender. He's the kind of guy that we seldom refer to as a "head turner".

 

Red is model, I think. I 'm not sure about his nationality but I think he's American. With stormy grey eyes and a shock of sandy blonde hair, he's definitely an eye candy.
He always sport a red top with  arm holes that goes to his waist. That's why the oglers can very well see his lean cut body, and his pinkish nipple. I heard some people refer to him as a Greek god.

Blue is Red's boyfriend. I think he's a model too. He has this pinkish to red lips and a five o'clock shadow that compliments his steely black eyes and puts emphasis on his squared jaw. If Red is a Greek god for some, for me, Blue is Apollo incarnate. One could even make a case that he's Narcissus or Adonis, because of his chiseled body and towering height. Yes, he's that hot. And like you guessed, he likes wearing blue tops.

 

I went to the dumbbell section and sat on a corner, trying to focus on what I'm supposed to be doing. Red and Blue joined me in the section but sat to the other side of the room, as if they already know what kind of distraction they could bring to a powerless human, like me. As soon as they are seated, four more people joined us. They sat in the middle of the section. They are like the sharks in the ocean that separates Blue and Red  from me. We're all lined in front of this giant mirror so we can all see that we're doing the exercise correctly, or so it would seem. From where I was sitting, it was very evident that the four "sharks" are just there to look at the couple. Yes, they're working out but only with minimal effort so that they won't be distracted from the show. Who can blame them? I won't.

 

As I was going through my dumbbell routine, Red stood in front of the mirror, lifted his shirt as if to check his abs. Time seem to stopped. The sharks stopped what they were doing and just looked at Red's abs in the mirror. The silence made Red conscious so he turned his back from the four and went back to his routine. I almost chuckled at the reaction Red got. Then, as if it was a competition, Blue lifted his shirt too. The ocean parted. The world stopped. And the sharks, who were contended to just see Red's abs reflection in the mirror, looked at Blue's directly. Oblivious. Obnoxious. I wanted to bash their heads with a dumbbell. How dare they look at him? He's mine! Well, at least, in my head.

 

Red seems to notice the commotion Blue's abs is causing so he tapped his shoulders to stop. And he did. But Red is pure evil and I hate him. When Blue turned to face him, he lifted Blue's shirt and touched his abs in front of us. He touched his abs! In front of us! He dare! I wanted to revolt, I wanted to kick is tight bubble shape ass! When I heard Blue chuckle at what Red was doing, it was enough for me. Even though I'm not yet done with my exercise, I left the section before I kill someone.

 

I transferred to the cable section so I salvage what time I have left for a proper exercise. But it seems Fate is playing his dice yet again. Blue and Red transferred to the abs section that's just near my area. Oh my! What temptation this couple is bringing! So instead of looking in their general direction, I focused on what's in front of me. There's White, sweating like a sex machine, running on the treadmill, looking towards... son of a biscuit! of course, he's looking at Red and Blue as they lift their legs in the air, showing everyone what powerful legs they have. Legs that you can sit on for hours and they won't complain. Legs that can help their thrust to be deep and powerful... Argh! Enough!

 

I decided then to finish up with the cable before anything more temptation comes my way. I turned my back from them but that brings White to my sight. How the hell does he manage to look so fresh even though he's full of sweat? And those skin of  his, they're just perfect. Ah, I'm getting distracted again. And so I lifted, I pulled, I pushed, and as I was about to finish, Blue stood, put his hands in his shorts, and repositioned his stick. I dropped the weights with a bang but that didn't catch his attention. There's already a commotion in the treadmill area. Someone seems to have lost his focus and fell from the machine. It was White.

 

I hate Tuesdays.

Talk Back Rurouni Guardians!

I've been trying to avoid writing about movies lately. I guess I'm just scared of being called "another movie blog" but what the heck, I already threw my pride away 10 years ago. I should be OK with what people has to say about my own personal damn space.

Alright, now that's it out there, let's begin. 

The Guardians of the Galaxy

Disclaimer - I never wanted to see this movie. I never liked the comics to begin with. However, since it's Marvel and my boyfriend wants to watch it, there's really nothing I can do. If this sound bias, pardon the author.

Movie is OK. I'd say 6 out of 10. Props for the special effects and the comedic script. I actually end up enjoying the film. The story though is a different matter. Execution was left to be desired, acting was alright, and the ending, that lame effin' credit scene was just offensive. There we are, sitting through the credits, hoping against hope that we will see something about the next Avenger or Captain America film, but what do we get? a lame fucking duck! Ahem, excuse the french.

For Marvel fans, this is an OK movie. For someone out for a good clean fun on a weekend, it's a must watch. But for those looking for something with quality and substance, there are other movies out there you can consider watching. Nuff said.

Rurouni Kenshin - The Kyoto Inferno

I'm a Samurai X fanboy. I grew up watching the anime, read the manga growing up, and dreamed of being Kenshin Himura whenever I can. 

The first movie was good. Not great, but good.The dialogue was lengthy. There's too much "cheesiness" where the writer/director tries to force the Kenshin/Kauro love team to the audience. The actors chemistry was already there, plus the "spark" between the two characters should be gradual, automatic, not forced. But those things I just mentioned, I can ignore. The fight scenes were awesome, the costumes and the character actors played their part to the heart. It was something worth every one of those seven (7) times I watched it on the big screen.

The second movie is awesome. I would say it's even better than the first. The action scenes were a bit rushed and there were those parts that was omitted but the details, effort, story, acting, actors, and everything else is just the right mix to make it work. To even put a movie like this as a real life action movie is just amazing. To see my beloved characters come to life is just beyond any fanboy can ask for. It was worth every effort to be out of the office on time just to be the first in line to watch the first screening of the movie on opening day. The last time I was this ecstatic about a movie was Avengers. And yes, it's that good!

Talk Back And Your Dead

Disclaimer - I have a huge school-girl-kind-of-crush on James Reid.

The movie was half good, half bad. Was it worth watching? Yes. For one specific reason and nope, not because James showed those sexy abs of his, but because of the on screen kiss. Yes, a freaking kiss! I waited for it the entire time I watched Ang Diary ng Panget but it never happened! Grawr!

The story was bad. Let's get it out and over with. Based from another Wattpad story, it was a combination of whatever was going on the author's head so it was just that, a collection of ideas with no apparent goal. Too much of twist, turns, and action. Yes, action. I really thought it shouldn't have been included in the final cut and the money used for it should have been better spent with closing more loose ends. But that's just me.

Kudos to the actors. They performed to the best of their abilities. Granted, there's definitely room for improvement. OK, maybe not a room but a gigantic mansion, but hey, their kids and they are doing what they can.If we actually compare their acting from the first movie to what they did here, there was actually some improvements. We also need to give credit to the writer and director who tried so hard to stay true to the source. Granted, the movie would have been better if they improved on the source or used their "artistic license" on it, but nowadays, people who stay true to the source is too rare that they deserve some appreciation.

Well, there you go. A very long post that composed mostly of drafts from those movies I wanted to write about but was too afraid to do so. But hey, I'm not afraid anymore. So until the next movie, see you in the cinemas indeed!

A Walk To Remember

Ever have that one person that occupies your fantasies whenever you're horny? I do. He's name is Von. We met back in 2011 through DowneLink (DL). He had a boyfriend back then and I was just rebounding from a bad relationship. We dated, went out, made out, but nothing really serious nor did we had sex. I really like him. As in, really, really, really like him. So much so that I was too afraid to be in anything intimate with him because I know I can't make him happy. Don't ask, I just know. And no, I couldn't care less for his boyfriend then. That cheating bastard. I'm going to gut him for hurting my Von. But I digress.

So, I like the guy. I think I'm even in love with him. There are times that when I look into my future (madam rosa is that you?) I can see myself being happy with him. But no, it can not be. I'm too much of a chicken shit to go down that road. That's why I contended myself with drooling about his six pack abs, or salivating about his sexy cut arms, or fantasizing about that sweet, red lips of his and what it would feel like around my... stahp!!!!

inhale. exhale.

You get the point. I'm uber attracted to the guy. That's why, even now that we're both committed to someone, I make it a point that we meet once a year. Socially of course. No naughty dirty monkey business. Am I cheating? Probably. Do I care? Of course. But not enough.

I asked him out last June for a movie and and tea. He declined. My hopes were dashed of seeing him this year. But last Sunday, he asked me out for an early dinner. Obviously, I accepted and reschedule my movie date with my boyfriend. I rationalized that this will be just a social meeting so no harm done. And so I thought.

We had dinner at his favorite pizza place in QC. The conversation and catching up was great. We haven't really talked to each other for more than a year and there's a lot of things we can talk about. When we had our fill, we decided to take a leisurely walk down the streets and have a much more intimate conversation.

We talked why I never asked him out officially. He asked why I never made the move when he cried on my shoulders when his ex broke up with him. We talked about our past, my fears, my fantasies, his dreams, his plans, and then he asked why we never went all the way when it's clear we're both attracted to each other.

silence. we walked in silence. contemplating the situation. measuring the temperature. 

and then, for the first time in all those almost four years of knowing each other, he asked me, nope, he offered me, his body. The body, that I fantasize and imagine all those years, mine for the taking, all I have to do is to reach and grab it. I just have to say the words and my dreams will come true.

I said no.

I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to do it. I wanted to take it. But then I said no. I hate myself for saying no. But I did. Because I love my boyfriend. Because I'm afraid that whatever special thing between Von and I, might be snuff out if we do go that route.

because I'm a chicken shit. and I will always hate myself for it.

Office Affair

"So there's this guy..."

I hate stories that begins with this phrase. It's so foreboding that you always seem to know what the story will be about. But then again, one of the most thrilling and orgasmic stories I've ever read did start with this exact phrase.

So, there's this guy. He's name is Kelvin. He's a chubby but cute guy here in the office. If you're not looking for him, you'll probably just pass him by. But not for me. He caught my eyes.

Don't get me wrong. I will not cheat on my boyfriend. I love him. But Kelvin, well, let's just say he's been appearing in my daily routine to help me get some needed sleep. And it was some of the most, uhm, thrilling(?) fantasies I've had. The way I imagine it... the way we move... the look on his face... ahm yeah, I'm getting carried away. Let's just say that I've ran out of lotion in less than a month of meeting him.

OK, some more description. He's early to mid 20's, stands 5'9, fair to light complexion, average built leaning towards heavy due to some "baby fats". He smells like honey and knows how to dress. He has a great smile that shows off his pearly whites, and those eyes, they look at you as if to say that you are his and you should be happy about it. Besides these physical traits, he bakes, reads, sings, dance, and comes from money. Basically he's almost perfect. Almost. I say almost because, well, he's straight.

There's something about this guy that pulls me towards him. May it be in person while at work or while I'm busy with myself thinking of him. I don't want to be with him as in boyfriend/boyfriend thing. Nope, this is just pure physical, carnal lust. I feel that after I taste the forbidden fruit that he's hiding in that bulge of his, I will be over him faster than I cum when I'm thinking of riding him while he stare at me with those lustful eyes, smiling sheepishly as if to say that I'm enjoying pleasuring myself with his machismo.

Ugh. I need a cold shower. And another bottle of lotion.