So What?

I was about to post the continuation of my sad story but decided against it. Though I already typed close to 200 words, I scrapped everything and went with this post instead. Because after everything is said and done, I can't changed the fact that I failed. That I relapsed into my gambling ways. That I've lost my entire paycheck in one sitting. That I've ruined my weekend getaway with boyfie. That, I now have no means to pay my bills or even buy food. Those are the facts and they are indisputable. But then again, so what?

 

So what if I failed?  So what if I lost?

 

At least I tried.

 

Now what?

 

Now it's time to move on.

 

The Sun still shines right? I'm still breathing. I can still fight.

 

I might have lost this battle. But I will win this war.

Papers and Projects

Sorry about the ruckus yesterday. There was just some things that you have to get out your chest for you're afraid that keeping it in any longer could result to a serious explosion. But, enough of that. Let's go back to the regular programming.

o·ri·ga·mi (ôrəˈɡämē/)

n - the Japanese art of folding paper into decorative shapes and figures.

My love for origami started with my dad.

When I was a kid, I was very envious of those kids flying paper kites. I would always bug my dad to make me one to which he will always drunkenly reply "go do it yourself". It's funny how dad can be sometimes. So, I grew up not knowing how to make one. It's sad, I know.  What's sadder still, is that I never flew one. Not even to this day. Something that I will remedy before the year ends.

Now even though that my dad didn't teach me how to make a kite or even fly one, he did teach me how to make paper airplanes. He showed me three different ways in making them and more ways in making them fly. He even taught me how to make a plane drop a "bomb". Those were good times. That's why whenever I can, I make paper airplanes and make them fly. It's a reminder of the very few moments in my short childhood that I can call "happy".

Which brings me back to the topic of my post today.

From paper airplanes to dragons. How time flies. I guess you can say that my very first origami was the paper airplanes that I made growing up. Add to that, the paper boats my brother and I crafted so they can float in the flood that usually occupies our living room during rainy seasons. I wish I could've saved all those paper planes and boats. What memories and stories they could have told. Alas, we can only move forward. And so onward we go.

Daso, The Dragon

I followed the instruction of Jo Nakashima in his YouTube video to make this creation. It was tough but it was very enjoyable. The background image is a wallpaper that I got from here, I then placed the origami in front of my laptop screen to create the image.

 

One of the things that I mentioned in my previous post are the projects that I intended to start in this blog. This is one of them. "Origami Tuesday". I know, it's no longer Tuesday. I had to push this post to this day to accommodate my ranting. Hopefully, this is the start of a continuous project that I can do in a weekly basis, at least until the end of the year.

The other thing that I wanted to start is Project 360. It's a concept I first learned during my Flickr days. One picture that represents your day, every day, for a whole year. I've tried and failed numerous times in making this project come to life. This is my fifth and final stab on this pie. Hopefully, this too, I can finish until June 2016.

Day 001 - Wear and Tear

Descriptions were frown upon because the picture and the caption should be more than enough to express what you went through that day. However, since this is not Flickr and I don't really give a shit if they do frown or not, I will add descriptions or if I can, a little story, to my daily pictures. But not today. Maybe tomorrow. After all, tomorrow's another day.

Beginning Of A New Ending

It's past midnight and I'm preparing for work. Everyone in the house is still up, watching "Here Comes The Bride" on TV. I've seen the movie so I didn't give it much attention and just walked right past it on my way out of the house.

 

On my way to work, sitting inside a bus as it hurtled along EDSA, a lady argued with the conductor about the fare. Apparently, they were overpricing their tickets and those who are caught unaware paid more. Good thing she knows how much she should be paying and stood her ground. She got some of her money back.

 

Now I'm in the office, waiting for something to happen. There's no point in asking for more responsibilities. I tried. There's none. So I just sit idle while waiting for people to call. Wasting away like all the other days that I've been here. What a waste of talent.

 

I pulled up my blog. A comment from Sepsep. It's always nice to see someone comment on your work, especially someone like him. If you know him and had the privilege of reading his work, you'll know what I'm talking about.

 

And then my eye wandered to the very top of this blog. The banner and the title that I decided to use was shouting at me. Daring me. Glaring at me.

The Beginning Of A New Ending

the day I changed how my fate ends...

 

When I started this blog, I had a purpose. I had an idea. A new beginning. A new ending. A new me. Funny thing is, that I've been drudging on like a drone, feeling hurt, downright depressing, and someone of a downer... someone I've always been, a complete contrast to what I was trying to achieve here. I've lost my focus. I've taken my eye off the prize.

 

I'm suddenly reminded how the characters in the movie I mentioned above got their second chances and what they made use of it. I'm reminded of the lady in the bus that stood her ground and fight for what is rightfully hers. And I'm reminded of how Sepsep keep on telling me about redemption and such. That this blog can be better. That I could be better.

 

This blog should not be a reminder of the past but a beacon of light.

 

It is time to change the course of things. Though it had a rough and bumpy start, it's time to create a new ending. Fate has given me another chance. I intend to take it.

Of Views And Perspectives

Not too long ago, I met a guy named Trip. We we're both bloggers and in a committed relationship and we both wrote about our sexual exploits, the parallelism ended there. We have different approach when it comes to writing and life in general. He often points out that though our blog contents were the same, his is leaning more towards morality and guidance while mine tends to just be that, pure, raw, lust. To be honest, I never really saw the moral in his posts. But hey, that's his opinion so that's that.

 

As time goes by, I started calling him "Master Trip" just for the heck of it. Other bloggers joined in and he started calling me his "Apprentice". Though I didn't plan on anything more than a mere empty jest, I got to admit, I actually liked the idea of being an apprentice. And so begins our mentor / mentee relationship.

 

He thought me how to become cynical. He would disagree, of course. He doesn't like being tagged as someone who teaches cynicism but that's the truth. He also taught me that everything is relative, and as such, truth is relative. My truth may be different from his truth, and so on. Kind of mind bending shit but it works. He made sure that I remain critical about everything and anything. And that every story has more than one version. You may have heard the saying that there's three version? Your version, Their version, and The Truth. Trip has a different approach. There's actually nine - Yours, What you think theirs is, Theirs, What they think yours is, What we want people to know, What they want people to know, What people perceive, What people believe, and What people would like you to believe. He taught me all of this things without actually teaching them to me. He just showed me the way. And for that, I looked at him as my life coach.

 

He also share his views on relationships and his version of what cheating is. Views that I share and agree to up to this day. It's a very long story. Maybe I'll save that for another time. I have a different side of the story that I wanted to share today.

 

As my life coach, he became the person that I go to for everything that happened to my life. relationship issues, work problems, family feuds, everything. We will just sit in his couch, drinking beer, him listening and me talking. It's always been like that. I've learned a lot. He was not selfish with his experience and knowledge. Though looking back, and I just realized this a few days ago, that there was one topic that he never shared with me. His own problems.

 

Today, I'm wondering why. Recently I've been given the chance to be a mentor myself. And I started sharing my own problems with the kids that I'm trying to guide. In my mind, this is needed to appear more human and gain more trust. But it also opens myself to pain and sadness. I wonder, is that the reason why Trip never crossed that line with me...

 

We haven't talked for a long time. There was an incident that shattered our bond. I plan to reach out to him soon. ask him why he never shared his problems and struggles with me. because right now, I'm confused and I needed some answers. and he's the only one who can answer them.

The Dark Ages

Iba talaga nagagawa ng sobrang free time, lalo na sa work. Nakatungaga sa harapan ng computer, nagpapatay ng oras. Sobrang sayang sa talento ang trabaho ko ngayon pero magaan at maluwag ang mga Gawain. Kaya kahit wala pa sa kalahati ng sinasahod ko dati ang kinikita ko buwanan, pwede na. Ang importante lang naman sa akin, may hanapbuhay akong matatawag at may pera akong naiuuwi sa bahay. Nakaktawag. Parang wala akong pangarap sa buhay kung titingnan ang buhay ko ngayon. Marahil dahil naranasan ko na halos lahat ng gusto ko maranasan. Halos lahat. May iilan pa siguro akong gusto maranas bago ako pumanaw. Pero yung mga yun ay mga pawang luho na lamang. Kaya siguro hindi ko na din sila iniisip masyado.

 

Gusto ko umakyat ulit ng bundok. Medyo matagal tagal na din ng huli akong nakaakyat. Hindi na masyado kaya ng katawan ko ngayon. Marami ng iniinda. Gusto ko tumakbo ulit sa marathon. Pero kagaya ng una, hindi na din kaya. Gusto ko maranasan ang sky diving. Masyadong mahal at sobrang luho na sya sa buhay kaya hindi ko na lang iniisip. Gusto ko din subukan ang gun range at archery range. Pero kagaya ng sky diving, sobrang luho ang tingin ko sa kanila kaya tama ng manatili silang pangarap.

 

Naalala ko bigla yung panahon na kaya ko gawin lahat ng gusto ko. May sobra sobra akong pera at lakas ng katawan para gawin ang gusto ko. Sa sobrang tiwala ko sa sarili at sa katigasan ng ulo ko, pinagpilitan kong gawin ang mga gusto kong gawin kesa sa mga kailangan kong gawin. Nalulong ako sa sugal at sa panglalalake. Hangang sa naubos lahat. Hangang sa nawalang lahat. Nasa isip ko noon, madali lang kumita ng pera at dapat habang bata, magpakasaya ako. Hindi ko naisip na dapat pala, habang bata, dapat mag impok ako. Para pagtanda, doon ako mageenjoy. Dahil pagtanda, doon ako maraming oras. Sabi nga nila, nasa huli ang pagsisisi.

 

Pagsisisi. Ah, yan siguro ang dahilan kung bakit hangang ngayon hindi ko mapatawad sarili ko sa mga kasalanan nagawa ko sa ibang tao. Yung mga kasalanan ko kasi sa sarili ko hindi ko na iniisip. Pero yung sakit na nagawa ko sa iba, yun siguro ang hinding hindi ko kayang bigyan patawad ang sarili ko. Biruin mo, tumagal ang relasyon ko noon sa ka-live in ko ng mahigit tatlong taon na umaasa lang ako sa kanya. Sya ang bumubuhay sa aming dalawa. Alam kong nahihirapan na sya, alam kong nasasaktan na sya, pero wala akong ginawa. Ilang beses nya ko binigyan ng pagkakataon para bumangon pero binalewala ko lang lahat. Nagpalipat lipat akong trabaho kasi gusto ko "big time" ako ulit agad-agad. Pero ang pinakamasakit na ginawa ko sa kanya, alam kong hindi ko na sya mahal pero pinatagal ko ang relasyon namin. Masyado na kasi akong naging kumportable na kasama sya sa buhay na hindi ko na inisip ang sarili nyang kaligayahan. Iniisip ko na lang noon, maligaya naman sya sa akin kaya ayos na yun. Alam kong niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko pero parang mas mabuti na yun kesa iwan sya at lalong mawalan ako ng tutulong sa akin.

 

Bukod sa kanya, ilang kaibigan din ang niloko ko. Isa sa kanila ang kaibigan kong blogger na taga Saudi. Naikwento ko sa kanya ang problema namin sa pera ng kinakasama ko noon. Nagpasya syang tumulong dahil mukha naman daw akong mabuting tao. Kahit masakit sa loob ko, tinangap ko ang paunang tulong nya. Pero ng maubos ko yun sa sugal, kung ano anong dahilan ang inimbento ko para lang makahu ng pera sa kanya. Halos buwan buwan nagpapadala sya ng pera sa akin. At tuwing magpapadala sya, pinapatalo ko lang sa sugal. Puro ako pangako sa sarili ko at sa kanya na babayaran ko sya, na may inaantay lang akong "deal" na matapos at magkakapera ako ng malaki. Alam ko naman na pangloloko yun pero tinuloy tuloy ko lang. Nasa isip ko noon, kung mananalo ako ng malaki sa sugal, tapos lahat ng problema ko. Kaso, hindi nangyari. Huli na ng matangap ko na talagang walang nananalo sa sugal. Umabot sa mahigit tatlong daang libo ang nakuha ko sa kanya na sana'y pampagawa nya ng bahay ng magulang nya. Napakawala kong kwentang tao. At kung tatanungin mo ngayon kung nakakabawas ba ako kahit paunti unti sa mga utang ko sa kanya? Syempre 'hindi' ang sagot ko. Hindi lang dahil ayaw na nya ko makausap at makita. Hindi ko din naman sya kayang bayaran sa ngayon kahit paunti unti. Dahil sa ngayon, yung ibang taong pinagkunan ko ng malaking halaga noon ang inuuna ko bayaran. Yan ay kung may natitira sa sinasahod ko pagkatapos ko gumastos ng parang walang utang.

 

Gusto ko bang magbago? Syempre gusto. Pero naniniwala kasi ako na walang taong tunay na nagbabago. Maari tayong magkunwari na nagbago, mag adjust, mag adopt, sa kung ano mang sitwasyon natin sa buhay, kagaya ng ginagawa ko araw-araw. Pero sa paglubog ng araw at sa pagharap natin sa salamin, alam natin na ang mukhang nakikita natin ay isang hayop, isang halimaw, na aksaya lang sa espasyo sa mundo at dapat ng mamatay. Siguro, kapag namatay ako, baka sakali, mabawasan ang galit ng mga taong nasaktan ko sa akin.

Choices

I always thought of myself as someone who knows what he needs to know. I guess that's the reason why I love that quote from the movie Scent of A Woman, immortalized by the great Al Pacino...

"Now I have come to the cross-roads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew, but I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard." - Lt. Col. Frank Slade

I don't know if I've written anything related to this quote before. I don't really care. Because right now, today, not yesterday, is what's important. Because today, I can finally write something again. Something that I thought I could never write again.

Choices. That's all it is. Everyday, we face choices that would either lead to our happiness or detriment. Choices that could harm others or keep them safe. Choices that once made, can never be undone. Choices. Life or death. Sickness or health. Choices.

People keep on saying that life is complicated. I disagree. It is not. Because at the end of the day, it all boils down into making choices. It's not even about making the right choice. There's really no right or wrong. There's only legal and illegal. All we have to do is choose.

I've made my choice a long time ago. A choice that led me to the path where I am right now. The path of suffering and pain. A path made of continuous peril. All because I chose to live "in the moment". I chose to do what I want and not what I needed.

 

While still in school, getting all As, I could have chosen the path of excellence. I could have chosen the right path - to stay in school and get my degree. The choice was in my hand. Literally and figuratively. I held the tuition fee money right there. But I decided to do what I wanted instead of what I need. I decided to live in the moment and be happy. Knowing full well that being happy then means suffering in the future. I already knew that but I just closed my eyes, said "fuck it" and soldier on.

 

For four years, I kept making the same decision over and over again. I could have stopped anytime and enroll but I didn't. Not that I couldn't but I just simply don't want to. Was it fear of ridicule or of something else? I don't think so. I was young and carefree without a fear in the world. All I know is that by the time they discover what I did, I'll be dead. I'll be gone. And the consequences of my action will be avoided.

 

But Life has something else for me. I was given jobs after jobs. Good, honest, well paying jobs. But I couldn't keep them. Whether it's because I decided to drown myself with bad vices or I just decided that I do not deserve such comfort. Honestly, I can't remember why I did it but I do know that I made a conscious decision that will put my job in jeopardy. And the people I worked with gave me countless attempts to redemption. I could have done it. I could have straighten up and become successful as they are now. Maybe it won't hurt that much when I see their success in FB. But I just laughed inside and continued what I was doing wrong. What a waste of talent and oxygen. I should have died when I was young.

 

As if giving me jobs to pick myself up out of the ditch that I dug myself in is not enough, I was also given friends that will help and support me. Great friends that to this day, are baffled at how I could have screwed up something so solid. That, and how I managed to deplete their bank accounts by continuously asking them for financial aid. I comforted myself that by naming them as beneficiary to my life insurance, I could somehow repay them. But I know better. I'm screwing them over for trusting me. I'm destroying the only thing that I have left. Reputation and trust. Well, at least the façade that I created that people adored. What a shame.

 

I was also not lacking in the love department. I have loved and been loved. They say that was the greatest achievement of all. You know what's  the worst achievement? It's not taking the love and shitting on it while destroying their names and reputation. It's not making the person you love cry. Nor is it making promises after promises while knowing full well that you won't be able to keep them. The worst achievement is not dying in spite knowing that you'll just hurt everyone you love with every breath you take.

 

I hate myself. I loathe the person I see in the mirror everyday. I want to kill the beast before it could hurt other people. Because for people like me, who've made their own bed of nails, there's no more redemption. I've given up hope.

 

Then I met this kid. He's a good kid. He thinks he knows everything. Which makes me laugh sometimes. I see a young me. Innocent and full of hope. But he's in the crossroads too. I could nudge him to the right path or could just sit and wait for him to follow on my footsteps. Because who am I to stop people from making the same mistakes I did? Who am I to say anything? I am no one. I am nothing.

 

"...Now here's Charlie. He's come to the cross-roads. He has chosen a path. It's the right path. It's a path made of principle that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey." - Lt. Col. Frank Slade

 

 

Kiddo, I know you'll read this. You don't see it yet but your going the same way I am. I might look like a good future, but trust me, it's not. I'm not.

 

 

"If I wanted you to be like me, I would be urging you to make a stupid, stubborn decision that blows up your life and leaves you lonely and miserable." - Gregory House, MD

 

"Life is pain! I wake up every morning, I'm in pain! I go to work in pain! Do you know how many times I wanted to just give up?! How many times I thought about ending it?!" - Gregory House, MD

 

Boos, Blahs, and Nahs

I've been undergoing some personal stuff and was unable to prioritize things. I'm disappointed with myself yet again. Nothing new there. Oh well.

Alright, enough with the self pity and drama. Time to keep things upbeat. It's Monday after all. Let's start this one with an update and/or a "correction" for lack of better term.

Update #1 Kami Pa Din Po!

Rereading my last two posts made me realize that it was too dark and unclear about the state of my relationship with my babe. The truth is that we're still together. I love my babe so much. Though I have to admit this is not the first time I felt this way. I've love a number of people before. But today, right now, I am in love with just one person and that's what's important.

Update #2 Movies and Reviews

I love movies. I like the way they provide a way for me to escape reality. However, that is not to say that I am a movie geek. I don't know anything about sub plots and what not. I could care less about cinematography nor about choreography. For me a good movie is something that provide me what all movie should, a break from reality and enjoyment. It's that simple. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that to those unfortunate people that will wander here in my own little space, they have to make do with a layman's look at what the movies are all about.

Update #3 This Very Blog

I've made a decision to keep this blog active. It will be my escape from work and my way of releasing some pressure and stress. It will be all over the place but at last it will be something that I can call my own. Hopefully, there will be no transference of stress from the writer to the readers.

Update #4 Bublews

I want to give this pay for writing website a try. I hope I can count on some people for help on this one. Kewlness.

My Little Foray To The Vast Unknown

The year was 1995. I just finished my elementary years and is about to enter a high school freshman. Everything is going as planned. Stay low, stay safe, stay unknown. I was not afraid of what bullies or what people has to say. I couldn't care less what they think of me. What I was really afraid of was rejection and failure. I got too much pride going for me that I dare not risk anything at all. But everything changed when I woke up one fateful afternoon...

I could still hear the splash of water... I could still feel the heat of the body trying to fight off the cold June afternoon... I was less than 12 feet away... peeping through a hole in the ceiling of our common restroom... watching a friend lather himself with soap... my hands moving as if it was his touching every inch of his skin...trying to reach that one spot.. that one thing that will bring god knows what to my being...

SNAP!

I stood up. This is not right. I shouldn't do this. What pushed me to do such act? Guilt. I was ashamed. I ran away trying to fight the urge to look one more time. I have to stop.

That evening,  I learned what heaven was like. For the first time, I touched myself. No, not touched. I masturbated. I released that pent up urge for the very first time since I took my first breath of air. And it was such a feeling that I just can't stop. I have to do it... again... and again... and again...

 I started high school and as if everything was forgotten. Too busy trying to prove that I was the best. The competition was steep. I have to fight to survive. The folly of human needs left me as fast as it encumbered me. Religion came. Everything stopped.

6 months. That's how long I lasted. I just had to peek through the hole and satisfy my curiosity as to what "fun" the person inside the bathroom was partaking. This time, I didn't run away. I watched. I groped. I played. I craved. I came. Almost at the same time as the guy I was watching.

And so it continued to happen and I continued to watch. It was like a dance between to distant souls separated by that mere 12 feet of air. Moving together, as one, to the rhythm of the water... as it burst... as it drips.. as it drops.

It may be the effect of the "love bug" that's been affecting people lately that we've seen people posting different stories about love that made me write this but I enjoyed reminiscing the past.

A New Hope In A New Home

I tried to write but writing doesn't seem to like me. No matter. I shall plow on and hope that one day, writing will begin to like me...

A new hope. Ah... hope. Yes, that is indeed the operative word for me. Not just because it's 2014 and the year is just beginning. And no, it's not because I was at the precipice of my existence that change suddenly showed his face to me. Nope. I don't think that it's part of any of those things. I hope because I started to believe. I started to believe because I chose to. I decided that I should take charge of my own life and stop risking everything to chance. I'm too old, I'm too tired, and I'm too fucking blind for all that jazz. It's time to face the music and be a man. 

A new home. A place where I could write. Where I could share my inner thoughts and my being. A place were my mind can rest easy because finally, I can let loose all those words and musings that are churning in my tiny brain. No more dead cellulose. There will be more place for new knowledge now that I have a home were I can bring my old thoughts to. Yes, rest.

Today is the day. A great day. A day that will go down in history as boy who pretended to be man finally became a man.

It is a good day indeed.