Choices

I always thought of myself as someone who knows what he needs to know. I guess that's the reason why I love that quote from the movie Scent of A Woman, immortalized by the great Al Pacino...

"Now I have come to the cross-roads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew, but I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard." - Lt. Col. Frank Slade

I don't know if I've written anything related to this quote before. I don't really care. Because right now, today, not yesterday, is what's important. Because today, I can finally write something again. Something that I thought I could never write again.

Choices. That's all it is. Everyday, we face choices that would either lead to our happiness or detriment. Choices that could harm others or keep them safe. Choices that once made, can never be undone. Choices. Life or death. Sickness or health. Choices.

People keep on saying that life is complicated. I disagree. It is not. Because at the end of the day, it all boils down into making choices. It's not even about making the right choice. There's really no right or wrong. There's only legal and illegal. All we have to do is choose.

I've made my choice a long time ago. A choice that led me to the path where I am right now. The path of suffering and pain. A path made of continuous peril. All because I chose to live "in the moment". I chose to do what I want and not what I needed.

 

While still in school, getting all As, I could have chosen the path of excellence. I could have chosen the right path - to stay in school and get my degree. The choice was in my hand. Literally and figuratively. I held the tuition fee money right there. But I decided to do what I wanted instead of what I need. I decided to live in the moment and be happy. Knowing full well that being happy then means suffering in the future. I already knew that but I just closed my eyes, said "fuck it" and soldier on.

 

For four years, I kept making the same decision over and over again. I could have stopped anytime and enroll but I didn't. Not that I couldn't but I just simply don't want to. Was it fear of ridicule or of something else? I don't think so. I was young and carefree without a fear in the world. All I know is that by the time they discover what I did, I'll be dead. I'll be gone. And the consequences of my action will be avoided.

 

But Life has something else for me. I was given jobs after jobs. Good, honest, well paying jobs. But I couldn't keep them. Whether it's because I decided to drown myself with bad vices or I just decided that I do not deserve such comfort. Honestly, I can't remember why I did it but I do know that I made a conscious decision that will put my job in jeopardy. And the people I worked with gave me countless attempts to redemption. I could have done it. I could have straighten up and become successful as they are now. Maybe it won't hurt that much when I see their success in FB. But I just laughed inside and continued what I was doing wrong. What a waste of talent and oxygen. I should have died when I was young.

 

As if giving me jobs to pick myself up out of the ditch that I dug myself in is not enough, I was also given friends that will help and support me. Great friends that to this day, are baffled at how I could have screwed up something so solid. That, and how I managed to deplete their bank accounts by continuously asking them for financial aid. I comforted myself that by naming them as beneficiary to my life insurance, I could somehow repay them. But I know better. I'm screwing them over for trusting me. I'm destroying the only thing that I have left. Reputation and trust. Well, at least the façade that I created that people adored. What a shame.

 

I was also not lacking in the love department. I have loved and been loved. They say that was the greatest achievement of all. You know what's  the worst achievement? It's not taking the love and shitting on it while destroying their names and reputation. It's not making the person you love cry. Nor is it making promises after promises while knowing full well that you won't be able to keep them. The worst achievement is not dying in spite knowing that you'll just hurt everyone you love with every breath you take.

 

I hate myself. I loathe the person I see in the mirror everyday. I want to kill the beast before it could hurt other people. Because for people like me, who've made their own bed of nails, there's no more redemption. I've given up hope.

 

Then I met this kid. He's a good kid. He thinks he knows everything. Which makes me laugh sometimes. I see a young me. Innocent and full of hope. But he's in the crossroads too. I could nudge him to the right path or could just sit and wait for him to follow on my footsteps. Because who am I to stop people from making the same mistakes I did? Who am I to say anything? I am no one. I am nothing.

 

"...Now here's Charlie. He's come to the cross-roads. He has chosen a path. It's the right path. It's a path made of principle that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey." - Lt. Col. Frank Slade

 

 

Kiddo, I know you'll read this. You don't see it yet but your going the same way I am. I might look like a good future, but trust me, it's not. I'm not.

 

 

"If I wanted you to be like me, I would be urging you to make a stupid, stubborn decision that blows up your life and leaves you lonely and miserable." - Gregory House, MD

 

"Life is pain! I wake up every morning, I'm in pain! I go to work in pain! Do you know how many times I wanted to just give up?! How many times I thought about ending it?!" - Gregory House, MD

 

26 and Counting...

We've been having some problems recently...

I look into your eyes, so far away
There's trouble on your mind
You're losing faith
 Hey now, let me hold you
It'll be okay
Coz I will love you
Till they take my heart away

we've been through some tough times before...

Remember when you called
And said goodbye
You thought we'd lost it all
And so did I
Even if I'd lost you
It'll be the same
Coz I will love you
Till they take my heart away

but whatever happened in the past...

Believe
I'm here to stay
I will love you
Till they take my heart away

and whatever the future holds, I'm confident...

Now we're stronger than before
We've made it through
I never felt more sure
Because of you
Hey now, are you listening?
Can you hear me say
Coz I will love you
Till they take my heart away

because whatever happens...

I will love you
Till they take my heart away...





I wanted to write something else... something about my past... something that shows who I was... but it seems that I can't. The past was sad and painful. It was gloomy. My present is much happier. Much clearer. I prefer that now. Shit, it seems there's hope for pessimists after all.

Samaritan's Dilemma

 

"The Samaritan's dilemma is a dilemma in the act of charity. It hinges on the idea that when presented with charity, in some location such as a soup kitchen, a person will act in one of two ways: using the charity to improve their situation, or coming to rely on charity as a means of survival."

 

 

I grew up with a father that helps other people first before his family. I never understood the reasoning behind it. Probably because I never asked him why. I just relegated myself into thinking that perhaps, he thinks that we are more than capable than those that he helps. Though it was never the case, it got me through most nights.

 

As I grow older, I've adapted a philosophy I came across in a book. "I help not because I have plenty, but because I know what it felt to have none". It just hit me like a boulder. I never knew such words can reflect what I'm feeling inside. I never knew words can express what I had experienced and what I feel whenever I came across someone I think is in need of help. Until now, writing about these words, I can't help but feel a sense of awe. Such powerful words.

 

With the advent of social media, we came across a slew of articles that shows people helping other people almost on a daily basis. Whatever motivation they have for helping, whether they share it to the world for fame or for more humanitarian reasons, the important thing is that they helped. I helped a few times but I never mentioned it to a group or post it online until today. Because I encountered something that's new to me. My own version of the Samaritan's Dilemma or SD.

 

People that I came across with that I helped in some form or another doesn't fall under the "official" clause of the SD. They weren't asking for help but they clearly need it. These people weren't looking for charity from me. They were just trying to get on by themselves. Either too ashamed to ask for help or are had reached their limit of rejections for the day. In any case, I was just glad that I was able to help. however, earlier today, while having lunch with my partner after going the groceries, I saw an old lady, sitting by herself in the food court, munching on some bread sticks for lunch. By the looks of her, she had her entire belongings with her. She was not asking for alms or talking to anyone. She was just there. Sitting. Alone. Trying to pass whatever food she have for lunch with the help of a couple of glass of water. Her disposition tugged at my heart. I wanted to approach her. To ask her if she needed help. But I didn't. I held back.

 

Her demeanor, though showing weakness, doesn't translate to what people classify as "street people". Her clothes weren't torn nor dirty. The things inside her bag were properly tucked. I pointed her to my partner to get an opinion on the matter.

 

maybe she's just waiting for someone?

 

maybe. or maybe, she just doesn't want to appear to be a bother so as not to catch the guards attention.

 

do you think we should approach her?

 

I don't know. I don't want her to think that we look down at her.

 

I agree. She might think that we think too highly of ourselves to think that she needs help.

 

yeah, you're probably right. But look at her, she obviously needed help.

 

what do you want to do?

 

I'm thinking of buying something from Jollibee for her. Probably engage her in a conversation. Find her story.

 

yeah you can do that. But what if she doesn't want to be bothered? How can you be sure that she does need your help?

 

I, uhm... I don't know...

 

 

We went our way without approaching her. Looking back, I should have just approached her. Not to offer any help but just to start a conversation.

 

Huh. I guess it's not a dilemma after all.

 

 

 

 

Bukas, Blonde Na Ako!

 

  

habang naglalamyerda sa fezbuko ang lolo mo, nawindang ang beauty ko sa nasightsung ko! Jiritaton to the highest level! Wit talaga akiz makapaniwala pero pero pero trulili daw itetch!

 

 

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ang tarush ni ate! holding hands kyeme kyeme in public with the ever poging boy of my dreams! punyenta! asan ang hustisya! hahahaha oo nga bitter ocampo na ang lolo nyo. Kasi naman teh, tingnan mo naman si kuya, sya nakahawak kay ateng. SYA! Kakaloka! hahaha

spluk ni chichay, ang pokpokitang kasama ko sa parlor, nung nasight nya ang picturet, "Kuya ang wafu nga nya pero pero pero sure akiz na jutay ang tweety bird nyan hihihi" "Oo nga, baka may baktol si kuya o di kaya may tinatagong lihim na si ateng lang ang nakakaalam. Kapag tumingin yan sa akin titingnan ko talaga ang fez at eyes nya baka nanghihingi ng saklolo hihihi" "Oh di kaya kuya, baka alive alive yan tapos dinukot nya si ateng para pagexperimentuhan kung paano maeksorsis ang pagkabuhok mais nya hahaha" "Nyahahaha plangak! Pasok sa banga! Sight mo ang mga mata ni ateng, parang hindi mapakali! Parang naghahanap ng magbabakasaling tumulong sa kanya." "May tama ka kuya! Tapos kapag may tumulong, jujombagin nya kasi keri na maeksorsis basta ba ganyan ka-hot ang whattemen hihihi"

Kung makalait ang pokpokita wagas, palibhasa ingeterang froglet sya. Knowsline naman kasi namin na wit kami makaka fish ng kagaya ni kuya kahit na magplanking kami sa EDSA. Para sayo ateng, we're happy for you! Kapag nagsawa ka, wag kakalimutan, nanditech lang kami hihihi

 



Conversation Conversion

 

Hi. It's been a while. How are you?

 

Haller! Kebs lang ang peg. Witchikels nasightsung ang fabulosang nyolikula ni fafa Paul pero keribels lang teh.

 

Huh?

 

Ay, bobo ka teh? Di marunong umintindi ng tagalog?

 

Uhm, yeah... OK. So how's your lovelife?

 

Boom! Lovelife agad ang tanong? May poot at pagiimbot? Wit ng itanong ang ganyang mga bagelya wirishima naman may pangyayari! Kakaimbei ka teh.

 

Alright, no lovelife, how about sex life?

 

Wit lang may ganap waley na lablayf? Assuming lang? Nagmamaasim?

 

No, no. I mean, I was just asking...

 

No, no mo puke mong green! hauff to. Oo nga, akez na ang katuyot tuyotan to the highest bitak bitak level kasi walang dilig pero pero pero, I hab a lablayf haller!!!

 

So, you have someone but you don't engage in coitus with him?

 

Aray ko, nosebleed ka teh. anong koytus koytus pinagsasabi mo? baka gusto mong koytusan kita dyan.

 

Coitus is sex

 

Weh di spluk mo ganun. Sex. Sex. Kangkangan. Iyutan. Diligan. Sex. Sex. Sey eyt. Sex.

 

Sex.

 

Ayan. Ganern. Pero waley sex teh. At bago mo pa itanong kung may love making kami ni labidabs, waley din. Kaya lagi akong imbernadette sebrano. Namputchang lablayf to, walang perks!

 

Ah so you call him that? Labidabs?

 

Yesterday! May tama ka!

 

Alright, moving on. What are you doing here?

 

Ayan tayo eh, may poot na naman. Kulang ka sa sex teh. Divekels pweds na anditech akiz kasi miss kita?

 

No.

 

Tarush! Plang! Pak! Ikaw na ang kabanal banalan. Anywei, gokungwei, nanditey akiz kasi may I announce ang lolo mo ng pagbubukas ng parlor kez. Yiz! Dizizit pancit! Ang pangarap na parlor kez, nanditey na! Ohdavah! Ang tarush lang?!

 

You have a parlor?

 

Ay, teh, pogi ka nga bobo ka naman, bingi pa. Kakaspluk ko lang teh. may parlor akeiz. Linis linis din ng tutule pag may time.

 

What made you decide to open a parlor?

 

Ganitey yan teh, makinig kasi wit ko na itey uulitin. I remember yesterday, the world was still young, uso pa nun ang Cerelac at United American Tiki Tiki. Panahon itey ng pagdadalaga ng mga boyband, at ang internet ay prepaid pa na 56kbps ang bilis. Ganitembang ang panahon, makulimlim, kumikidlat. Ng biglang kumulog, umulan, at nagbukas ang parlor ni Wanda, ang aking propesora sa kagandahan. Kakalungkot kasi wit na bukas ang parlor ni kuya. Kaya naisip kez na bakit sya lang? bakit hindi din akiz? Keri ko ba magspread ng kagandahan? Feelingera akiz kaya yiz ang sagot ko dyan. Kaya, heto akiz, standing in front of a boy, asking him to... to... huy! Bumalik ka dito! Di pa ko tapos magkwento!

Not Your Ordinary Tuesday

When I got to the gym last Tuesday, there wasn't much people. Which is actually good because I can do the workouts that I can never do when someone is already hogging a station. As I was changing in the locker, Red and Blue came in. They're already in their gym clothes so they just placed their valuables in the locker and went out. After them, came in White. He immediately stripped down to his underwear, without a care to the world, and changed to his gym clothes. He then quickly went out as if he's after the cute couple. I followed suit shortly.

 

White is a young professional, who likes wearing white. Hence, the name. He has a very athletic built and an exotic Asian face. What sets him apart is his glow. Yes, he glows. With skin as smooth as silk, and as flawless as porcelain, I'm sure if I get to touch and feel it, it would be like those of a baby - supple, soft, tender. He's the kind of guy that we seldom refer to as a "head turner".

 

Red is model, I think. I 'm not sure about his nationality but I think he's American. With stormy grey eyes and a shock of sandy blonde hair, he's definitely an eye candy.
He always sport a red top with  arm holes that goes to his waist. That's why the oglers can very well see his lean cut body, and his pinkish nipple. I heard some people refer to him as a Greek god.

Blue is Red's boyfriend. I think he's a model too. He has this pinkish to red lips and a five o'clock shadow that compliments his steely black eyes and puts emphasis on his squared jaw. If Red is a Greek god for some, for me, Blue is Apollo incarnate. One could even make a case that he's Narcissus or Adonis, because of his chiseled body and towering height. Yes, he's that hot. And like you guessed, he likes wearing blue tops.

 

I went to the dumbbell section and sat on a corner, trying to focus on what I'm supposed to be doing. Red and Blue joined me in the section but sat to the other side of the room, as if they already know what kind of distraction they could bring to a powerless human, like me. As soon as they are seated, four more people joined us. They sat in the middle of the section. They are like the sharks in the ocean that separates Blue and Red  from me. We're all lined in front of this giant mirror so we can all see that we're doing the exercise correctly, or so it would seem. From where I was sitting, it was very evident that the four "sharks" are just there to look at the couple. Yes, they're working out but only with minimal effort so that they won't be distracted from the show. Who can blame them? I won't.

 

As I was going through my dumbbell routine, Red stood in front of the mirror, lifted his shirt as if to check his abs. Time seem to stopped. The sharks stopped what they were doing and just looked at Red's abs in the mirror. The silence made Red conscious so he turned his back from the four and went back to his routine. I almost chuckled at the reaction Red got. Then, as if it was a competition, Blue lifted his shirt too. The ocean parted. The world stopped. And the sharks, who were contended to just see Red's abs reflection in the mirror, looked at Blue's directly. Oblivious. Obnoxious. I wanted to bash their heads with a dumbbell. How dare they look at him? He's mine! Well, at least, in my head.

 

Red seems to notice the commotion Blue's abs is causing so he tapped his shoulders to stop. And he did. But Red is pure evil and I hate him. When Blue turned to face him, he lifted Blue's shirt and touched his abs in front of us. He touched his abs! In front of us! He dare! I wanted to revolt, I wanted to kick is tight bubble shape ass! When I heard Blue chuckle at what Red was doing, it was enough for me. Even though I'm not yet done with my exercise, I left the section before I kill someone.

 

I transferred to the cable section so I salvage what time I have left for a proper exercise. But it seems Fate is playing his dice yet again. Blue and Red transferred to the abs section that's just near my area. Oh my! What temptation this couple is bringing! So instead of looking in their general direction, I focused on what's in front of me. There's White, sweating like a sex machine, running on the treadmill, looking towards... son of a biscuit! of course, he's looking at Red and Blue as they lift their legs in the air, showing everyone what powerful legs they have. Legs that you can sit on for hours and they won't complain. Legs that can help their thrust to be deep and powerful... Argh! Enough!

 

I decided then to finish up with the cable before anything more temptation comes my way. I turned my back from them but that brings White to my sight. How the hell does he manage to look so fresh even though he's full of sweat? And those skin of  his, they're just perfect. Ah, I'm getting distracted again. And so I lifted, I pulled, I pushed, and as I was about to finish, Blue stood, put his hands in his shorts, and repositioned his stick. I dropped the weights with a bang but that didn't catch his attention. There's already a commotion in the treadmill area. Someone seems to have lost his focus and fell from the machine. It was White.

 

I hate Tuesdays.

Random Ramblings #2

Are you happy?

 

I think I am.

 

Do you still see a future for us?

 

I think I do.

 

Do you think we can move forward?

 

I think we can.

 

Do you still love me?

 

I think so. Yes, I think I do.

 

 

When we try to convince ourselves of what we think we should be feeling, and we did get ourselves convinced, how sure are we that we really are feeling that way? How sure are we of anything?

 

I've read Simon's and Maktub's recent posts. Full of emotions. Full of reality. At least, for them. Does wanting that same kind of reality makes me a romantic or an idealist? Sentimental? Can I be all three? I don't think so. I can't be both.

 

Sentimental and romantic. Both words I heard people used to describe me. And those same words were used to point what I lack. How ironic.

 

I'm in a dilemma. I'm in a crossroad. I'm afraid. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm petrified. I can't move. I can't think. All I can do is write...

 

Write of the past. Write of the present. Write of the future. Write all the ideas that I can find and as far as the imagination can fly. For with written words, we can feel secure. We can feel safe. We can feel... love.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel.

 

because right now, I feel alone.

Of Clouds, and Dreams, and Everything in Between



clouds over Cebu City, Philippines 031515



When I was a kid I dreamed of travelling far and wide. Not exactly to see the world as it is but to explore the wonders it can provide. I can still remember those days that I get wide eyed whenever I thought I discovered something new, like a new species of mushroom or flies.

Clouds. They drift where the wind blows. Carrying and absorbing moisture over time. Getting heavier and darker with every single drop of water they take with them. And when the weight becomes too heavy, they seem to break and release whatever they've been keeping inside. And then, they drift again, like an endless cycle.

How time flies. It's been more than a decade and I'm still working in the same industry that I thought would only be my stepping stone to achieving my dream of being a professional traveler. Alas, the dream faded and was replaced by jadedness and cynicism. Now, the only time I travel is when I'm online. The only time I discover new things is when I come across a disgruntled customer who seems intent in creating new ways to insult and degrade people.

We are all clouds. Drifting through this world where time and chance blows. Absorbing experiences and challenges as we pass by the ocean called Life. And when it becomes too much, we break down and cry. Showering rain and thunder to those nearby.

It's not all bad. I've met people. People that changed and crafted the person that I would become, and some more. I've known love. A feeling that can't seem to be extinguished by anything, yet can disappear as fast as they come. A force so powerful that when left unchecked, it could wreck havoc, it could destroy, even kill. Yet, when properly nourished, it can bring life and happiness and hope. Yes, hope.

We are all clouds. Sheltering the people we love against the heat of the Sun. Begging time and chance to let us stay in one place at a time so we can be of much use to those who need us. To offer protection and guidance. Or to simply offer a cool shade to those whose underneath us.

And so I hoped. Hoped against hope. That soon, we will no longer need to contend ourselves with exploring each other's personality as if it's new found land. Or with discovering each other likes and dislikes as if learning of another world's culture. Because in due time, together we will explore the world. Together, we will discover the intricacies of societies, both forgotten and new. Yes, together.

We are all clouds.