Bored As F--?!

 

I've been in the BPO industry for more than a decade but I still haven't climb the ladder of success. I guess, moving from one company to the next is not a bad precedent. That, and my attendance issues.

 

I know my problem and that problem is myself. I don't think I have the right attitude. Plus, I get bored quickly. As my previous boss would always say, I'm a walking proof that talents are wasted with aimless people. I have the talent, I know how to use them, but for some reason, I choose not to.

 

Oh, I know I'm good. Actually, better than good. Let's say, for modesty sake, that I'm above average. But that doesn't mean I'm not expendable. I've proven that quite often enough to my own detriment.

 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that my current job sucks. It's freaking boring. There's no advancement of knowledge and the pay is just enough to cover my bills. I could leave, yes, but after facing so many rejection in these past months, I think I'll lick my wounds for now, and settle into this job. After all, I can blog while waiting for my workload. It's just that it's so boring.

 

So boring, in fact, that I brought my origami papers at work so I can do origami whenever the boredom is almost choking me to death. Most of the time though, I surf the net for stuff. Did you know that one of the biggest/largest bat in the world can be found here, in our country? The species Acerodon jubatus also known as giant golden-crowned flying fox, is endemic to our country but is nearing extinction due to deforestation and hunting.  All of that I found out because I had to much time on my hands.

 

Another thing that I've been doing is scanning the world wide web for one of my long lost blog. I wrote something back in 2007 when I was in the process of withdrawal from the blogging world but forgot what or where I wrote it. It took me a good two days to find them. 'Them' because I actually found two. One that I wrote back in 2007, and the other one, back in 2009.

 

Please note that they are not so safe for work.

 

The Dark Lord Strikes Back

 

The Dark Room Returns

 

Reading them almost gave me cancer. The grammar sucks, not that I'm perfect now, but knowing that I wrote them and that I can't edit them anymore (I don't know the username and password for them) makes me cringe. However, that doesn't mean that I'm not proud of my work. I am. After all, it shows my psyche during those turbulent years of my life.

 

Well, that's it for now. I'm a little beat because of something that happened last night that disappointed me. Tomorrow, when I can feel a little more sunshine on my face, maybe I'll do a retro post for all the Project 360 that I missed and the two Origami Tuesdays that I didn't post. Well, maybe.

 

Cheers!

Choices

I always thought of myself as someone who knows what he needs to know. I guess that's the reason why I love that quote from the movie Scent of A Woman, immortalized by the great Al Pacino...

"Now I have come to the cross-roads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew, but I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard." - Lt. Col. Frank Slade

I don't know if I've written anything related to this quote before. I don't really care. Because right now, today, not yesterday, is what's important. Because today, I can finally write something again. Something that I thought I could never write again.

Choices. That's all it is. Everyday, we face choices that would either lead to our happiness or detriment. Choices that could harm others or keep them safe. Choices that once made, can never be undone. Choices. Life or death. Sickness or health. Choices.

People keep on saying that life is complicated. I disagree. It is not. Because at the end of the day, it all boils down into making choices. It's not even about making the right choice. There's really no right or wrong. There's only legal and illegal. All we have to do is choose.

I've made my choice a long time ago. A choice that led me to the path where I am right now. The path of suffering and pain. A path made of continuous peril. All because I chose to live "in the moment". I chose to do what I want and not what I needed.

 

While still in school, getting all As, I could have chosen the path of excellence. I could have chosen the right path - to stay in school and get my degree. The choice was in my hand. Literally and figuratively. I held the tuition fee money right there. But I decided to do what I wanted instead of what I need. I decided to live in the moment and be happy. Knowing full well that being happy then means suffering in the future. I already knew that but I just closed my eyes, said "fuck it" and soldier on.

 

For four years, I kept making the same decision over and over again. I could have stopped anytime and enroll but I didn't. Not that I couldn't but I just simply don't want to. Was it fear of ridicule or of something else? I don't think so. I was young and carefree without a fear in the world. All I know is that by the time they discover what I did, I'll be dead. I'll be gone. And the consequences of my action will be avoided.

 

But Life has something else for me. I was given jobs after jobs. Good, honest, well paying jobs. But I couldn't keep them. Whether it's because I decided to drown myself with bad vices or I just decided that I do not deserve such comfort. Honestly, I can't remember why I did it but I do know that I made a conscious decision that will put my job in jeopardy. And the people I worked with gave me countless attempts to redemption. I could have done it. I could have straighten up and become successful as they are now. Maybe it won't hurt that much when I see their success in FB. But I just laughed inside and continued what I was doing wrong. What a waste of talent and oxygen. I should have died when I was young.

 

As if giving me jobs to pick myself up out of the ditch that I dug myself in is not enough, I was also given friends that will help and support me. Great friends that to this day, are baffled at how I could have screwed up something so solid. That, and how I managed to deplete their bank accounts by continuously asking them for financial aid. I comforted myself that by naming them as beneficiary to my life insurance, I could somehow repay them. But I know better. I'm screwing them over for trusting me. I'm destroying the only thing that I have left. Reputation and trust. Well, at least the façade that I created that people adored. What a shame.

 

I was also not lacking in the love department. I have loved and been loved. They say that was the greatest achievement of all. You know what's  the worst achievement? It's not taking the love and shitting on it while destroying their names and reputation. It's not making the person you love cry. Nor is it making promises after promises while knowing full well that you won't be able to keep them. The worst achievement is not dying in spite knowing that you'll just hurt everyone you love with every breath you take.

 

I hate myself. I loathe the person I see in the mirror everyday. I want to kill the beast before it could hurt other people. Because for people like me, who've made their own bed of nails, there's no more redemption. I've given up hope.

 

Then I met this kid. He's a good kid. He thinks he knows everything. Which makes me laugh sometimes. I see a young me. Innocent and full of hope. But he's in the crossroads too. I could nudge him to the right path or could just sit and wait for him to follow on my footsteps. Because who am I to stop people from making the same mistakes I did? Who am I to say anything? I am no one. I am nothing.

 

"...Now here's Charlie. He's come to the cross-roads. He has chosen a path. It's the right path. It's a path made of principle that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey." - Lt. Col. Frank Slade

 

 

Kiddo, I know you'll read this. You don't see it yet but your going the same way I am. I might look like a good future, but trust me, it's not. I'm not.

 

 

"If I wanted you to be like me, I would be urging you to make a stupid, stubborn decision that blows up your life and leaves you lonely and miserable." - Gregory House, MD

 

"Life is pain! I wake up every morning, I'm in pain! I go to work in pain! Do you know how many times I wanted to just give up?! How many times I thought about ending it?!" - Gregory House, MD

 

It's Been A While

I visit this blog almost everyday yet for all the time that I have, I can't seem to put pen to paper, so to speak. So today, being a weekend and I'm stuck in the office, I finally have the motivation to write something and share my thoughts again - it's just I don't know how and where to begin, which just reminded me of something I heard in one of those countless movies I've seen...

"...always begin your story at the beginning"

and so I shall.

I wanted to write about all those movies I've seen in the past few months. There's been some great ones and those that I really don't know why I watched it in the first place. I just didn't get around to writing any "reviews" about them. Not for lack of trying though. I just lack inspiration.

When the news broke out about the pork barrel scams and scums, I was sure that I have enough mojo to write something here. Surely my political views that's verging to racism is something I've always wanted to share. Alas, no post was made.

When I gave in to that one vanity that I have, I was sure as hell that I would write about it. Yet nothing. All those time I sat in front of my computer ended in a staring match between my blinking cursor and I. 

When Glenda passed by and people where going gaga over how strong it was compared to all those past weather disasters, I was sure I would write something to correct them and point out that it was nothing compared to what I have seen. Yet it was another staring competition that I can't seem to win.

When I got a new laptop, I said to myself, surely, this time, at the luxury of my own room, I would be able to write something. But those dastardly addicting FB games got in the way. GoT Ascent anyone? Sheez.

And now we circle back to this. Another lame post for a lame blog from  a lame blogger. What a pity.

But hey, I have a boyfriend but we haven't had sex for more than 5 months, now that's indeed been a while.

Retro Post #1 MMFF

I don't like watching local movies. They seem to have lost the luster and the shine of the past. I still can't get over the feeling of being robbed after watching Mano Po and Tanging Ina. And if I would have my way, I will only watch these so called movies in the comfort of my own home, when there's nothing good on TV or DVD or in the absence of any remotely interesting games I could play with myself. But that was before. Oh how time has changed.

December 2013. I binge watched the entire Shake Rattle and Roll franchise after reading Kalansay's post about SRR. That's the first time in a long time that I sat through a local movie. I had to force feed myself in some of the franchise's version because they're just plain, uhm, pathetic.

The same month, I was happily dragged by my partner to watch the MMFF entries. I enjoyed it for the most part. Pagpag was a delight to watch. That opening scene was one of the best I've seen in a local movie in a long time. GBBT's saving grace came in the form of the Diamond Star herself. Naysayers are saying that someone else deserve the acting award that she won. They probably need to be hit in the head to knock the stupid out of them. Maricel Soriano acted with her eyes. The pain conveyed, not with words or shrieks that she popularized in the last decade, but with actions or lack there of. Not over the top but just exactly hitting the mark. She deserves the accolades indeed. On the other hand, Kimmydora and My Little Bossing were a complete waste of time and money in my opinion.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to see 10,000 hours or Boy Golden. I heard good reviews for them but the budget and time constraints stopped us from watching both movies.

Even though it was evident that the Philippine movie industry has still a long way to go to compete in the global arena, these recent entries are proof that we are making baby steps toward quality. And now, I can't wait to see what will be the entries next year.