M's the Word

It started like any other day, then whammed! I got hit with a one-two combination from my mom.

My mom has this special powers of making my life stressful. Whenever I go home, I had to endure her non stop talk about everything single problem in our family, our neighbors' family, the village people's family, and whoever the family of the person that's on TV. And if you happen to drop by our house by any chance, you could probably hear her saying something like...

"... anong ginagawa mo sa buhay mo? Kumustahin mo nga kapatid mo. Alam mo ba na bayaran na ng bills bukas? Bakit hindi mo kausapin ung kapitbahay natin? Alamin mo bakit namatay ung halaman nila. Tapos tawagan mo kapatid mo at kausapin mo. Bakit nga ba wala ka pang asawa? ano nga ba ginagawa mo sa buhay mo? Papasok ka din ba sa politika? Aba maganda yan, tumakbo kang kapitan para tumigil na sa kakatapon ng basura sa kanto natin ang mga kapitbahay natin na pasaway..."

and it will just continue on until I shut the door of my room and lock myself in.

But today is a different day. It seems like her superpowers is drawing it's strength from the super moon outside and I was the pariah that will receive all her jabs...

"... malapit na pala birthday mo. Ilan taon ka na? 32 ka na this year? Aba matanda ka na bakit hindi ka pa nagaasawa? Yung kapitbahay natin may anak na magandang dalaga. Tanda mo ba yun? Kaklase mo ata yun nung kindergarten. Kausapin mo. Dalan mo ng prutas. Bukas magluluto ako ng meryenda aayain ko dito para magusap kayo. Tiyak ko magkakagustuhan kayo agad. Kung ayaw mo naman sa kanya, yung may tindahan sa dulo, ung anak nun laging pagala-gala dyan pag gabi. Tutal mukhang wala ka naman ginagawa sa bahay samahan mo mag gala. O ano mag aasawa ka na? Gusto ko na ng apo. Aba ang tanda mo na! Nyahaha..."

I froze. I didn't know what to say. I would like to respond but that might invite her to prolong the conversation.

Instead, I gave her a quaterturn and walked away.

Yup, that's my mom alright. She carries the world on her shoulders and I love her for it. She's the best. OK, maybe she's not the coolest, or the richest, or the smartest, but she's mine, and that's all that matters. I love you mom!

Busted

I really thought the day would never come... wait, who am I kidding, I always knew this day will come. It was just a matter of time.

Apparently, my boyfriend, my partner in life, knew about this blog's existence for quite sometime. He just didn't say anything about it. Not until today anyway.

He was hurt. Still hurting. I can't say I blame him for hating me. I did write some things here that, well, let's just say borders social conventions of what a relationship should be.

Today's the fourth time that our relationship suffer such a crushing blow in it's two years of existence. I would enumerate them all but I do not have the energy to do so... Let's just say twice it was my fault, twice was his. Today's mine though. And I hate myself more than the usual.

I could have denied it. I could have lied. But I made a promise that I would never lie to him. Yes, an arguement can be made that keeping a secret is lying by omission. Good thing he would disagree with that.

He has his secrets and I respect his privacy. I was an open book to him from day one. I never pretended, I never held back. But there were just those things that I can't talk about without writing... hiding behind the anonymity of the world wide web. Sharing my thoughts to others like myself.

The thing is, I never intended to hurt him. I never intended to hide things. Things just happened. I know, it's a lame excuse. I should know, I'm very good with excuses. Used them my entire life.

He will read this. He will probably hate me even more. Talking to faceless people instead of him... sharing my thoughts to people other than him...

Ah, I'm babbling. I was stupid and I knew it. I hate myself. I love him and I want to spend my life with him.  I know he wanted the same thing too. I just keep on making it difficult for him... what a shame.

The O Experience

There are those people who prefer to go out on Saturday night and those who doesn't. There are those who hit the bars and party out and there are those who doesn't...

I don't. He does.

I've been to this bar before. About 5 times. All of which was born out of necessity. OK,  didn't have to but I did... because that's what the people I want to see happy want to do. Peer pressure? Nope. Just plain old stupidity.

Don't get wrong. I have nothing against people who prefer to go there and exchange sweat with other people while their eardrums shatter from whatever blaring noise they called music. They enjoy it and I just don't.

I prefer quite and tranquility. I would rather stay home, cook, watch some movie and cuddle. No takers? I would rather just stay in bed, clutching my favorite pillow while romancing the stars with whomever the author of the current book that I'm reading prefers to call his protagonist. Boring? Maybe for you. I'm having an awesome time.

There's just something about crowded joints that I do not understand. How can so many people fit inside such a small space and enjoy? Why would they even want to do it in the first place? How can they savor the company they keep if they could barely hear themselves? Is this what our world call fun? What the hell is going on?!

Sheez. I'm ranting again. He doesn't like it when I do that so I'll just stop. My head hurts and and ears is ringing. Hopefully, their not yet busted.

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

someone's being bullied...

should I come over and help?

if I do, what then?

I was bullied as a kid but I turned out OK...

should I just let them be to toughen up the kid?

Everyone I knew that was bullied when they were young turned out to be successful anyway...

but what if the kid is not like us?

what if he can't tolerate it and end it badly?

maybe I should come and over and help then...

but if I do, won't that leave the kid prone to more teasing after I leave?

what if I do step in and the kid will grow soft and spoiled? 

yeah maybe I should just let them be...

it will toughen the kid... prepare him for more hardship ahead... prepare him for Life...

but what if the kid is already having problems at home and now is at the end of his rope because of whats happening in his school?

the adults that were there, parents, teachers, and guards alike, were all apathetic to what's going on...

what should I do? what should I do?

"Hoy tigilan nyo yan. Bawal mga bully dito!"

the look the kid gave me... I know that look... 

he didn't utter any thanks or anything at all... he just stood there, staring at me...

and that's when I realized...

good or bad...

I just changed this kid's life forever.

What A Wonderful World

there's been a lot of negativity with me lately. Anger and hate seems to be bubbling up and just waiting to burst...

I see trees of green, red roses to 

I see them bloom for me and you

everywhere I look, corruption, traffic, anger, disappointment... there seems to be no hope for us, for me...

And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

left or right, forward or back, there seems to be no progress, just stagnant and unyielding stubbornness all around...

I see skies of blue and clouds of white

The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night

people look up to the sky, hoping that someone is listening, watching even, that will help them get through the night... hoping that tomorrow will bring a better day, a better plight...

And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

people litter the streets, scavenging for left overs, a way to fill their empty stomach... a kid cowering underneath the underpass to stay dry and warm...

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by

hopelessness abounds, the grief and fear seems to know no end...

I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

a family of four, living in a wooden cart, trying to fight off the rain with nothing but a used  cardboard box and a broken umbrella... makes you wonder what were the parents thinking bringing children to this world when they themselves have nothing...

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know

and then you will hear them laugh together... though they have nothing, they have each other... they seem to be... happy...

And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Random Ramblings

I've been trying to write something here for the past two days but it's just not coming together. The idea, the emotion, the fluidity of everything seems to be off balance recently.

I tried to push myself to write by blankly staring at my monitor for hours trying to have some grasp on what I should write about. Alas, still nothing. That's why I decided to write just what I'm feeling right now...

First, I'm a bit pissed off that I wasn't able to watch the premier of Rurouni Kenshin last week. For some reason, SM Malls decided to screen the movie a week earlier than what's intended (as per WB the opening day should be the 24th). This just fueled my already disgusted, overtly discriminating look at those who's managing this monopoly. I would send them to the gas chambers without any hesitation or equivocation what so ever. I hate them, period.

Secondly, I'm conflicted on what choice I should make. I'm a bum for about 3 weeks now and there's another 2 weeks that I would have to endure before I start with my new company. However, I got a call from a company that offers better pay that will start a week earlier. I would love to stick with my signed commitment with the company I signed the contracts with but I would also love to start a new job a soon as possible because the financial issues at home is becoming graver by the minute.

Lastly, I'm a little sad because for some reason, I lost the ability to think and write independently. For some reason, I am now bound by some chains that dictates every keystroke that I make. I might need to retreat from this space for a while as to collect myself again. Somewhere between the past 3 months, I lost myself.

Anyway, here's another waste of time and space in the world wide web. What a sad fucker I am. Pity me boo-hoo.

The Tarantino Phenomena

I was about to write a blog about the movie Reservoir Dogs by Quentin Tarantino and how it made me understand the true genius that Mr. Tarantino really is. But then I realized that nobody really cares so I just stopped typing.

I'll just say this though - If you haven't seen it, go watch it. There's a reason why it's called a cult hit, a classic, and classified by Empire Magazine as the greatest independent film of all time - a review I most certainly agree with.

Oh, and it will make you ask the question, why does other waiters deserve a tip when waiters in Mcdonald's and other fast food joint can't have any?

Wondering About Wandering

disclaimer - this is another sad story. if you are not in the mood for another self-pity-slash-drama-queen-slash-poor-me kind of story, change blog now. but if you are, I promise that this story is more heart and soul than anything I've ever written.

I was channeling surfing when I happened to see ANC's Mukha. The episode tonight, as it turns out, is about a has been actor that's now living in the streets. I do not know him nor I have seen any of his works but he does look familiar. As it turns out, he used to be someone before. Someone who was given great talent and tremendous amount of opportunity that he squandered away when he got involved with drugs. Oh how the mighty has fallen!

Nalungkot ako sa napanuod ko. Hindi dahil naawa ako sa kanya dahil palaboy na sya ngayon, kung hindi dahil sa nasa salamin ng istorya ng buhay nya ang buhay ko. Parang nakita ko na kung anong mangyayari sa akin in the future.

Gusto kong maniwala na kagaya nya, talented din ako. Hindi sa pag arte pero sa dunong at pananalita. Kagaya nya, napansin ng tao kung ano ang kaya kong gawin kaya kung ano anong suporta at opportunity ang binigay sa akin. Pero kagaya din nya, hindi ko pinahalagahan ang mga bagay bagay. Hindi namin parehas ginalang ang oras at panahon. Parehas namin inakala na kung anong meron kami nung panahon na yon ay patuloy lang na dadaloy. How wrong we were.

I used to be big. I was on my way to the top. I was living the good life. I have a car, a condo, a loving boyfriend, my family was taken cared of, and I was doing what I wanted to do and was earning as much as I needed to. Yet I let it all slipped through my hands because of my naivety and stupidity. 

Kagaya ng subject sa episode na pinapanuod ko, nalulong din ako sa masamang bisyo. Sya sa illegal drugs, ako naman sa sugal...

(I never thought how much painful it is to write about this thing. I haven't uttered or shared it with anyone. I always kept it in my heart as a reminder of the things I squandered and the hearts that I broke.)

Dahil sa sugal, napabayaan ko ang trabaho ko hangang sa dumating ang panahon na natangal ako. Nagsimula kaming mag away ng ka live in partner ko tungkol sa pera dahil naubos ko ang savings namin. Nalubog ako sa utang at nung hindi na ako makautang sa pangalan ko, ginamit ko naman ang pangalan nya. Naubos ang kung ano mang pag ibig at respeto ang meron sya para sa akin. Pero nung nabawi ang kotse namin dahil hindi na kami makapagbayad sa bangko ng utang dahil sya lang ang nagtatrabaho sa aming dalawa, dun na nya na pagtanto na palayasin ako sa condo na aming tinitirhan.

Wala akong bahay, wala akong trabaho, wala akong pera. Hindi ako makauwi sa pamilya ko sa sobrang hiya. Dumating sa punto na kung saan saan ako natutulog mailipas lang ang gabi. Kung sino sinong kaibigan ang nilapitan ko sa araw araw para lang makakain. Hangang isang araw, wala ng gustong tumulong, wala ng gustong kumalinga. Dahil pati mga kaibigan ko, niloko ko. Napakawalang kwenta kong tao.

Just like the guy being featured on the show, I also knew what was wrong with me. I knew why everything happened and how it can be best avoided. Sabi ko nga, matalino ako. Kaya alam ko kung ano ang mga nagawa kong mali at ano ang mga dapat kong gawin. Ang problema, wala akong ginagawa. 

With all my talents and intelligence hindi ko alam bakit wala akong ginawa para baguhin at ayusin ang buhay ko. Pinabayaan ko na lang lahat. Para akong audience na walang magawa kung hindi panuorin na lang ang palabas at hayaang tumakbo ang istorya kung saan man ito patungo. Hindi ko alam bakit. Ive been asking myself that question for the past 10 years.

Today, I still live with my parents. I have a new boyfriend now. I'm slowly getting back on my feet. Yet for the love of everything that's good, I can't seem to keep a job. I just got fired from my previous company and now I'm living like a bum. I will be joining a new company next month but that means that I will be relying heavily on my current boyfriend to help me financially. Why did I get fire you might ask. Well, let's just say, history does repeat itself.

The FB Conundrum

I like books and movies. They're the absolute two must haves for me. And knowing what other people watch and read says more to me about who that person is compared to say, what they listen to or who their friends are.

I think I've made an impression to the people around me that I'm into this two things. I would also like to think that this fact is known to those who know me.That's why I am now in a spot where I am caught between pride and prejudice for I can't begin to fathom why of all people, was I not tagged to the the "book" and "movie" lists by my friends in FB.

(oh wait, I just figured out why. but more about that later)

I could ask the people why I wasn't tagged. Or better yet, I could just answer it as if I was tagged and tag those people who were feeling "left out" just like me. But of course, I won't do that. Too much pride. Fear of being ridiculed. And it's as if I brandished to the world my own coffin of social awkwardness and pity.

Too much prejudice. The thought of asking these people about the books they posted just to see if they did in fact read it so I can separate the fake from the genuine. Or perhaps, these so called "meme" of a list is nothing but another stunt for people to showcase their lack of respect for their own privacy. Whatever the reason may be and no matter how much I despise them, I still envy them. I still want to be accepted - albeit it's superficial.

And so, after all the long and winded excuse, explanation, extrapolation, and excessive use of words, here is the list that I so long desire to share with the world yet I won't but to leave it confined here, in my own small space in the world wide web.

The rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen films you've seen that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes.

1. Good Will Hunting

2. Armageddon

3. Mrs. Doubtfire

4. Bata Bata Paano Ka Ginawa

5. Man Of The Year

6. V For Vendetta

7. The Dark Knight

8. The Lord of the Rings - The Two Towers

9. Pacific Rim

10. Rurouni Kenshin

11. The Great Dictator

12. Scent of a Woman

13. The American President

14. The Talented Mr. Ripley

15. Pi

There you have it. The list of movies that stayed with me even after watching them. And as to the reason that I figured out why I wasn't tagged by the people who I thought knew that I love movies? Two reasons. First, I haven't made much impact on their lives for them to remember who and what I am. Second, they already knew how pathetic my choices would be compared to theirs.

A Tragic Comedy

Ever since I read Shakespeare I've come to accept that my life, and those of the people around me, are but a play of tragic comedy unfolding in epic proportions. It could be the fire that burned an entire village just to be found out later on that it was all caused by some kids playing with matches because their parents took away their toys.

Today, I will share my story. I was much impressed and inspired by Sepsep and Maktub that I've decided to share something for the first time. Their stories was of realism and reflectiveness. Of truth and pointedness. Things I've ran away from -- and now I come to realize that nobody knew me at all. Not my parents, not my partner, no one. Except perhaps, myself. I've hidden myself behind brick walls because I hated the person I've become. The filthy memories and the beast that I see in the mirror everyday is someone I do not want people to know. But today is the day I let them out. Even for just a few moments just so I can write about them here.

I came from a decent family. My parents came from well off families that they've learn to live an easy life. Too easy in fact that at the time of this writing, everything that was passed down to them was already squandered and we are left wanting. Even as a child, I've come to live with the fact that this will be my life. A life of wanting and needy. I promised myself growing up that I will not be like them. That I will strive hard to make sure that I will live a life completely different from them. But alas, the fruit didn't fall far from the tree.

I was a loner growing up. Not by choice but because my parents were afraid that if we go outside, we will mingle with "dirty" kids. I grew up having reservations with people because of this but it didn't take away my sympathy towards them. I want to help those "dirty" people to be "cleansed". How? I know not, only that I wanted to help. This will prove later on as my reason for agreeing with Hitler's Eugenics.

I wasn't able to finish college. This is the first time that I said it and will never utter it again. Whenever someone asks or whenever I seek employment, I always pretend that I was able to finish school. I can pull it off because of sheer confidence and articulate speech. But in reality, I'm nothing but a fraud. I spent all my the money my parents gave me for tuition buy whatever gadgetry my "friends" have so I can be "like" them. Though my friends never asked or pressured me into being like them, it was a self actualization that I forced myself to do the things that I did. No one is to blame but myself.

I almost didn't finish high school. I was a straight A student all my life until I reached the third year of my high school years. I never figured out why I started skipping classes. All I knew is that one day, I got tired of my lessons and started going to the arcade center. Luckily for me , even without studying, I was still able to pass my exams so I got to graduate though with almost failing marks.

During the time I was skipping classes, there was some financial problems at home. So, with my devious mind, I started to plan a heist in one of the malls I frequented when I was supposed to be at school. I was able to steal more than fifty thousand worth of call cards from one of the stores that the guard on duty lost his job. Everything worked according to plan. The only problem was I got greedy and tried it again a couple of months after my first heist. But this time around, the guards were alerted and I got caught. I had to give the cops about half of what I stole in order for them to release me but I had to stay inside a jail cell overnight. Oh, since nobody knows this and just in case I do have a police record, I tell people that I did spent the night in jail because I was protesting against the government. Little did they know the real story behind it.

......

This post is getting too long for my comfort so I will just continue it some other time. Though I haven't gotten yet to the part where I whored out my body for some cash and the time that I slept with a different person every day, I think I've shed some light to the monster that I am.

I am not looking for pity or attention. I am not looking for redemption. For the things that I did can never be forgiven by the people I've hurt nor by myself. I write because I want to write. I want to share something that I can not share. Not to lighten the load but to show a glimpse of who and what I am even under the guise of the anonymity of the internet.

Talk Back Rurouni Guardians!

I've been trying to avoid writing about movies lately. I guess I'm just scared of being called "another movie blog" but what the heck, I already threw my pride away 10 years ago. I should be OK with what people has to say about my own personal damn space.

Alright, now that's it out there, let's begin. 

The Guardians of the Galaxy

Disclaimer - I never wanted to see this movie. I never liked the comics to begin with. However, since it's Marvel and my boyfriend wants to watch it, there's really nothing I can do. If this sound bias, pardon the author.

Movie is OK. I'd say 6 out of 10. Props for the special effects and the comedic script. I actually end up enjoying the film. The story though is a different matter. Execution was left to be desired, acting was alright, and the ending, that lame effin' credit scene was just offensive. There we are, sitting through the credits, hoping against hope that we will see something about the next Avenger or Captain America film, but what do we get? a lame fucking duck! Ahem, excuse the french.

For Marvel fans, this is an OK movie. For someone out for a good clean fun on a weekend, it's a must watch. But for those looking for something with quality and substance, there are other movies out there you can consider watching. Nuff said.

Rurouni Kenshin - The Kyoto Inferno

I'm a Samurai X fanboy. I grew up watching the anime, read the manga growing up, and dreamed of being Kenshin Himura whenever I can. 

The first movie was good. Not great, but good.The dialogue was lengthy. There's too much "cheesiness" where the writer/director tries to force the Kenshin/Kauro love team to the audience. The actors chemistry was already there, plus the "spark" between the two characters should be gradual, automatic, not forced. But those things I just mentioned, I can ignore. The fight scenes were awesome, the costumes and the character actors played their part to the heart. It was something worth every one of those seven (7) times I watched it on the big screen.

The second movie is awesome. I would say it's even better than the first. The action scenes were a bit rushed and there were those parts that was omitted but the details, effort, story, acting, actors, and everything else is just the right mix to make it work. To even put a movie like this as a real life action movie is just amazing. To see my beloved characters come to life is just beyond any fanboy can ask for. It was worth every effort to be out of the office on time just to be the first in line to watch the first screening of the movie on opening day. The last time I was this ecstatic about a movie was Avengers. And yes, it's that good!

Talk Back And Your Dead

Disclaimer - I have a huge school-girl-kind-of-crush on James Reid.

The movie was half good, half bad. Was it worth watching? Yes. For one specific reason and nope, not because James showed those sexy abs of his, but because of the on screen kiss. Yes, a freaking kiss! I waited for it the entire time I watched Ang Diary ng Panget but it never happened! Grawr!

The story was bad. Let's get it out and over with. Based from another Wattpad story, it was a combination of whatever was going on the author's head so it was just that, a collection of ideas with no apparent goal. Too much of twist, turns, and action. Yes, action. I really thought it shouldn't have been included in the final cut and the money used for it should have been better spent with closing more loose ends. But that's just me.

Kudos to the actors. They performed to the best of their abilities. Granted, there's definitely room for improvement. OK, maybe not a room but a gigantic mansion, but hey, their kids and they are doing what they can.If we actually compare their acting from the first movie to what they did here, there was actually some improvements. We also need to give credit to the writer and director who tried so hard to stay true to the source. Granted, the movie would have been better if they improved on the source or used their "artistic license" on it, but nowadays, people who stay true to the source is too rare that they deserve some appreciation.

Well, there you go. A very long post that composed mostly of drafts from those movies I wanted to write about but was too afraid to do so. But hey, I'm not afraid anymore. So until the next movie, see you in the cinemas indeed!

A Walk To Remember

Ever have that one person that occupies your fantasies whenever you're horny? I do. He's name is Von. We met back in 2011 through DowneLink (DL). He had a boyfriend back then and I was just rebounding from a bad relationship. We dated, went out, made out, but nothing really serious nor did we had sex. I really like him. As in, really, really, really like him. So much so that I was too afraid to be in anything intimate with him because I know I can't make him happy. Don't ask, I just know. And no, I couldn't care less for his boyfriend then. That cheating bastard. I'm going to gut him for hurting my Von. But I digress.

So, I like the guy. I think I'm even in love with him. There are times that when I look into my future (madam rosa is that you?) I can see myself being happy with him. But no, it can not be. I'm too much of a chicken shit to go down that road. That's why I contended myself with drooling about his six pack abs, or salivating about his sexy cut arms, or fantasizing about that sweet, red lips of his and what it would feel like around my... stahp!!!!

inhale. exhale.

You get the point. I'm uber attracted to the guy. That's why, even now that we're both committed to someone, I make it a point that we meet once a year. Socially of course. No naughty dirty monkey business. Am I cheating? Probably. Do I care? Of course. But not enough.

I asked him out last June for a movie and and tea. He declined. My hopes were dashed of seeing him this year. But last Sunday, he asked me out for an early dinner. Obviously, I accepted and reschedule my movie date with my boyfriend. I rationalized that this will be just a social meeting so no harm done. And so I thought.

We had dinner at his favorite pizza place in QC. The conversation and catching up was great. We haven't really talked to each other for more than a year and there's a lot of things we can talk about. When we had our fill, we decided to take a leisurely walk down the streets and have a much more intimate conversation.

We talked why I never asked him out officially. He asked why I never made the move when he cried on my shoulders when his ex broke up with him. We talked about our past, my fears, my fantasies, his dreams, his plans, and then he asked why we never went all the way when it's clear we're both attracted to each other.

silence. we walked in silence. contemplating the situation. measuring the temperature. 

and then, for the first time in all those almost four years of knowing each other, he asked me, nope, he offered me, his body. The body, that I fantasize and imagine all those years, mine for the taking, all I have to do is to reach and grab it. I just have to say the words and my dreams will come true.

I said no.

I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to do it. I wanted to take it. But then I said no. I hate myself for saying no. But I did. Because I love my boyfriend. Because I'm afraid that whatever special thing between Von and I, might be snuff out if we do go that route.

because I'm a chicken shit. and I will always hate myself for it.

It's Been A While

I visit this blog almost everyday yet for all the time that I have, I can't seem to put pen to paper, so to speak. So today, being a weekend and I'm stuck in the office, I finally have the motivation to write something and share my thoughts again - it's just I don't know how and where to begin, which just reminded me of something I heard in one of those countless movies I've seen...

"...always begin your story at the beginning"

and so I shall.

I wanted to write about all those movies I've seen in the past few months. There's been some great ones and those that I really don't know why I watched it in the first place. I just didn't get around to writing any "reviews" about them. Not for lack of trying though. I just lack inspiration.

When the news broke out about the pork barrel scams and scums, I was sure that I have enough mojo to write something here. Surely my political views that's verging to racism is something I've always wanted to share. Alas, no post was made.

When I gave in to that one vanity that I have, I was sure as hell that I would write about it. Yet nothing. All those time I sat in front of my computer ended in a staring match between my blinking cursor and I. 

When Glenda passed by and people where going gaga over how strong it was compared to all those past weather disasters, I was sure I would write something to correct them and point out that it was nothing compared to what I have seen. Yet it was another staring competition that I can't seem to win.

When I got a new laptop, I said to myself, surely, this time, at the luxury of my own room, I would be able to write something. But those dastardly addicting FB games got in the way. GoT Ascent anyone? Sheez.

And now we circle back to this. Another lame post for a lame blog from  a lame blogger. What a pity.

But hey, I have a boyfriend but we haven't had sex for more than 5 months, now that's indeed been a while.

The Chicken Hazing and The Cheating Cow

I've been sitting on this post for more than a week. Got tons of ideas but I can't seem to formulate the right words to convey what I mean in words that are both equissential and unabrassive. Failing to achieve both, I decisded to go for broke and post my drafts anyway.

June 30

I never really understood the need to join a group. In school, The only reason I join was because it was required albeit my teachers and I know that I will be the only one who will do the work. That's probably why in college I never joined any organization nor even tried to be associated with fraternities. I guess that's the main reason why I can't seem to fathom what needs are being met by people joining such groups to even endure pain just to be accepted. I think it's just sad.

July 1

I've been wanting to post about fraternities and the horror of hazing when I just heard that it just claimed another victim. Another innocent soul lost because of their primal need for association and acceptance. My parents never joined any frats or sorts. My friends would never even try to think of being part of one. We all turned out OK. So this foolish idea that you need to join a certain group is just that, foolish. There's never a need for it. More like stupidity has got the better of them. They should be banned. If they protest or go underground, treat them as a terrorist. Too much? Yeah I guess I'm still operating under the influence. I hate them.

July 3 

I just finished blog-hoping. A bit sad to know that another innocence was lost. Last time it was due to hazing. Today it's because of pride. I think they're the same. Joining a fraternity is like cheating. Nope, it is cheating. People join such atrocities in hopes that the association or "friends" that they will be making will help them later on in life. What this minors have forgotten is that the virtues and disciplines that made fraternities worked in the past are no linger applicable today. Words are no longer being honored and promises are just meant to be broken, we are living in a society of mongrels now. And the sooner these young folks realize this the sooner they can stop their stupidity and become adults.

July 4

It's a US holiday. Another long weekend for me, unproductive as it may be, I would like to post something today regarding cheating.

What is cheating anyway? Different people considers different acts as cheating. It may be cheating for you but for some it's not. So we're better off  not knowing what is cheating for everyone but instead talk about what we should be asking regardless of the meaning. Should we cheat or not? The moral answer is of course no. Why would you intentionally do something that you think will hurt the people around you? That same question, however, is the very same reason why 80% of us cheat. We crave attention and when we don't get what we think we deserve, we do things, terrible things, to get someone's attention. Is it OK? Is it acceptable? Society frowns on it but reality is that this thing happens because there is a problem that needs to be addressed. For my part, cheating is already in the fabric of society so might as well accept it for what it is - reality. Because the sooner we realize it's here to stay, the better we will be.

I will leave my rants here. Don't take me too seriously. I'm Batman.

In The Name Of Love

When it comes to love, we do crazy things. I've done my share and asked the same from a lot of people. Today was no different. I did something that I never thought I could do. Have a full leg wax.

Im pretty attached to my hairy legs. I personally find them sexy. Same goes for those of my boyfriend. Imagine my shock when he said he wanted to get them waxed off. Like every good boyfriend, I did my best to dissuade him but to no avail. That is why we  both ended here, at the Lay Bare waxing salon, shouting in pain while trying to laugh it off.

Lesson learned: if you love someone, we do things from as big as saying sorry even when it's not our fault up to the small things like being bottom even when you're a top. Just don't forget that there are certain quarters and beliefs that we can't compromise. Because if we do, we are no longer lovers. Just a robot trying to do his master's bidding. Nobody wants to end like that

Office Affair

"So there's this guy..."

I hate stories that begins with this phrase. It's so foreboding that you always seem to know what the story will be about. But then again, one of the most thrilling and orgasmic stories I've ever read did start with this exact phrase.

So, there's this guy. He's name is Kelvin. He's a chubby but cute guy here in the office. If you're not looking for him, you'll probably just pass him by. But not for me. He caught my eyes.

Don't get me wrong. I will not cheat on my boyfriend. I love him. But Kelvin, well, let's just say he's been appearing in my daily routine to help me get some needed sleep. And it was some of the most, uhm, thrilling(?) fantasies I've had. The way I imagine it... the way we move... the look on his face... ahm yeah, I'm getting carried away. Let's just say that I've ran out of lotion in less than a month of meeting him.

OK, some more description. He's early to mid 20's, stands 5'9, fair to light complexion, average built leaning towards heavy due to some "baby fats". He smells like honey and knows how to dress. He has a great smile that shows off his pearly whites, and those eyes, they look at you as if to say that you are his and you should be happy about it. Besides these physical traits, he bakes, reads, sings, dance, and comes from money. Basically he's almost perfect. Almost. I say almost because, well, he's straight.

There's something about this guy that pulls me towards him. May it be in person while at work or while I'm busy with myself thinking of him. I don't want to be with him as in boyfriend/boyfriend thing. Nope, this is just pure physical, carnal lust. I feel that after I taste the forbidden fruit that he's hiding in that bulge of his, I will be over him faster than I cum when I'm thinking of riding him while he stare at me with those lustful eyes, smiling sheepishly as if to say that I'm enjoying pleasuring myself with his machismo.

Ugh. I need a cold shower. And another bottle of lotion.

What's Your Number?

I saw a movie with the same title before. If you've seen the movie, I applaud you. It was actually nice and surprisingly fun. I say this because the only reason I even watched was to see the ultimate "crush ng bayan" Chris Evans in all his naked glory. If you haven't seen it, do try. Even if just to see our crush play basketball in just his undies.

Don't forget to breathe.

anyway, the movie was all about redemption which is cool. But for me, it was something different. It made me look back and check what I have done in my life, my sexual life that is, that now spells what's in my future.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I've been the cause of many a heartache in my younger years. As such, I began to wonder what is indeed my number when it comes to the number of people I had sexual relations with. The movie states that in our lives, we will have at most, twenty (20) sexual partners before we will know who is our "the one". I personally don't believe in the idea of having just one "the one" because we will love, will get hurt, and we will love again. But I digress, that's for a different topic.

Here's my question though, if my so called number is more than 20, what does that make me? A slut? Maybe. 

Want to know what's my number? I'm currently still counting but I'm at number 68 now. Who knows who else I would add to my list. Maybe, one day, it'll be yours.

Random Post #26

I was reading through the past 25 posts that this blog already had and was surprised, and at times amazed, of how some of the things here were written. It's so foreign and strange that I knew for a fact that I was the one wrote them but they way it was written, whoah, just something I never thought I could do. It was just, uhm, good?...  nah, better is the right term. Better than I expected it will turn out to be.

As I browse through the different entries that I had, obviously, the post about my first foray to the vast unknown has the most hit. And comparing the way it was written to the other posts in this blog, I have to say that it's easily my favorite. I guess I do have a certain gift when it comes to writing "those" kind of stories.

Pride dictates that I should succumb to the urge of readership and start writing more stories that deals with mature theme. Vanity says I should push forward with concentrating in topics that involves relationships and movies. Fear wants me to stop writing altogether. And the kid inside me just wants to play around with whatever.

I'm confused. I'm tired. I want this blog to have a direction. A centralized theme for something and not just a scatter thought of nothing.

Maybe I should just start writing. Let the words and posts take their own shape and let the blog come to life on it's own. Maybe I should just stop writing and be a sloth like I have always been.

I'm really confused. And I'm really bored.

I'm open to suggestions.

Pabling

I usually write in English. It's the written language that I am more comfortable in expressing myself but for the purpose of this entry, I will write in the vernacular to impress the needed emotion and the gravity of the message.

Marami na akong nakarelasyon. Bata pa lang ako, marami na akong napaiyak na tao. Nagsimula lahat sa una kong "gelpren" nung elementary ako. Highschool sya, grade six ako. Sya ang first kiss ko. Kabata-bata ko nung lumandi ako. Pero ano nga bang alam natin noon di ba? Basta ang alam ko, masaya ako kasi meron ako na wala ang mga kaklase ko. Tumagal ang relasyon namin ng mga tatlong lingo. Ang tagal na nun para sa isang bata kaya halos isang buong araw akong hindi nakakain. Tandang tanda ko pa yun. Bata pa lang ako drama king na ako.

Simula noon, nagpapalit palit na ako ng gelpren. Maraming babae na umiyak, nagalit, at nasaktan. Sino ba naman kasi ang matutuwa kapag nalaman mo na ang boyfriend mo pa lang tutoy pa ay pinagsabaysabay kayong tatlo na magbabarkada. Pogi ko din noh? 

 Highschool ako noon ng magsimula akong makipaglaspagan sa mga babae. Isa sa umaga, isa sa tangali, isa sa gabi. Hayok na hayok lang ako sa laman. Ang sarap kasi. Kakaiba ang feeling. At syempre, dahil panahon pa ni mahoma at kopong kopong, walang kapo-kapote ito. Bira ng bira, tira ng tira, sarap na sarap. Kapal ng mukha, lakas ng loob. Boom!

Tumigil ang lahat nung tumungtong ako ng kolehiyo. Paano ba naman, delay ng dalawang lingo si gelpren! Katakot ampupu. Ang alam ko ako ang hari ng sablay eh bakit ganun bakit parang nasapol ngayon? Hindi ko alam gagawin ko nun kasi hindi pa ko handa maging tatay. Sarili ko nga hindi ko maayos magdadala pa ako ng bata sa mundong ibabaw? Anakampusangalangwalangkilay! Ayaw, ayaw, ayaw.

Nadala ako dahil dun. Kaya sa buong taon ko sa kolehiyo, birhen ako ulit. Wala munang babae. Wala munang putahe. Aral muna. Good boy muna ako. Sarap buhay. Galing galing. Dami ko naipon. Walang magastos na gelpren na kailangan regaluhan at dalin sa motmot.

Nakapagtapos naman ako ng wala pang panganay. Pero dahil malaya na ako, naisip ko ng bumalik sa buhay pabling. Pero pero pero dahil nagpaka alive alive ako, kinalawang na ata kukote ko. Isa na akong naglalakad na torpe. Depress-depress-an ako. Araw araw inom. Hangang sa natsambahan ng isang barkada ko. Sarap ng inuman, parehong nalasing, may gumapang, may nagpagapang.

Dahil sa nangyari, nagbago ang pananaw ko sa buhay. Napaisip ako ng matindi at dahil bawal ako nagiisip, may kung anong butete na gumalaw sa utak ko. Bakit nga ba hindi ko pasukin ang mundo na hindi ko pinasok noon? Wala naman mawawala kung susubukan. Marami na akong matutunan, mageenjoy pa ako. Kaya ako'y tumalon, tumakbo, kumadirit, nag split, sabay kindat sa mundong aking ginagalawan ngayon. At dahil totoo ang kasabihang "History Repeats Itself" ako'y bumalik sa buhay pabling. Sa buhay "tres" - isang tao sa umaga, isa sa hapon, at isa sa gabi.

Suma total, naka tatlong gelpren ako pero hindi ko na mabilang kung ilan ang naging pampalipas oras at init lang. Sa kabilang dako ng bahaghari naman, nasa pang apat na ako na boypren. Hindi ko na din mabilang kung ilan ang nakahati ko sa magdamag. Sama mo na din sa umaga, tangahali, at hapon. Nakakapagod pero marami akong natutunan. Marami akong nalaman. Kaya ko na siguro sabihin na alam ko na kung anong dapat at hindi dapat gawin para maging "successful" ang relasyon ko. Yun nga lang, panahon lang ang magpapatunay.

And So It Begins... yet again.

I miss writing. It used to be my outlet for my stress. A way for me to let off steam. However, pride got the better of me. My writing turned to a need for adulation, much like what I experienced in the past. What started as personal writing for relief became another stress induced writing for readers. I just had to stop.

I tried several times to pick up writing again. I really feel that this is something for me. Unfortunately, it seems that writing doesn't feel the same about me. Either that or I lost my writing prowess. I would like to believe in the latter but everything points to the former.

I love reading. It helps me traverse the worlds of minds far beyond my reach. Reading allows me to leave my physical world to join the unicorns and ride the rainbow in the clouds. It just follows that when I joined the blogosphere, I would enjoy reading those entries that are available for perusal. Little did I know that it actually influenced how and what I write which added to the already piling stress that I was feeling.

and so I stopped. I fled. I cower away. I succumbed to the pressure. I jumped.

Much like what I do with my life. Running away from responsibilities has been my ammo all these years. What a waste of space and oxygen.

However, all is not lost. Time may not be on my side but opportunity is. I have been given another chance of redemption. A way to escape the stranglehold of defeat and gloom. I found my white light. My knight in shining armor. My partner in life.

The story continues. Now I wonder what kind of self destructive force would happen that I will end up losing him too...

Delusions Of Grandeur

I find myself awake at night (or day depending on my schedule) thinking of things that are supposedly not my concerns. I sometimes caught myself day dreaming instead of sleeping. Thinking of things that could, should, and would have been. And no, I am not being sentimental nor remorseful about my past mistakes. Nor do I have wallow on self pity or regret for how bad my current situation is. I had come to terms with those demons way too long ago that they no longer bother me. No, I am kept awake by those delusions of power. Of things I would do and could do given the chance that I am in a position of power to effect the said change. Yes, you got that right. I was day dreaming of being the president of the republic.

There's tons of things that needed to be changed. There's a lot of hope and dreams that can still be fulfilled. There's still a chance for us to get out of this cycle of poverty that our elected(?) leaders shoved our country in. But everything needs to start from one person. The person that people will look up to, someone they can see as the fix point in this fight against poverty, a person they can see as the light at the end of the tunnel. And I believe that person should be the president of the country. Of our country.

As I type these words, my mind started to wander yet again so I have to pause. Our country has a lot of problems and it doesn't need another self righteous, self indignant individual to order it around. With that, my plans and dreams will remain as that. Dreams.

Nerdgasm level 9000

maisip ko pa lang na pwede tong mangyari naiiyak na ko sa tuwa!

I Lost 30LBS In A Month!

Last April 1, after 20 years of avoiding hospitals and doctors, I yielded and had myself checked up (iba talaga nagagawa ng pagmamahal haist!). There's this nagging pain in my lower right abdominal area that I was enduring for several months. In the behest of my beloved, I went to the hospital. They took my vital signs. 5 ft 9 inches... 165 lbs... 130/90 BP... add to that the results of the ultrasound, blood chem, X-rays, and every other poke of needles that they did seems to point that I'm in the prime of my life! It's just pain where no one seems to figure out the source of.  So the doctors decided to do a something drastic. They went and stick a think, hard, long, cylindrical object up my ass. Not that I mind but I usually reserve my tush for my one and only hihihi (and harot!) 

After an hour of enema, half an hour of preparation and orientation, and five hours under sedation, I woke up with a tingling sensation in my behind that felt like the 69 Cosmo bachelors spent they're morning there. Again, not that I mind hihihi...

Another 27 thousand years passed, and the result is finally here! I just have to wait for my doctor to show up and read them to me. And so he did.

The results were inconclusive but finally, a ray of hope, a sign from above, a signal from my behind, a symptom that could be the very reason why I am in pain! At last, my thirst for knowledge was sated!

Then everything was shattered.  Autoimmune he called it. Genetic condition he described it. But all I heard was that I will no longer be able eat ice cream for the rest of my life! Oh Zeus! Kill me now!

Because of my said condition, I have to limit the amount of food I consume. Maximum of two cups of rice a day! That's a day! I currently hold the record in our local Mang Inasal for the most number of rice a person ate in one sitting with just 2 sticks of barbeque as my viand! I should avoid eating red meat, which is for someone who detest veggies is like a death sentence. I have to minimize my dairy intake and ice cream is a no no lest I risk of a stomach flu to last a week! And the biggest food "no-uh" are spicy and oily foods (goodbye lechon, goodbye sisig!) Argh!!!

A new diet a new me. Or so they say. I lost 30 lbs (currently at 135lbs) waistline is now back to 31 from 34, and my partner is now saying that a sign that my long lost abs will come to show again (nambola pa!) But I do feel better with the help of medication (lifetime na ito!) and the support of my ever loving soulmate. 

Aja! See you guys in the beach!

Of Introduction and Assimilation

I'm trying to kick start this blog one more time. I'm hoping that this post and the the new layout I have will help motivate me to post more now that my work is becoming less stressful. In a few weeks time, I should be able to have more free time. Well at least that's the plan.

What do I do anyway? Whenever someone asks this question, I always do a quick observation of who I'm talking to, what I will be able to achieve by giving such information, and the mutual benefits that comes with it. Too much thinking for a simple question, I know. I'm just that haywire up there in my shell but I digress. I work for one of the financial institutions in the United States but based in the Philippines. "Call Center"... "BPO"... "Outsourcing"... these are just a few of the terms that might have crossed your mind after reading the previous statement. On paper, we are not a BPO or Call/Contact Center or Outsourced company. We are a separate entity under a different class. But that's just on paper. Experience wise, it works exactly like a normal call center would. I should know. I've been in the BPO industry for the last 13 years.

The company that I'm working for falls under the other side of the fence of Outsourcing. We are called Offshore branch or to sound more classy, International Satellite Office. Our jobs were not outsourced to a different firm or company but rather the US based company decided to put up an office here and hire the locals to help them up. Sounds like the next step towards getting out of the stereotype of being in the call center industry but it's not. Graveyard shift is still the norm. People are still hooked up to coffee machines to keep them awake. And the accent... yes that accent. I can imagine people already cringing but I digress yet again. Back to the topic that is my job. My work deals with the stock market. My position and job description goes with the lines that I am licensed to trade in all the US stock market. I deal with people's money and investment as far as shares, dividends, mutual funds, and interests are concerned. We deal with people's life savings and the risk of losing all of it in a matter of seconds. It sounds thrilling and exciting but it's not. It's tiring and stressful. Just the way I like it. Because at the end of the day, it is just like every call center there is - we pick up the phones to talk to customers and answer their questions.

For more than 13 years I've been doing this job. And to be honest, I don't think I can do anything else. That's why even when I say I'm tired of receiving calls, this is the only kind of job I can do now. All of my other skills are now lost. This industry have absorbed me as part of it's machinery. Outside of it, I am but scrap metal. But all hope is not lost. This coming November 23, 2020, I will hang my headset for good.

Boos, Blahs, and Nahs

I've been undergoing some personal stuff and was unable to prioritize things. I'm disappointed with myself yet again. Nothing new there. Oh well.

Alright, enough with the self pity and drama. Time to keep things upbeat. It's Monday after all. Let's start this one with an update and/or a "correction" for lack of better term.

Update #1 Kami Pa Din Po!

Rereading my last two posts made me realize that it was too dark and unclear about the state of my relationship with my babe. The truth is that we're still together. I love my babe so much. Though I have to admit this is not the first time I felt this way. I've love a number of people before. But today, right now, I am in love with just one person and that's what's important.

Update #2 Movies and Reviews

I love movies. I like the way they provide a way for me to escape reality. However, that is not to say that I am a movie geek. I don't know anything about sub plots and what not. I could care less about cinematography nor about choreography. For me a good movie is something that provide me what all movie should, a break from reality and enjoyment. It's that simple. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that to those unfortunate people that will wander here in my own little space, they have to make do with a layman's look at what the movies are all about.

Update #3 This Very Blog

I've made a decision to keep this blog active. It will be my escape from work and my way of releasing some pressure and stress. It will be all over the place but at last it will be something that I can call my own. Hopefully, there will be no transference of stress from the writer to the readers.

Update #4 Bublews

I want to give this pay for writing website a try. I hope I can count on some people for help on this one. Kewlness.

"Unspoken" Emotions

I haven't shared the letter I mentioned in the previous post with anyone other than this blog. Hiding behind the anonymity that the internet provided, I felt somewhat OK with sharing what I was feeling inside. The turmoil I was fighting. As I'm sure of what I written down, I already know how my babe would have reacted knowing what I was feeling...

He would have been angry. And his anger would have been justified. Why would I share what I was feeling inside to other people but not to him directly. 

He would have been confused. Confused as to why I would have chosen to hide what I was feeling from him for a long time while pretending that everything was alright.

He would have been disappointed. For the fact that I do not trust him enough that he could have understood my situation.

He would have been hurt that I would choose to run away by myself instead of facing the problems hand and hand with him.

My babe is not a saint. He do have his shortcomings. But these words would have been exactly how he would have said and felt if he knew about the contents of the previous post. And he would have said some lines that I only heard in the movies...

"...it's my choice what to do with my life and I chose to be with you... if I end up hurting and damaged, at least it was my choice and not anyone else. So don't make my choices for me... because if you really love me like you say you do, you wouldn't do that at all..."

I would have countered and maneuvered my way out with more words. I'm good with words. But I wouldn't do that. I would rather just stay silent and stare at my feet. I would choose to hurt myself that see the person I love the most in tears...

"Unwritten" Letter

Hey Babe,

I love you. I miss you so much.

We've been together for a little more than a year now. But I can still remember vividly the first time I laid my eyes on you. The first words we uttered to each other. The first kiss... the first hug... we were not "official" then. Both of us were thinking that it would just be another one time thing. But things changed so fast and now look at where we are now... I'm still so in love with you.

I'm writing today because I know that I may never have the chance to say the things I'm about to say here in person. You and I both know that I have a hard time verbalizing what's happening inside my head and my heart. So please bear with me a little longer as I grasp for words to interpret and convey what I want you to know. Here it goes...

I hate myself. I fantasize killing myself many times over. I look at myself as no longer a person or an individual but rather just a creature. A thing that's below the maggot in this plane of existence. That's why I do not care for myself. That's why I don't buy anything for myself or bother with self vanity. I couldn't care less what people have to say about who I am because no one can look at me lower that how I have placed myself in the ladder. Because in reality I just don't hate myself, I loathe me...

And then you came into my life. You made me realize that even as someone as badly damaged and broken like me can be loved. You made me feel special. With you by my side, I started to feel human again. That I am capable of feelings other than hate or lust. That I can be happy. You made me smile again. You helped me to believe once more.

I don't know how you did it. Everything is still surreal  for me. You. Me. Us. Together. I'm smiling like a lunatic while writing these very lines. Because I love you. Not because you made me feel like I could change and that I can be a better person but because I just love you. With all my heart. With all my soul. I do love you...

That is why I have to break up with you. That's why I have to stay away from you. You deserve someone better. Someone who will make you smile and not hurt you. Someone who will care for you in return for all your efforts. Someone who can make your dreams come true. And that's not me. As much I want to be, I will never be the man that you deserve.  I love you so much that I would rather hurt myself that hurt you. And this, here, now, this is killing me. But this needed to be said and done. You deserve better.

I love you more and more and with every passing minute of my miserable existence, I will think of you. I miss you so much already my heart aches...

I love you babe. Good bye.

A Year To Remember

February 10, 2013

I sent him a message. He replied. No pleasantries, just pure business. Digits were exchanged, meet up in a few minutes...

I showered, made sure I'm presentable. Went to his place and enjoyed the moment. After savoring it again, we cleaned ourselves. A few small talk, then I left.

Hit and run. That's the first thing that came to mind. I smiled to myself. I actually enjoyed this last one..

Message sent. I initiated the conversation. He replied. Good. Keeping the lines open for future use.

3 days passed.

I went to his place once more. This is unusual for me. I try to keep it to once per person to make sure no emotional attachment is seeded. But I did enjoyed it and another serving doesn't seem to be a bad choice. This time, pleasantries were exchanged. More small talk were made. I got scared so I left.

February 17, 2013

7 days since we first saw each other, we saw each other again. This time, while waiting for an elevator. It would seem that we are working in the same building albeit different floors. Those who believed in magic or a higher power would call this fate or destiny. I call it chance. A chance for me to enjoy a different kind of desert in one of the vacant floors of the building. Risky and exciting. Another trait I am not associated with. What is happening to me?

1 day passed.

Message received. He initiated the conversation this time. An out of town invitation. Puerto Galera. A place I've never been to and had no plans of visiting in my life time. The stigma of the place is just not for me. I replied that I will go with him. Contradiction. Now that's something I am familiar with.

February 23, 2013

The fated day. We went to Galera. I was scared. I don't like crowded places and the noise but I'm committed. I will do this. I will endure.

It was almost midnight. Inside a bar filled with noise that passes for music nowadays. People drunk as fuck swaying like hippies trying to dance to the tunes in their own heads. Me, seated in the bar area together with him. Booze filled veins and heart pumping like crazy, I confessed. I tore the wall that I made. I blurted out what I was feeling and thinking all along. I uttered those three words people throw away so carelessly nowadays. Fear conquered by alcohol.

He was in tears. He claims he have the same feelings even before. We kissed. We hugged. Cheers from his friends for we found what we were not looking for in a hopeless place. We found each other.

My Little Foray To The Vast Unknown

The year was 1995. I just finished my elementary years and is about to enter a high school freshman. Everything is going as planned. Stay low, stay safe, stay unknown. I was not afraid of what bullies or what people has to say. I couldn't care less what they think of me. What I was really afraid of was rejection and failure. I got too much pride going for me that I dare not risk anything at all. But everything changed when I woke up one fateful afternoon...

I could still hear the splash of water... I could still feel the heat of the body trying to fight off the cold June afternoon... I was less than 12 feet away... peeping through a hole in the ceiling of our common restroom... watching a friend lather himself with soap... my hands moving as if it was his touching every inch of his skin...trying to reach that one spot.. that one thing that will bring god knows what to my being...

SNAP!

I stood up. This is not right. I shouldn't do this. What pushed me to do such act? Guilt. I was ashamed. I ran away trying to fight the urge to look one more time. I have to stop.

That evening,  I learned what heaven was like. For the first time, I touched myself. No, not touched. I masturbated. I released that pent up urge for the very first time since I took my first breath of air. And it was such a feeling that I just can't stop. I have to do it... again... and again... and again...

 I started high school and as if everything was forgotten. Too busy trying to prove that I was the best. The competition was steep. I have to fight to survive. The folly of human needs left me as fast as it encumbered me. Religion came. Everything stopped.

6 months. That's how long I lasted. I just had to peek through the hole and satisfy my curiosity as to what "fun" the person inside the bathroom was partaking. This time, I didn't run away. I watched. I groped. I played. I craved. I came. Almost at the same time as the guy I was watching.

And so it continued to happen and I continued to watch. It was like a dance between to distant souls separated by that mere 12 feet of air. Moving together, as one, to the rhythm of the water... as it burst... as it drips.. as it drops.

It may be the effect of the "love bug" that's been affecting people lately that we've seen people posting different stories about love that made me write this but I enjoyed reminiscing the past.

The Ultimate Flashback

I used to blog. Used to. Yes. To be quite truthful, this would have been my fifth attempt to write a decent blog.

I've tried writing about movies under the name JMFreak. I wrote about call center career guide as jmfreak1028. I was Dark Knight as I told countless stories of my sexcapades. I wrote about my love and relationship as TL. And now, here I am, writing yet again, with blog that doesn't seem to have any direction. Full of randomness. Disorganize thoughts would be putting it mildly.

Of all the mentioned attempts that I had, only two remain available for people to peruse. This one were you are right now, and the one before this. Yes, it's the story of my broken love. The blog that contain my very soul...

I would have deleted it. Just like all the rest before it. Yet I can't bring myself to do so. And no, it's not the glory nor the limelight of days past that stops me from doing it. Everybody knows that it didn't even reached its prime. Yet the pain and the reminder of what it brings puts a smile on my face whenever I visit that old home of mine. It's as if talking to myself and seeing how much I've not changed. Not one bit.

To those who are curious enough to visit the old place and read up about who and what I am, you can visit it by clicking here.

I will thrive. I will move. I will fight. I will die... but I will love. I will laugh. I will live.

Posteraction #2 - The List

After reading Simon's post about certain facts and fun trivia about his partner and himself, I promised myself that I will be doing the same thing when I find the time. Since I'm just staring blankly in my monitor while waiting for the next batch of workload to come in, I decided to start writing down a list that I wanted to share to people about myself and the one I'm in love with.

Here are Ten (10) things about us:

1. We are both 31 years old though born on different years. Go figure.

2. We are still hiding inside the closet so home visits are a big no no.

3. We don't shy away from doing "decent" PDAs (i.e. holding hands)

4. We make it a point that we see each other every single day. No matter what.

5. We were both single for 3 years prior to being together.

6. We are both into origami.

7. We both wear glasses. Well, more like I wear glasses and my partner uses contact lens.

8. We are both attached to our iPads. We like playing online games. Samurai Siege and Spartan Wars.

9. We're part of the BPO industry. Graveyard shifts has been our lives for a long time now.

10. We are both top.

Top Ten (10) Things that I want to share about my partner and myself:

My partner...

... is a little bit on the vain side of things when it comes to hygiene.

... favors Italian food but loves cooking Pinoy foods.
... uses acid soap and facial moisturizer everyday and taught me to do the same.

... doesn't use shampoo but has the best smelling, silkiest, healthiest hair I've seen.

... prefers plucking facial hairs than shaving.

... has an awesome voice and an amazing singer :)

... is a kind soul. Always willing to help even to those we just pass by in the streets.

... gets easily irritated when the weather's hot.

... is not showy when it comes to emotions.

... looks younger than real age.

I am...

... scared of squid's tentacles or any thing that has tentacles for that matter.

... naturally gifted with a lean frame. I ate like 5 cups of rice a day and still has a waistline of 30.

... known as someone who doesn't have a fashion sense. I wear what's on top of the drawer.

... tone deaf but that doesn't stop me from trying to sing or trying to learn to play the violin (epic failure)

... a book lover. Their smell and how they feel in my hands is just heaven.

... pro vegetables. we should protect them from those bad people trying to eat them out of existence!

... hypertensive so I can't eat fatty foods. I also like to use the same excuse to avoid eating spicy foods.

... into spas and massages. That's like my kryptonite.

... a kid at heart but an old soul in mind and body. I believe in the old ways except for blood sacrifices.

...a top but is a willing bottom for the one I love. (TMI!!!)

Well, there you go. You now know the things worth knowing about us. Why don't you share your side of the story too? Let's know one another and be the best that we can be  

Ciao. :D