Then And Now

 

I half expected that something will change... that something can change. I was wrong. Or maybe, and this is me being hopeful, I just running out of patient and something will really change, it's just that it hasn't happened yet.

 

I failed miserably in my effort to revitalize my life. Add to that my effort in making this blog exciting was an epic fail. There's no one else to blame but myself. I made a choice, a poor choice, that led to my life being caught in a vicious cycle of despair-anger-hope-crash-despair, that there seems to be no end in sight. Which gave me an idea on how to post on this blog, moving forward. 

 

'Ganito Ako Noon, Heto Ako Ngayon'

 

It will be a look on how I was before and how I am now, bearing in mind that the situation is the same as before. It'll be like, when I gambled before I felt no remorse, nor guilt, because it was a conscious decision that I made. That was before. Today, when I gambled, I felt shame and hate. I still made the decision to gamble but the proudness is no longer there. There, something like that. A point of comparison on a younger self, and a way to see if there was a lesson learned, or maturity of any kind. A form of self assessment, with hopes that in time, I will be able to say to myself, 'hah! look, I did that! A form of redemption, a path to self reclamation, a beginning of change of how I change my fate ends.'

Another Boring Day At The Office

 

Another boring day in the office. I was browsing 9gag.com when I came across this post:

 

The first point touched too many nerves for my liking but I kept reading, because no matter how I feel about this post, it has a ring of truth in it. However, as one commenter expressed, words are easy, action is tough.

 

Numbers two to four is easy. I don't give a fuck about what people think even before when I was in school. That's why I don't have friends growing up. But whatever suffering and pain I've experienced before, it's all gone now, which proves number 3. And I think it's common knowledge that we're in charge of our own happiness, so that's a no brainer.

 

I would love to make peace with my past. I just can't. I don't think it's possible in my current situation. Number three says that the pain I inflicted on others would have already passed, given ample time, so the knowledge behind it is that we should forgive ourselves for our sins, I should forgive myself. Tough luck. If I do that, then there's a possibility that I will do the same thing to someone else. I'd rather suffer.

 

It's hard not to compare my life with those that's enjoying the fruits of their labors today. I tried not to compare. I tried not to look. But it's really trying. Knowing what I know, it just makes the first point so darn tough! I guess, we can connect number five and six together. Comparing comes with thinking. Over thinking that is. And I'm prone to that. I have to keep my mind in check to stop it from wandering. Another uphill battle but winning is possible. The trick is not to think.

 

And the last point. Smile. Laughter is easy but smile isn't. We smile because we're happy. We smile because we're at peace. It's hard for someone as conflicted as I am. But soon, I will smile, too. It's promise that I made to myself.

P360 - Day 002

'Empty Conversations'

another day came and went.. 
full of empty conversations...
 
and as I lay my head to rest, 
I keep glancing, I keep hoping...
that maybe, somehow, someway...
a conversation will begin... 

one of substance, one of heart and soul... 

for my day was filled with empty conversations...

Of Views And Perspectives

Not too long ago, I met a guy named Trip. We we're both bloggers and in a committed relationship and we both wrote about our sexual exploits, the parallelism ended there. We have different approach when it comes to writing and life in general. He often points out that though our blog contents were the same, his is leaning more towards morality and guidance while mine tends to just be that, pure, raw, lust. To be honest, I never really saw the moral in his posts. But hey, that's his opinion so that's that.

 

As time goes by, I started calling him "Master Trip" just for the heck of it. Other bloggers joined in and he started calling me his "Apprentice". Though I didn't plan on anything more than a mere empty jest, I got to admit, I actually liked the idea of being an apprentice. And so begins our mentor / mentee relationship.

 

He thought me how to become cynical. He would disagree, of course. He doesn't like being tagged as someone who teaches cynicism but that's the truth. He also taught me that everything is relative, and as such, truth is relative. My truth may be different from his truth, and so on. Kind of mind bending shit but it works. He made sure that I remain critical about everything and anything. And that every story has more than one version. You may have heard the saying that there's three version? Your version, Their version, and The Truth. Trip has a different approach. There's actually nine - Yours, What you think theirs is, Theirs, What they think yours is, What we want people to know, What they want people to know, What people perceive, What people believe, and What people would like you to believe. He taught me all of this things without actually teaching them to me. He just showed me the way. And for that, I looked at him as my life coach.

 

He also share his views on relationships and his version of what cheating is. Views that I share and agree to up to this day. It's a very long story. Maybe I'll save that for another time. I have a different side of the story that I wanted to share today.

 

As my life coach, he became the person that I go to for everything that happened to my life. relationship issues, work problems, family feuds, everything. We will just sit in his couch, drinking beer, him listening and me talking. It's always been like that. I've learned a lot. He was not selfish with his experience and knowledge. Though looking back, and I just realized this a few days ago, that there was one topic that he never shared with me. His own problems.

 

Today, I'm wondering why. Recently I've been given the chance to be a mentor myself. And I started sharing my own problems with the kids that I'm trying to guide. In my mind, this is needed to appear more human and gain more trust. But it also opens myself to pain and sadness. I wonder, is that the reason why Trip never crossed that line with me...

 

We haven't talked for a long time. There was an incident that shattered our bond. I plan to reach out to him soon. ask him why he never shared his problems and struggles with me. because right now, I'm confused and I needed some answers. and he's the only one who can answer them.

The Dark Ages

Iba talaga nagagawa ng sobrang free time, lalo na sa work. Nakatungaga sa harapan ng computer, nagpapatay ng oras. Sobrang sayang sa talento ang trabaho ko ngayon pero magaan at maluwag ang mga Gawain. Kaya kahit wala pa sa kalahati ng sinasahod ko dati ang kinikita ko buwanan, pwede na. Ang importante lang naman sa akin, may hanapbuhay akong matatawag at may pera akong naiuuwi sa bahay. Nakaktawag. Parang wala akong pangarap sa buhay kung titingnan ang buhay ko ngayon. Marahil dahil naranasan ko na halos lahat ng gusto ko maranasan. Halos lahat. May iilan pa siguro akong gusto maranas bago ako pumanaw. Pero yung mga yun ay mga pawang luho na lamang. Kaya siguro hindi ko na din sila iniisip masyado.

 

Gusto ko umakyat ulit ng bundok. Medyo matagal tagal na din ng huli akong nakaakyat. Hindi na masyado kaya ng katawan ko ngayon. Marami ng iniinda. Gusto ko tumakbo ulit sa marathon. Pero kagaya ng una, hindi na din kaya. Gusto ko maranasan ang sky diving. Masyadong mahal at sobrang luho na sya sa buhay kaya hindi ko na lang iniisip. Gusto ko din subukan ang gun range at archery range. Pero kagaya ng sky diving, sobrang luho ang tingin ko sa kanila kaya tama ng manatili silang pangarap.

 

Naalala ko bigla yung panahon na kaya ko gawin lahat ng gusto ko. May sobra sobra akong pera at lakas ng katawan para gawin ang gusto ko. Sa sobrang tiwala ko sa sarili at sa katigasan ng ulo ko, pinagpilitan kong gawin ang mga gusto kong gawin kesa sa mga kailangan kong gawin. Nalulong ako sa sugal at sa panglalalake. Hangang sa naubos lahat. Hangang sa nawalang lahat. Nasa isip ko noon, madali lang kumita ng pera at dapat habang bata, magpakasaya ako. Hindi ko naisip na dapat pala, habang bata, dapat mag impok ako. Para pagtanda, doon ako mageenjoy. Dahil pagtanda, doon ako maraming oras. Sabi nga nila, nasa huli ang pagsisisi.

 

Pagsisisi. Ah, yan siguro ang dahilan kung bakit hangang ngayon hindi ko mapatawad sarili ko sa mga kasalanan nagawa ko sa ibang tao. Yung mga kasalanan ko kasi sa sarili ko hindi ko na iniisip. Pero yung sakit na nagawa ko sa iba, yun siguro ang hinding hindi ko kayang bigyan patawad ang sarili ko. Biruin mo, tumagal ang relasyon ko noon sa ka-live in ko ng mahigit tatlong taon na umaasa lang ako sa kanya. Sya ang bumubuhay sa aming dalawa. Alam kong nahihirapan na sya, alam kong nasasaktan na sya, pero wala akong ginawa. Ilang beses nya ko binigyan ng pagkakataon para bumangon pero binalewala ko lang lahat. Nagpalipat lipat akong trabaho kasi gusto ko "big time" ako ulit agad-agad. Pero ang pinakamasakit na ginawa ko sa kanya, alam kong hindi ko na sya mahal pero pinatagal ko ang relasyon namin. Masyado na kasi akong naging kumportable na kasama sya sa buhay na hindi ko na inisip ang sarili nyang kaligayahan. Iniisip ko na lang noon, maligaya naman sya sa akin kaya ayos na yun. Alam kong niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko pero parang mas mabuti na yun kesa iwan sya at lalong mawalan ako ng tutulong sa akin.

 

Bukod sa kanya, ilang kaibigan din ang niloko ko. Isa sa kanila ang kaibigan kong blogger na taga Saudi. Naikwento ko sa kanya ang problema namin sa pera ng kinakasama ko noon. Nagpasya syang tumulong dahil mukha naman daw akong mabuting tao. Kahit masakit sa loob ko, tinangap ko ang paunang tulong nya. Pero ng maubos ko yun sa sugal, kung ano anong dahilan ang inimbento ko para lang makahu ng pera sa kanya. Halos buwan buwan nagpapadala sya ng pera sa akin. At tuwing magpapadala sya, pinapatalo ko lang sa sugal. Puro ako pangako sa sarili ko at sa kanya na babayaran ko sya, na may inaantay lang akong "deal" na matapos at magkakapera ako ng malaki. Alam ko naman na pangloloko yun pero tinuloy tuloy ko lang. Nasa isip ko noon, kung mananalo ako ng malaki sa sugal, tapos lahat ng problema ko. Kaso, hindi nangyari. Huli na ng matangap ko na talagang walang nananalo sa sugal. Umabot sa mahigit tatlong daang libo ang nakuha ko sa kanya na sana'y pampagawa nya ng bahay ng magulang nya. Napakawala kong kwentang tao. At kung tatanungin mo ngayon kung nakakabawas ba ako kahit paunti unti sa mga utang ko sa kanya? Syempre 'hindi' ang sagot ko. Hindi lang dahil ayaw na nya ko makausap at makita. Hindi ko din naman sya kayang bayaran sa ngayon kahit paunti unti. Dahil sa ngayon, yung ibang taong pinagkunan ko ng malaking halaga noon ang inuuna ko bayaran. Yan ay kung may natitira sa sinasahod ko pagkatapos ko gumastos ng parang walang utang.

 

Gusto ko bang magbago? Syempre gusto. Pero naniniwala kasi ako na walang taong tunay na nagbabago. Maari tayong magkunwari na nagbago, mag adjust, mag adopt, sa kung ano mang sitwasyon natin sa buhay, kagaya ng ginagawa ko araw-araw. Pero sa paglubog ng araw at sa pagharap natin sa salamin, alam natin na ang mukhang nakikita natin ay isang hayop, isang halimaw, na aksaya lang sa espasyo sa mundo at dapat ng mamatay. Siguro, kapag namatay ako, baka sakali, mabawasan ang galit ng mga taong nasaktan ko sa akin.

Chain Blog #1 - 11 Questions

After blog lurking, I found out that I got tagged by Sef with this 11 Questions post. I enjoyed reading his answers so I do suggest that you visit his blog and read it. I'm sure you'll enjoy it.

For my part, as I was asked the following questions, I will try to answer it to the best of my abilities. This is the first time I got tagged for something so excuse me for taking things too seriously.

11 Questions (paraphrased)

1. Which is worst, unrequited love or unrequited lust? 

Unrequited love will always be the worst because you can only have it with that one person. The lust part, well, I have so many unrequited lust issues but I handled it quite well. I'm good in handling things. Pun intended.

2. Nahuli mo na ba nagsesex ang parents mo? How?

Unfortunately, yes and no. Yes because they're already making out and no because they saw me before they could proceed to do the deed. How? I woke up in the middle of the night while their in the heat of the moment in the living room. Tears.

3. After mo tumae sa inodoro na may flush, pinapanuod mo ba? Bakit?

For some unknown reason, I do watch it. Gross, I know. But I can't seem to stop staring. I guess for lack of better explanation, let's just say I want to be sure there's no "MacArthur"happening.

4. Magbigay ng limang gulay na wala sa bahay kubo. Explain. Then simplify your answer.

I don't eat veggies so I don't care about what's inside Bahay Kubo. If there's no greek god waiting to frolic with me inside, isang malaking Malaysia Pakistan ka sa akin.

5. What is the worst thing you did for love?

Hmm this one is a toughie. I guess it depends on what's worse for you. Me, intentionally trying to break up a couple so I can get the person I thought I was in love with or  giving my life savings away to the person I thought would be my partner for life.

6. What is the most unusual thing you did for lust?

What might be unusual for you might not be unusual for me. For example, rimming is something I usually go for. I am not an exhibitionist but I did engage in some "foreplay" while riding the MRT. TMI already? hehehe.

7. Nautot ka na ba habang nagsesex? Ano sinabi ng partner mo?

Yes. And they, yes they because it happened multiple times, didn't say anything. Either they didn't notice it because I do try to be discreet, or they just doesn't want to ruin the moment.

8. May nakahuli na ba sayo habang nagjajakol? Bakit ka nagpahuli?

If I remember correctly, my mom was the first person to catch me in the act. That was when I was 11 or 12 so I really can't remember how or why it happened.

9. What is the worst thing or said to your ex or partner to intentionally hurt him/her?

There's nothing worse than a broken promise. Expectations are high and then boom! You left them hanging. I hate myself...

10. Nakatikim ka na ba ng kupal?

Not yet. I don't know if I would try it but it does sound interesting... eewwness!

11. Kanino ka naniniwala sa Vhong issue?

 I learned not to trust what the media says.

Whew! That was something. Now, time to come up with my own set of 11Qs

1. Globe, Smart, or Sun? Why?

2. What's the most dirtiest word you can think of right now?

3. Spit or Swallow? Length or Girth?

4. Have you tasted or tried tasting your own cum? Why or why not?

5. If you have one superpower, what will that be and how will you use it to bring world peace?

6. Favorite movie of all time? Worst? Defend your answer.

7. You have one day left to live, how will you spend it?

8. Pick one: you will have the voice of Regine yet the body and looks of Bentong or the body and flexibility of Beyonce but the voice and height of Dagul? why?

9. If you have a partner now, what is it that you wish he/she physically/materially have that they currently don't have? What do they have that you don't want them to have anymore?

9a. If you don't have any partner, what is it that you have that you want to replace with something else?

10. Bare or with condom? Why?

11. If I'm someone you just met outside, with what you just read, will you have sex with me? Why or why not?

I don't know that many people in the blogosphere to tag anyone. So if you happen  to chance and read this, let's make it fun. Answer the questions in the comment section.

Cheerio!

Survey Says

I like information. Not because I believe that information is power. I just like knowing stuff for the sake of knowing them.

I recently made a "survey" to ask people I know about relationship. I premise the guise as a "psychology class" requirement. Of course, I was just making it up. I just wanted to know how people will react about certain situations.

If you're reading this and you are bored, maybe you'll get a knack at answering the survey too :D

Psych 101 Survey - Relationships

1. Are you currently in a non-platonic relationship with someone or recently had one?

2. Do you see yourself being with the same person you are with now in the next 5 years?

3. If there was someone in your past that you would like to be with now, would you rather be with that person or with the one you have now?

4. What's the difference between being happy and satisfied in the context of a relationship?

5. Are you sexually satisfied with your currently relationship? How about before?

6. What's the difference with being in a "fling" than being "in commitment"?

7. Have you now, or in the past cheated your relationship partner?

8. Would you consider the following situation cheating or not?

     a. you exchange text messages with someone and made sure that you delete the said conversation so the person you are in a relationship with can't find out about it.

     b. you kissed someone.

     c. you had sex with someone.

     d. you fantasize about having sex with someone.

9. Do you agree that people in a relationship should keep secrets from each other or should they be open and have full disclosure?

10. If you are not happy but you are satisfied with your current relationship, would you cheat or look for someone else? What if you are happy but not satisfied?

I made all of these questions on the fly just because I THAT bored. I can only hope that the questions did make you think not just with that you currently have but with what you think you should have in the future.