KMN

I haven't written anything for a while. I mean to write but I just can't put pen to paper the way I used to be. And it's because I didn't want to write to begin with. I was under the impression that if I didn't write, then it'll just be inside me, and soon, it'll die a natural death. But the longer it goes, the more it corrupts everything in me. And I'm afraid that if I didn't do anything about it now, I won't be able to recognize myself the next morning.

 

I made a mistake of trusting myself.

 

I've been in this world for more than three decades and I've seen a lot of things growing up. I even experienced most of those things. That's why I was pretty confident that I know everything there is to expect, and in hindsight, I did know. It's just that even though I knew what would happened, I still took the risk. I still gambled. And it resulted in something that I thought is no longer possible.

 

I hate myself more than I could possibly hate myself for.

 

Who would have thought that someone as cynical, pathetic, pragmatic, pessimistic, and downright wasted as I am, that I could hope for something better for myself. I actually believed that there's a rainbow after this shitty storm that's currently drenching my life. I actually believed. I actually hoped. I actually saw redemption.

 

Then I fell... hard.

 

It's nobody else's fault but myself. I allowed myself to feel something that I shouldn't in the first place. I opened myself up and brought down my walls. I showed my true self. And in return, I actually thought that I was doing the right thing. And no, I didn't do all of that because I already felt what I felt. No. I did that because I thought it was the right thing to do. Apparently, I was wrong. Because in doing so, I felt something.

 

Goodbye is never easy.

 

I had to pull myself up. I had to turn my back away. I had to do something, anything, to avoid anymore pain. I could endure hurting myself, both physically, emotionally, and mentally, but I could never forgive myself for hurting the people that I care about. And so I have to leave. I had to say my goodbyes. Because staying will only mean hurting them. Yes, I know, leaving could hurt them, too. But the pain is lesser compared to my staying. Because I know myself. I'm an evil person. And I will not stop to get what I want as long as I am around. So I have to leave. I have to go.

 

Redemption is not what I'm after.

 

It might sounded as a good deed, me leaving. Maybe good for the people involved but definitely not for myself. Because this here, leaving, it's killing me. Slowly, painfully. And something inside me dies in every passing second. When the clock strikes twelve, there will be nothing inside me anymore. Nothing to redeem. Nothing to live.

 

 

 

I fell hard.

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Now it's time to get up.

Sensing Senses

It's no secret that those who loves movies also loves TV series. OK, not all. But I'm certainly one of those whose in the 'love' category. That's why whenever I have spare time, I scan torrent sites for new series that I can binge watch on a weekend. And I found one very exciting new series that I finished watching last weekend. All 12 episodes in one day. I know, noob. But hey, that's all they have on their first season!

 

I like stories where the protagonist is actually bad. Not "good bad", but "bad bad" (Frank Underwood) yet they're like unicorns so I had to settle with the "good bad" characters - House, Backstrom, the Winchesters, Patrick Jane, to name a few. And now, we can add a whole bunch of people, eight to be exact, to this "good bad" people. They are the Sensates (Sense8 is a series from Netflix)

 

According to Wikipedia, the plot revolves around eight strangers from different parts of the world who suddenly become mentally and emotionally linked. The show aims to explore subjects that its writers felt science fiction shows, at least ostensibly, tend to ignore or skim through such as politics, identity, sexuality, gender and religion.

 

I really didn't care for any of that because the first episode threw me on a loop because there's so much happening that I wasn't able to understand anything (I watched it while playing online games so my attention was split in half) but everything changed when I saw this guy.

 

 

He's Brian J. Smith and plays Will Gorski, a Chicago police officer and one of the Sensates, and is currently the object of my sexual desire. I mean, who wouldn't right? Just look at how he's biting his lips, rawr!

 

Then there's this guy. He reminds me of someone I know. I'm not into beards and hairy icky stuff but this guy just blew my mind. I guess, he's the exception to my rules. He's hot!

 

  

He's Alfonso Herrera, he plays Hernando, Lito's (another Sensate) lover. Yup, he's gay in this series and there's some NSFW actions that just blew me away. He's on screen chemistry with Lito is just pure magic. If there's one reason to watch this series, it's the Lito x Hernando love team! I'm already a fan!

 

 

 

Ahem. Alright. You got me. This is not a review. I just wanted to share this gorgeous guys here (as if this blog is not gay enough LOL!) I'll have the full write up about the series next week :D

 

 

But seriously, download and watch the series. It's entertaining.

Irony Much?

Writing is hard. This is the fifth draft that I made tonight. I deleted the first four because I hate the fact that they contain nothing but blah, blah, blah, me, me, me.

 

When I write, or at least try to write, I follow the "Forrester Way" of writing that I got from the movie Finding Forrester.

 

                "No thinking - that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart.

                You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is... to write, not to think!"

- William Forrester -

 

And so I hack and peck the keyboard, typing continuously, letting the information flow. Then come back, read the draft from top to bottom, and relentlessly correct and edit each part. Tiring work but it's very effective.

 

Today, I will stray from that path and just say what I want to write about. Instead of writing stories and try to relate it in some convoluted way to what point I'm trying to get across, as if to appear mysterious and knowledgeable, I will say it plain and simple. I want to write why I am not a happy person.

 

I am not happy because I choose not to be happy. Like everything in this world, being happy is also a choice. I just choose not to be. Don't I think I deserve to be happy? I have to admit, there are those days that I thought I should be... that I could. Only to realize that I mustn't. Someone like me doesn't deserve to be happy. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to be miserable. I deserve to die.

 

But of course, nobody wants to be around all that negativity. Couple that with my need for human interaction from time to time, I've learned to put on a mask. A façade, if you will. I became someone else. Someone optimistic and with a sense of humor. Someone who laughs and has a smiling eyes. Someone who I taught people would like. Pathetic little me.

 

Now don't get me wrong. I do not write these things to get self pity. Take your pity and give it to someone else worth it. I do not need pity. I do not want it. But I do need some answers...

 

Writing these words made me wonder. Why, after more than 20 years of putting on the mask, did I decide to "out" myself? Why did I leave myself vulnerable and allowed people to glean the person behind the mask? I do not know the answers. First, I thought it was because I was being careless. Then I thought my mask is full of cranks and chinks that people are seeing through it already so there's no use to hide behind it. I really don't know. All I know is that lately, I've open up myself to this blog and to a few people. Very uncharacteristic of me. I shared too much information about myself in the last month than I shared in the last two years. What's happening to me?

The Dark Ages

Iba talaga nagagawa ng sobrang free time, lalo na sa work. Nakatungaga sa harapan ng computer, nagpapatay ng oras. Sobrang sayang sa talento ang trabaho ko ngayon pero magaan at maluwag ang mga Gawain. Kaya kahit wala pa sa kalahati ng sinasahod ko dati ang kinikita ko buwanan, pwede na. Ang importante lang naman sa akin, may hanapbuhay akong matatawag at may pera akong naiuuwi sa bahay. Nakaktawag. Parang wala akong pangarap sa buhay kung titingnan ang buhay ko ngayon. Marahil dahil naranasan ko na halos lahat ng gusto ko maranasan. Halos lahat. May iilan pa siguro akong gusto maranas bago ako pumanaw. Pero yung mga yun ay mga pawang luho na lamang. Kaya siguro hindi ko na din sila iniisip masyado.

 

Gusto ko umakyat ulit ng bundok. Medyo matagal tagal na din ng huli akong nakaakyat. Hindi na masyado kaya ng katawan ko ngayon. Marami ng iniinda. Gusto ko tumakbo ulit sa marathon. Pero kagaya ng una, hindi na din kaya. Gusto ko maranasan ang sky diving. Masyadong mahal at sobrang luho na sya sa buhay kaya hindi ko na lang iniisip. Gusto ko din subukan ang gun range at archery range. Pero kagaya ng sky diving, sobrang luho ang tingin ko sa kanila kaya tama ng manatili silang pangarap.

 

Naalala ko bigla yung panahon na kaya ko gawin lahat ng gusto ko. May sobra sobra akong pera at lakas ng katawan para gawin ang gusto ko. Sa sobrang tiwala ko sa sarili at sa katigasan ng ulo ko, pinagpilitan kong gawin ang mga gusto kong gawin kesa sa mga kailangan kong gawin. Nalulong ako sa sugal at sa panglalalake. Hangang sa naubos lahat. Hangang sa nawalang lahat. Nasa isip ko noon, madali lang kumita ng pera at dapat habang bata, magpakasaya ako. Hindi ko naisip na dapat pala, habang bata, dapat mag impok ako. Para pagtanda, doon ako mageenjoy. Dahil pagtanda, doon ako maraming oras. Sabi nga nila, nasa huli ang pagsisisi.

 

Pagsisisi. Ah, yan siguro ang dahilan kung bakit hangang ngayon hindi ko mapatawad sarili ko sa mga kasalanan nagawa ko sa ibang tao. Yung mga kasalanan ko kasi sa sarili ko hindi ko na iniisip. Pero yung sakit na nagawa ko sa iba, yun siguro ang hinding hindi ko kayang bigyan patawad ang sarili ko. Biruin mo, tumagal ang relasyon ko noon sa ka-live in ko ng mahigit tatlong taon na umaasa lang ako sa kanya. Sya ang bumubuhay sa aming dalawa. Alam kong nahihirapan na sya, alam kong nasasaktan na sya, pero wala akong ginawa. Ilang beses nya ko binigyan ng pagkakataon para bumangon pero binalewala ko lang lahat. Nagpalipat lipat akong trabaho kasi gusto ko "big time" ako ulit agad-agad. Pero ang pinakamasakit na ginawa ko sa kanya, alam kong hindi ko na sya mahal pero pinatagal ko ang relasyon namin. Masyado na kasi akong naging kumportable na kasama sya sa buhay na hindi ko na inisip ang sarili nyang kaligayahan. Iniisip ko na lang noon, maligaya naman sya sa akin kaya ayos na yun. Alam kong niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko pero parang mas mabuti na yun kesa iwan sya at lalong mawalan ako ng tutulong sa akin.

 

Bukod sa kanya, ilang kaibigan din ang niloko ko. Isa sa kanila ang kaibigan kong blogger na taga Saudi. Naikwento ko sa kanya ang problema namin sa pera ng kinakasama ko noon. Nagpasya syang tumulong dahil mukha naman daw akong mabuting tao. Kahit masakit sa loob ko, tinangap ko ang paunang tulong nya. Pero ng maubos ko yun sa sugal, kung ano anong dahilan ang inimbento ko para lang makahu ng pera sa kanya. Halos buwan buwan nagpapadala sya ng pera sa akin. At tuwing magpapadala sya, pinapatalo ko lang sa sugal. Puro ako pangako sa sarili ko at sa kanya na babayaran ko sya, na may inaantay lang akong "deal" na matapos at magkakapera ako ng malaki. Alam ko naman na pangloloko yun pero tinuloy tuloy ko lang. Nasa isip ko noon, kung mananalo ako ng malaki sa sugal, tapos lahat ng problema ko. Kaso, hindi nangyari. Huli na ng matangap ko na talagang walang nananalo sa sugal. Umabot sa mahigit tatlong daang libo ang nakuha ko sa kanya na sana'y pampagawa nya ng bahay ng magulang nya. Napakawala kong kwentang tao. At kung tatanungin mo ngayon kung nakakabawas ba ako kahit paunti unti sa mga utang ko sa kanya? Syempre 'hindi' ang sagot ko. Hindi lang dahil ayaw na nya ko makausap at makita. Hindi ko din naman sya kayang bayaran sa ngayon kahit paunti unti. Dahil sa ngayon, yung ibang taong pinagkunan ko ng malaking halaga noon ang inuuna ko bayaran. Yan ay kung may natitira sa sinasahod ko pagkatapos ko gumastos ng parang walang utang.

 

Gusto ko bang magbago? Syempre gusto. Pero naniniwala kasi ako na walang taong tunay na nagbabago. Maari tayong magkunwari na nagbago, mag adjust, mag adopt, sa kung ano mang sitwasyon natin sa buhay, kagaya ng ginagawa ko araw-araw. Pero sa paglubog ng araw at sa pagharap natin sa salamin, alam natin na ang mukhang nakikita natin ay isang hayop, isang halimaw, na aksaya lang sa espasyo sa mundo at dapat ng mamatay. Siguro, kapag namatay ako, baka sakali, mabawasan ang galit ng mga taong nasaktan ko sa akin.

Of Dreams and Reality

A new born baby, touching a man's face for the first time, and knowing that that man is his father.

 

A kid, sitting alone in the corner, looking longingly out the window, watching the other kids play.

 

A young boy, playing by himself, while all the others are laughing and running, because no one wants to play with him.

 

A student, passing a project with just his name on it, his classmates jeering and pointing, saying crude words of selfishness and disgust.

 

A young man behind bars, determined not to show his fears to the big angry man that took his shoes away.

 

Fear. Loneliness. Dread. Anger. Grief.

 

A picture of a brain, glowing. A voice, saying a radioactive 7 isotope was the key to reveal our oldest memories.

 

 

I woke up drenched in sweat.

 

What a weird dream.

Not Your Ordinary Tuesday

When I got to the gym last Tuesday, there wasn't much people. Which is actually good because I can do the workouts that I can never do when someone is already hogging a station. As I was changing in the locker, Red and Blue came in. They're already in their gym clothes so they just placed their valuables in the locker and went out. After them, came in White. He immediately stripped down to his underwear, without a care to the world, and changed to his gym clothes. He then quickly went out as if he's after the cute couple. I followed suit shortly.

 

White is a young professional, who likes wearing white. Hence, the name. He has a very athletic built and an exotic Asian face. What sets him apart is his glow. Yes, he glows. With skin as smooth as silk, and as flawless as porcelain, I'm sure if I get to touch and feel it, it would be like those of a baby - supple, soft, tender. He's the kind of guy that we seldom refer to as a "head turner".

 

Red is model, I think. I 'm not sure about his nationality but I think he's American. With stormy grey eyes and a shock of sandy blonde hair, he's definitely an eye candy.
He always sport a red top with  arm holes that goes to his waist. That's why the oglers can very well see his lean cut body, and his pinkish nipple. I heard some people refer to him as a Greek god.

Blue is Red's boyfriend. I think he's a model too. He has this pinkish to red lips and a five o'clock shadow that compliments his steely black eyes and puts emphasis on his squared jaw. If Red is a Greek god for some, for me, Blue is Apollo incarnate. One could even make a case that he's Narcissus or Adonis, because of his chiseled body and towering height. Yes, he's that hot. And like you guessed, he likes wearing blue tops.

 

I went to the dumbbell section and sat on a corner, trying to focus on what I'm supposed to be doing. Red and Blue joined me in the section but sat to the other side of the room, as if they already know what kind of distraction they could bring to a powerless human, like me. As soon as they are seated, four more people joined us. They sat in the middle of the section. They are like the sharks in the ocean that separates Blue and Red  from me. We're all lined in front of this giant mirror so we can all see that we're doing the exercise correctly, or so it would seem. From where I was sitting, it was very evident that the four "sharks" are just there to look at the couple. Yes, they're working out but only with minimal effort so that they won't be distracted from the show. Who can blame them? I won't.

 

As I was going through my dumbbell routine, Red stood in front of the mirror, lifted his shirt as if to check his abs. Time seem to stopped. The sharks stopped what they were doing and just looked at Red's abs in the mirror. The silence made Red conscious so he turned his back from the four and went back to his routine. I almost chuckled at the reaction Red got. Then, as if it was a competition, Blue lifted his shirt too. The ocean parted. The world stopped. And the sharks, who were contended to just see Red's abs reflection in the mirror, looked at Blue's directly. Oblivious. Obnoxious. I wanted to bash their heads with a dumbbell. How dare they look at him? He's mine! Well, at least, in my head.

 

Red seems to notice the commotion Blue's abs is causing so he tapped his shoulders to stop. And he did. But Red is pure evil and I hate him. When Blue turned to face him, he lifted Blue's shirt and touched his abs in front of us. He touched his abs! In front of us! He dare! I wanted to revolt, I wanted to kick is tight bubble shape ass! When I heard Blue chuckle at what Red was doing, it was enough for me. Even though I'm not yet done with my exercise, I left the section before I kill someone.

 

I transferred to the cable section so I salvage what time I have left for a proper exercise. But it seems Fate is playing his dice yet again. Blue and Red transferred to the abs section that's just near my area. Oh my! What temptation this couple is bringing! So instead of looking in their general direction, I focused on what's in front of me. There's White, sweating like a sex machine, running on the treadmill, looking towards... son of a biscuit! of course, he's looking at Red and Blue as they lift their legs in the air, showing everyone what powerful legs they have. Legs that you can sit on for hours and they won't complain. Legs that can help their thrust to be deep and powerful... Argh! Enough!

 

I decided then to finish up with the cable before anything more temptation comes my way. I turned my back from them but that brings White to my sight. How the hell does he manage to look so fresh even though he's full of sweat? And those skin of  his, they're just perfect. Ah, I'm getting distracted again. And so I lifted, I pulled, I pushed, and as I was about to finish, Blue stood, put his hands in his shorts, and repositioned his stick. I dropped the weights with a bang but that didn't catch his attention. There's already a commotion in the treadmill area. Someone seems to have lost his focus and fell from the machine. It was White.

 

I hate Tuesdays.

A Walk To Remember

Ever have that one person that occupies your fantasies whenever you're horny? I do. He's name is Von. We met back in 2011 through DowneLink (DL). He had a boyfriend back then and I was just rebounding from a bad relationship. We dated, went out, made out, but nothing really serious nor did we had sex. I really like him. As in, really, really, really like him. So much so that I was too afraid to be in anything intimate with him because I know I can't make him happy. Don't ask, I just know. And no, I couldn't care less for his boyfriend then. That cheating bastard. I'm going to gut him for hurting my Von. But I digress.

So, I like the guy. I think I'm even in love with him. There are times that when I look into my future (madam rosa is that you?) I can see myself being happy with him. But no, it can not be. I'm too much of a chicken shit to go down that road. That's why I contended myself with drooling about his six pack abs, or salivating about his sexy cut arms, or fantasizing about that sweet, red lips of his and what it would feel like around my... stahp!!!!

inhale. exhale.

You get the point. I'm uber attracted to the guy. That's why, even now that we're both committed to someone, I make it a point that we meet once a year. Socially of course. No naughty dirty monkey business. Am I cheating? Probably. Do I care? Of course. But not enough.

I asked him out last June for a movie and and tea. He declined. My hopes were dashed of seeing him this year. But last Sunday, he asked me out for an early dinner. Obviously, I accepted and reschedule my movie date with my boyfriend. I rationalized that this will be just a social meeting so no harm done. And so I thought.

We had dinner at his favorite pizza place in QC. The conversation and catching up was great. We haven't really talked to each other for more than a year and there's a lot of things we can talk about. When we had our fill, we decided to take a leisurely walk down the streets and have a much more intimate conversation.

We talked why I never asked him out officially. He asked why I never made the move when he cried on my shoulders when his ex broke up with him. We talked about our past, my fears, my fantasies, his dreams, his plans, and then he asked why we never went all the way when it's clear we're both attracted to each other.

silence. we walked in silence. contemplating the situation. measuring the temperature. 

and then, for the first time in all those almost four years of knowing each other, he asked me, nope, he offered me, his body. The body, that I fantasize and imagine all those years, mine for the taking, all I have to do is to reach and grab it. I just have to say the words and my dreams will come true.

I said no.

I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to do it. I wanted to take it. But then I said no. I hate myself for saying no. But I did. Because I love my boyfriend. Because I'm afraid that whatever special thing between Von and I, might be snuff out if we do go that route.

because I'm a chicken shit. and I will always hate myself for it.

Office Affair

"So there's this guy..."

I hate stories that begins with this phrase. It's so foreboding that you always seem to know what the story will be about. But then again, one of the most thrilling and orgasmic stories I've ever read did start with this exact phrase.

So, there's this guy. He's name is Kelvin. He's a chubby but cute guy here in the office. If you're not looking for him, you'll probably just pass him by. But not for me. He caught my eyes.

Don't get me wrong. I will not cheat on my boyfriend. I love him. But Kelvin, well, let's just say he's been appearing in my daily routine to help me get some needed sleep. And it was some of the most, uhm, thrilling(?) fantasies I've had. The way I imagine it... the way we move... the look on his face... ahm yeah, I'm getting carried away. Let's just say that I've ran out of lotion in less than a month of meeting him.

OK, some more description. He's early to mid 20's, stands 5'9, fair to light complexion, average built leaning towards heavy due to some "baby fats". He smells like honey and knows how to dress. He has a great smile that shows off his pearly whites, and those eyes, they look at you as if to say that you are his and you should be happy about it. Besides these physical traits, he bakes, reads, sings, dance, and comes from money. Basically he's almost perfect. Almost. I say almost because, well, he's straight.

There's something about this guy that pulls me towards him. May it be in person while at work or while I'm busy with myself thinking of him. I don't want to be with him as in boyfriend/boyfriend thing. Nope, this is just pure physical, carnal lust. I feel that after I taste the forbidden fruit that he's hiding in that bulge of his, I will be over him faster than I cum when I'm thinking of riding him while he stare at me with those lustful eyes, smiling sheepishly as if to say that I'm enjoying pleasuring myself with his machismo.

Ugh. I need a cold shower. And another bottle of lotion.

What's Your Number?

I saw a movie with the same title before. If you've seen the movie, I applaud you. It was actually nice and surprisingly fun. I say this because the only reason I even watched was to see the ultimate "crush ng bayan" Chris Evans in all his naked glory. If you haven't seen it, do try. Even if just to see our crush play basketball in just his undies.

Don't forget to breathe.

anyway, the movie was all about redemption which is cool. But for me, it was something different. It made me look back and check what I have done in my life, my sexual life that is, that now spells what's in my future.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I've been the cause of many a heartache in my younger years. As such, I began to wonder what is indeed my number when it comes to the number of people I had sexual relations with. The movie states that in our lives, we will have at most, twenty (20) sexual partners before we will know who is our "the one". I personally don't believe in the idea of having just one "the one" because we will love, will get hurt, and we will love again. But I digress, that's for a different topic.

Here's my question though, if my so called number is more than 20, what does that make me? A slut? Maybe. 

Want to know what's my number? I'm currently still counting but I'm at number 68 now. Who knows who else I would add to my list. Maybe, one day, it'll be yours.

Delusions Of Grandeur

I find myself awake at night (or day depending on my schedule) thinking of things that are supposedly not my concerns. I sometimes caught myself day dreaming instead of sleeping. Thinking of things that could, should, and would have been. And no, I am not being sentimental nor remorseful about my past mistakes. Nor do I have wallow on self pity or regret for how bad my current situation is. I had come to terms with those demons way too long ago that they no longer bother me. No, I am kept awake by those delusions of power. Of things I would do and could do given the chance that I am in a position of power to effect the said change. Yes, you got that right. I was day dreaming of being the president of the republic.

There's tons of things that needed to be changed. There's a lot of hope and dreams that can still be fulfilled. There's still a chance for us to get out of this cycle of poverty that our elected(?) leaders shoved our country in. But everything needs to start from one person. The person that people will look up to, someone they can see as the fix point in this fight against poverty, a person they can see as the light at the end of the tunnel. And I believe that person should be the president of the country. Of our country.

As I type these words, my mind started to wander yet again so I have to pause. Our country has a lot of problems and it doesn't need another self righteous, self indignant individual to order it around. With that, my plans and dreams will remain as that. Dreams.