A Poem For The Ages

 

I miss the days when I was young. Inspired and ambitious. I wanted to change the world.

 

I miss the days when I was innocent and naïve. Unyielding, uncompromising. I stood for what I believe in.

 

I miss the days when I was stronger. Agile and functional. I went to all the places that I wanted to go.

 

I miss the days when I was a man. Able to stand for my own, accepting my responsibility with pride.

 

I miss the days when I was me. Shy and curious. Willing to learn and to try but to timid to move.

 

I miss the days when I was with him. When it was all smiles and laughter. It was one the days that I can say I was happy. Those days are rare.

 

I miss the time when I was able to make him smile. The sound of his laughter and the way his eyes disappears every single time. It was an achievement of the highest order.

 

I miss the days when we fought or argued. Feelings were hurt but the honesty and love was there. It was one of those rare days that I could say, I was at least honest with myself.

 

But most of all, I miss him. I miss his face, I miss his touch. I miss his kiss, I miss his hugs. I miss voice, I miss his mind. I miss his warmth, I miss his joy. I miss him so bad it hurts...

KMN

I haven't written anything for a while. I mean to write but I just can't put pen to paper the way I used to be. And it's because I didn't want to write to begin with. I was under the impression that if I didn't write, then it'll just be inside me, and soon, it'll die a natural death. But the longer it goes, the more it corrupts everything in me. And I'm afraid that if I didn't do anything about it now, I won't be able to recognize myself the next morning.

 

I made a mistake of trusting myself.

 

I've been in this world for more than three decades and I've seen a lot of things growing up. I even experienced most of those things. That's why I was pretty confident that I know everything there is to expect, and in hindsight, I did know. It's just that even though I knew what would happened, I still took the risk. I still gambled. And it resulted in something that I thought is no longer possible.

 

I hate myself more than I could possibly hate myself for.

 

Who would have thought that someone as cynical, pathetic, pragmatic, pessimistic, and downright wasted as I am, that I could hope for something better for myself. I actually believed that there's a rainbow after this shitty storm that's currently drenching my life. I actually believed. I actually hoped. I actually saw redemption.

 

Then I fell... hard.

 

It's nobody else's fault but myself. I allowed myself to feel something that I shouldn't in the first place. I opened myself up and brought down my walls. I showed my true self. And in return, I actually thought that I was doing the right thing. And no, I didn't do all of that because I already felt what I felt. No. I did that because I thought it was the right thing to do. Apparently, I was wrong. Because in doing so, I felt something.

 

Goodbye is never easy.

 

I had to pull myself up. I had to turn my back away. I had to do something, anything, to avoid anymore pain. I could endure hurting myself, both physically, emotionally, and mentally, but I could never forgive myself for hurting the people that I care about. And so I have to leave. I had to say my goodbyes. Because staying will only mean hurting them. Yes, I know, leaving could hurt them, too. But the pain is lesser compared to my staying. Because I know myself. I'm an evil person. And I will not stop to get what I want as long as I am around. So I have to leave. I have to go.

 

Redemption is not what I'm after.

 

It might sounded as a good deed, me leaving. Maybe good for the people involved but definitely not for myself. Because this here, leaving, it's killing me. Slowly, painfully. And something inside me dies in every passing second. When the clock strikes twelve, there will be nothing inside me anymore. Nothing to redeem. Nothing to live.

 

 

 

I fell hard.

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Now it's time to get up.

"G"

 

It started great. People talking, chatting, being merry, and happy. Information was flowing, and people are getting to know one another. It was a great day.

 

                                    G is for Good, when everything falls in place.

                                    G is for Great, when you are feeling awesome.

                                    G is for God, when you see miracles at work.

                                    G is for Grace, when you feel forgiving and kind.

 

Like any other time, a small group was formed. A group of like minded people, or so I hoped. A group of people that like each other, that sets to do more for one another and to those that they yet to embrace in their own circle. A promise of hope. It was a great day.

 

                                    G is for Group, when you feel included and accepted.

                                    G is for Guidance, when you feel inspired and mentored.

                                    G is for Gallant, when you feel knightly and heroic.

                                    G is for Gay, when you are happy in general.

 

As one would expect, it won't always be merriment and fun. There will be friction, there will be arguments. So rules were set, expectations were made, and one by one, the defenses of the people in the group, joined by their common likeness for one another, fell. It was a sad day.

 

                                    G is for Gauche, when you showed your true self.

                                    G is for Gratuitous, when you do things you do not want.

                                    G is for Gambling, when you put everything in the line.

                                    G is for Gruesome, when the situation turns from bad to ugly.

 

Smaller circles formed within the small circle. Talking behind someone's back became the norm. And the reasons and likeness for one another, were all but forgotten. Tensions occurred, and the group closed their circle from those others hoping against hope to be part of something revolutionary. It was indeed, a grave day.

 

                                    G is for Grave, when there's nothing you can do about it.

                                    G is for Grievance, when you feel sad and alone.

                                    G is for Goodbye, when you're leaving everything behind.

                                    G is for Gone, when there's no turning back.

 

 

 

 

 

"...and so we go, to another place, another time. A place where we are safe, a place where we are fine. We will definitely miss those who let in our hearts, those who we gave our love, those who we gave our trust. But there is no turning back... there's no turning back."

I Just Commited Murder

 

OK, just to clear it up, I actually, didn't kill anyone... yet.

 

Earlier today, I became a blood donor. I've always wanted to do it. That's why even though the schedule for our office blood drive was way off my office schedule, I made an effort to be there, just so I can give some of my blood away.

 

That's a good deed right? Well, I'm not entirely sure.

 

Before they took my blood, they asked a bunch of questions that I didn't answer with complete honesty. In short, I lied.  That's how bad I want to experience this 'blood donation' thing. And in the course of doing so, I may have killed someone, in the near future.

 

One of the things that they asked was about medication. I told them it's been months since I last took one, but in reality, it's just been a couple of weeks. And it's not just any over the counter meds, they were antibiotics with penicillin content. They told me that I can't donate my blood until it's been a month from the last medication I took, so I lied. That means, there's a slight possibility that my blood still has some left over penicillin in them, and if the worse is to happen, that blood will be given to someone that's allergic to penicillin, boom, instant death.

 

I also lied about having any medical procedure. I had a tooth extraction recently, hence the reason for the medication. And in one of the question, they specifically asked about it because the anesthetic medication would take at least thirty days to circulate out of my body. And the anesthesia that I requested for my dentist to use why high grade, meaning it is definitely still in my system. Boom, another instant death.

 

Knowing the potential risk of killing someone with my 'bad blood', I still proceeded with the donation, without the knowledge of the PRC (Philippine Red Cross) or my office. The idea of killing someone was just so mundane for me,, when compared to finally experiencing the thrill of donating your own blood.

 

Call me a psycho. Call me a killer. It just doesn't matter.

 

I'm such an evil person :)

Lesson Well Learned

 

I reached out to my mentor last week. I still haven't heard back from him. I hope he's fine.

 

I've been bothered by a question that I wanted to ask him. I wanted to know why, in all the times that we were together, talking, sharing, learning, that he never shared or showed his own personal problems, not even once, to me. I only realized this quite recently, which means, that in those years that past when he was teaching me, I never once cared for him. I was a little shit of a git that only cared for myself.

 

I wanted to ask him why he never did share, not including his sexual innuendos and adventures, his own humanity. I was left wondering why? Was it because he thought that I will lose some of my respect for him if I see him as a normal person? Did he feel that by sharing his own problems, that it will take away the spotlight from my own issues? Or was it as simple as he didn't trust me enough to share his own burdens?

 

I wanted to know. I needed to know. Because right now, being as stubborn as I am, I went and tried to become a mentor myself. And thinking that not sharing my own problems to those who look up to me, is taking away something from that mentor-mentee relationship. But my problem is, it's not working. Not one bit.

 

So I guess, I got the answer for myself. That as a mentor, it's my job to help those who needed guidance. It's not part of my job description to share my own follies to them, because gods know that they are already stressed enough with what they are carrying. As the adult and the person with the most experience, I should have kept my own issues to myself. Doing so, would highlight the issues that needed to be addressed. Not my issues, but theirs. Because as a mentor, as a guide, as a muse, it is these kids' future that's more important. Not ours, and definitely, not mine.

Bored As F--?!

 

I've been in the BPO industry for more than a decade but I still haven't climb the ladder of success. I guess, moving from one company to the next is not a bad precedent. That, and my attendance issues.

 

I know my problem and that problem is myself. I don't think I have the right attitude. Plus, I get bored quickly. As my previous boss would always say, I'm a walking proof that talents are wasted with aimless people. I have the talent, I know how to use them, but for some reason, I choose not to.

 

Oh, I know I'm good. Actually, better than good. Let's say, for modesty sake, that I'm above average. But that doesn't mean I'm not expendable. I've proven that quite often enough to my own detriment.

 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that my current job sucks. It's freaking boring. There's no advancement of knowledge and the pay is just enough to cover my bills. I could leave, yes, but after facing so many rejection in these past months, I think I'll lick my wounds for now, and settle into this job. After all, I can blog while waiting for my workload. It's just that it's so boring.

 

So boring, in fact, that I brought my origami papers at work so I can do origami whenever the boredom is almost choking me to death. Most of the time though, I surf the net for stuff. Did you know that one of the biggest/largest bat in the world can be found here, in our country? The species Acerodon jubatus also known as giant golden-crowned flying fox, is endemic to our country but is nearing extinction due to deforestation and hunting.  All of that I found out because I had to much time on my hands.

 

Another thing that I've been doing is scanning the world wide web for one of my long lost blog. I wrote something back in 2007 when I was in the process of withdrawal from the blogging world but forgot what or where I wrote it. It took me a good two days to find them. 'Them' because I actually found two. One that I wrote back in 2007, and the other one, back in 2009.

 

Please note that they are not so safe for work.

 

The Dark Lord Strikes Back

 

The Dark Room Returns

 

Reading them almost gave me cancer. The grammar sucks, not that I'm perfect now, but knowing that I wrote them and that I can't edit them anymore (I don't know the username and password for them) makes me cringe. However, that doesn't mean that I'm not proud of my work. I am. After all, it shows my psyche during those turbulent years of my life.

 

Well, that's it for now. I'm a little beat because of something that happened last night that disappointed me. Tomorrow, when I can feel a little more sunshine on my face, maybe I'll do a retro post for all the Project 360 that I missed and the two Origami Tuesdays that I didn't post. Well, maybe.

 

Cheers!

P360 - Day 004

'Love WIns'

Earlier today, it was a momentous event for our brothers and sisters in the United States of America. The Supreme Court of their land declared that banning same sex marriage is illegal and unconstitutional, thereby saying that anyone, straight, gay, lesbian, anyone can be married. Because marriage is not about procreation, it's about love.

There's a case filed in our very own Supreme Court asking it to declare our country's Family Code, the very same code that declares marriage is only between a man and a woman, for the interest of procreation, as illegal and unconstitutional. If this happens, then it will open up the field for sweeping changes in favor of the LGBT community that until now, is asking our government to pass a law that criminalize discrimination against us. Currently, there's no law that protects us. Just morals and common respect.

The fight is far from over, but we are making strides.  Ultimately, everyone knows, love always win.

Sensing Senses

It's no secret that those who loves movies also loves TV series. OK, not all. But I'm certainly one of those whose in the 'love' category. That's why whenever I have spare time, I scan torrent sites for new series that I can binge watch on a weekend. And I found one very exciting new series that I finished watching last weekend. All 12 episodes in one day. I know, noob. But hey, that's all they have on their first season!

 

I like stories where the protagonist is actually bad. Not "good bad", but "bad bad" (Frank Underwood) yet they're like unicorns so I had to settle with the "good bad" characters - House, Backstrom, the Winchesters, Patrick Jane, to name a few. And now, we can add a whole bunch of people, eight to be exact, to this "good bad" people. They are the Sensates (Sense8 is a series from Netflix)

 

According to Wikipedia, the plot revolves around eight strangers from different parts of the world who suddenly become mentally and emotionally linked. The show aims to explore subjects that its writers felt science fiction shows, at least ostensibly, tend to ignore or skim through such as politics, identity, sexuality, gender and religion.

 

I really didn't care for any of that because the first episode threw me on a loop because there's so much happening that I wasn't able to understand anything (I watched it while playing online games so my attention was split in half) but everything changed when I saw this guy.

 

 

He's Brian J. Smith and plays Will Gorski, a Chicago police officer and one of the Sensates, and is currently the object of my sexual desire. I mean, who wouldn't right? Just look at how he's biting his lips, rawr!

 

Then there's this guy. He reminds me of someone I know. I'm not into beards and hairy icky stuff but this guy just blew my mind. I guess, he's the exception to my rules. He's hot!

 

  

He's Alfonso Herrera, he plays Hernando, Lito's (another Sensate) lover. Yup, he's gay in this series and there's some NSFW actions that just blew me away. He's on screen chemistry with Lito is just pure magic. If there's one reason to watch this series, it's the Lito x Hernando love team! I'm already a fan!

 

 

 

Ahem. Alright. You got me. This is not a review. I just wanted to share this gorgeous guys here (as if this blog is not gay enough LOL!) I'll have the full write up about the series next week :D

 

 

But seriously, download and watch the series. It's entertaining.

Trial and Effort

Ever since I started the "revival" of sort for this blog, I've been filled with ideas on what I wanted to post and share. There's some projects that I've been meaning to start for a few years now and I think this will be the best time to do so. Also, I've decided to have a "post of the day" on certain days of the week to have a certain "regularity". Not only will it be good to have a goal, but it's therapeutic as well.

 

Unfortunately, as much as I want to start it today, I will have to delay it for one more day. I've been bugged by a certain feeling, a certain emotion, that I just can't shrug. It's been bothering me for a couple of weeks now and I think writing it here, will somehow lessen the burden, if not completely remove it. So please, pardon the break on the happy lines, even for just today.

 

First of, I'm disappointed. For years, I've trained myself to be careful, to not to trust easy, and more importantly, to never expect anything. Expectation begets disappointments. And yet here I am, sitting in my desk, bored as fuck, thinking about nothing but how much disappointed I am at myself for trusting, for believing, for hoping, for expecting... I should have known better. That's why this line from one of Adele's song really gets in my nerve:

 

 

"...who would have known how, bittersweet this would taste..."

 

 

I do. I would have known. I should have known. I've been there way to many times. I'm so stupid to let my guard down.

 

And so I got hurt. Still hurting. Nursing my bruised ego like a little Chihuahua licking it's wound. And hurt, leads to anger. Anger that is both misplaced and unjust. Because I'm angry at those people that hurt me. I shouldn't be. I should be angry at myself. It was my fault to let them in. They just did what a normal, sane, individual does - hurt people. They're human and that's what they do. I just should have known better.

 

I know how can this be resolved. I know what I need so I can move on. But I don't want to do it. I'm scared. I'm afraid. I'm petrified. They had no idea that they hurt my feelings. How could they? I didn't tell them. I didn't share with them what irks me. They didn't know me. Because I didn't let them know me. But I did trust them. What a fool I've been. Trusting people who doesn't even want to know who I am.

 

 

I'm such an asshole.

 

 

 

"Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it."
--Judy Blume

Beginning Of A New Ending

It's past midnight and I'm preparing for work. Everyone in the house is still up, watching "Here Comes The Bride" on TV. I've seen the movie so I didn't give it much attention and just walked right past it on my way out of the house.

 

On my way to work, sitting inside a bus as it hurtled along EDSA, a lady argued with the conductor about the fare. Apparently, they were overpricing their tickets and those who are caught unaware paid more. Good thing she knows how much she should be paying and stood her ground. She got some of her money back.

 

Now I'm in the office, waiting for something to happen. There's no point in asking for more responsibilities. I tried. There's none. So I just sit idle while waiting for people to call. Wasting away like all the other days that I've been here. What a waste of talent.

 

I pulled up my blog. A comment from Sepsep. It's always nice to see someone comment on your work, especially someone like him. If you know him and had the privilege of reading his work, you'll know what I'm talking about.

 

And then my eye wandered to the very top of this blog. The banner and the title that I decided to use was shouting at me. Daring me. Glaring at me.

The Beginning Of A New Ending

the day I changed how my fate ends...

 

When I started this blog, I had a purpose. I had an idea. A new beginning. A new ending. A new me. Funny thing is, that I've been drudging on like a drone, feeling hurt, downright depressing, and someone of a downer... someone I've always been, a complete contrast to what I was trying to achieve here. I've lost my focus. I've taken my eye off the prize.

 

I'm suddenly reminded how the characters in the movie I mentioned above got their second chances and what they made use of it. I'm reminded of the lady in the bus that stood her ground and fight for what is rightfully hers. And I'm reminded of how Sepsep keep on telling me about redemption and such. That this blog can be better. That I could be better.

 

This blog should not be a reminder of the past but a beacon of light.

 

It is time to change the course of things. Though it had a rough and bumpy start, it's time to create a new ending. Fate has given me another chance. I intend to take it.

Of Crossroads And Other Paths

"...Now I have come to the crossroads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard..."

- Lt. Col. Frank Slade, Scent of A Woman

 

 

I've been going through a lot lately. Don't ask me what about because I myself doesn't know what or why. All I know is that lately, I'm always tired, drained of energy, and some days, downright depressed. I've lost my appetite for both food and life. All I want to do is to lock myself in my room, day and night, waste away playing online games, until the day I die.

 

I've lost my motivation, my push, my will to live.

 

I'm merely existing. Almost flitting.

 

It could be depression. I don't know and I don't care. I just thought writing it here could somehow help. Or maybe this is just a call for attention that I think I deserve. Maybe.

 

I've been doing some thinking lately. Which is bad considering that I overthink everything. I oftentimes allow my mind to wander way far ahead. That's why I stopped thinking about many things for a long time. But having all this time that I have now that I have locked myself away from everyone, I can't help but think.

 

For the good part, I wanted to reinvent this blog. I have an idea of making it more light and fun. Though it will run contrary to what I feel usually, at least it won't be so heavy. I will try to inject humor to the tragedy that I will share. Again, someone that is not me. But it would be redundant if I write as who I really am in real life, someone who is boring, heavy to be with, full of drama individual. What's the use of having an online persona right? It's just it won't be me. It won't be me.

 

For the bad part, I've been thinking of breaking up with the love of my life, my current partner, my boyfriend, my one. I love him so much and it pains me to see him suffering because of me. Would he be hurt if I leave him, yes, he will be. At least I hope he will be. And then he'll move on. Compare that to being stuck with me through all this years, sucking up all his positive vibes and replacing it with my negative aura. Imagine living with a dementor as your partner. You'll be insane as all the prisoners in Azkaban. I don't want him to be insane. I want him to be happy. And I don't think I can do that anymore.

 

I'm on a crossroad of some sort. I know what path I must take. Will I take it? I don't know.  It seems to be too damn hard.

And So I Write.... Again.

I'm sad today. I don't know why. I have an idea why but I really don't know the reason behind the general feeling of sadness I currently feel. I want to hide inside my room and cuddle some pillows. I just want to stay in bed all day or until this feeling of anxiety and depression goes away. Until then, I shall write. I heard/read somewhere that writing down your thoughts could help in alleviating some of the stress and tension one feels. Here's to giving it a try.

 

I want to do a lot of things and I hate myself for ruining every opportunities accorded to me. I hate myself for allowing pride and selfishness to destroy my hopes and dreams. I hate myself for letting everyone I know down, for letting myself down. I do not know how else to put it. I do not know how else to say it. I fucking hate myself.

 

Apparently, I don't know much. I thought I did. Or more like, I hope I did. No, that's wrong. I knew that I didn't know much. I was just confident enough that I can bullshit my way through things. Such is my gift and my curse. The power of the tongue. Be that as it may, I am getting tired of this shit. I'm getting tired period. I just want some peace and quiet. I just can't afford it. Because I was, and still am, eternally stupid.

 

I'm getting tired of people in general. In my line of work, we call it burning out. Usually, a trip to the beach, or a night out with friends should do the trick of rekindling the flames. But who am I kidding. I don't do fun. I don't do friends. I pretend. A lot. And then pretend some more. Because pretending is the only way that I know how to make people happy. Because if I didn't pretend, I'll be like a black hole/dementor that sucks away happiness from people just by being around them. The thought just made me smile. I'm an evil person.

 

I feel shackled. I feel tied down. I feel caged, unable to fly. I want to go. I want to travel. I want to see the world. But I've created the very circumstance that prevents me from doing so. I've shackled, tied down, and caged myself. Because I was stupid enough to believe in luck...

 

I will stop here. Obviously writing is not helping me in my current situation. The more I write, the more hate I feel towards myself.

 

 

I'll just go back to watching porn.

Of Dreams and Reality

A new born baby, touching a man's face for the first time, and knowing that that man is his father.

 

A kid, sitting alone in the corner, looking longingly out the window, watching the other kids play.

 

A young boy, playing by himself, while all the others are laughing and running, because no one wants to play with him.

 

A student, passing a project with just his name on it, his classmates jeering and pointing, saying crude words of selfishness and disgust.

 

A young man behind bars, determined not to show his fears to the big angry man that took his shoes away.

 

Fear. Loneliness. Dread. Anger. Grief.

 

A picture of a brain, glowing. A voice, saying a radioactive 7 isotope was the key to reveal our oldest memories.

 

 

I woke up drenched in sweat.

 

What a weird dream.

Bukas, Blonde Na Ako!

 

  

habang naglalamyerda sa fezbuko ang lolo mo, nawindang ang beauty ko sa nasightsung ko! Jiritaton to the highest level! Wit talaga akiz makapaniwala pero pero pero trulili daw itetch!

 

 

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ang tarush ni ate! holding hands kyeme kyeme in public with the ever poging boy of my dreams! punyenta! asan ang hustisya! hahahaha oo nga bitter ocampo na ang lolo nyo. Kasi naman teh, tingnan mo naman si kuya, sya nakahawak kay ateng. SYA! Kakaloka! hahaha

spluk ni chichay, ang pokpokitang kasama ko sa parlor, nung nasight nya ang picturet, "Kuya ang wafu nga nya pero pero pero sure akiz na jutay ang tweety bird nyan hihihi" "Oo nga, baka may baktol si kuya o di kaya may tinatagong lihim na si ateng lang ang nakakaalam. Kapag tumingin yan sa akin titingnan ko talaga ang fez at eyes nya baka nanghihingi ng saklolo hihihi" "Oh di kaya kuya, baka alive alive yan tapos dinukot nya si ateng para pagexperimentuhan kung paano maeksorsis ang pagkabuhok mais nya hahaha" "Nyahahaha plangak! Pasok sa banga! Sight mo ang mga mata ni ateng, parang hindi mapakali! Parang naghahanap ng magbabakasaling tumulong sa kanya." "May tama ka kuya! Tapos kapag may tumulong, jujombagin nya kasi keri na maeksorsis basta ba ganyan ka-hot ang whattemen hihihi"

Kung makalait ang pokpokita wagas, palibhasa ingeterang froglet sya. Knowsline naman kasi namin na wit kami makaka fish ng kagaya ni kuya kahit na magplanking kami sa EDSA. Para sayo ateng, we're happy for you! Kapag nagsawa ka, wag kakalimutan, nanditech lang kami hihihi

 



Not Your Ordinary Tuesday

When I got to the gym last Tuesday, there wasn't much people. Which is actually good because I can do the workouts that I can never do when someone is already hogging a station. As I was changing in the locker, Red and Blue came in. They're already in their gym clothes so they just placed their valuables in the locker and went out. After them, came in White. He immediately stripped down to his underwear, without a care to the world, and changed to his gym clothes. He then quickly went out as if he's after the cute couple. I followed suit shortly.

 

White is a young professional, who likes wearing white. Hence, the name. He has a very athletic built and an exotic Asian face. What sets him apart is his glow. Yes, he glows. With skin as smooth as silk, and as flawless as porcelain, I'm sure if I get to touch and feel it, it would be like those of a baby - supple, soft, tender. He's the kind of guy that we seldom refer to as a "head turner".

 

Red is model, I think. I 'm not sure about his nationality but I think he's American. With stormy grey eyes and a shock of sandy blonde hair, he's definitely an eye candy.
He always sport a red top with  arm holes that goes to his waist. That's why the oglers can very well see his lean cut body, and his pinkish nipple. I heard some people refer to him as a Greek god.

Blue is Red's boyfriend. I think he's a model too. He has this pinkish to red lips and a five o'clock shadow that compliments his steely black eyes and puts emphasis on his squared jaw. If Red is a Greek god for some, for me, Blue is Apollo incarnate. One could even make a case that he's Narcissus or Adonis, because of his chiseled body and towering height. Yes, he's that hot. And like you guessed, he likes wearing blue tops.

 

I went to the dumbbell section and sat on a corner, trying to focus on what I'm supposed to be doing. Red and Blue joined me in the section but sat to the other side of the room, as if they already know what kind of distraction they could bring to a powerless human, like me. As soon as they are seated, four more people joined us. They sat in the middle of the section. They are like the sharks in the ocean that separates Blue and Red  from me. We're all lined in front of this giant mirror so we can all see that we're doing the exercise correctly, or so it would seem. From where I was sitting, it was very evident that the four "sharks" are just there to look at the couple. Yes, they're working out but only with minimal effort so that they won't be distracted from the show. Who can blame them? I won't.

 

As I was going through my dumbbell routine, Red stood in front of the mirror, lifted his shirt as if to check his abs. Time seem to stopped. The sharks stopped what they were doing and just looked at Red's abs in the mirror. The silence made Red conscious so he turned his back from the four and went back to his routine. I almost chuckled at the reaction Red got. Then, as if it was a competition, Blue lifted his shirt too. The ocean parted. The world stopped. And the sharks, who were contended to just see Red's abs reflection in the mirror, looked at Blue's directly. Oblivious. Obnoxious. I wanted to bash their heads with a dumbbell. How dare they look at him? He's mine! Well, at least, in my head.

 

Red seems to notice the commotion Blue's abs is causing so he tapped his shoulders to stop. And he did. But Red is pure evil and I hate him. When Blue turned to face him, he lifted Blue's shirt and touched his abs in front of us. He touched his abs! In front of us! He dare! I wanted to revolt, I wanted to kick is tight bubble shape ass! When I heard Blue chuckle at what Red was doing, it was enough for me. Even though I'm not yet done with my exercise, I left the section before I kill someone.

 

I transferred to the cable section so I salvage what time I have left for a proper exercise. But it seems Fate is playing his dice yet again. Blue and Red transferred to the abs section that's just near my area. Oh my! What temptation this couple is bringing! So instead of looking in their general direction, I focused on what's in front of me. There's White, sweating like a sex machine, running on the treadmill, looking towards... son of a biscuit! of course, he's looking at Red and Blue as they lift their legs in the air, showing everyone what powerful legs they have. Legs that you can sit on for hours and they won't complain. Legs that can help their thrust to be deep and powerful... Argh! Enough!

 

I decided then to finish up with the cable before anything more temptation comes my way. I turned my back from them but that brings White to my sight. How the hell does he manage to look so fresh even though he's full of sweat? And those skin of  his, they're just perfect. Ah, I'm getting distracted again. And so I lifted, I pulled, I pushed, and as I was about to finish, Blue stood, put his hands in his shorts, and repositioned his stick. I dropped the weights with a bang but that didn't catch his attention. There's already a commotion in the treadmill area. Someone seems to have lost his focus and fell from the machine. It was White.

 

I hate Tuesdays.

Busted

I really thought the day would never come... wait, who am I kidding, I always knew this day will come. It was just a matter of time.

Apparently, my boyfriend, my partner in life, knew about this blog's existence for quite sometime. He just didn't say anything about it. Not until today anyway.

He was hurt. Still hurting. I can't say I blame him for hating me. I did write some things here that, well, let's just say borders social conventions of what a relationship should be.

Today's the fourth time that our relationship suffer such a crushing blow in it's two years of existence. I would enumerate them all but I do not have the energy to do so... Let's just say twice it was my fault, twice was his. Today's mine though. And I hate myself more than the usual.

I could have denied it. I could have lied. But I made a promise that I would never lie to him. Yes, an arguement can be made that keeping a secret is lying by omission. Good thing he would disagree with that.

He has his secrets and I respect his privacy. I was an open book to him from day one. I never pretended, I never held back. But there were just those things that I can't talk about without writing... hiding behind the anonymity of the world wide web. Sharing my thoughts to others like myself.

The thing is, I never intended to hurt him. I never intended to hide things. Things just happened. I know, it's a lame excuse. I should know, I'm very good with excuses. Used them my entire life.

He will read this. He will probably hate me even more. Talking to faceless people instead of him... sharing my thoughts to people other than him...

Ah, I'm babbling. I was stupid and I knew it. I hate myself. I love him and I want to spend my life with him.  I know he wanted the same thing too. I just keep on making it difficult for him... what a shame.

A Walk To Remember

Ever have that one person that occupies your fantasies whenever you're horny? I do. He's name is Von. We met back in 2011 through DowneLink (DL). He had a boyfriend back then and I was just rebounding from a bad relationship. We dated, went out, made out, but nothing really serious nor did we had sex. I really like him. As in, really, really, really like him. So much so that I was too afraid to be in anything intimate with him because I know I can't make him happy. Don't ask, I just know. And no, I couldn't care less for his boyfriend then. That cheating bastard. I'm going to gut him for hurting my Von. But I digress.

So, I like the guy. I think I'm even in love with him. There are times that when I look into my future (madam rosa is that you?) I can see myself being happy with him. But no, it can not be. I'm too much of a chicken shit to go down that road. That's why I contended myself with drooling about his six pack abs, or salivating about his sexy cut arms, or fantasizing about that sweet, red lips of his and what it would feel like around my... stahp!!!!

inhale. exhale.

You get the point. I'm uber attracted to the guy. That's why, even now that we're both committed to someone, I make it a point that we meet once a year. Socially of course. No naughty dirty monkey business. Am I cheating? Probably. Do I care? Of course. But not enough.

I asked him out last June for a movie and and tea. He declined. My hopes were dashed of seeing him this year. But last Sunday, he asked me out for an early dinner. Obviously, I accepted and reschedule my movie date with my boyfriend. I rationalized that this will be just a social meeting so no harm done. And so I thought.

We had dinner at his favorite pizza place in QC. The conversation and catching up was great. We haven't really talked to each other for more than a year and there's a lot of things we can talk about. When we had our fill, we decided to take a leisurely walk down the streets and have a much more intimate conversation.

We talked why I never asked him out officially. He asked why I never made the move when he cried on my shoulders when his ex broke up with him. We talked about our past, my fears, my fantasies, his dreams, his plans, and then he asked why we never went all the way when it's clear we're both attracted to each other.

silence. we walked in silence. contemplating the situation. measuring the temperature. 

and then, for the first time in all those almost four years of knowing each other, he asked me, nope, he offered me, his body. The body, that I fantasize and imagine all those years, mine for the taking, all I have to do is to reach and grab it. I just have to say the words and my dreams will come true.

I said no.

I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to do it. I wanted to take it. But then I said no. I hate myself for saying no. But I did. Because I love my boyfriend. Because I'm afraid that whatever special thing between Von and I, might be snuff out if we do go that route.

because I'm a chicken shit. and I will always hate myself for it.

It's Been A While

I visit this blog almost everyday yet for all the time that I have, I can't seem to put pen to paper, so to speak. So today, being a weekend and I'm stuck in the office, I finally have the motivation to write something and share my thoughts again - it's just I don't know how and where to begin, which just reminded me of something I heard in one of those countless movies I've seen...

"...always begin your story at the beginning"

and so I shall.

I wanted to write about all those movies I've seen in the past few months. There's been some great ones and those that I really don't know why I watched it in the first place. I just didn't get around to writing any "reviews" about them. Not for lack of trying though. I just lack inspiration.

When the news broke out about the pork barrel scams and scums, I was sure that I have enough mojo to write something here. Surely my political views that's verging to racism is something I've always wanted to share. Alas, no post was made.

When I gave in to that one vanity that I have, I was sure as hell that I would write about it. Yet nothing. All those time I sat in front of my computer ended in a staring match between my blinking cursor and I. 

When Glenda passed by and people where going gaga over how strong it was compared to all those past weather disasters, I was sure I would write something to correct them and point out that it was nothing compared to what I have seen. Yet it was another staring competition that I can't seem to win.

When I got a new laptop, I said to myself, surely, this time, at the luxury of my own room, I would be able to write something. But those dastardly addicting FB games got in the way. GoT Ascent anyone? Sheez.

And now we circle back to this. Another lame post for a lame blog from  a lame blogger. What a pity.

But hey, I have a boyfriend but we haven't had sex for more than 5 months, now that's indeed been a while.

Office Affair

"So there's this guy..."

I hate stories that begins with this phrase. It's so foreboding that you always seem to know what the story will be about. But then again, one of the most thrilling and orgasmic stories I've ever read did start with this exact phrase.

So, there's this guy. He's name is Kelvin. He's a chubby but cute guy here in the office. If you're not looking for him, you'll probably just pass him by. But not for me. He caught my eyes.

Don't get me wrong. I will not cheat on my boyfriend. I love him. But Kelvin, well, let's just say he's been appearing in my daily routine to help me get some needed sleep. And it was some of the most, uhm, thrilling(?) fantasies I've had. The way I imagine it... the way we move... the look on his face... ahm yeah, I'm getting carried away. Let's just say that I've ran out of lotion in less than a month of meeting him.

OK, some more description. He's early to mid 20's, stands 5'9, fair to light complexion, average built leaning towards heavy due to some "baby fats". He smells like honey and knows how to dress. He has a great smile that shows off his pearly whites, and those eyes, they look at you as if to say that you are his and you should be happy about it. Besides these physical traits, he bakes, reads, sings, dance, and comes from money. Basically he's almost perfect. Almost. I say almost because, well, he's straight.

There's something about this guy that pulls me towards him. May it be in person while at work or while I'm busy with myself thinking of him. I don't want to be with him as in boyfriend/boyfriend thing. Nope, this is just pure physical, carnal lust. I feel that after I taste the forbidden fruit that he's hiding in that bulge of his, I will be over him faster than I cum when I'm thinking of riding him while he stare at me with those lustful eyes, smiling sheepishly as if to say that I'm enjoying pleasuring myself with his machismo.

Ugh. I need a cold shower. And another bottle of lotion.

Delusions Of Grandeur

I find myself awake at night (or day depending on my schedule) thinking of things that are supposedly not my concerns. I sometimes caught myself day dreaming instead of sleeping. Thinking of things that could, should, and would have been. And no, I am not being sentimental nor remorseful about my past mistakes. Nor do I have wallow on self pity or regret for how bad my current situation is. I had come to terms with those demons way too long ago that they no longer bother me. No, I am kept awake by those delusions of power. Of things I would do and could do given the chance that I am in a position of power to effect the said change. Yes, you got that right. I was day dreaming of being the president of the republic.

There's tons of things that needed to be changed. There's a lot of hope and dreams that can still be fulfilled. There's still a chance for us to get out of this cycle of poverty that our elected(?) leaders shoved our country in. But everything needs to start from one person. The person that people will look up to, someone they can see as the fix point in this fight against poverty, a person they can see as the light at the end of the tunnel. And I believe that person should be the president of the country. Of our country.

As I type these words, my mind started to wander yet again so I have to pause. Our country has a lot of problems and it doesn't need another self righteous, self indignant individual to order it around. With that, my plans and dreams will remain as that. Dreams.